Found items in the family car

[restoredsight]

I went to get diapers this morning. Wife has been gone since 3pm. Decided walking to her guy's house in the cold was a good idea.

I found a strange bag with the personal items of the guy I've been suspecting. I've taken pictures. Anything i can do with this to help myself out?

[Waddams]

I'd take it and put it somewhere else in the house where I wouldn't think she'd find it.  Then not say a word about it.  Maybe even take the car for a spin to the store and leave a box cereal in the trunk.  When she's home be like "oh... . I left that box in the trunk.  Let me go get it."  Then let her freak out, but then see his stuff isn't there.  Then let her go nuts wondering what happened to it.

But seriously, that stuff is evidence for you.  Take custody of it and don't let her know you have it. 

[ForeverDad]

Is your wife the same GF who filed a temporary restraining order against you when you came here over three years ago?  If so, you knew how she behaved back then, but this is a concern not that she is wandering again but the type of people she's wandered to and exposing your child to?

I feel bad asking this but have you confirmed by DNA tests that this is your child?  (You don't have to ask spouse's permission to do this.  Of course best to do this quietly.  If it comes back a positive match then no need to mention it.  If not a match then you need to decide your options, if you stay silent then courts may deem you the de facto father.)

[restoredsight]

Yeah, that's me. I suppose it wasn't enough evidence for me that she was disordered when she came back, no I had to do this.

Yes, she file that restraining order, so this time around I'm trying my best not to get in a position for that to happen. Trying to be careful. I didn't take the bag out. I left it there. She showed up to grab clothes for work and tried to leave without seeing the baby. That guy was outside by the car.

Yes, the child is all I care about in this anymore. She can screw the whole neighborhood for all I care, but not with my baby there.

I have wondered about his paternity. I don't know what I'd do if he weren't mine. I haven't even been using social networks to show baby pictures because I think I didn't want to explain this. I brought it up and she balked, and it would be understandable in any situation for someone to be hurt.

I love him no matter what. I find it difficult to imagine that I would leave him to her anyway. He'd just bounce around with her, then get shipped to her parents, and that would be horrible, as her mom is disordered.

[Waddams]

do you have resources to consult a L?  i totally understand your commitment to your son, paternity be d*mned.  my SO has 4 kids, and they have gotten to be like my own at this point. 

at the same time, i'm not sure how paternity would play out in a court case.  who is named on the child's birth cert as the bio father?  i'm assuming it's you?  if you don't want to rock the boat, it might be better let that sleeping dog lie.  but child support payments can be very hard to keep up with, and the orders for it will influence big decisions in your life until the child is grown up.  so weigh it carefully, and preferably with some professional advice.

i have to wonder if there's a way that if a paternity test were to show he wasn't yours biologically, and you're not on the birth cert, etc., if you could still show she's not fit, and get custody somehow anyway, and then get state aid as a foster parent or through adoption?  i believe a guy i work with, him and his wife adopted two young children that came from a rather unstable background.  i think they got some kind of state aid while they were fostering the children.  might still be getting aid from the state in lieu of child support from the biomom. 

the basic point state aid would be more reliable than a child support order that your son's biomom may or may not comply with.  it's all questions for a L, and something to work your way through slowly and deliberately before making decisions.  and it's a totally different thing if the paternity test were to come back confirming you as a biodad too.

[catnap]

As Waddams suggested you need to consult with a family law attorney to see what your options are.  Some might offer a free consultation.   

You can get a DNA test done quietly.  It is a simple cheek swab for both you and your son.  I can understand the fear of results (my son had a DNA test done when his daughter was a few weeks old) because he was not listed on the birth certificate, though the baby was given his last name.  Btw, he obtained sole custody of her in 2011 when she was 7 months old and last year had his exgf's parental rights removed. 

In the meantime, keep documenting her disappearances, avoiding interaction with the baby, etc. 

[restoredsight]

Thank you everyone for your advice. I'm documenting and trying to keep my head. I feel very overwhelmed. She's been staying away and showing up infrequently.

I've been writing emails, but with the recent storms, it may be that they have a backlog and couldn't answer immediately. Monday I will be contacting Legal Aid if I don't heard something form someone.

I don't have money, so I am afraid I'll be rejected out of hand. I've not dealt with the court system before really.

I'm afraid she will demand to take the child at some point, but at the moment she seems very distant. Maybe she is afraid she's on the edge of losing him and trying to be reasonable, but it looks more like she's just lost interest.

I'm planning on seeking help with daycare on Monday as well, as I need to have some time to work. I can work from home, but it's incredibly difficult to do so alone with the baby. This has been an issue for months, since my wife has been working or "working" a lot, and coming home tired. I was already feeling burned out.

[ForeverDad]

The longer you have majority parenting, the better it will be if/when this is addressed in family court.  Do what you can now to document your good parenting.  For years I've used a medium sized book-like scheduler or diary to be my journal of day to day events, exchanges, conflicts as they pop up, etc.  For 2005 I saved a small pocket monthly calendar.  From 2006 and until now I've used weekly schedulers.  Yes, I'm on my 9th one! 

If you can use daycare without her objecting, then that too could help you since it would weaken any claims she might make to claim mothers are better for young children than fathers.  It may not be so stated in court, officially it doesn't exist, but there's often an unwritten gender preference in how things turn out.

A claim she might make is that you're blocking her parenting so ponder how best to defend yourself and keep the focus on your good parenting and her relative absence if that happens.

[restoredsight]

Any idea on what can I do to try to prove I'm not blocking her? I'm not. I only told her that I wouldn't have my son where she's staying, and she hasn't even tried.