Fiasco with the Costco Hotdog Deal today

[Depression = 72% of members]

She had been complaining we never have lunch anymore on Thursdays, since her T is right in the next office park (and she still likes her).  Schedules weren't working out, previously, but today I made the effort.  I was a few minutes late, but we met.  She had found some nice spring dresses for our daughter, and we needed the usual: blocks of cheese, case of soda for her, etc.  Not too much actually. 

So we sit down to our hotdog deals (Am seriously broke, $3.00 + tax is a splurge for our budget.  I usually brown bag it every day.  Peanut butter and jelly).


We talk about a few things about the kids, then she derails.

She starts in why we never have any time to talk, how she was forced into meeting a community professional tomorrow at 10 30 ,  who could possibly help her find some work out of the house.  That: ":)on't I (meaning me) know I made it so she will never work again... Don't I know that it takes her a minimum of an hour to get ready, and with traffic it is gonna be at least an hour roundtrip and who is picking the kids up from school ,and how she needs her Mondays and Fridays free to herself for the ever important laundry and perpetual house cleaning/unpacking. Don't I know that we need the house repainted and it could take years.  Don't I know her doctor says she should never work again.  Maybe in a year.  Don't I know that having my T appointment tonite at 6 pm is too disruptive to the family's schedule.

She then carried it out to the parking lot.

In public.  Ranting.

So I loaded her car, and then walked away.

Of course she called within minutes.

Of course she texted this afternoon.

She doesn't give a damn about my feelings. 

I have a huge meeting tomorrow with one boss who is leaving and one who is taking over, about my job.  Someone has to bring in some income.  I gotta make my middle-aged self valuable to the company. 

I don't know what to think at times like this.  I just don't know what to do .

[gary seven]

She had been complaining we never have lunch anymore on Thursdays, since her T is right in the next office park (and she still likes her).  Schedules weren't working out, previously, but today I made the effort.  I was a few minutes late, but we met.  She had found some nice spring dresses for our daughter, and we needed the usual: blocks of cheese, case of soda for her, etc.  Not too much actually. 

So we sit down to our hotdog deals (Am seriously broke, $3.00 + tax is a splurge for our budget.  I usually brown bag it every day.  Peanut butter and jelly).


We talk about a few things about the kids, then she derails.

She starts in why we never have any time to talk, how she was forced into meeting a community professional tomorrow at 10 30 ,  who could possibly help her find some work out of the house.  That: ":)on't I (meaning me) know I made it so she will never work again... Don't I know that it takes her a minimum of an hour to get ready, and with traffic it is gonna be at least an hour roundtrip and who is picking the kids up from school ,and how she needs her Mondays and Fridays free to herself for the ever important laundry and perpetual house cleaning/unpacking. Don't I know that we need the house repainted and it could take years.  Don't I know her doctor says she should never work again.  Maybe in a year.  Don't I know that having my T appointment tonite at 6 pm is too disruptive to the family's schedule.

She then carried it out to the parking lot.

In public.  Ranting.

So I loaded her car, and then walked away.

Of course she called within minutes.

Of course she texted this afternoon.

She doesn't give a damn about my feelings. 

I have a huge meeting tomorrow with one boss who is leaving and one who is taking over, about my job.  Someone has to bring in some income.  I gotta make my middle-aged self valuable to the company. 

I don't know what to think at times like this.  I just don't know what to do .

[Lucky Jim]

I hear you, gary seven.  All valid points.  Problem is, those w/BPD lack the ability to behave in a reasonable and rational manner.  Their emotions totally overwhelm their reason, so it doesn't matter if you are the most skillful advocate in the world, your points will still be lost on them.  You are in a tight spot, but perhaps you can impose certain boundaries such as no texts, calls or emails until you get past the crisis at work.  If she can't abide by this rule, you might have to turn your phone off until she gets the message.  Hang in there, LJ

[GreenMango]

Gary these kind of stresses can really affect a person.  I know you mentioned she a therapist (not sure how committed she is).  Do you have your own (not a couples counselor)?

[gary seven]

Gary these kind of stresses can really affect a person.  I know you mentioned she a therapist (not sure how committed she is).  Do you have your own (not a couples counselor)?

Green:

Yeah she is on therapist n+1, and psychiatrist n+1. My 2 boys have a steady therapist.  My youngest has a psychiatrist as well. 

We had the best couples therapist "money could buy," in my town.  By that I mean it was $400 an hour.  We went weekly for an hour and a half from August to December.

THen I called it quits since after her Thanksgiving Melt down.  And for the following : 1.  The uncontrolled expense is killing me.  2.  Her not doing any of the homework,  or exercises assigned .  Her refusal to  comply with any of the safety valve measures, "time out" that either could call and give one person a 30 minute respite.

I had a T last year, and was privately paying that since he did not take insurance.  He was a good guy.  This year I have too much debt that I couldn't afford him.

So at work I called EAP.  The first was not a fit and I have someone who seems better, but I only get a total of eight sessions for free and then I have to figure out where to go. I like this new guy.

My PCP has me on antianxiety meds, and I sometimes talk to him as well.  I have three other friends I try and talk to once  a week.

She has already set tonite's topic:" You need to be home because you have clutter blindness"

I might start off tonight with a glass of wine before I have to listen to the tirades.

I don't think her n+1's are helping her.  But then again, she "tells me that that is what the therapists are saying to her to do."

My agenda for next week is to call my kids' therapists personally since I can't leave work to be at their appointments for like a 5  minute summation of their perceptions.

[GreenMango]

It's good you like your new therapist.  Hopefully something can come out of that that is workable.

try not take her read on what the therapist says at face value.  Many times what is really said gets lost in translation.  No qualified and responsible therapist would intentionally give advice to instigate conflict at home.

You are in a sticky spot staying for the time while getting your ducks in a row to leave.  It sounds like you have to willfully detach and practice the staying boards to keep the extreme conflict down.

If i can ask how when you joined here did you know you were leaving or did you start on the staying board and working with some of those techniques?

[gary seven]

It sounds like you have to willfully detach and practice the staying boards to keep the extreme conflict down.

If i can ask how when you joined here did you know you were leaving or did you start on the staying board and working with some of those techniques?

GM:

Sorry for the long delay in response, but the weekends get sucked up in her needing me beyond what I can control.

I will peer at the staying boards to gather more insight; hadn't looked at that, thanks.

to answer your question, when she was first institutionalized last summer (the first place she was thrown out after two weeks of q 4 week program; the second place she didn't last 4 days of a 4 weeks program), I went to a local NAMI meeting for families.  I never have done anything like that before.  They were nice people and tried to help, but the most of them were dealing with their children with issues; I was the only one dealing with  a spouse and trying to protect my children.  I was panicked.

When my wife landed in our hometown I made her move to a hotel as she did an intensive outpatient dbt class.  She wanted me to go to the family part, but I was so angry I thought it would be useless and I resented her and her illness for what I feel is ruining my kids: to heck with me, I don't care about myself but I think my kids deserve a chance at normalcy.

I eventually enrolled in the family section at her place, and lasted about 6 weeks.  She became restive and gained weight" because of those doctors and those pills," so we had to quit. 

I don't get very much free time to myself other than work and sleep, and I try to look at articles here on the website.    I just signed up for family connections by teleconference from the NEABPD website , and will await their invitation.

I get some of the stuff, and I try to use some techniques, but she is faster and craftier and meaner than me.  It's so darn exhausting either way I look at it.

[GreenMango]

No problem Gary.  It sounds like you have you a lot going on.

As I was reading your post about her history and your involvement with NAMI it sounds like you started with some BPD specific support.   There are a lot of parents looking for help with the extreme behaviors.  It is a little different when it comes to a spouse.  The techniques they deal with are similar it may be finding a group that has more spouses.

As strange as this may sound the fact that your wife has been institutionalized and been exposed to dbt (though it hasn't gotten traction) may be a good thing.  Many members have spouses that are resistant to any therapy... . Not even talking about it.

The resentment you feel is pretty common at this stage especially when dealing with the effects on the kids.  What I noticed when reading staying board poster is this can lessen once you start to work with boundaries (in a healthy way for you and the kids) and trying out SET communication because it allows you to voice what you need to and allows the other person to be heard.  It also allows you to step away from being pressured to fix her problems to more of a supportive role slowly so she may take the helm on fixing her problems. 

I'm mentioning this because living in high conflict situation is miserable for everyone.  It has real impacts on the kids too.  Trying out the deescalation tools may give you enough of breathing room to see if there is going to be improvement on her end.

The thing with the staying board tools in the lessons is they cover new communication techniques, boundaries and timeouts to help partners get their own traction in a chaotic situation.  Learning about the basic common behavior exhibited by people with BPD can help to not feel caught off guard or that she's as tricky and mean.  The tools definitely can help with the parenting aspect - the thing you are most concerned with.

I'd suggest reposting on the staying board the history you wrote above and mentioned a situation yiu are dealing with right now.  Much of this can be really overwhelming where you may find yourself trying to tackle everything at once.  It may help to address it one at a time.

All those techniques are in the staying board lessons pinned in the front of the regular threads.