It's not about me

[goingtostopthis]

I saw this message in a video I was watching tonight.  It's not about me.  As being a rather simple message as it is, it really hit home. Ive been so busy iternalizing every single last awful thing he has said to me that I have forgotten just how important it is for me to heed this message and heed it good.  I think all of us need to remind ours selves of this message 24/7 and then some.

                                                   By repeating this to myself over and over I was able to lift off a lot of the junk that he's dumped on me and I feel a lot better. A lot lighter. A lot freer.   Ive been frustrated by how this has really take a tul on me.  Ive still been able to basically function, take care of myself and do the regular things I need to do, it hasnt been all that easy though. Ive been resentful because its been really hard to do the things I want to do, the things I enjoy doing because Ive either been too depressed, or to zombified, meaning I get in a way where I just sit there and watch BPD videos, or journal about how I feel or worse yet, sit and stare at my computer watching the chat icon wondering if it will ever light up again,   I unfriended him, but  still look at his page.  Im so glad I unfriended him though because I couldnt believe the junk sayings he was putting up that were so hypocritical of how he has really been. It was making me sick and some of the other stuff was just plain ugly in nature, attitude wise.

                              Im going to make a sign for myself to look at anytime I start to feel down.  "It's not about me."   Because it isnt.  I think this is going to help me to get on with my regular way of life and detach myself from him further.   Its weird though because I still have dual feelings about him. I guess this is normal. When I feel better its as if Im finally starting to come to my senses,  and I feel like,  heck!  I dont want to hear from him.  I want this peace, who wouldnt.  You know ,  and then when I least want it I fall and start mourning him again and wanting him to contact me.   I stare at the chat icon again and again and again.  Im getting tierd of it which is good.  I reread our last message about 10 times all ready.  I read my last statement the other day and I couldnt believe how well I held my own and it showed me even more how he disregards everything I have said no matter how impactful or real, loving or wise.  He passes over all it and just goes on with his hatefulness as if I never said anything at all.  He hasnt given an ounce of validity to any of it. He could be talking a monkey as far as he's concerned.  Thats probably what he really really wants to think. He cant handle my truth because it the the truth. It is what is it and Im glad Ive found some more comfort in all this by remembering:  It's not about me. (  : 

[dreamofpeace]

Thanks for sharing. I think it's such a great step to find something that helps you feel stronger and connected back to yourself. It is tough to struggle through the "zombified" moments, but I find its ok to let myself mourn when I mourn. I just know I'm mourning my story of him, what I made him to be in my mind, and that is not who he is in reality. That is what makes this so intense for me... . I can close my eyes and remember the sweetest, amazing moments with this man and miss those. Then I can remember his aggressive hand on my neck and end up in so much confusion. But his grabbing me that night was a true gift. It made it all clear for me and brought me BACK to me. Even through the fears and struggles, I was finally able to be back to myself and taking care of me. I came first. He was no longer my business. And I still have my sweet memories. Confusing, yes, and just what it is for me right now... .

Every step we take to be gentle with ourselves is going to count... . baby steps will work. I'm glad that you are feeling lighter realizing "it's not about me."

[heartandwhole]

Hi goingtostopthis,

This is a good insight, I'm glad it has brought some relief.  So often we take everything so personally and internalize the blame, which crushes our self-esteem.  What pwBPD did is not personal, though, it's part of the disorder and will show up with other people as well.

It's really normal to have conflicting feelings about your ex.  I've definitely been there.  Do you think it's time to stop looking at the facebook page?  I used to get all bent out of shape when I peeked at pwBPD's website.  Thankfully, it disappeared.   

Keep up the good work, goingtostopthis!