Putting myself second

[toomanyeggshells]

Why do I put his feelings before my own? Why do I stay when I want to leave? Because I feel bad for upbdbf.  I'm still living with him because I feel sorry for him.  I came to this realization today that I'm putting my feelings down and putting him before myself, in spite of his bad behavior towards me.  Am I co-dependent?  I don't know.  I don't feel co-dependent, if it has a feeling.  In every other aspect of my life, I'm independent, outspoken, confident and self-assured.  I'm no kid.  I'm almost 54 years old.  I've been around the block .  But why do I put up with this?  I know why - I feel bad for him because he's been left before (no surprise).  I know I'm just rambling and if this should be moved to another board, that's fine.  I'm just wondering if anyone has any thoughts or can provide any insight.  Thanks. 

[heartandwhole]

Hi toomanyeggshells,

I think a lot of us can relate to putting ourselves second, I know I can.  It's sounds like you feel compassion and empathy for your husband, and that is really good.  Staying because you feel sorry for him, though, it not really helping him, or you, is it – because neither of you is dealing with the fears and feelings that keep you unhappy and stuck.

For me, putting myself second was/is a way of getting my needs met.  At least what I *think* I need. 

What is the payoff for you toomany?  You are getting something out of this situation, what do you think it is?

[toomanyeggshells]

Thanks for your reply heartandwhole. I really feel like I've stayed for a long time because I do feel sorry for him, and there's no payoff for me at all   .  Its a miserable situation.  That being said, I feel like I need some insight into why I'm doing this.  Why do I stay when, no matter how much I try to keep my side of the street clean, it makes no difference to the relationship.  I definitely feel better when I take care of myself and don't bring myself down to his level, but nothing has changed on his end no matter how many of the lessons I follow.  Do you think this is co-dependence?  I'm not even really sure what that is although I've read about it.  I need a therapist but I don't really have the extra money for that.  Any book or reading recommendations that you think might help? 

[Lucky Jim]

Why do I stay when I want to leave? Because I feel bad for upbdbf.

Hi toomany,

From what you are saying, you feel sorry or "bad" for your uBPDbf, which ostensibly is why you are staying in a r/s that is no longer fulfilling for you. 

It seems to me like there is something else going on here, but only you know what it is.  Maybe you are making excuses for staying because you are too scared to leave?  If so, you may have to confront that fear.  Maybe your self-esteem has been lowered to the point that you will do anything to stay in the r/s.  If so, you may need to work on regaining your self-confidence.  Maybe you enjoy being a caretaker for someone you feel "bad" for?  If so, you may need to work on why you choose to put someone else's needs ahead of your own.  Only you know the answer.

Perhaps you could sit with your feelings and just observe your thoughts on what you're getting out of the r/s.  As H&W asks, what's the payoff?  If you figure that out, then maybe you will know what to do next.

Lucky Jim