Grieving

[SoMuchPain]

Grieving my best friend and my dog and my hopes and dreams for the future now that I have come to face the fact that I have spent the past 2 years with a very troubled woman. 

I knew something was wrong 5 months into the relationship, when she became cold as ice one day after a minor fight.  I think I'll put my "story" on the L1 board, but for now, all that matters is that I am 7 weeks NC after a sudden and complete abandonment, and I have accepted now that this relationship will never be.

That doesn't mean necessarily that I have reached "acceptance" in the grieving process.  I just know rationally that it's not a possibility, no matter what.  Emotionally, however, I am still completely all over the place.  It's rough and I don't know where to turn.  I am doing all the "healthy" things I should be doing (going to work, seeing friends, going to therapy, meditation).

But if I have to completely admit it, I am just sad.  Sad for my loss, and sad for this terrible disease.  And sad that so many people seem to have childhoods that just ruin them.   :'(  Probably myself included, for being such a co-dependent.

[NyGirl8]

Right there with you.  I cannot seem to keep the anger for very long, which sucks for me... . codependent as they come.  The anger makes NC (or Low Contact as we have children together) much, much easier.  I am not an angry person, I was not meant to hold anger... . I am empathetic, and optimistic, and caring... . makes accepting this all so very difficult... . and sad.

I guess the good thing I have learned is that codependency can be worked on.  It is not a permanent state.  BPD, sadly, is most of time.

[guitargrl]

I can relate to you both so well… 2+weeks here, so difficult and sad to let go of dreams.  I wish I could be angry it would be a whole heck of a lot easier. Instead I just feel so sad about it all.

[Allmessedup]

Starting over... .

I am on a very similar time line as you are... . I an 6 weeks out.

It is so so hard sometimes... . and other times it is easier.  Keep working on you and keep posting.  I have found it helps tremendously to post here!

[24/7/30]

Grieving my best friend and my dog and my hopes and dreams for the future now that I have come to face the fact that I have spent the past 2 years with a very troubled woman. 

But if I have to completely admit it, I am just sad.  Sad for my loss, and sad for this terrible disease.  And sad that so many people seem to have childhoods that just ruin them.   :'(  Probably myself included, for being such a co-dependent.

Grieving my what I thought was my best friend, my dogs and all the hopes and dreams for the future.  I am so so so painfully aware that I too am right there.  All the things I thought were just givens... . live together for the rest of my life... . sitting in a rocking chair at age 90 reviewing the life I had and thinking only good things... . all gone.  I was in love with someone who didn't Truly exists.  I worked hard to make her be real and good and right but it never worked. It backfired every time.

So now I am letting myself be sad.  Acknowledging that I am sad.  Sitting in the sadness when I feel sad.  Not trying to run and hide from it.  I totally understand your post and thank you for it.  I have been out of my 15 year relationship for 3 years and so often it feels like I left 15 minutes ago.

[Popcorn71]

But if I have to completely admit it, I am just sad. 

I know how you feel.  After 10 weeks NC that's how I feel too.

It is only natural to be sad at the end of a relationship.  I think we are entitled to be even more sad as this is far worse than any death!

[SoMuchPain]

It is only natural to be sad at the end of a relationship.  I think we are entitled to be even more sad as this is far worse than any death!

It is.  And yet you get no bereavement time at work or sympathy cards, or many people checking up on you, because every third party at this point thinks Good Riddance, you are better off!

I know in the long run I am.  I do know that.  But there here and now is what I've got, and for a while, I'm going to be sad.  My logical mind cannot keep my emotions at bay 24/7.  I did start an anti-depressant to get me over the hump (I know I'm not ill, but that intense emotion I had weeks ago could've sent me spiraling).  The meds have definitely numbed some of the intensity.  But the feeling is still there.  (Thank God ... I don't want to be a zombie).  And the feeling sucks.  And it's just something that has to pass with time.

Oh, and NC is torture.  It really is.  Going totally against all your inclinations.  But I know it's the MOST important part of healing.  Still sucks. :'(