So how can I find the best way to be in her life, while not being IN her life?
Yes to immersing yourself in your own life and living it.
There is a piece in all of this that involves your RELATIONSHIP with your DD and how, what you have tried to accomplish with her doesn't get her where she needs to be. I don't want this to sound like blame... . no blame as it is really just the way things turned out as a result of your love for her and as a result of her illness.
She will continue pulling at your heartstrings is my hunch. And it will be hard for you to stay removed. You are looking for a way to stay involved where you don't get overly involved to the point of rescue.
Being a listener is important.
Telling yourself that what you are doing that she doesn't like is really FOR HER is even more important. It is outside of the pattern, outside of your concept of mothering and certainly outside of her idea of who and how her mother should be.
Keeping yourself busy is a great plan. Filling yourself up with something new or with something you've set aside and are now reawakening is also a great plan.
It's hard to conceptualize how shutting a door can be the only way to motivate her to open it, isn't it?
Keep the faith sweetie.
Thursday