He is convinced he has a low T issue

[ColdEthyl]

I am 34, my husband is 47 dBPD. Throughout the 4 years of our relationship, sex started to be a problem after the first year to year and a half. It went from frequent to a constant drop, to where now it's every 3-4 months.

He is convinced he has a low T issue, he says he just doesn't have the urge, and he cannot even masturbate with results. When I talk about going to the doctor, (God forbid we ever go there)  he starts to tell me he has other ways to please me, and that I could always find it somewhere else and he would never know.

1. I has struggling for a good 6 months of how to bring this up, trying to set him off, or put him on the defensive. Last week, we talked about it, and this is where I think I messed up. I said that I missed our sexual relationship, that I needed it. I was not going to leave him over it because sex isn't everything to me, but I'm not dead either. At the time, he was receptive, and he said let's look into some options.

Last night, he kind of brings it up saying since I need it, I could find it elsewhere if I wanted to, and I could make sure he never knew. At this point, I think the part I messed up on was saying I "needed" something, as opposed to I "want" something. I think the absolution of my words put it into his head that that was that... . eventually I'm leaving.

He's always had an insecurity issue about our age difference. To me, it seems like he uses that as a crutch. He says things like "well, if I was 14 years younger, this wouldn't be happening" and "this is what you get for marrying an old man" He constantly thinks I'm going to find someone younger and leave him.

Is sex always going to be a problem? Is this a mixture of some insecurities with a physical issue? I keep telling him that low T is a chemical issue, not a "something wrong with him" issue. Is there anything I can or should say differently?

I guess I just feel lost. I didn't expect to lose a sexual relationship in my 30's. For me, going outside the marriage is not an option. There's an easy enough solution (a simple doctor's visit) but how do I validate his emotions about this whole thing? He's always saying he's sorry he's a basket case, how he thinks everyone would be better without him, etc etc etc anytime I try to broach the subject.

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[Pearl55]

When sex nearly stops in BPD relationships means they punish us for whatever we did and whatever we didn't. This is a way for CONTROLLING us. This is part of their sick games!

[ColdEthyl]

When sex nearly stops in BPD relationships means they punish us for whatever we did and whatever we didn't. This is a way for CONTROLLING us. This is part of their sick games!

Pearl, thank you for trying to help, but this is not my situation. My husband is self aware, medicated, and we talk constantly. We haven't had any sort of "fights" in almost a year. He can be abusive verbally if he's in a rage (almost a year now), but he doesn't abuse me otherwise. From reading this post and your other posts, it sounds like your husband really hurt you, and I am sorry. Before we got to the point we are now, I was scared, hurt and pissed all the time as well.

[sadeyes]

Hi Ethyl,

I am in a similar situation. Me 35 h 45. He does get testosterone supplementation. Maybe approach it from all the other medical problems low T causes as opposed to focusing on just sex. My pwBPD has the testosterone of an 90 yr old man without supplementation.

A few years ago, I was the office mgr/ assistant for a Dr who treated this problem. I learned A Lot! It is very important that you get the right doc. A lot of regular docs do not know how to properly treat this.

Let me know if I can answer any questions for you.

[ColdEthyl]

I have tried to tell him that there's other things we can do in bed together, and that "finishing" doesn't even have to be the goal, and that does no good. The longer it goes on not even trying to have sex, the worse he gets about it. He told me the other night the longer we go without trying, the harder for him it is to even want to try. It's like he's digging himself into this hole, and I have no way to get him out of it, and no way to knock the shovel out of his hands.

We have a weekend get-away this weekend, and I think I will try the doctor angle again when we are home.

[MissyM]

It took years to convince my dBPDh to take T.  He is hypopituitary and is low on several hormones.  They make a huge difference in his life and I notice he stops taking them when he is disregulated, which adds to how awful he feels.  I 2nd the suggestion that you make it about something other than ED.  Testosterone improves memory, stamina and muscle tone.  The thing that I am big on is that it be bioidentical.  Most of what is prescribed is not.

[Greenmeadow]

Hi ColdEthyl,

I am sorry that you're going through this and feel lost. It could very easily be the medication he's on for his BPD effecting his sex drive, as I know it can have a profound effect. It's effects my dBPDh too, though it is a physical insecurrity as well as a medication thing too.

It's a promising sign that he is happy to talk about it and is concerned about your needs. Maybe you could use this as a starting point for finding a happy solution for you both.

My h is always saying he's "fruit loop" "nut case" and I'd be better without him, it's not easy, I can only reassure him that I wouldn't be, ackonowledge how he feels and say how I feel too and have an adult conversation about it before he shuts down.

Good luck

[ColdEthyl]

This is EXACTLY what he does! Always saying I'd be better off without him, saying he's sorry he's so messed up, etc. and I think a great deal of his anxiety is mental. A few times before we quit having sex, he would have a problem 'finishing", and no matter what I said (IE it's perfectly normal, I don't care about not finishing, but I miss the intimacy, etc) he's got it in his head that's he just 'old' and 'messed up' *sigh*

I called a low T clinic, and he said he would go with me. Well, come to find out they don't have the gel I've seen on TV, but they do weekly injections. There is NO way in heck I'll ever get him to do something like that, so I told him not to worry about it. I tried again last night to initiate by asking him to tell me about the sex dream he mentioned the other day, and he brushed me off, said he was about to go to sleep, and he did just that. I guess the most frustrating part for me is if I knew there was a light at the end of tunnel, I could do it. But, thinking well gees I'm 34 and my sex life is completely over... . well suffice to say that thought depresses me, and I don't know what to do  I don't know how to process the constant rejection, (that's how it feels) and I find myself bitter when I see commercials about sex or loving couples. :/

Hi ColdEthyl,

I am sorry that you're going through this and feel lost. It could very easily be the medication he's on for his BPD effecting his sex drive, as I know it can have a profound effect. It's effects my dBPDh too, though it is a physical insecurrity as well as a medication thing too.

It's a promising sign that he is happy to talk about it and is concerned about your needs. Maybe you could use this as a starting point for finding a happy solution for you both.

My h is always saying he's "fruit loop" "nut case" and I'd be better without him, it's not easy, I can only reassure him that I wouldn't be, ackonowledge how he feels and say how I feel too and have an adult conversation about it before he shuts down.

Good luck