Arguments and delayed decision making regarding children

[daylily]

My son with my uBPDh has been showing some signs of Asperger's (now called autism spectrum disorder).  My son is very high functioning, but emotionally sensitive with impaired social and motor skills.  His pediatrician has referred us out for testing.  Both me and uBPDh are concerned about the effects of a diagnosis on our son - at school, in life, forever.  We obviously don't intend to share the diagnosis with him until he's older and ready to understand it, but if he's diagnosed, he will be participating in various therapies and perhaps programs at school.  We are concerned about avoiding any "stigma" that may fall upon our son as a result of a diagnosis.

This has caused my H to not only go into intense dysregulation, but also extreme confusion and inability to make decisions about how to proceed with the diagnostic process.  Although I thought (and continue to think) that we are generally on the same page with this, we are constantly fighting, and I'm not sure over what.  I've always struggled with making decisions with my H over financial issues, vacations, etc., as (1) he cannot make decisions and will ponder them for months without doing anything; and (2) I end up making the decisions and then he blames me for them if there is any adverse result.

On this issue more than any other, we really need to make decisions together.  But I am getting more frustrated than usual because I feel like the lack of decision making and fighting may be preventing my son from getting the help he needs.  H is totally consumed by avoiding stigma to my son, and cannot seem to get past that.  I am cognizant of the stigma issue, but don't want it to prevent my son from getting help.  I feel powerless because I need to come to decisions with H, and so far, he doesn't seem to be capable.  I'm so troubled by all of this, and I feel like we need to come up with a plan so that at least the process doesn't seem so out of control and daunting.

And, of course, as Asperger's can run in families, H is accusing me of having it and using that as the explanation for my "lack of empathy" for his emotional turmoil.     (This may or may not be true; I do show some of the symptoms, but I have always thought that my lack of empathy was a defense mechanism due to his bad treatment of me because I'm empathetic toward others, just not H.)

Any thoughts on how to discuss our son without it turning into WWIII and actually coming to some consensus?  Do I really need to wait H out (possibly indefinitely)?

  Daylily 

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[Grey Kitty]

I see two paths you can take... . and until you choose, you won't do either one very well.

1. Put your son first. Schedule the tests ASAP. Let your H blow up. Let him blame you. You have the tools to cope with it.

In this case, your goal is to move forward causing as little distress with your H as possible. S.E.T. would be my recommendation

2. Put your r/s with your H first, and work on finding consensus. Be willing to give something up in this process. DEARMAN is the tool for this.

Aside: Your "lack of empathy" could also be projection, blaming, or gaslighting on your H's part 

Which path is right for you and your son?

[hergestridge]

Delayed decision making... . I'm guilty of that for sure. So perhaps I can suggest some possible mechanisms behind that (not sure if any of them are applicable for your SO, but anyway... . );

My (BPD)wife wants to plan things early. However, she doesn't come up with suggestions. The only suggestion she comes up with is planning it itself (as a sort of acticity). Which will consist of me suggesting things and her rejecting my suggestions. If we plan late, she is more likely to accept my suggestions and not question them.

Another frustrating aspect of early planning with my wife is that it leaves her room to change her mind. Several times. And it will give her opportunity to obsess. If we book a trip for the summer in january she will talk about it every day from january *until* summer. She'll let met me know how she's looking forward to the trip, how she regrets booking the trip, how she don't know if she can afford the trip, how the trip wasn't my idea and what idea the trip was. Then she'll cancel the trip one month ahead and want me to come up with a better idea.

I know you don't have BPD, but is there anything related to the planning that may frustrate your SO? There sure is a reason why he's avoiding it.

For us, the only thing that works is that I do the planning, and we do it late in the day. That is related to me not having a "condition" and my wive's BPD.

You talk about your Aspergers-like traits. Is it possible that he fears going into a debate with you because you won't accept having it any way but your own? That wouldn't be unusual for a person with asperger's syndrome. They do it their way.

[toasty]

IMHO he won't make a decision about your son because it is possible some of the results will point to him. He is inoculating himself against blame by making you question yourself first, so if the question of heritage comes up, he can point to you where you have already accepted it. I was thinking that he may see himself in his son and that would make him think about his own problems, but in my experience that won't happen at all. I would bet if you told him that the issue your child is having has nothing to do with him and must come from your side of the family, he would start planning. It's a huge ruse to avoid blame.

[daylily]

Thanks everyone, for your responses.

Grey Kitty:  I haven't been on the site for awhile and I appear to be backtracking a little.  Thanks for reminding me that there is a point at which I need to stop waiting for H and do what's best for my son.  I was thinking that parenting issues should be something that we should be in complete agreement on, but that's in the ideal world where there's no such thing as BPD.

Hergestridge: H is afraid to make the wrong decision, so he usually obsesses and ponders until it gets to the point where, as he says, "the world makes the decision for me."  I believe that not making a decision IS making a decision, but oh well.  Thanks for your input on decision making.  Like your wife, my H also knows decisions must be made but he does not want to make them himself.  But he has made up his mind that because I have been "wrong" about a few things (which essentially means I made a judgment call that was the best decision at the time, but in hindsight didn't work out well), I am always "wrong" and so I shouldn't be trusted to make decisions. 

On your comments regarding Asperger's, I have the sensitivity and social phobia (which I overcome daily by powering through what needs to be done), but I don't insist that things be done my way.  What ends up happening in discussions with H is that I want to "brainstorm," i.e., throw ideas out there and discuss them.  Inevitably, he gets focused on who is "right" and who is "wrong" and if I have anything negative to say about something he's thrown out there, he says I always try to find the "fatal flaw" in everything. I'm not dismissing his idea at all, I'm just trying to find a way around the problems that may arise with his suggested idea by continuing to brainstorm about it.  Every idea has issues with it, and I know that mine aren't perfect either.  But to me, everything is about balancing the good and the bad and making an informed decision.

Toasty: Yes, you are correct that his usual M.O. is to point to me to avoid blame.  Here, it is particularly dicey because by saying I have Asperger's, it's pointing to me as being the reason this has happened to our son, but also, it allows him to avoid blame for our relationship problems, because he can focus in on his assessment that Asperger's causes me to have a lack of empathy, which makes it so that I can't identify with him or help him through his problems.  He wants and expects me to fix everything for him (instead of looking inside himself and realizing that his own self-doubt is the root of the problem).  This morning he said he thinks that life is going to be even more difficult for him now that he knows what is wrong with me, because he will never get the empathy he needs from me.     I may have Asperger's, but regardless of whether or not I do, I think it's very common for all of us on this site, Asperger's or not, to lack empathy for our partners when they can be so angry, unreasonable and even abusive to us.

  Daylily

[Grey Kitty]

I was thinking that parenting issues should be something that we should be in complete agreement on, but that's in the ideal world where there's no such thing as BPD.

Bingo! When we accept that the world we are operating in isn't the one we want to be in, we are free to make better choices and improve things.

I'm guessing you will go forward with the testing/evaluation. Can we help you figure out ho to tell your H this in a way to generate the minimum conflict?

[hergestridge]

On your comments regarding Asperger's, I have the sensitivity and social phobia (which I overcome daily by powering through what needs to be done), but I don't insist that things be done my way.  What ends up happening in discussions with H is that I want to "brainstorm," i.e., throw ideas out there and discuss them.  Inevitably, he gets focused on who is "right" and who is "wrong" and if I have anything negative to say about something he's thrown out there, he says I always try to find the "fatal flaw" in everything. I'm not dismissing his idea at all, I'm just trying to find a way around the problems that may arise with his suggested idea by continuing to brainstorm about it.  Every idea has issues with it, and I know that mine aren't perfect either.  But to me, everything is about balancing the good and the bad and making an informed decision.

Has it ever occured to you that perhaps he doesn't have the capacity to take part in this kind of decision making? After all it is a rather demanding method. You want him to come up with suggestions (that he may - or may not - have put some time and enerrgy into) and at the same time leave his expectations at the door so that you can "brainstorm".

Of course it's a good idea to think of problems that may arise with his ideas, but I think that he's already done that himself and just wonders why you have to do that for him again. I can see where his frustration comes from.

I think you and your SO have two fundamentally different ways of thinking. Your brainstorming sessions represents a "collective thinking" that I can be difficult for a person with a very strong personal integrity to accept. But BPD on top of that and I think you're perhaps expecting a bit much from him. 

[empath]

To give you a bit of background, my husband has symptoms of BPD, but is undiagnosed as of right now. Our children all have had 'issues' when they were young that led to their receiving extra 'help' in the forms of various therapies. Eventually, they all improved such that they no longer needed therapies and have been able to find ways to work around their difficulties.

The issue of 'stigma' was (and still is to some extent) pretty important for my husband because his self-worth was tied into how well his children were developing. He didn't want to have to say that his kids needed extra help. In my case, my husband was willing to let me be the primary decision-maker because I had more experience and training in 'all things related to children'. I would have loved for him to be more of a participant (if he was actually helpful and supportive, but that wasn't my reality) My philosophy is that all kids have unique needs and ways of looking at things and that they should have the opportunity to develop to their potential. Sometimes, development is enhanced by special help in certain areas.

The children didn't really experience much 'stigma' due to their issues, especially once their entered school. In fact, my oldest child was able to find their passion and talents and ways of learning. These ended up converging, and they are doing really well -- more than people in the past would have thought possible.