In a state of limbo right now

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I find myself wanting to declare without any doubt that I am committed to Staying with my BPD husband, but in recent weeks, I realise that I am not so sure... .   This past weekend was the second time I have uttered the words "divorce" to my husband.  I feel so pushed to the limit and I cannot hold my tongue and out it blurts!  I read a bit this morning on this message board about the "recycling relationship" phenomenon and I realise that this is what he and I are busy doing!  I dread going into a toxic cycle of recycling!

My ambivalence is draining me!  My husband does not seem to want to divorce, but it has been me now in the past few weeks who has felt pushed to the absolute limit to consider whether divorce is perhaps not the healthiest thing to do for us both.

I have been thinking that I should make a list of positive things about him, as I tend to focus entirely on his BPD behaviours these days.  In no particular order of priority:

* He has never been physically violent, or abusive to me or anyone else since I have known him;

* He realises that he is mentally ill and needs help, as he acknowledges it verbally.  (Not quite sure to what extent he is convinced in his mind that he can be helped;

* He does not drink alcohol at all out of choice - his parents were both alcoholics and drug users;

* He does not use drugs any more and is committed to staying clean (he was a heroin and codeine addict until 3 years ago);

* He takes his Bipolar Mood Stabilising medication daily (has had times where he decided to tamper with the meds as he does not like how drowsy and lethargic he gets, but then had a bad epileptic attack, coupled with bad depression, so he went back on);

* He takes his anti-addiction medication (Suboxone) religiously each day to help him with his opioid deficiency state;

* He has in therapy discovered that he does not want to commit suicide and close the door to life completely;

* His self-harming behaviour appears to have moderated and improved over time and he is very open about cutting himself and how he does not want to resort to this any more as a coping skill;

* He was capable of briefly  discussing the overdose attempt (mood meds) he made some months ago, as opposed to totally shutting off all talk about it - which is what he used to do in the past apparently;

* He tries to find activities and hobbies to keep himself occupied during the day, even if he does not seem able to stick with them for extended periods of time;

* He tries to do some housekeeping and gardening work at home, because he does not have any employment and cannot contribute to our living expenses;

* He is capable of quite calm and rational communication/discussion with me, even if most of it is him talking and me having to listen and pay diligent attention;

* He seems capable of absorbing feedback from me when he is in a relatively calm state, even if he does then use it later in a bit of a distorted way.  But it is not always hugely distorted, so he is capable of absorbing some of my message.

* He says he wants help and he needs people to tell him how to be, as nobody when he was growing up ever took time to nurture him and "teach him life".

* He has a very gentle, compassionate and loving side to him (and, yes, of course  he has that angry, hurt, invalidated, downtrodden, bitter, misunderstood, damaged, chaotic and confused and desperately needy other half of him too).

* He is a very deep person who thinks about deep things, we can have really good discussions about things that go more than just at surface level;

* He wants to help others, he has a passion for motivational speaking about the dangers of drug abuse and he has held talks before, and seems to have a real talent for public speaking.

* He is not selfish or materialistic, pays no attention to status or brand names, he has a humble approach to material things, having grown up very poor.  He appreciates whatever he gets and is able to be thankful.  Does not take things for granted.

[Ihope2]

I find myself wanting to declare without any doubt that I am committed to Staying with my BPD husband, but in recent weeks, I realise that I am not so sure... .   This past weekend was the second time I have uttered the words "divorce" to my husband.  I feel so pushed to the limit and I cannot hold my tongue and out it blurts!  I read a bit this morning on this message board about the "recycling relationship" phenomenon and I realise that this is what he and I are busy doing!  I dread going into a toxic cycle of recycling!

My ambivalence is draining me!  My husband does not seem to want to divorce, but it has been me now in the past few weeks who has felt pushed to the absolute limit to consider whether divorce is perhaps not the healthiest thing to do for us both.

I have been thinking that I should make a list of positive things about him, as I tend to focus entirely on his BPD behaviours these days.  In no particular order of priority:

* He has never been physically violent, or abusive to me or anyone else since I have known him;

* He realises that he is mentally ill and needs help, as he acknowledges it verbally.  (Not quite sure to what extent he is convinced in his mind that he can be helped;

* He does not drink alcohol at all out of choice - his parents were both alcoholics and drug users;

* He does not use drugs any more and is committed to staying clean (he was a heroin and codeine addict until 3 years ago);

* He takes his Bipolar Mood Stabilising medication daily (has had times where he decided to tamper with the meds as he does not like how drowsy and lethargic he gets, but then had a bad epileptic attack, coupled with bad depression, so he went back on);

* He takes his anti-addiction medication (Suboxone) religiously each day to help him with his opioid deficiency state;

* He has in therapy discovered that he does not want to commit suicide and close the door to life completely;

* His self-harming behaviour appears to have moderated and improved over time and he is very open about cutting himself and how he does not want to resort to this any more as a coping skill;

* He was capable of briefly  discussing the overdose attempt (mood meds) he made some months ago, as opposed to totally shutting off all talk about it - which is what he used to do in the past apparently;

* He tries to find activities and hobbies to keep himself occupied during the day, even if he does not seem able to stick with them for extended periods of time;

* He tries to do some housekeeping and gardening work at home, because he does not have any employment and cannot contribute to our living expenses;

* He is capable of quite calm and rational communication/discussion with me, even if most of it is him talking and me having to listen and pay diligent attention;

* He seems capable of absorbing feedback from me when he is in a relatively calm state, even if he does then use it later in a bit of a distorted way.  But it is not always hugely distorted, so he is capable of absorbing some of my message.

* He says he wants help and he needs people to tell him how to be, as nobody when he was growing up ever took time to nurture him and "teach him life".

* He has a very gentle, compassionate and loving side to him (and, yes, of course  he has that angry, hurt, invalidated, downtrodden, bitter, misunderstood, damaged, chaotic and confused and desperately needy other half of him too).

* He is a very deep person who thinks about deep things, we can have really good discussions about things that go more than just at surface level;

* He wants to help others, he has a passion for motivational speaking about the dangers of drug abuse and he has held talks before, and seems to have a real talent for public speaking.

* He is not selfish or materialistic, pays no attention to status or brand names, he has a humble approach to material things, having grown up very poor.  He appreciates whatever he gets and is able to be thankful.  Does not take things for granted.

[MissyM]

There are some positives in that list.  What is your BPDh doing for his BPD and addictions?  Are you doing anything to help get support for you?  Living in limbo is no fun, as that is where I am.  However, the one day at a time attitude really helps me.  I can't control the outcome, I can only do the things I need to do to get healthier.