Annulment from pwPD

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I was married for 27yrs, filed almost two years ago, hopefully final divorce in next few months.  This board is on ourselves but I need to explain x2bh to seek advice. Npd/BPDh was abusive in everyway. As I read about what is abuse vs PD, yes he knowingly did things vs not under his control because of a excuse of a PD.   We were married civilly, he was Catholic ,I non Catholic.  Few years later, he wanted "blessed" by a Catholic priest. I did not want a remarriage or new marriage in/from the Catholic church.   We exchanged vows which confused me as he insisted to me before the ceremony that it was a blessing only. Afterwards, x2bh said we exchanged vows because his parents didn't get to hear them the first time. H said our years married was from the first marriage.     I never saw the marriage certificate.    I recently called the diocese inquiring about it. Yes there is a marriage certificate from the Catholic church. 

H insisted our children be raised Catholic, I agreed yet he never followed his own religion after this.

For my own healing , after the civil divorce is completed, I want an annulment. I am not remarrying as I am not even dating anyone.      I am reading about this process on the internet and have read some of he forms to fill out. (I cannot find online the ones for my state).  I would have to write in detail as to when the marriage problems started (how can I pinpoint the water heating up slowly), was their counseling, (no because all h would say he did nothing wrong and I am to blame and I believed him) etc.    There are no exact answers.  I think h will see them to get  to respond to them.

I have not spoken to a priest yet or gone to the church office . (everyone knows his family at the church) I am intimidated by this whole process but want it.

I am  looking for experiences, insight, advice, anything appreciated.

[whirlpoollife]

I was married for 27yrs, filed almost two years ago, hopefully final divorce in next few months.  This board is on ourselves but I need to explain x2bh to seek advice. Npd/BPDh was abusive in everyway. As I read about what is abuse vs PD, yes he knowingly did things vs not under his control because of a excuse of a PD.   We were married civilly, he was Catholic ,I non Catholic.  Few years later, he wanted "blessed" by a Catholic priest. I did not want a remarriage or new marriage in/from the Catholic church.   We exchanged vows which confused me as he insisted to me before the ceremony that it was a blessing only. Afterwards, x2bh said we exchanged vows because his parents didn't get to hear them the first time. H said our years married was from the first marriage.     I never saw the marriage certificate.    I recently called the diocese inquiring about it. Yes there is a marriage certificate from the Catholic church. 

H insisted our children be raised Catholic, I agreed yet he never followed his own religion after this.

For my own healing , after the civil divorce is completed, I want an annulment. I am not remarrying as I am not even dating anyone.      I am reading about this process on the internet and have read some of he forms to fill out. (I cannot find online the ones for my state).  I would have to write in detail as to when the marriage problems started (how can I pinpoint the water heating up slowly), was their counseling, (no because all h would say he did nothing wrong and I am to blame and I believed him) etc.    There are no exact answers.  I think h will see them to get  to respond to them.

I have not spoken to a priest yet or gone to the church office . (everyone knows his family at the church) I am intimidated by this whole process but want it.

I am  looking for experiences, insight, advice, anything appreciated.

[maxen]

hi whirlpoollofe. my wife isn't RCC, I am, and will be seeking an annulment after my divorce is complete. i know something about it, but not everything, so please don't take what i'm saying as gospel (so to speak).

Npd/BPDh was abusive in everyway. As I read about what is abuse vs PD, yes he knowingly did things vs not under his control because of a excuse of a PD.

emotional incapacity is a reason for an annulment. but how "emotional incapacity" is interpreted by the marriage court i don't know. it may vary a bit from diocese to diocese.

We were married civilly, he was Catholic ,I non Catholic.  Few years later, he wanted "blessed" by a Catholic priest. I did not want a remarriage or new marriage in/from the Catholic church.   We exchanged vows which confused me as he insisted to me before the ceremony that it was a blessing only. Afterwards, x2bh said we exchanged vows because his parents didn't get to hear them the first time. H said our years married was from the first marriage. I never saw the marriage certificate.    I recently called the diocese inquiring about it. Yes there is a marriage certificate from the Catholic church. H insisted our children be raised Catholic, I agreed yet he never followed his own religion after this.

i'm confused here. if you're not catholic and you didn't convert, then your husband had to get a dispensation to marry you. this is a process which requires the two of you to take counseling from a priest, during which you will both be told (amongst other things) that you will be expected to raise the children as catholic, which may or may not happen. do you remember having such a meeting with a priest? then there will be a wedding ceremony as part of a mass. there is no such thing as a "blessing" by a priest, except in the mass. if i read this correctly, your husband may have deceived you about what was happening and that would certainly be something to bring to the attention of the marriage court.

For my own healing , after the civil divorce is completed, I want an annulment.

while i certainly sympathise with your feelings, if you're not catholic, you wouldn't need  one and can't get one. the practical effect of an annulment is to allow the catholic to marry again in the RCC. are you in the states? some states have not just divorce but civil annulment (texas is one). you might look into that.

I am reading about this process on the internet and have read some of he forms to fill out. (I cannot find online the ones for my state).

 they don't go by state, they go by diocese (or archdiocese).

I have not spoken to a priest yet or gone to the church office.

please do! they're the ones who know.

[whirlpoollife]

Thanks maxen. Prior to the  nondenominational wedding, H 's family wanted us to have the classes. I was OK with that but h did not want to have the classes so we didn't. Prior to the Catholic ceremony, I talked to the priest briefly in his office, h present. Only question to me was will the children be raised Catholic. I said yes. That was it. H did all the talking otherwise. h had created self doubt in me and it was long ago but certain things stick out because something wasn't quite right with it. 

As for a mass I don't remember that. Maybe it was a weekday mass. I don't know.

I did not know that if I am not Catholic that I don't need an annulment.  It doesn't seem right  being married by a Catholic priest and agreeing to raise the kids Catholic but I don't need to get an annulment  to fully divorce a Catholic. So when I sign the divorce papers in the L's office I am fully divorced?

When I gain the courage ( it's hard for me to talk to anyone new other than small talk) I will to talk to the priest anyhow. Would it be better to wait till after the divorce or after Easter or does the timing  matter ?

My in laws always made me feel uncomfortable, I was such an outsider. Haven't been in a Catholic church for many many years.  Last Christmas eve I was by myself. I went to midnight mass. No h, no in laws glaring at me, it was beautiful, such a different feeling.

[maxen]

Prior to the Catholic ceremony, I talked to the priest briefly in his office, h present. Only question to me was will the children be raised Catholic. I said yes. That was it. H did all the talking otherwise.

that actually sounds like the dispensation conference. a short one maybe, but that's what i was referring to.

I did not know that if I am not Catholic that I don't need an annulment.  It doesn't seem right  being married by a Catholic priest and agreeing to raise the kids Catholic but I don't need to get an annulment  to fully divorce a Catholic. So when I sign the divorce papers in the L's office I am fully divorced?

yes, i think you are. but do speak with a canonist (a priest who is trained in church law).

Would it be better to wait till after the divorce or after Easter or does the timing  matter ?

one year must pass after the divorce before the annulment can commence. however, there is no reason to wait to talk to a priest.

Last Christmas eve I was by myself. I went to midnight mass. No h, no in laws glaring at me, it was beautiful, such a different feeling.

yes i was alone there too last year - i mean, without my w. i was with a cousin and her husband. a lovely service.