About this NC thing

[Carter]

Hi folks,

I understand how important the concept of no contact is, but I don't think it is totally attainable for everyone,

Going through the legal process of separating and divorce, it seems some contact is actually necessary, is it an indicator

of personal progress that I can chose when to communicate with BPD and when I can politely hang up after a warning?

[Perfidy]

Hi carter, no contact is more of a position than anything else. It's hard for anyone that has been close to a pwBPD to keep perfect no contact. It is generally used as a shield from emotional turmoil that interferes with our healing and balance. It calms the sea so to speak. A divorce? Well, most divorce processes include an injunction that actually mandates no contact for thirty days or more. This is prudently administered by the courts as a cooling off period. At least that's how it was when I divorced my wife.

What you describe as hanging up when conditions become difficult or overly emotional could be simply maintaining boundaries with contact. Everyone is different although circumstance is similar. Ideally detaching from an expwBPD would result in permanent no contact, as interaction with disorder cannot serve any meaningful purpose.

[seeking balance]

I understand how important the concept of no contact is, but I don't think it is totally attainable for everyone,

You are correct - it is not reasonable for everyone.  NC is a tool to aid the detachment process - when feasible can help tremendously getting out of the FOG.

Going through the legal process of separating and divorce, it seems some contact is actually necessary, is it an indicator of personal progress that I can chose when to communicate with BPD and when I can politely hang up after a warning?

I am not sure I understand what you mean in terms of communication and hanging up.  My ex and I had LC (limited contact) through the divorce time.  We had to deal with taxes and such and managed to do it rather cleanly although it took a lot of effort - I used staying board communication tools during this time.  For the most part, everything legal - the attorneys handled.

It was important for my own healing for very good  boundaries.

[Carter]

Hi

Thanks for the responses,

I guess what I meant by communication and hanging up, is that my boundaries in the past were poor or non-existant, and that now

I am able to shut it down quicker and better.

I do find that for reasons I'm not sure I understand that, except when I've had one too many pints I really don't care who or what she is doing now.

[Clearmind]

Carter, I agree!

I never went NC either and during that process learnt more about my ex, myself and my triggers, boundaries and putting good coping skills into action.

NC is good while pain is acute however it rarely helps in the detaching process long term.