Is it finally over? I'm hurting so bad...

[misssouthernbelle]

I got frustrated at his contacting me and then acting like I was abusing him by trying to be compassionate about the fact that he was depressed. That's what I've become... . someone to text when he needed a pick me up, him only putting on a show in the last few weeks, telling me he was trying to overcome his trust issues that kept him from meeting in person/talking on the phone, that he liked me, and wanted to wake up to me every morning. He even asked me earlier this week if I thought we'd be together happily ever after if we went into this... . after telling me that I shouldn't like him because nothing good can come from it because "the odds were stacked against us and we have different religious beliefs."

Mind-hit doesn't even describe it. He dropped a bomb on me last night, by texting me and saying he was becoming bipolar... . then told me he had something he should tell me "moving forward"... .

He said he didn't think we would ever be something. I asked why he led me on... . for pleasure? He said no and that he wasn't sure and he didn't think I'd be more than a "really really good friend". I asked what had changed and he said that nothing had changed and that he was sorry, but he didn't feel it like he thought.

By this point... . hurt doesn't describe my pain. Seriously? After four months of this oush/pull?

I said some ugly things... . that no wonder his friends left him and he said thanks. I said he was the ___hole who had told me two days before that he knew we'd be a great fit but that he was broken and not getting fixed anytime soon and he deserved much worse than what I said. He said he said "would" not will because he "didn't want to give me the idea we will." The then said there was never a spark.

After one time hanging out... . and all the times he's led me on? He continued without a spark, but it wasn't leading me on? Lol.

Needless to say, I got emotional and told him he always went after psycho women because he is so emotionally closed off and seeks to reproduce the abuse he suffered as a child. I also said that it was one meeting... . and that he wouldn't know a good woman that actually cared about him... . if she was there for him for four months like I was, throughout everything.

I was so hurt.

He said he knew talking to someone like me would be bad, he was sorry my feelings were hurt, that he had told me he wasn't ready, and that I should stop replying because I got my revenge. What the heck?

I couldn't believe he said bad. I had consoled him for four months and tried to make him comfortable enough to trust me... . even forgoing my own emotions/feelings! I told him I couldn't believe he would say those things about wanting to get close to me and not mean them, as I never expected that from him. (I expected this conversation... . just not him acting like it didn't happen.)

He said, "Seriously... . ? Goodbye."

I was so hurt by this cold side of him I had never seen, I replied that he really was heartless (he said it, not me) and threw in the word "bas***d". I said f**k you and goodbye. And, that I'd pray he finds Jesus... . because I know he hates that... . I'm Christian and he's Jewish.

He said he didn't need an idol. I said he did with the evil radiating out from him right now.

I WAS SO HURT. My words are like venom when you've hurt me. It's a flaw. :/

He said, "You seriously need to stop messaging me." Then said... .

"Your Intensions were always selfish hoping I would turn and want to be Christian and want to be with you. You think you had me pinned all along. When a lot of the time were not even describing me. Please. You've said your due now stop messaging me."

What the heck. I'm selfish for helping him? Of course one becomes a little selfish when they care about someone and want to get close because they think you want it too? I was falling in love with him... .

Needless to say, I typed a long message explaining that I did want to convert him at first because that's all I thought might help him because I felt like I couldn't... . then explained that I changed my mind as I fell for who he was, entirely. Religion didn't matter. I also went into the ways I supposedly acted selfish. Always being there... . answering his texts at all hours... . still being there when he would play with my feelings and subject me to him talking about wanting his ex, which was a knife through my heart... . holding on for four months and being there at all times, despite his disappearances and wishy-washy behavior... . causing my own self anxiety to surprise him with medication when he was sick and for his nightly panic attacks... . THAT WAS ALL SELFISH?

I also said that I was trying to get closer to him and he wouldn't talk. That led me to make assumptions with what I did know... . I ended it by saying he was wrong about me, but I was tired of proving myself when I was supposed to trust him or he'd get upset, but he couldn't trust me? I said I wished him the best and that he found happiness.

I get hit with these messages this morning:

"Really?

It's all about you isn't it.

I don't even know what your talking about. You don't know me. You get mad at me about this? Seriously. And that message. Oh my. This is the EXACT reason I didn't want this. Cause this right here is 1000% not what I need/needed"

"Have a nice day. Enjoy your joyful spread for deception and fable lies."

"You could be the greatest person in the world, but your not for me."

"I hope you find a good Christian boy who wants the same as you. Who isn't broken and whose signs you do read right. This is the last text you'll get from me. I'm sorry to bother you. Your right. I'm an awful person and everyone leaves me. Blah blah blah. Whatever. I left more than half of them.

You just think you know and when you don't get your way your upset. Prepare for life. You'll need the preparation.

Have a good life

Goodbye."

THERE ARE NO WORDS. It's all about me? I was in love and let him hurt me over and over. I thought I could help him. He then invalidates me by saying he doesn't know what I'm talking about? He did that when I caught him in a lie once. He's the one who said I understood him more than anyone and it scared him, but I don't know him?

It's like it's a bunch of projection. He's the one who deceived me.  Please, help me make more sense. My logical brain can't handle this.  :'(

[misssouthernbelle]

I told him that if he would have not led me on, I wouldn't be so hurt. I was healing when he stopped talking to me for two weeks, but he came back, begging me to help him and telling me that he was sure about me and trying harder than ever to work on his trust issues... . but I'm selfish?

God. I'm going insane trying to convince myself that he's not right and I'm not a bad person.  :'(

[elemental]

Can see you are very upset.

There are lots of lessons on this board about how to make really good boundries, on how to get and stay detached so BPD doesn't take you down with it.

So many threads about self care.

OK?

You have been enmeshing into him and forgetting you.

What is your plan?

Tell us about your first steps towards self care so you can calm and learn things here better.

[Learning_curve74]

Since he has BPD, he both wants you desperately AND is totally afraid to be engulfed by you. His thoughts and feelings are NOT consistent.

It's totally natural that you think he thinks and feels the same ways you do. Unfortunately, the truth is that he is SERIOUSLY mentally ill. He does NOT think or feel like you. His thoughts and feelings are seriously disordered. He is used to always hurting himself and you are just collateral damage; it's not personal against you specifically. Everything he feels in his head is the truth to him, and you cannot ever explain away his fears and issues -- that is only something he himself can work on learning.

The only path is to understand that this is the way he is and he might never change. Then you decide what you will do yourself about it. If you are undecided, then I suggest you also post on that board. The dynamic here on the leaving board is extremely biased towards detaching and "getting over" the relationship.

Hang in there. It's not easy, we're here to support you. 

[Moselle]

Well misssouthernbelle, I have had a 14 year marriage, where my wife was able to maintain a perfect facade of kindness, respect, tenderness, until I was in the bag. I have then spent 14 years of hardship and had 3 children with her, only recently discovering that she has Borderline Personality Disorder and I have become co-dependent.

At least he is being honest, and you can make in an informed choice of what to do next.

In terms of recovery, on this website I have found many tools and articles that talk about how to recover as well as setting your own boundaries.

Good luck with your search for love. This might be the best experience for you to know what you don't want.