Brokenhearted after call from PO today

[qcarolr]

I realize part of this post was on another thread. I am pasting this from an email to my T so I don't have to type the whole thing over again.

It has been a hard week for DD27, and therefore hard for me. I do not know if I shared the drama of last Friday with DD being returned to jail after 24 hours at the detox. She did not need to 'detox', just to manage her behavior 4 days before getting into the TRT program. I sat with her Friday for 2 hours, helped her de-escalate a bit, then the police came with a probation officer to take her back to jail. She claimed they were treating her disrespectfully at the detox - I experienced some of this attitude with the staff there. DD had called me to get her, she was being kicked out. This time I went, then walked her back inside to check her probation status. Facility director met with us in conference room. They would not give DD her belongings until they heard back from probation. [In January DD called from a bus stop near detox, also there waiting to get into the TRT (Transitional Residential Treatment program) saying she was kicked out, and she needed to have been going to jail then. It took 4 more weeks of avoiding the police for that to happen, and I was involved in the police finding her. She was in really bad shape, begging to come home, and she cannot be at our house.]

DD had a hearing Thursday at the jail, there was no word from her probation so they continued it until next Thursday. Last night, as we were talking calmly, DD flipped and started blaming me for her loss of control at the detox a week ago. That was the end of that call for me.

The PO called today. I had not heard from her since the beginning of the detox meltdown. I left a couple of messages this week for her. Maybe she thought DD had court today as she seemed surprised when I said it was yesterday! The 3 probation officers with the PACE dual-dx probation program met this week to figure out what to recommend to the judge about DD. I have now spoken to all three of these women. As she said today, they have put more energy into DD's probation than DD has, and that I have put more energy into her probation that she has as well. They see great strengths in DD and also that she is on a self-destruct path. She has failed at probation multiple times. She has actually never been successful with probation. They understand her mental health issues, and also believe she has a serious problem with meth.

Probation plans to recommend a straight jail sentence followed by long-term residential treatment at a dual-dx program. The one she spoke of is in Pueblo and is called "Circles". It is a 9 month inpatient program.  I looked online. If DD would accept it and participate, she could gain a lot toward living a full life in this program. It is part of the state hospital there. I think the stigma of that location will totally undo DD, regardless of how good the program is. It is the only one that accepts her medicaid for inpatient treatment. We do not have financial ability to pay privately.

Since DD has only misdemeanors (which is a good thing) the PO did not think the court could order her to be there. I said she would have to be committed as she will not go voluntarily. The PO is going to research it some more.

Even though I know in my mind all this is for DD's good, it is so very distressing at a deep level. She is facing a long time away from everyone. Maybe even a year in jail plus the treatment center? Yet, DD says there is no one for her anyway. Her main homeless friends are all in jail right now. She cannot see gd. She cannot come to the house. We do not spend any time with her away from the house... .  We dumped her at a motel alone with no support... .  There is not any sense of personal responsibility within her from these statements she makes.

I am haunted by ways that I have contributed to this, yet at the same time I know all my choices were what they needed to be in that moment. DD is not a criminal. She has several friends in jail now - she has seen them there. They are there for crimes like burglary. She is there for being mentally ill and fighting with her ex-boyfriend and family rules and using illegal drugs. Yes, she could hurt someone in a rage, especially fueled by meth or other drugs. Why can't she just be sent to the psych dual-dx program and skip the jail time?

It is all up to the judge. How do I talk to DD this week with a clear heart knowing all this that is coming. I talked to her a couple times yesterday, so did not take her calls today. I just want to shut off my heart to her, and she needs me to love her right now.

Am blind to how God is working this for the good today? The PO and many others seem to believe jail time will push her down to accept the need for treatment. It could just as easily push her to greater and greater rage that will never be able to heal.

What do I feel? What do I think? How do I walk with a pleasant look on my face for gd and the neighborhood? Is it OK that my heart is breaking?

There are no answers until court on Thursday. Why did the PO have to miss court yesterday? They had this meeting about DD on Tuesday!

I am seeking hugs and understanding of my distress.

qcr :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[raytamtay3]

   My heart breaks for you. It's so hard to watch our kids spiral out of control as it is, and while we are trying to help them by making very difficult decisions to get them the help they need, it's still very very hard. But we have to remember that our kids put themselves in this position. They need our tough love to try and get them on a better path. You didn't do anything wrong. You are a good mom who is trying to help her DD and thereby also helping your gd. My thoughts and prayers are with you all during this difficult time. 

[co.jo]

This could so easily be any of our children. You are doing an amazing job of keeping things together, and it is so frustrating when the "professionals" mess up.

I think the jails are full of people with BPD, who in the heat of the moment did something wrong. I believe we need to make the world aware of this devastating illness, and let society know that these people are our beloved children who did not ask for this. Jail is just not the place for people with mental illnesses. Unfortunately the paradox is that we are mostly too exhausted from the life we are given as parents to even think of the advocacy that is required to help people understand.

So many stories on here bring me to tears, and yours is one of them. You are so strong, but everyone has their breaking point. I truly hope there is enough good in your life to keep you putting one foot in front of the other for your gd, and yourself. I do not think there is an answer, as there so often isn't. What will happen does not seem to be in your hands. In these moments I repeat the serenity prayer over and over, because that really is all we have. Wishing you serenity, courage and wisdom for the journey.

[pessim-optimist]

dear qcr, 

I hear your heart breaking... . of course it's ok to feel this way!   

For your gd and the neighborhood, I don't think you need to put on a show of overt positive feelings... .

It's ok to say to gd that you are very very sad, but not to worry, it will pass, and you will feel better again.

I am so sorry for what your dd is going through... . it's unbelievable that her PO missed the hearing... .

I am not sure God is turning this for the better just yet. My personal belief is that he can eventually use everything - including our mistakes and other people's poor choices - and out of that mess, in spite of it all,  bring out something beautiful, something positive.

For now, keep putting your DD in His hands... .

Sending you 

[lever.]

Dear qcr.

I don't understand the system in the USA but I do understand your distress. All I can send are the hugs and understanding you need at the moment.

Prison is not the right place for vulnerable people with a mental illness but it seems to be what happens all over the world.

I hope you can be comforted by the good thoughts that are sincerely being sent your way from all over the globe

I have the utmost respect for the way in which you have tried to help your DD and you are allowed to have times of discouragement and upset.

[Dibdob59]

Dear Qcr

Have faith in yourself when you struggle to find faith anywhere else. Through all the layers of guilt and self doubt, you know, in that deepest part inside yourself, that you can live through this second, this minute, this hour, this day ... .

Breathe... .

Listen... .

Touch... .

Sense all that is around you in the physical realm. Try to quiet your mind from the fears that are whirling there.  What will happen, will happen.  Try not to think back and blame yourself.

Try not to think ahead and fear the future.

Just be ... .

Stand and watch your granddaughter playing, then hold her and breathe her in. Feel her love for you and yours for her.

Know you are doing all you can in circumstances that would force most people to crumble.  They do not know how it is. God willing they never will.

We are all praying for you and your family

Dibdob

[Reality]

Qcaroir:

Thinking of you and your dear daughter... .

Reality

[peaceplease]

qcr,

I am so sorry and understand why you are brokenhearted.  I can understand your questioning in what God's plan is here.  I am hoping that PO is right and your dd will come around to accept treatment when she sees no other way. 

I am glad that you ended the call when she started blaming you.   Please continue to do that.  Take care of you.  I am glad that you took a break from the calls.   

Here are hugs.      And, I understand your distress!   Keeping you and yours in prayer.

peace

[qcarolr]

Accepted Dd's call this afternoon. Am always quiet, waiting for her to say something after I ask "How are you doing today"... .   I am not sure what she is needing or wanting, certainly not my quietness. I told her often whatever I say gets an angry response so I hesitate to say anything.

So I talked about what was going on at the house today. Gd waking up ready to go at 5am, eating snacks beside me in bed (dh at least pretended to be asleep for a bit). The dogs romping with her. Then she is telling us how she saved the little fish that jumped out of the aquarium - it got in the way of a bigger fish that bumped it and it flipped, flopped on about 3 things before it hit the floor. She saved it.

That was the big event in our day. DD seemed to have a good response to the story.

She talked about some health issues, though they seem to be treating these OK. She asked about a couple of specific things, that we do have at the house. She seemed to think I had gotten nothing from the last motel. I said, I got lots of stuff in cloth grocery bags and big hampers of dirty clothes. I just did not find a backpack - that she has remembered now leaving at a friend (who is supposed to drop it off at the house).

Then the 15 minutes was over and I invited her to call tomorrow.

I cannot even imagine the stress she has been under evading arrest for those 4 weeks. All the people she had taking advantage of her, stealing her stuff... .   I hope she can find a way to understand that she is safer where she is now even if it is crowded, noisy, uncomfortable. Hopefully the health stuff will resolve and she can start to feel better.

Gotta go get GD to bed. You all are life savers for me.

qcr

[jellibeans]

Dear qcr

I am just finding this thread... . I am sorry for your struggles with dd. I am hopeful about your last post. One thing your dd has struggled with is living on her own without structure... . unfortunately jail is providing that structure right now... . I do see that as a step in the right direction... . a possibility for her to get help... . the relief you must feel to know that she is not on the streets etc... . I do hope things turn around for her and your family can get through this... . my thoughts are with you... . take care of yourself

[theplotthickens]

My daughter is 17, and I fear that this will be her future, as she refuses to change or use the coping skills she has been taught in various treatments.

At the same time, if your daughter is using illegal drugs, she has broken the law.  If she has been physically fighting with her bf, she has broken the law.  While our kids are so dysregulated and sick, I believe that they need to know that there are consequences for their choices.  

If your daughter is involved in meth, there is a good possibility that she will die from that drug, or from the behaviors surrounding getting access to it.  Therefore, drastic measures are needed, in order to save your daughter's life.

This is so heartbreaking to hear.  Your daughter sounds like mine, a very hard nut to crack!  If she has resisted treatment, all you can do is hope and pray that the "strong arm of the law" will bring her to a place of seeing the need to change her life.

It is not up to you at this point - it is up to law enforcement and the judge.  I would recommend radically accepting this.  Let go of feeling to be responsible for the outcome.  I believe that the Law shows us our faults; it doesn't cause them.  

My hope is that the jail time will help your daughter accept that she needs to live her life within the bounds of the law or there will be consequences, (my 17 year old does not feel she needs to follow any rules) and that the experience will help her to have the courage to turn her life around.  Since they plan is for long term treatment, she will be offered the help she needs, but only your daughter decide whether or not she wants to change.

From an outsider, jail followed by long term tx sounds like a good, solid plan for a mentally ill person who is also addicted and who has been treatment-resistant.  It sounds like less restrictive options have failed.  

I hope that you can feel at peace with this plan, as it is really not within your power to change it.  I know that is really easy to say, but hard to do.  We love our kids so much!  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[qcarolr]

There is some peace in knowing this is in the hands of the judge on Thursday. At least the next step. I get that this is the result of DD's life choices - whether they are in her conscious control or not they are her's to face. Whether she will get this is unknown to me. There has been a lot of support for me, and my heart is quiet.

I can tell she is concerned that the PO has not contacted her. She has a public defender lawyer that should be there on Thursday. It is common for there to be zero contact prior to being in the courtroom with the judge. Her hearing will be in the jail courtroom. I told her today that I would like to be there to hear myself what the result is, and I will be at home with gd. Asked her to call me after court, and I will check with booking in the evening as well.

Judges do not always take the DA's point of view. DD has taken some steps to make a new plan with a different program that provides housing and counseling and structure. She has talked with her lawyer about this last week at that hearing.

It is a waiting game. Always a waiting game.  Yes, she has been in a very unstable condition for most of the last 12 months. It was March 2013 that I knew she needed to be out of our house. She would not abide by the boundary of none of her friends being at our house. She did not seem to get why this was a problem. She may never understand the traumatic impact of this on gd. Well, on all of us.

I will let you know how things go on Thursday,

qcr

[vivekananda]

Dear qcr,

On Thurs I will double my efforts to send you positive energy to hold you and yours strong. Remember your 'mantras', I am with you,

Vivek 

[qcarolr]

Thanks Vivek.

qcr

[Pizzas123]

qcr,

I am so sorry for what you are going through.  I hope the days ahead get easier.  I will not forget you in my prayers.

Hugs to you

[PrincessMa]

There is some peace in knowing this is in the hands of the judge on Thursday.

I am thinking of you and your daughter today.  I hope things go well for her and for you as well.

[griz]

I am thinking and sending good energy your way and praying all goes well.

Griz

[hopeforhappiness10]

I am so sorry for your struggles. I am sure you find  that some of your friends and family have a hard time understanding your situtaiton with your daughter and it is so easy to question ourselves on what we did right or wrong. I know people have made me feel that I did something horrible to cause my situation with my daughter.  For me, People love to tell me that I  gave my daughter too much yet my younger daughter is just as spoiled and she is not like her sister. I am trying to find my confidence back as a parent. I am trying to tell myself every day that I am a good mother and I can't want her recovery more than she does.  Just know that regardless of your daughter's choices/actions, you have done everything you can.  Your and your daughter are in my prayers.

Take  care!

[qcarolr]

I am trying to tell myself every day that I am a good mother and I can't want her recovery more than she does.  Just know that regardless of your daughter's choices/actions, you have done everything you can.  

hopeforhappiness10 - I too remind myself every day that I am a good mom. There are fewer days now that I struggle to believe myself. And I have a team of probation officers in a special dual-dx community based program saying that they and I have been working much too hard on Dd's probation while she has been unable to show up.

All I can do now is share my story when I have the chance, with someone that maybe can direct DD toward recovery and therapy. Her lawyer called before court today. I cannot know if telling my side of DD's story to her made a difference this afternoon. My basic focus was that she needs structure and not to be set out on the street without housing, food, and someone to help her construct something to do during the day.

I have to wait a couple hours for the records to get updated before I call and ask the sentence. I will update when I know.

Thanks for all the prayers. They can only help.

qcr

[qcarolr]

Called booking at jail. Her sentence is 260 days work release. Not sure what that means since she does not have a job or go to school. Maybe she will still be in PACE program during day? She sleeps at the jail and is there on the weekends. Maybe she will call me. She will most likely want to come to the house to get some of her stuff for daytime. Hope that can happen while gd is at school tomorrow.

qcr

[vivekananda]

It sounds like there is a possibility for a positive outcome   a work release gets her doing something with others during the day and gives some sort of structure to her day. I hope the support mechanisms fall into place also.

Vivek  

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[peaceplease]

qcr,

That sounds promising!  Perhaps, it is the PACE plan.  Keeping you in thoughts and prayers.

peace

[qcarolr]

DD called. She is distressed by length of sentence. Since she lives in the moment it must feel like a never ending time. She has 2 weeks to get a job. She has been unable to get one in the past year, she knows how limited her chances are now. On work release you have to manage your clothes, food, etc during the day for work. I think she is overwhelmed by all this.

At first I was really angry about the work release without any support. As I processed this with my own distress and with dh, I realized that she has had many many chances to do this with support. Lots of support. Lots of caring people putting lots of their energy and resources in place for her. She is just not willing and/or able to do the hard and painful work of recovery and healing.

She will feel abandoned yet I have to find the courage to set in place the limits to what dh and I can provide for her. The money for her weekly commissary, keeping the jail contact via phone open (about $2.35 per call on prepaid account to my cell #). I will tell her to call every other day to stretch these dollars. Her visit times conflict with gd's needs - will remind her this is why I do not visit. Encourage her to take advantage of every opportunity for therapy and classes while in jail. THey do have a long list.

After things settle in a few weeks, maybe I can write her about the dual-dx program in another city. Maybe they have a way to get her info directly and take me out of the middle. Maybe if she goes, then the judge would release her to this program to serve out her sentence. One more chance that her own benefits will pay for.

I have to do something to keep a glimmer of hope alive for her to put her life on a new path. She says she wants to. So she has to get the basic emotional skills to make those choices from what the jail has to offer.

I will keep up my prayers for her release from the many strongholds blocking her way.

[Thursday]

Hi Q,

I can feel your heartache. This is such an uphill battle for you and your family. I hope you can SEE that you have done what you could have done.

I have an online friend with a BPD SD of her own. Her BPDSD has issues and problems that mine doesn't... . no addiction problems, no raging... . and yet the issues are really the same. These girls work against themselves and do what they do without understanding how much it hurts the ones who love them. My friend's SD left their home at 18, is operating on her own somewhere far away and they don't have any contact with her except for few and far between letters with no information about how she is doing. They have no idea how she is surviving, no idea if she has any support, if she is being abused or harmed. In this case, this girl has left a warm and loving family to live some fraction of life that would be whole if she would allow it. Why? Because they expected her to function to her capacity. That is the bottom line... . they can see that she has capabilities and wanted her to live up to what she is clearly capable of. So, their daughter blamed and ran.

My friends DSD imposes this restriction from her family on herself even though there is support for her, love for her, a place for her in their lives. Her circumstances are different than your DD's but in the end it is pretty much the same- instead of seeing her issues she blames others, hides from them by staying in denial, stays sick and impaired and makes her life so much harder than it needs to be.

I can see it gets very hard for you to maintain perspective. I believe when she blames you feel guilty! Your love for your daughter has kept you entangled with her illness to everyone's detriment. Being realistic... . you have provided all of the decent chances in the world but you are working with a person who is leaning into her issues and problems and is hell bent NOT to bend.

In a tiny nutshell example... . you provided your DD with a hotel room at your own hard won expense and your DD invited people into her hotel room who robbed her and got her kicked out. She wants to live in your home and do the same but you must protect yourself and your GD. You have custody of your DD's daughter because she wasn't doing the job. Instead of stepping up to her responsibilities, she blames you for having custody. And you have to keep DD away because she brings in these bad people when you let her come home.

What does one do with a person who refuses to comply? They either let the person operate the ship and go down with it too OR they mutiny to save themselves and everyone else on board.

It's not fair because it hurts you either way. So, you have to choose the course that hurts the least and in your case, you have your GD to protect from her mother and that is a harsh, so very harsh reality. This is why you have custody of GD, to protect her.

And you don't really even have a choice since your DD really won't comply on any level. Even when things have gotten more regulated, she still won't step up to anything more or better, behaviors and patterns repeat and a good life goes down the drain and she blames more.

Now is the time to hold fast to your values, to focus on other things. Focus means FOCUS! Focus on what you can do, can accomplish for your GD, your DH and your self. The three of you can rebuild and save each other. What lies in store for your DD is HER CHOICE since you have done what you could. You will never not love her and never not wish her the best but you MUST accept that you can't change things for her. Nothing you can or will do will change things for her. She isn't allowing it. Maybe she will some day but for now... . well, we shall see if these current constraints are enough to make her snap out of this miserable existence she chooses for herself.

I talked about my friend because her situation is a vivid example of how strong the mental illness is that these girls share. In her case, her SD is willing to experience life without a family. She has a family who loves her and who would support her! How crazy is that?

Crazy as BPD.

Thursday

[raytamtay3]

QCR - I truly admire your strength and your perservence (sp?). You are truly an inspiration to me.

[peaceplease]

That does not make sense that she would be assigned work release without a job.  Her chances of getting a job while in jail are even slimmer than ever.  I am wondering if the PACE program is fitting in there?  I know when my dd was assigned work release, her employer fired her.  She was supposed to be on house arrest, but failed the drug test that she didn't see coming before getting her ankle brace.     So, the judge sent her to jail until she produced a clean urine, then she was able to get work release.  When she was fired, she just had to remain in jail.  The last 30 days of her sentence were on house arrest.  It was only 60 days.  

What happened to your dd's case manager?  Even though, she is is in jail, she should still have a case manager.  Or, was her case closed due to your dd's non-compliance?  I still think that she would qualify for a case manager that would advocate what she could for dd.  

Whatever happens you have done all that you could.  I know that it doesn't hurt any less. And, I am truly sorry for the pain you are in.  I don't know if I would have the strength that you do.  I truly admire you.  You have your priorities in order while taking care of gd.  I agree with Thursday, in that how these girls do not realize the impact of their actions on others. Last year, I warned my dd not to smoke pot,a s she would be tested.  She chose to ignore me and not to play it safe.  The price that she paid was way more than she anticipated.  She insisted that she would not be tested, as she was not on probation.  The end result of her smoking was the short time in jail, not seeing her son for 30 days, and losing her job.  My gs not seeing his mom was sad.  Fortunately, she does have every other week custody, so it was really only two weeks to him.  

Do not give up hope.  Continued prayers.

peace

[qcarolr]

Thanks for all your encouragement and prayers.

I was in a bit of a hole yesterday and this morning. Dh and I started in on DD's room today. Once I get started I become a 'dirt devil' - focused and efficient. Got all the stuff off her big headboard and shoved stuff away from around bed-frame. It is waterbed from her childhood with futon mattress. Mattress gave dh an asthma attack - it is getting eaten by the trash truck next week (they use that big shredder technology - it ate a really big sofa last year while we watched!). The bed frame is in the storage trailer along with the bags of her quilt/blanket/pillow 'collection'. I also packed up everything into bins from the bathroom including the plastic shoebox FULL of fingernail polish and 6 bottles of polish remover. It feels good to have dh focusing us on this project. He is putting a workbench in this room, and I am putting a craft/painting area for gd and I to use.

I called the bank about our home equity line, and they approved a really big increase in our limit. It is interest only for 10 years. We anticipate downsizing about then when gd gets out of high school so we can pay off all the home debt. Maybe even have enough equity by then to buy outright in a new community. It is a long way off. This takes a big burden off my shoulders managing our budget. And this does not give DD any extra money -- it is for us to make life more liveable for dh, gd and I.

DD called today. I did OK, did not absorb her distress - it is clearly coming from her process and has little to do with me. She agreed to suspend her phone - use her food stamps then send her care packages with that savings -  I told her the limit on her weekly commissary amount. I took care of all these things after her call.

She also said the work release is on hold until a bed opens in that dorm - it is across the hall from where she is now. I just couldn't stay 100% out of things though. Left a message with work release deputy about how the program works so I can understand better what DD is telling me. According to the jail website it costs $17 a day to 'stay' in the jail while on work release. A job of 30-50 hours a week is required. If DD can get a job with 30 hours at minimum wage this will barely cover the daily fee. She also has to provide her clothes, launder her clothes, etc... . HMMMM - maybe this is all about economics of inmate paying for their stay instead of jail budget. Maybe work release is the 'next step' after revoking probation - that is also a self-pay system.

I left a message for her lawyer (public defender) that we are not providing any financial support for work release since it does not have any recovery or mental health treatment aspects. It feels like a setup for failure for DD.

What is that definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.

Thursday, I really appreciate the story you shared. I do get the endless cycle of BPD when all their distress is projected on the ones that could most help them get out of the broken patterns. I am continuing to process the reality that DD may be recycled through the jail/homeless/jail/homeless/jail life as so many of her friends. Hard to tolerate this reality sometimes. It is just as likely an outcome as anything else.

So how can I find the best way to be in her life, while not being IN her life?

qcr

[peaceplease]

qcr,

When my dd was moved to the work release side, she was to pay so much a week. However, since she never returned to work was not charged .  She was placed there with the hopes of returning to work.  If I recall, she was only there a little over 2 weeks.   I do remember her being on house arrest was quite costly.  She was able to cover her fees with her income tax refund.

That is great about your equity line! Great to have any burden taken off of you!

peace

[qcarolr]

So how can I find the best way to be in her life, while not being IN her life?

I immerse myself in MY LIFE.

qcr

[co.jo]

Are you joining a choir?