Brokenhearted after call from PO today

[qcarolr]

Sometimes I can sing with joy for the peace that is here for me and my family, even as I experience the grief of knowing how hard DD's life is, has been, and most likely will be. My meditations this morning encourage me to be in today; DD belongs to herself and is not alone - both in spririt and in body/mind; dh, gd and I can find peace together.

I will hold onto this feeling today, it is likely to pass. Yet I know peace is always here for me when I seek it.

co.jo -- you can sing with me if you like!

qcr

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

Spoke to DD today. Found it inside to be encouraging with her today - had written her a letter to mail tomorrow. It will just confirm our talk today.

Reminded DD that she has a deep compassion for other people, and she gives a lot of herself then often gets taken advantage of. She still has that compassion in her heart and it is time to give it all to herself. She replied that she does not deserve it. I said that is a LIE. She is worthy of giving this compassion and love to herself. There are many that love her, and her family loves her.

I am forwarding a very encouraging letter from her best exbf -- he is older and was her protector for 2 years on the street until meth got him messed up. He is also in jail, for burglary, and cannot write her directly.

She also got a letter from another homeless friend that lived with us for about 9 months. He was trying hard to pull things together and was such a good friend - until meth got him messed up. He is getting out of prison in 6 months, she was the victim of assault so gets notified of any changes.

DD said she so misses him, though she was trying to break up with him and harrassed him until he attacked her.

It is all so messed up. Fantasy that they would all get clean and live happily ever after.   Now that is one to really let go of, and avoid validating the invalid when talking to DD.

She was talking about the work release program. I think she is talking to other women in her dorm that have done it before. She is fearful of failing. I asked - what is the worst that can happen? Well, she would be back in this dorm again. I asked, couldn't it be worse than that. As you have said, at least you feel treated like a human here.

I have been reading posts tonight, and there is so much grief, loss and fear about our big kids with BPD. There is such a lack of treatment that is successful for some. Even with every sincere effort by a circle of support in family, friends, professionals. There is such a deep feeling of aloneness and failure.

So to continue to balance the needs for me and dh and gd as DD begins another new path. She is already hinting about my giving her more support - being with her, driving her to appts. --- if they do not help her get a bus pass. Maybe I will buy her some bus passes if I see her.

She has to log everywhere she goes during the day. I said this is a great opportunity to learn a new skill!

We will see how much compassion the supervisor of work release has. Maybe they expect independent activity and I will have to emotionally support DD in moving back into regular dorm.

qcr

ps. I did tell DD that I will be hard to reach on weekends if we are away from the house, and this is spring break week so do not get discouraged if I do not answer. She opened the call with anger about my not answering and calmed right down with my reasons - celebration at my mom's for her 84th birthday and I left my phone on the charger at home. Also told her the limit of our financial help.

It was a good day.

[Thursday]

So how can I find the best way to be in her life, while not being IN her life?

Yes to immersing yourself in your own life and living it.

There is a piece in all of this that involves your RELATIONSHIP with your DD and how, what you have tried to accomplish with her doesn't get her where she needs to be. I don't want this to sound like blame... . no blame as it is really just the way things turned out as a result of your love for her and as a result of her illness.

She will continue pulling at your heartstrings is my hunch. And it will be hard for you to stay removed. You are looking for a way to stay involved where you don't get overly involved to the point of rescue.

Being a listener is important.

Telling yourself that what you are doing that she doesn't like is really FOR HER is even more important. It is outside of the pattern, outside of your concept of mothering and certainly outside of her idea of who and how her mother should be.

Keeping yourself busy is a great plan. Filling yourself up with something new or with something you've set aside and are now reawakening is also a great plan.

It's hard to conceptualize how shutting a door can be the only way to motivate her to open it, isn't it?

Keep the faith sweetie.

Thursday

[qcarolr]

There is a passion bubbling in me to paint again. I have not painted since about 1999. Perhaps I shut down when my dad died from a failed heart transplant in 1997. Perhaps the emotion suppressing impact of new meds. for my bipolarII. Getting back to work with support from state voc. rehab - back into accounting when I really wanted to go into social work. Accounting had better chance of quick job and more money. Made same choices away from my heart when in college in 1976 - business college instead of  social sciences.

So here are two passions open to me now.

qcr

[Thursday]

I love it! Your new avatar is befitting a painter!

[pessim-optimist]

There is a passion bubbling in me to paint again. I have not painted since about 1999... .

So here are two passions open to me now.

That is beautiful qcr!

I have also made choices away from my heart, and it is very different when we just go through the motions versus doing something we are passionate about - we come alive with following our passions. I am happy for you!