Advice needed: Is it ok to work with her competitors?

[growing_wings]

hi folks,

I would appreciate your advice on the following.

I have been several wks with very LC. Now, an opportunity came to me to work with a direct competitor of her business. She always banned me from doing work with them, which i respected always, but now i guess is a different escenario, right?

Now, the advice in general sites is to keep a low profile and do not do anything that would make me a target.

So far i have kept a low profile, but this opportunity came up and i would like to take it.

I am afraid (yes still very afraid) that she will take this as a direct threat to her, she might take offense, etc... and i am afraid of the consequences of the actions she might take (I have been warned by a close friend). On the other hand ,i dont want to stop my life, i need to keep it moving.

What do you think? how would she react? could that make me a target?

advise very welcomed... thanks

[Johnny Alias]

How long have you been NC for?  If its over 3 months I say go for it. 

My ex made me promise I would never hook up with a friend of hers when I broke it off with her... . and I did. 

Since then she has been a classless b1tch.  She lied to me, embarassed me, attacked mutual friends for no reason, talked crap about me... . not a fan anymore.  Have NO idea who the hell she is.  Why should I honor a promise to someone who treated me SO callously?   

It's all about their need to control.  It might anger her, but who cares?  In fact you're already painted black... . I mean this would be the NAIL in the coffin if you did work with these people.  You'll never have to worry about a recycle attempt again.  I say go for it.     

[seeking balance]

I have been several wks with very LC. Now, an opportunity came to me to work with a direct competitor of her business. She always banned me from doing work with them, which i respected always, but now i guess is a different escenario, right?

yes, it is different now since you are not a couple.  Did you work together in the past or are you in this position because of her?

Now, the advice in general sites is to keep a low profile and do not do anything that would make me a target.

So far i have kept a low profile, but this opportunity came up and i would like to take it.

Looking at your own life, does this opportunity seem like something to better your career?

I am afraid (yes still very afraid) that she will take this as a direct threat to her, she might take offense, etc... and i am afraid of the consequences of the actions she might take (I have been warned by a close friend). On the other hand ,i dont want to stop my life, i need to keep it moving.

What do you think? how would she react? could that make me a target?

advise very welcomed... thanks

Well, of course she will take it as a direct threat - it is, BPD or not.  You are going to be her competition and most anyone would take that personally... . honestly.

This is  your life, is this a great career opportunity?  If so, take it.

Is this something that will likely push her buttons?  probably.

Does this really matter since you are apart?  Only you know this.

What is your absolute biggest fear if you take this, honestly?

[growing_wings]

SB you know what questions to ask... . thanks JOnny, your post gave me some good insight too... .


no, i am not in this position because of her, and yes, it will definitely help towards my career... .

However, if i go ahead, my real feelings , and my real fears are :

1. No chance to recycle, i do this, i burn the bridge:  Jonny is right, this will be the nail in the coffin... after this,i am closing to any recycle, and although i dont want to be recycled, i know this would most likely be the END. ANd i am a bit scared of that... .

2. this will hurt her: So far, i have been gentle and non-agressive with her, i have tried to be careful not to hurt her. However, If i do this, i will validate her accusations that i was a bad friend and my promises that i would not hurt her... . but this would hurt her directly, i know i have taken much pain for being with her,  but even so,i dont want to hurt her.

But i must continue with my life. If i dont take this opportunity, i know i will regret it. It just hurts to hurt her (crazy i know)... .

I think this will burn the bridge... . and part of me wants that, part of me doesnt. but i think i will do it, it is just a matter of time and accepting that i must burn this bridge... .

[seeking balance]

Well, let's dig deeper on this 

1. No chance to recycle, i do this, i burn the bridge:  Jonny is right, this will be the nail in the coffin... after this,i am closing to any recycle, and although i dont want to be recycled, i know this would most likely be the END. ANd i am a bit scared of that... .

This is true for NONS, not necessarily for a pwBPD... . selective memory is real and present here.  Don't make any decisions based on a recycle attempt.

2. this will hurt her: So far, i have been gentle and non-agressive with her, i have tried to be careful not to hurt her. However, If i do this, i will validate her accusations that i was a bad friend and my promises that i would not hurt her... . but this would hurt her directly, i know i have taken much pain for being with her,  but even so,i dont want to hurt her.

yep, you likely will be seen as a bad gal on this one, by not just her but by her friends.  A victim is really good a being a victim whether you do this or not, however.

But i must continue with my life. If i dont take this opportunity, i know i will regret it. It just hurts to hurt her (crazy i know)... .

Specifically what will you regret?

I think this will burn the bridge... . and part of me wants that, part of me doesnt. but i think i will do it, it is just a matter of time and accepting that i must burn this bridge... .

The truth is - the bridge is burned already - isn't this you bargaining with really and truly letting go?

[growing_wings]

yep, you likely will be seen as a bad gal on this one, by not just her but by her friends.  A victim is really good a being a victim whether you do this or not, however.



EXACTLY. i will finally be the proper baddy on this... . for her and all her friends

.

Specifically what will you regret?

I will regret not taking this opportunity as i have always wanted to work with these guys, they have morals and their work is very altruistic... .


The truth is - the bridge is burned already - isn't this you bargaining with really and truly letting go?

Yup... you are right 100%. this is truly letting go. phew...

thanks for this... . time to let go i think, for real

[seeking balance]

thanks for this... . time to let go i think, for real

Good luck with the new job!

[growing_wings]

Update...

And i was worried to hurt her by working with her competitors... .

whell turns out, she is reaching out to my contacts and my network to "recruit" them to a new business venture she suddenly wants to create based on ideas i suggested ... . one ofmy contacts told me this, and he also clearly told me he will say no to join her, he knows her well i guess and does not want to get involved professionally. Others might say yes... who cares.  she wont stop. Glad i have a decent reputation at work... now is time to keep it.

all while i was worried about me respecting her area, etc... it turns she wants to steal my work contacts. seriously?  

[seeking balance]

all while i was worried about me respecting her area, etc... it turns she wants to steal my work contacts. seriously?  

people will show you who they are if you let them.

honestly, she is trying to survive with her business too - same as you.

Keep doing your job well and it will work out ok in the end... . it usually does.

[growing_wings]

all while i was worried about me respecting her area, etc... it turns she wants to steal my work contacts. seriously?  

people will show you who they are if you let them.

honestly, she is trying to survive with her business too - same as you.

Keep doing your job well and it will work out ok in the end... . it usually does.

SB is true.  At the end, all of us are entitled to work and earn a living.

THanks... .  

all this is a true test of endurance, inner control and self compassion... .   i am grateful for it, and one day i hope i will turn back to this and will not feel bad, sad or angry at all this... . i did not want to reach this point, but here we are. Grace... i think of grace everyday. cheers