I feel as if life is over again.. not worth living

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi hurthusband

I did not argue, I explained I understood she was upset about alot of things.  I then just avoided her and went to bed in another room.  The next morning, she was depressed over it but apologized saying she overreacted, and it turned out being a pretty good day.

Good job, validating her and not defending! Keep going like this. 

I am sorry to hear about your son. 

Good you can work with your therapist.

[Surnia]

Hi hurthusband

I did not argue, I explained I understood she was upset about alot of things.  I then just avoided her and went to bed in another room.  The next morning, she was depressed over it but apologized saying she overreacted, and it turned out being a pretty good day.

Good job, validating her and not defending! Keep going like this. 

I am sorry to hear about your son. 

Good you can work with your therapist.

[momtara]

Maybe this is a good time to get the son into family therapy.  It may help if it comes to a custody battle or something.  I don't know.  But may help him either way. 

I have read that it's bad to apologize to someone with BPD, then they don't take responsibility.  On the other hand, maybe it's part of validating.  Maybe someone more expert than I am can speak to this.

Hang in there.  Seems like you are being firm and setting boundaries.  She apologized and that's positive too.  So just keep seeing how it goes - don't do anything rash (unlkess you need to!)

[hurthusband]

Maybe this is a good time to get the son into family therapy.  It may help if it comes to a custody battle or something.  I don't know.  But may help him either way. 

I have read that it's bad to apologize to someone with BPD, then they don't take responsibility.  On the other hand, maybe it's part of validating.  Maybe someone more expert than I am can speak to this.

Hang in there.  Seems like you are being firm and setting boundaries.  She apologized and that's positive too.  So just keep seeing how it goes - don't do anything rash (unlkess you need to!)

Yea, what about apologizing?  I mean we could all communicate better, and I find apologizing with usual works with most people when starting to compromise, but does it work with BPD or is it giving an inch so they can take a mile?

Wife in a bad mood today.  Had a decent day yesterday, I been sick, but then she feels I am not attracted to her anymore and do not want her despite what I say.  I mean sounds like its in her head, but I cannot say that without starting a fight. 

Its all so hard.  I really am near the end of my rope, but now with kid hurting himself, its a new dimension I do not know how to handle.  I really feel backed into a corner.

Trying not to show that I am scared or unsure of myself to her.  To stay strong and constant.  To not show fear of her to her nor neediness.  To not be affected by her mood swings, but its really hard.  I honestly am terrified of what is to come.  I feel the adrenaline pumping when she texts and is so negative. 

I can tell she is trying to pick a fight with me.  She making comments about my mother, about insurance, and trying to bait me.  I do not know why... I am scared though

[hurthusband]

I suppose I will never have a relationship with my wife that is one where she is caring and supportive.  She will always be one that is undependable and is downright mean sometimes.  I will just have to suck it up and deal with it which hurts.  I am worried about kids though.  I am not sure what to do with the youngest and his handling of us.

I am not sure if I should leave or what to do at this point.  I want to stay, but its hard.  Kids being messed up from this is also hard. 

[GreenMango]

It's real easy to start hiding normal feelings.  Like being scared for your kids etc.  For fear of the other persons reactions.   Walking on eggshells.

There are ways to communicate your feelings in a safer way not adding to the conflict using SET and validation.   Have you read those staying board techniques? 

Being scared for your son is totally legitimate.  Can you focus on getting things stable for him and getting him into therapy?

[hurthusband]

It's real easy to start hiding normal feelings.  Like being scared for your kids etc.  For fear of the other persons reactions.   Walking on eggshells.

There are ways to communicate your feelings in a safer way not adding to the conflict using SET and validation.   Have you read those staying board techniques? 

Being scared for your son is totally legitimate.  Can you focus on getting things stable for him and getting him into therapy?

It is just the same thing over and over and over again.  My wife finished college, and does not have a job.  I let her remodel our house which was supposed to be just a small bit on the bath for $2500.  Now we are at about $20k and I have no floors in most of my house, and no kitchen counters.  She hates my job because I work alot, but I work two jobs because we need the income.  Most days I am having to argue with her call and harrass me throughout the day and any other job would fire me. 

She keeps saying that she doesnt know what our future holds and that she cannot plan her future or her career as a result.  That she is tired of living in our half finished house (that has us $25k further in debt when last year we had none).  She wants to sell the house now and wants a house that is twice as expensive.  She says our lives are going nowhere.  She does clean houses on the side some.  She does work hard on renovations, but its slow and inefficient, and more keeps getting torn up. 

I get the blame for us being in this situation.  It causes her to constantly yell at me and our child is so scared of us breaking up he cuts himself now.  To me, I do not see what more I can possibly do and that I am doing a good job overall.  I have flaws.  I do not yell back, I do not curse her, I do not even rub her face in the fact we are in this situation because she choose the renovations

I want so badly to make this marriage work.  she told me today that if I think just being calm and going to work and not arguing is going to let things blow over it will not.  That sometimes she doesnt want to be married to me.  I want to save my marriage, I want to be a better person.  I want to prop this family up if I can just on me.  If anyone can offer advice on how I can be better and tell me what I am doing wrong to be better, I want to do it please

I do not feel I can though.  I feel it is over.  She does not see that I sacrificed for her.  That I could have a nice car, a nice home, nicer things.  No debt... I gave those up because I love her.  I put up with so much abuse...

At same time, the child... he is a stepson.  I have no parental rights.  If I leave, its going to hurt him so much.  What do I do?  How can i do that to him?

What can i do?

[momtara]

I didn't realize (or I forgot) that he's not your son.  That's rough.  I feel for people in your situation - it's not just you.

This bothers me:  "she told me today that if I think just being calm and going to work and not arguing is going to let things blow over it will not. " 

So basically, you can't win - if you don't argue, that's a problem.  And if you argue, well... . it just makes things worse.

There was a period in my life when something triggered my (now ex) husband and it was the same way for a 2-week period - every time I opened my mouth, he said I was lying.  And when I said nothing, he accused me of "ignoring" him. 

Did something trigger this latest round?  Maybe stress over the debt?  Deep inside, they feel responsibility and rejigger it in their minds to make you at fault.  She has to yell at you.

The nature of the illness is that she is driving you away, whether she wants to or not.  It is hellish to live in fear of losing your job or your marriage just because you looked at someone the wrong way or said the wrong thing.  In normal situations you should be able to say the wrong thing.  In your case, you say many of the right things and still get blamed.

You could talk to the stepson and say you're always available to him no matter what happens.

Have you let her therapist know what she said to you, and what's going on?  Can you come to one of her sessions?

Hang in there.  You can't really do any more than you're doing.  If it ends up with you splitting up, separating or whatever, you'll know you tried.  And maybe you'll be able to breathe.

[Surnia]

Yes, hurt husband, you are doing a good job.

Her blaming and accusing has nothing to do with you. I know this is easier said than done - its important that you know about your values.

Living with debts is difficult too, for you and your wife. Is there anything you can do to got more control about the expenses? This may a topic to put on Staying - some members there managed the financial issues with success.

[GreenMango]

That is a very difficult situation.  All those things would huge stressor for anyone.

You asked how to be better.  HH i f you are asking if there's a way to make her happy by trying more and doing more i don't think it's about being better.  It sounds like you do a lot as it is and you are in a no win like momtara mentioned.

I'd you want to get some traction in the relationship towards a more functional relationship that is going to take some moves on your part because it sounds like she is making the decisions for the emotional climate of the home.  Things stay the same of nothing changes.

First and foremost is your well being.  Then the well being of others.  Working out a plan can help give a sense of control or a path.

-a support system (therapy, friends, family)

-using the staying board tools (set dear man validation time outs)

-working on boundaries one at at time

-radical acceptance or deciding to leave after you've done the first three helps to allay some of the fears guilt obligation because you know you've tried

HH have you posted on staying for some of the day to day advice for interaction with her?

[hurthusband]

That is a very difficult situation.  All those things would huge stressor for anyone.

You asked how to be better.  HH i f you are asking if there's a way to make her happy by trying more and doing more i don't think it's about being better.  It sounds like you do a lot as it is and you are in a no win like momtara mentioned.

I'd you want to get some traction in the relationship towards a more functional relationship that is going to take some moves on your part because it sounds like she is making the decisions for the emotional climate of the home.  Things stay the same of nothing changes.

First and foremost is your well being.  Then the well being of others.  Working out a plan can help give a sense of control or a path.

-a support system (therapy, friends, family)

-using the staying board tools (set dear man validation time outs)

-working on boundaries one at at time

-radical acceptance or deciding to leave after you've done the first three helps to allay some of the fears guilt obligation because you know you've tried

HH have you posted on staying for some of the day to day advice for interaction with her?

I just do not know where to begin.  Her ring tone even gives me a panic attack.  I sit at work crying, at home crying, my car crying.  I think I am starting to realize that she is completely unreasonable and I do not think she can be helped because she does not accept full responsiblity for her actions and has this crazy idea that the world owes her something.

I am thinking the only way is divorce... . this means the kids lives are crushed.  She is in deep trouble financially, and she will as a result do whatever she can to hurt me.  She will go after my family members which she has stated on doing.  She will try and get me thrown into jail.  she already has said that I hid all her past discretions and abuse so there is no record if i protect myself.

I cannot quite accept life without her or deal with the guilt of the possible repercussions to everyone in my life because I let her in.  At same time, I do not have the heart to fight her back.  I do not want to fight her.  If i could actually have hate for her maybe... some other emotions beyond love, and pity... .

[GreenMango]

It's hard with those competing emotions of love and pity.  There's medium ground too... . when you don't have anything left to give. 

I'm very familiar with the panic attacks - i started getting those towards the end.  They are awful. 

With the depression and the anxiety ... . what you are going thru is very hard.  Have you explicit told your doctor about these because if they don't know how bad it is they to not be able to respond accordingly.  One of the first things of taking care of your well being first (putting on your own oxygen mask then putting on someone else's) is attending to your own emotional health. 

It may be really helpful to talk to them about some medications (short term) to take the edge off so you can make some decisions and the overwhelming feelings aren't like freighttrain barreling down.  There's no shame in getting help.

Whathave they said about all this?

[hurthusband]

It's hard with those competing emotions of love and pity.  There's medium ground too... . when you don't have anything left to give. 

I'm very familiar with the panic attacks - i started getting those towards the end.  They are awful. 

With the depression and the anxiety ... . what you are going thru is very hard.  Have you explicit told your doctor about these because if they don't know how bad it is they to not be able to respond accordingly.  One of the first things of taking care of your well being first (putting on your own oxygen mask then putting on someone else's) is attending to your own emotional health. 

It may be really helpful to talk to them about some medications (short term) to take the edge off so you can make some decisions and the overwhelming feelings aren't like freighttrain barreling down.  There's no shame in getting help.

Whathave they said about all this?

Basically my psychiatrist has tried to help me break away.  I can tell that while he would never suggest it ethically, he thinks it.  So he has concentrated on trying to get me to better handle things.  I have meds for depression, and anxiety... I was given Xanax to help, but it does not work anymore.  2 mg of xanax and i will still be wired.  He explained that it sounds like the adrenaline and fear is just overwhelming even the meds.  I mean once things calm down or if they do, i pretty much pass out.  I can feel the adrenaline pumping in me.  It is a total flight or fight response to fear. 

I have no problem taking more medications.  Ultimately, I am told I have some mental issue with just letting go. 

I should have known to stay way from this... an OCD person with a high drive and sense of morality who has never had a relationship until he met this woman and came from a broken home.  It was the worst situation I could have done for both her and i.  I wouldnt even know where to draw the line to create boundaries.  I never saw a healthy relationship.  I knew that and feared I would be too selfish.  I let he run me over.  She on other hand had only been in relationships since she left home and had no real clue how to live on her own.  How can i expect her to understand the real stresses and costs of keeping a home functioning?

That is all hindsight now though.  Patterns and behaviors are set.  Children are involved...

One thing that does make me nervous is if i do take a sedating med for a panic attack and i do start to get tired, she will get pissed and let into me for not being cognicent for her

It is hard enough to keep control and apply tools when you are completely sober, much less sedated.

I suppose I am begging for a miracle.  For a light to finally come on in her heard where she goes "I am sick and these feelings are not fair.  He is doing the best he can.  I will not always be happy with him, but I do not have to demand something or else unleash hell"

Nevermind me asking for an additional miracle of her being loving, or somebody I can lean on, or get advice from like a normal spouse. 

[hurthusband]

Well... .

   Here we go again... I just feel hopeless.

Friday, might wife starting acting nice and I let her know that what she said earlier really hurt.  She acknowledged her overreacted and we ended up making dinner together then sitting to eat.  she then called her friends to go out and I went out, I was a bit tired and nodded off a bit here and there.  I had been working since 8 am and it was 12:30 am or 1 am... not for sure so I was a bit tired.  Overall even though she was a bit upset with that, it was a nice evening.

Saturday I had taken the day off for our anniversary which is the 26th.  Wanted to spend the day with her.  We  had to go to her aunts which she hadnt been to in about 17 years for her grandmothers bday and was basically mean all the way there cause we were running a little behind (still got there before everyone).  She started yelling at me cause she got a VDay present for my neice and I gave it to my neice.  My sister thanked me but my mom and sister did not contact her about it so she was pissed.  She started in on how horrible they were to the point that my 14 year son started yelling at her to stop it and that she was being mean and hurtful to me.  Honestly, it felt good to know that I wasnt the only person who felt that way.  I asked him to calm down and that regardless she shouldnt talk to his mother that way. 

Everything went okay at party for most part.  She was a bit upset cause my father called needing help with something, but handled it.  Everything was set up for that night were we were supposed to have a nice meal together.  When we got to restaurant she was cold and distant.  She was upset cause she was tired.  I offered to go home or someplace else, but she wanted to stay.  we stayed and meal went well. 

The problems then happened Sunday.  We woke up, and she wanted breakfast.  I skipped church to take her out and we went to this place she wanted to try.  She had a couple of mirmosas, and then started in on how my sister and mother were horrible people again and that her therapist told me i should be quitting work in my family business.  (actually she asked me if it was a possibility to which I said, i would look for another job, but its not that simple to find a $90k a year job that at same time will not require travel at all).  In any case, she started in my family was horrible and that i never defended her nor stood up for her.  That I had no future, and that I should have planned differently.  Never that in order for us to progress in life that she get a job.  I advised her that I am making not great money, but pretty solid money and that no job is certain.  I advised that she could get a job.  She went off and said, i encouraged her to get an art degree that is worthless and that she cannot do anything substantial.  That I ruined her life.  My family ruined her life.  She could have done more with out me.  She knows we cannot work out.  That we need a divorce

I responded, that she is probably right.  That my heart is broken.  On way home, she just kept berating me.  I told her she was killing me.  That she was hurting me with her words.  That I wanted nothing more and that despite what she was saying, I really did try my best.  That I want to do my best.

Did not matter.  I cannot help feeling that I did something wrong.  That she is right.  That I should have been more, that I am not protecting her as I should.  That I could have been a better husband.  That I should have chosen a different career path.  That I could have found a better way to get her better car, and house.  That I am messed up in my head and cannot see things for as they are.

She says that with divorce I am better off and she has nothing now.  Why then would she want divorce? 

Its really hard to deal with this with my OCD.  My OCD is off the charts from this.  That I did something wrong, that I displeased God and he is punishing me by letting me lose my wife and kids.  She says I cannot say anything to the kids.  My son hurt himself last week cause of our problems! 

My entering her life has ruined everything.  She is miserable either cause of me or if its her own head, at least she thinks its cause of me.  The kids lives are ruined cause they losing me to a degree.  My life feels over.  I am going to lose my family, the guilt is killing me, what if there is something wrong with me?  I am going to lose everything I have... She has threatened to hurt everyone around me.  All of them is going to be hurt cause of me...

I do not see any future unless I am completely ruthless and destroy her in court in divorce, but I do not want to.  I love her.  That will not heal my heart.  I just want all emotion and life to stop.  I do not want to feel responsible for everyone's happiness because its impossible to do. 

This is the worst thing I can think happen.  Meeting her ruined my life and my view on life.  Its shattered my faith in people, hurt my faith in God, took my innocence, everything, but if I had to do it again I would cause I love her so much.  she is everything to me... .

I am not emotionally strong enough to deal with this.  I try the tools, but they do not help me long term.  The tools required 24/7.  This is BPD 24/7.  Its being argued with, put down, yelled at, living in fear every single day with her.  Every hour.  I cannot live like this, but without her all i do in think of us.  I am at work now, and I just cant stop looking at a picture of her and the kids.  I let them all down.  If i was just stronger and emotionally more stable to weather the storm as some of you...

[Surnia]

I do not want to feel responsible for everyone's happiness because its impossible to do. 

Key sentence in my eyes. Yes, it is impossible and yet, we often are caught in this pattern.

We fall into it believing it when someone is telling us: Because of you I feel that way. You ruined my life.

And we fall into when we try to do everything for a person to make him or her happy.

And from my own experience I know how exhausting this is, feeling responsible for everyone's happiness! 

[guitarguy09]

We are only built to handle so much. Personally, if I was in your situation, I would be looking for a divorce (kids or no kids). You don't deserve to have that much abuse heaped on you day after day. Sometimes I feel like I'm at the end of the rope in my marriage, but it is only like that about 10% of the time. Yours sounds like more than 50%. I would research ways to let your son know he's loved and ways to make him not want to cut himself. But it sounds like you'll either totally lose it someday or get divorced. You have to make sure to retain your own sanity and if you can't do that while staying in your marriage, it might be time to look at other options.

[an0ught]

as any thread this thread is limited to 4 pages.

I've split out the last message of hurthusband and you can continue to support him in the new thread here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220557.0