I feel as if life is over again.. not worth living

[hurthusband]

I write this this morning having spent 10 minutes last night with a knife to my throat and 15 minutes this morning with a shotgun to my chest, I been at work as my wife was on the phone berating me, of course I never told her about the shot gun.

She was depressed all weekend and despite what I did to take her out and try nice things, she didnt care.  She told me to take back whatever gifts I got her for Valentine's Day and Christmas and Anniversary which is also this month.  She wants none of it.

Sunday she refused to get out of bed.  Which means, did all the work around house such as trash, dishes, cleaning, cooking, spring cleaning kids room, taking care of kids, shopping for necessities, checking in on her needs, disposing of all carpet in the house because she had decided it was no good and cut it all out, etc.  Then of course, she is in bed because I ruined her life.  She is miserable she claims she it is all my fault.  My fault because she hates the house we live in, claims I am cheap, claims I do not know here, claims I will just hit up the holidays again.  I do what I can, I make decent money, roughtly $95k a last year.  I let her try everything her way last year which drove up our debt $25k.  She has no job besides cleaning part time which she hates, and just graduated with a degree in art, but is too scared to use it.  I am guessing all of this plays a role, she blames me for art degree though cause she was english and wanted to do art and i encouraged it...

All the BPD was there and was rough since the beginning.  Then last year at her final art show, my mother did not show up cause of work and a problem with her granddaughter.  That started a massive slide of hatred for my mother, and hatred for me.  Within 6 weeks it seemed divorce was inevitable.  Of course, she then found out she was pregnant.  I wanted to do whatever she felt best, but when pressed on my opinion i did say, it might be best to not have a child when it looked like we were not going to possibly make it and finances were so tight already with 2 kids. The abortion was a nightmare as the doctor went bezerk midway through and verbally assaulted everyone to the point of causing PTSD for my wife who still cannot sleep from ordeal.  I regret it all and always have apologized and insisted even before the operation I would support and love regardless. 

Now she says she hates me and that she doesnt have love nor friendship with me.  I do feel I know more about her than anyone else, but its not enough apparantly.  She says she wants a divorce now after last night telling me to move out, but of course she wants pretty much everything. 

The whole time I kept trying to validate and say I understand how she feels and that its horrible and that I can understand why she would feel that way.  She got mad at that and said the therapy with DBT was making things worse even though doc said better.  She had no interest in anything but saying how horrible she felt and how I was all fine and felt nothing and had no interest in any pain I felt.

Finally this morning i continued to validate, but finally let her know that while I cannot fathom the depth of her pain that I am truly hurting too.  Its then I am just half assing everything, I do not care, I have no clue what real pain is, etc.  When I tell her the abortion was a mistake and I feel horrible, but I did say I was always supportive of not doing it and that I do love her that I was passing the buck.  That I always do then starting in on how her doc says my mom has issues that that I have issues as a result. 

I am not denying I have issues, we all do I think.  I go to therapy and have for 30 years.  My doc says I am doing well.  I am certainly nothing like either of my parents according to everyone

I tried to get more of my self back.  I started going back to church yesterday again which I havent cause my wife thinks religion is a way for smart people to be made dumb.  She of course brought up how could I show up in church after an abortion.  made tons of low blows, brought up things from 7 years ago. 

I honestly do not want to go on.  I want all to end.  I want more than anything to do what is right.  I know I am not perfect, and I know I need improvement.  I worry I am being punished by  God with this because I am not doing all that is right.  She said she regrets us meeting...

She said to get divorce papers today, and make sure it says she gets house, car, $1300 a month in income, all profits from house, etc... She says she is owed that for all she put in and what I did not.  How I screwed her by not having it all in her name too

btw... the house i bought before her, the car is in my name cause we could not get a loan on anything cause her credit is so poor.  She makes maybe $1000 a month off side jobs and is about to have student loans come due.  She made it clear I have no right to the children I raised with her that are 14 and 11 for the past 11 years because neither is biologically mine...  

Even if we stayed together she made it clear she would never go to any events with my family with her kids.  She was so angry after the show with my mother she had me chew her out then she was angry since I also work part time in family business I did not make more and had my chew her out because she brought her granddaughter to graduation.  My mother found out I had a black eye from wife being physical with me and was furious.  At Christmas after my wife made a joking comment with my sister who told my mom, my mom texted her she would not be disrespected in her home and to please act proper.  Wife asked to speak with her in the garage.  Things were heated but civil when my wife said "what goes on between my husband and i is not your business"  which I agree but mom responded "dont you ever lay a hand on my son again".  that nailed the coffin

I cant stop loving my BPD wife.  I do not feel anger nor rage towards her.  I am extremely hurt.  I worry I am to blame in many ways.  I am sure I am.  I do not know how to seperate what is her false reality from what is reality.  I guess I am moving out tonight.  I really do not know where.

I guess I am going to get divorce papers like she wants.  She got upset because last night I put all my combs, toothbrushes etc in my travel bag in preparation. 

[momtara]

First off, we all get so used to doing what they want.  If you don't want to get the papers right now, don't.  You will be doing it just hoping that if you do all the right things, she will change her mind.  Let her get the papers.  or let her calm down.  But don't go file for divorce.  She just wants to be able to forever blame you for that, too.  You do not want that, not one bit.  You are trying to save your family.

This is a cruel illness.  I spent five years doing all the work only to be told I was lazy, a bad mom, etc. (yes women go through it too)... .  Yet I felt I had to prove that I wasn't a bad mom etc.  It is sometimes just pointless to argue with someone who has a mental illness.  Just pointless.  My mom thinks the fbi is out to get her and I get into arguments trying to prove they aren't.  

You KNOW you are a good person, a good husband, a good dad.  It took 2 people to have the abortion.  it is surely a trying experience that can give anyone PTSD.  You may have it from everything that has happened too.  Having a third kid in this situation would have been rough.

Whatever happens, please do not hurt yourself.  Maybe the thought of it gives some relief for a few minutes, but you won't get to come back and see what might happen, and you won't get to protect your kids, and you won't get to love all the things that are to come.

It's fine to love your wife.  Just know she has an illness.  Just know it is not your fault.  If you two DO spilt up, you will have to think about how much you have the kids, how much custody you want, etc.  :)on't give up anything just to be nice, without thinking.  

Please put your gun out of reach of yourself AND your kids AND your wife.  Kids always find guns.  Maybe somewhere far away and safe.

You and your wife are both hurt by this illness.  You are a hero for getting both of you into therapy and trying so hard.  I know how it feels.  It sucks.  I was crying in my office this morning because I love my husband.  But he is cruel in front of the kids.  

Things can't get worse than they just did for you, so they can only get better, right?

I hope someone else can be more helpful.  But please don't hurt yourself.  You are a good, loving person and the world needs more of those.  All you can do is be honest with your wife and express love and do your best, but don't do things you deeply don't want to do - like go file for divorce.  If she wants it, let her do the dirty work.  Maybe she won't do it.

It will just be like with the abortion, where she can blame you if things ever get bad - hey, you're the one who filed?  If you don't want a divorce, DONT file.

[hurthusband]

I want the pain to stop.  I want first and foremost to be a good person.  A good husband, a good father.  If things fail and I gave it my best, I think I can live with that, but I just worry that is not the case in all of this.  I have a hard time believing I couldnt have done better.  Alot of self doubt here.  If we were dating and had seperate places, I would just stay there.  It makes it harder because my wife had torn the crap out of our place so its not even like we can sell and move.  Last January, she said she couldnt stay there anymore.  She said she had to move or if she could fix up the baths a little she could feel better for 5 years... . she said about $2500.  Ended up costing $10k and 3 months and that is after SHE and her friend did the work so that was all supplies!

Another $5k later and she has torn out all the carpet and flooring in the house because she got some grout on it and cause the pet dog she insisted on having and got without telling me (the third such dog, but I like him even though he hates me) has pissed on the carpet in so many areas that it is horribly stained and smells.  The carpet is only 4 years old!  Gone now... living on subflooring

She saw under the sink where some water had made one of the inside boards soft, tore out all the cabinets in the kitch and countertop... and removed some of the 4 year old tile floor to do it.  Cant even sell our house now... stuck here.  not to mention she charged it all on cards so my debt to income is killing us now. 

I want this all to stop.  I want the pain to stop.  I do not want to be selfish and run from it because I hurt.  I want her to stop hurting.  I want the kids to feel good.  It makes me feel horrible to think I leave and she kills herself, or she crashes more since isnt that what all BPD fear? abandonement?

I want her to be happy even if thats with another, but that makes me feel pretty hitty that I invested all my blood sweat and tears for 11 years... i came into this marriage with alot and I am leaving not with just less than when I entered, but literally weighing less because I miss meals in order to make sure bills are paid or too scared to eat cause it will upset her, no friends, no hobbies or anything.  She thinks she sacrificed everything to be with me... . when she entered she had a car payment... . and a bankruptcy.  Now she has a car, a house, she eats gourmet food constantly, she gets a new iphone twice a year... I am wearing the same shoes for 3 years... I havent purchased anything for myself in a year and a half.  I do not even care about any of that if I could just get recognized for some of the good I have done.  IT will never happen.  I will have to live with the guilt and shame of failing.  I will have to either be a real ass and desert her or have to suffer my whole life

[guitarguy09]

From what it sounds like, this relationship is a one way street and you are doing the right thing by getting the divorce papers ready. From all of the suicidal thoughts you have experienced, no matter how much you think you love your wife, clearly she has caused you a great deal of misery. And driving you into debt on top of all that is the icing on the crappy cake.

I have only been married for a few years, and have dealt with some crap from my uBPDw, but nothing like you are describing. For your own health and sanity, please do what you can to protect yourself from harm and get out of your marriage as soon as possible. She is clearly out of control and you need to protect yourself from future financial harm. Please know that you are a valuable person and it sounds like you have done absolutely everything you could to make things work. At a certain point, you just have to accept the fact that no matter what you have done, she will not think it's good enough to turn around her behavior.

[hurthusband]

she claims her therapist says I am part of the problem and she seems to be latching onto alot of that as "i have my problems cause I am like my mother" stuff.  I try not to be like my mother in many ways.  My personality is much different.  Even my wife has said so, but I am concerned that what if I am more of the problem than I realize.  What if I am oblivious to the truth that I am MUCH more at fault than I think?

What if my actions are causing most of this and that others I talk to like my psychiatrist do not see this because I am only giving my version which sounds so much kinder for myself?

How do I even know I am not crazy?

I do not want a medal, I do not care about the past and the horrible things that have happened.  She accuses me of just wanting to move on and do better like its a bad thing.  I do want to move on.  I do want better.  I want us to be equals even though she says I act better than her

It is almost like I want to be told it is my fault and be able to understand it is my fault so that I can then go change things and fix things because I can fix myself to a degree.  I cannot fix her, but things are hopeless.  She is hopeless.  There is nothing I can do left. I used to be the savior to help her and now I am the fault of all her pain.  I cannot seperate and embrace realities because I do not trust myself

[guitarguy09]

It seems like she is majorly projecting her faults onto you. Just the fact that you are so willing to accept the blame and the consequences shows me that she is more likely the one primarily at fault here. That takes maturity to do. What is it about your mother that she doesn't like?

At any rate, it sounds like you guys are both headed for divorce. That may just be the best course of action if you have been this miserable for a while. Are you currently working with an individual therapist? They could really help you sort out these feelings.

[Seneca]

dude,  .

you know what? you cannot save this woman, but you are both drowning here. there is no hope for her, will you give up your life in vain?

[momtara]

Sounds like your kids need you.  Who can you talk to in order to get out of this situation?  You just need a break from her verbal abuse.  She is being abusive to you right now.  As to what you could have done better - none of us know what will happen.  I have horrible guilt over things I have done, and yes at least one is abortion related but I have not talked about it here and can't.  We are not perfect.  You are not perfect.  But you DO HAVE THE CHANCE TO do something great which is NOT kill yourself, instead, live and be (someday) a steady person your kids may be able to rely on when your wife is going nuts.

See if your therapist, a lawyer, or someone else can give you some advice for what to do.  Maybe do go to a quiet place where you can rest for a bit.  Don't do anything rash.

[Wrongturn1]

Momtara has been making some excellent points here. 

Also, if I can briefly address the abortion/attending church question: awhile back, the wife of the associate pastor at our church stood up in front of the congregation and told everyone that she had an abortion several years prior; that it was a mistake and very traumatic for her; and that now she works to help other women avoid making the mistakes that she made.  Everyone there was very supportive of her and completely non-judgmental.  So your wife is wrong about staying away from church.  Church is not a museum for perfect people - it's a place for sinners in the process of being healed.  If people at your church shun you for being involved in an abortion, I'd advise you to find another church b/c there are some good ones out there.

[hurthusband]

Momtara has been making some excellent points here. 

Also, if I can briefly address the abortion/attending church question: awhile back, the wife of the associate pastor at our church stood up in front of the congregation and told everyone that she had an abortion several years prior; that it was a mistake and very traumatic for her; and that now she works to help other women avoid making the mistakes that she made.  Everyone there was very supportive of her and completely non-judgmental.  So your wife is wrong about staying away from church.  Church is not a museum for perfect people - it's a place for sinners in the process of being healed.  If people at your church shun you for being involved in an abortion, I'd advise you to find another church b/c there are some good ones out there.

well she actually hates church long before that.  She did not grow up with anyone taking her to church and has really just the usual misconceptions.  She started getting interested in it when she did AA for a short while, but now even before the abortion she HATES religion.  I mean hates it.  She is total atheist that when you die, you are dirt

She thinks religion is a method that takes smart people and makes them slaves.  It will anger her everytime.

My wife literally called my work 7 times today to remind me how crappy and how much she hates me is.  She got mad at me because it was taking too long to get information on divorce from me.  When I got home tonight

1. she would not let me talk to kids

2. got mad at me for asking where my stuff was as she slept

3. would not let me backup and take with me my accounting software so I could at least manage my business since she said didn't ever want to see me again

4. had the wedding ring and engagement ring both tied up for me which I refused to take. 

5. had another gift for me wrapped and waiting there which scared me...

when I left she came out pissed off cause

a. I didn't take the ring.  She wanted me to take the engagement ring and get her diamond out of it and back to her cause the stone belonged to her father.  I did have her a better ring, but 3 months after I proposed she got drunk, broke into somebody's house, vandalized it and lost the $10k engagement ring

b. I didn't pick up the wrapped gift which was apparently a valentine's day gift.  A book which was cool, but I was not thinking of a gift at a time like this, until the 800 page book was hurled at my head outside

I said thank you and brought in the Valentines day gift for her.  She had asked for this waterproof speaker thing, but I looked around and found out that it was durable but bad sound and found out what was rated the best speaker for her application and got that.  She opened it, threw it to the ground saying it wasn't what she asked for.  I apologized and left, before she chased after me and threw it at me.  I am a bit scared about the flowers that are supposed to be delivered Friday... . and I should probably not mention our dinner reservations.

Anyways, she wouldn't let me go to a friends to stay and she told me if my mother finds out any of this (my only relative in town) she would do some even more horrible things.  So right now I am sitting at an office I sometimes work at with no heat, crying some, not sure what to do because I have nowhere to go.  Last thing she said was how selfish I am. 

I did make the mistake of two things.

a. when she kicked me out and talked how I ruined her life and that I couldn't talk to kids.  I said "for the first time, I am quite angry at you" apparently she said that was the meanest thing I ever said to her and she started crying

b. later now after she told me I wasn't a man, how she wished she never met me, how she thinks my parents are frauds and slumlords and that I am hitty and my job is crap and that she doesn't care if I lose my job from her calling so much... . I did slip and said "go hit yourself".  immediately I said I am sorry, but too late.  apparently she said that killed us for good

I do not want to play myself as a saint here.  I really do want to be honest.  I totally walked into her rage.  I tried really hard to be understanding, empathetic, validating, not say anything, and tried to walk away (She would call on work line then), but ther ewas nothing I could do.

I am just in a cycle of self doubt and trying to get support for myself so that I can believe I am not at fault, but I cannot.  I keep feeling I could have done something better or different.  That I did ruin her life as she says

[LifeIsBeautiful]

Hang in there, if not for yourself for your kids. I went through that process, death is not a solution. As hard as things are need to face it and looking back things have a way of straightening out somehow.

[GreenMango]

Hurthusband

Maybe lets slow down a bit.  Sometimes these situations spiral.

you mentioned seeing a therapist have you shared these feelings with them?  You wouldnt be the first person to come here horribly depressed and feel that drowning feeling.  Talking to the doctor and possibly looking at some meds to take the edge off is something to discuss.

Can you call the doctor and let us know what he/she says?

you cant deal with your wife, the kids and financial stress if you arent taking care of yourself.  You first... . then all the other stuff later.

[justaboutdone]

I am praying for you. There is some very good advice in this thread.  I am in your very same boat and hope to be out soon.  I keep thinking that one day I am gonna look back on this period in my life and say, God, I do not know how I survived that hell but I did and thank goodness I did survive.  Life is gonna be easy in comparison to these last ten years and I will be able to wake up everyday and appreciate everyday that I will have peace in my life.  I will not take my life for granted anymore after this is over.

[Surnia]

Hi Hurthusband

So many good things said here.

You and your safety first. I agree with GreenMango about seeing your T and tell him how are you feeling right now would be a great first step you can do for you.

Nobody of us is perfect, we all had conflicts were in hindsight we could do some things better... . this means not being 100% responsible for a shattered marriage. And it means not someone can blame us endlessly for everything - this is ongoing verbal abusive behavior.

Yes, Hurthusband, you first.

Sending you strength!

[hurthusband]

Yes, I talked with my psychiatrist on all of this.  He does keep trying to talk me down and if I am not going to leave how to not take her pain as being my fault.  I think to a degree he is confused why I stay even.

In any case, last night I left.  I was not allowed to talk to kids even though they called me.  I do not want to argue with that and get them in the middle of it all.

She did not want me *imposing* on anyone even though a person I work with I would consider a friend who I helped and owes me $1k offered to let me stay in his spare bedroom.  She certainly does not want my mother to know any of this.  So, I slept on the floor of the office last night.  Going to get a shower at the gym I suppose.  She is angry and saying I am not a man and I will never be allowed back in the house unless I *man up* and get a hotel like a real man.  Is that normal?  I mean, I would prefer staying in a hotel, but considering money is a factor in all of this and the debt that has be racked up, I would think plenty of people would stay at a friend or family members rather than just a hotel

Am I crazy in thinking that?  Should I just charge up a hotel room?  I mean I can get a fleabag motel I suppose, but when I could stay at a friends which would be safer even why not do that?  I will stay at the office and shower at gym if she doesnt want that, but should I be staying at a motel?

[elemental]

Hurthusband,  while you have a therapist, I am wondering if you have also made contact with  your local domestic violence counselors?

Men do get just as abused as women and it is just as destructive on their self esteem,  physically, their spirit.

The domestic abuse counselors have really practical actions you can take. They listen, advise, direct you to local resources and other people who have experienced these things too. You sound so lonely and hopeless, maybe direct support and some companionship would really benefit and strengthen you.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My boyfriend was horribly abused by his ex and her family. He has not healed from it in a lot of ways yet.

It's really important to fight for yourself right now. You have a very valuable life you deserve to be living, and immense contributions that your children and your own self deserve.  

[elemental]

ok, your wife is being a donkey's behind. There. I said it.

Who cares what she wants or thinks. You? Why should you? Think about this, she drove you out of your home with her abusive, bullying, controlling behavior. And now she is trying to maintain that abuse and control from a distance and I ask you, friend, to examine your thoughts about why you should allow her to do this to you.

You have friends! You have a mom who apparantly would not like what is being done to you. YOU ARE VALUED and WANTED by friends and loved ones.

A real man gets a hotel room? My boyfriend was driven out of his home and slept weeks at his office on the floor. Then he went home to his family. His mom.

Talk to your friends and your mom. Let them know you need support. They care for you. One mean, hateful person does not get to define your reality. One person in a world of over 7 billion? ONE PERSON?

If one person is going to define your reality, then let that person be you.

[hurthusband]

Hurthusband,  while you have a therapist, I am wondering if you have also made contact with  your local domestic violence counselors?

Men do get just as abused as women and it is just as destructive on their self esteem,  physically, their spirit.

The domestic abuse counselors have really practical actions you can take. They listen, advise, direct you to local resources and other people who have experienced these things too. You sound so lonely and hopeless, maybe direct support and some companionship would really benefit and strengthen you.

I am so sorry this is happening to you. My boyfriend was horribly abused by his ex and her family. He has not healed from it in a lot of ways yet.

It's really important to fight for yourself right now. You have a very valuable life you deserve to be living, and immense contributions that your children and your own self deserve.  

I just do not know if it is warranted abuse.  I mean no abuse is warranted, but do you get mad at somebody with cancer when they throw up on you from chemo?  I know its not exactly that, but I do not know.

The physical stuff she has only done 3 times and she even says before an argument she is not going to get physical and I can tell she is trying to contain her emotions from even getting too upset.

I am just trying to make it through a day at work now.  I still am worried about her.  I feel horrible for her.  I want to keep calm and cool and sometimes I do, sometimes I raise voice which is not good.  I cry in front of her which isnt good. 

I do not know where to go from here.  I do not think I have the strength to move in any direction at this point.  I do not want to divorce her and destroy her more.  Ultimately, who has it worse?  I am being abused but once the abuse stops I can recover and feel better.  She is stuck with what is almost like being possessed

I just do not trust myself anymore... I would rather hurt and be a good person than be a selfish person and be happy

[justaboutdone]

Only one reason she wants you to get a hotel room... . if you stay at a friends then she thinks you will tell that person about all her bad behavior.  

[hurthusband]

Only one reason she wants you to get a hotel room... . if you stay at a friends then she thinks you will tell that person about all her bad behavior.  

yea, i am sure that is the case, but she also gets VERY angry if I say I am staying at my office.  She says its not fair to use the resources of the office.  Plus I think she thinks it is not safe because it is not in the best area.  Threatening to call my step father who happens to own the building.

I will admit I HATE staying at the office.  its 26 degrees out and the office during night has heat off so it is usually around 50 degrees in it.  I can bundle up and go into this one room which holds more heat I suppose though

[maxen]

She did not want me *imposing* on anyone even though a person I work with I would consider a friend who I helped and owes me $1k offered to let me stay in his spare bedroom.  She certainly does not want my mother to know any of this.

hi hh. you have a wonderful friend to make such an offer. when my marriage blew up last june, two friends of mine, a couple, gave me their spare bedroom and i lived in it on and off for maybe a month during the summer. not only did i have a place to retreat to but i discovered what wonderful people they were and the friendship was cemented in a way i could never have imagined. and they fed me, and it was free! please consider taking him up on the offer. it helps you now and it could help by establishing a deeper friendship which could be invaluable in the coming months.

and i'm not surprised that she doesn't want your mother to know. when i wrote - briefly, an email of a few sentences - to my w's parents and brother and our mutual friends about what had happened she was livid. she also cut all my family off facebook. it's a BPD characteristic. as is this:

apparently she said that killed us for good

she can do/say anything she wants, but you have no right to react. i had the identical dynamic.

you're in turmoil and with good reason. it's really important to reach out to the people you've got - family, friends, this board, your P. have you talked to a lawyer? it's an empowering feeling to hear what your legal rights are, and it could save you grief too.

let me re-state some things:

The physical stuff she has only done 3 times

so she's been physically abusive three times. otoh,

sometimes I raise voice which is not good.

you worry about raising your voice. no it's not good. how does it compare to physical violence?

I feel horrible for her.

i feel horrible for you!

Ultimately, who has it worse?

right now, you do. ultimately she has to see her patterns and get professional help. you can't do anything about that, she owns the responsibility

i say these things and i (we, the w and i) don't have children, and that makes a world of difference i know. but you're not the one putting them in the middle. it's said many times on the legal board that children will see how a parent deals with being mistreated and that will be a life lesson. you have to keep that in mind too.

[hurthusband]

IF it would make her happy to have a divorce that is fine with me.  I really do not care so much what my rights are.  Everything is in my name because when we met her credit was shot and since we been together she has only made it worse, unless I knew about it and paid it off like the cars.  She does not seem to understand financial responsibility and claims I am cheap, although early on when I had money I made sure and spent a ton on her before she then had access and drained me.  We still eat better at nice restaurants than anyone we know just about every night cause she does not cook and when I get home we need to feed kids.

As far as divorce,

1. she hates the house.  if she wants it she can live in it, if she doesnt I will.  If she wants to sell it, we can fix the damage to it and sell it.  She can have all the profit, I do not care

2. neither kid is mine biologically, but one has no parent that pays child support.  I will pay child support at the standard rate no problem. 

3. the car is nearly paid off of course she hates it cause its a 2008 and has 110k miles (she drives about 25k a year).  She can have it.  My vehicle is 10 years old with more miles, I dont care

4. she can have everything in the house.  nothing is mine anyways.

5. all the debt is now in my name so I will take it all

I mean I think that is a pretty solid deal.  A better deal than a lawyer could even get her.  Of course, she will probably not take it.  She has no real job.  She has a college degree but she refuses to use it because she hates the thought of failure or of teaching.  Between child support, her side job work, and she could probably get disability she could bring in $4k a month I bet, not to mention qualify for free healthcare and other assistance.  Certainly not the life she is used to, but many have done worse

Everything she says is a result of my decisions.  I do not want to be held responsible for anymore...

[elemental]

When someone has cancer and is going to throw up or is likely to throw up,  then stepping out of range of the likely area of spatter pattern is a wise thing to be doing.

You have empathy for her. And that is ok. You also, first, need to take care of yourself prudently right now because you are in crisis. At best, caretakers get depleted and need to add self care to the situation. It is self care to sleep, eat, take time to refresh your mind and emotions.

In practical terms, does it matter who is at fault?  In practical application, even if some of it IS your fault, doesn't it help you to be in a position to reasonably be address the problems with a rested and clear mind? With your physical self recovered to a sensible degree?

I am not saying ditch the situation. I am say take a BIG step back, avail yourself of support from the people who care for you. Self punishment, debilitation guilt and anxiety, your mind spiraling down... does it help? First, stabilize yourself. Step back, take care of your needs right now. Maybe it feels wrong because you have been so bullied down and cornered. This is FOG. Once you take some steps to move out of this, you will feel stronger, be able to see clearer.

Really, it's ok to do this. 

[hurthusband]

Yea, I suppose I need to.  I just am beat.  I am tired.  At any moment she might call.  She is probably in bed now crying or sleeping.  I feel horrible about it.

Valentine's Day is friday, anniversary is the 26th of this month.  Just more depressing things.  Work... so much work to do in so many ways.  I dont know what to do.  I dont want to do anything.  I want to just sleep for a bit. 

[elemental]

Sleep. Rest. It's a human right. It's ok to take care of yourself. 

[hurthusband]

Sleep. Rest. It's a human right. It's ok to take care of yourself. 

Yea, just gotta deal with work... 10 hour minimum work days...

[hurthusband]

Now she is mad i did not text her to check on her this morning after last night she reamed me for contacting her.  I do not know what is going on

she now berating me saying im selfish and her life is ruined cause of me and things would be easier if she was dead...

I am getting beaten up here.  I do not think she is suicidal, but trying to hurt me.  I am telling her thats not true and asking why she thinks im selfish

[hurthusband]

I lost it and when she called all upset over child being sick and not having insurance which I told her I needed her income information to qualify correctly for affordable healthcare act, she wouldnt get it to me. I been asking for 6 weeks.  She flew off the handle and blamed me for everything.  I am doing all the taxes, paying all the bills, making 90% of income, handling all the insurance, working 60 hours a week, handling all the vehicles and so forth.  I handle all the trash, the dishes, she does most of the laundry and cleaning i will say.  I handle the food 95% of time. 

Demanding even more in a divorce... literally EVERYTHING we have and me to pay the mortgage indefinitely for the house that is in my name for her to live in.  I finally had it and told her she needs to stand on her own two feet and accept responsiblity for her actions and her life.  She cannot just bleed me to death. 


she got angry and said she would bring up something i did which was against the law in order to help us both out while back.  I am ashamed of it, but it happened.  She has me over a barrel.  Even though I paid off people whose house she broke in and vandalized (they didnt know it was her but i volunteered to pay cause it was right), and several other shameful things in her drug days she did.  She said I have no proof of her physical abuse cause I never filed a report so nobody will ever know about her kicking me, hitting me, hitting me with objects or anything else.

[heartandwhole]

hurthusband,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, this is really, really tough.    Have you thought about engaging a lawyer, even if just to get some advice about what the next steps should be to protect you and your kids?

Good for you that you took your power back today. You can do this, hurthusband, little by little.

How are you feeling today?  Where did you sleep last night?

Hang in there.  We're here for you. 

[hurthusband]

hurthusband,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, this is really, really tough.    Have you thought about engaging a lawyer, even if just to get some advice about what the next steps should be to protect you and your kids?

Good for you that you took your power back today. You can do this, hurthusband, little by little.

How are you feeling today?  Where did you sleep last night?

Hang in there.  We're here for you. 

feeling worse today than yesterday. slept on the floor of an office with a binder as a pillow.  Even if I get a lawyer and go after her, it still hurts her and I have no real right to kids cause they are not biologically nor adopted by me.  They have dads.  She is not abusive to them.  Plus she said she will do everything she can to make me miserable by trying to get me sent to jail or people I care about in jail for things I have talked to her about over the years on people I know.

She is out to destroy lives if I do not play by her rules and she could do it.  I trusted her... . she using that against me.  I let her put me into positions I could not get out of... . it was either do things I did not want to or leave her be, and I stayed.  Now I am going to pay for that from her.

I do not care so much what happens to me, I just do not want her hurting others I care about to hurt me