Always accused of having an affair...

[24/7/30]

I was isolated from everyone I knew when I was with my exBPD.  Over the 15 years of our relationship my circle of friends grew so tiny ... . because if I spoke to anyone I would be accused of having an affair with that person.  If I was on my computer I was talking to someone who I was having an affair with.  I could not speak on my phone without being listened to for fear I was having an affair with the other person on the phone.  I could not drive myself anywhere in my car by myself.  I could not go anywhere by myself.  I was held as a prisoner unless we went somewhere together.  I learned to remained fairly mute most of the time. If I did speak up I was put down in the most remarkable ways that it was just easier to be quiet.  And available only to my ex.  The emotional abuse was so intense.  

I have a lot of shame for allowing this to happen to me.  I have been trying to recover for 3 years, reading this board but not posting much.  I learned to be silent.  I now spend way too much time by myself.  I know people but rarely put myself out there.  I need to reach out... . make plans... . but I end up never doing it... .

I really need to speak out and this is a great place to do so.  I really need to hear what others have experienced because sometimes I can't believe I lived through all the horribleness.  Thank you for all your feedback and stories as I learn it isn't just me.  

[winston72]

I lived with constant suspicion, just one step sort of accusation.  Even more pernicious than the suspicion was the questioning, oddly enough, as benign as it might now sound.  When she met people in my office, she asked me if I had ever thought about having an affair with one of them.  She asked me if any of them wanted to have an affair with me.  I was on a panel at a conference and after speaking I called her to share how it went.  Toward the end of the call she said, "Well, now you know what I am going to ask you."  I said no... . I was feeling good after the event. She said, ":)id any young woman approach you after your talk?"  It just seemed like such an odd question and one that meant she had no idea who I was.  It did not happen, never happened and if it did, I would not have been interested.  I was really head over heels for my ex.  Really head over heels! 

And then there were questions about past associates... . every one!

I wondered what I was doing wrong to trigger in her these feelings of insecurity.  I really thought about what I could do to build her trust in me and alleviate her fear of my infidelity.  I assumed that I could not change her nor was it my business to make her issues the main topic... . all I could do was to focus on how I could be a better partner.  Absent the BPD awareness, I think that approach was okay.  Making her insecurity the issue would probably not have been helpful to her.  But, now understanding more of what was driving that fear in her, I see that I just fell further and further down the rabbit hole.  I doubted myself and my ability to create a secure bond.  It really wounded me.  I could not separate her fear and skepticism from my own self image. 

It is very, very corrosive... . and it builds slowly within us.  The initial reaction of taking responsibility for the issue and trying to make it better seems loving in the moment, but it can lead us into deeply troubling and hurtful territory.

[growing_wings]

hello 24/7/30

I can only imagine what is to live in that situation for 15 years. I am sorry to hear you went through that.

It takes time to re-build networks, i am in process of re-building mine, with time, with patience. What i have found that works for me, is to find something that gives me purpose. When i started my r/s with pwBPD, i had to leave all my passions and likes behind, anything i enjoyed i had to change it or swap it for something she tought was "better" for me, but it wasnt. So, now, that i am free, i am choosing to pursue my own passions, and i am taking a voluntary project, which is helping me out.

Did you also had to leave the activities or hobbies you liked before the r/s? would you like to re-take those?

[Ready4change]

Hey there... . This is my first time to ever reply to a post... . A little nervous here. My uBPDh will start crazy allegations like that out if the blue. Last time it happened was about a year ago, but it lasted for almost a week solid . He was convinced that I slept with my personal trainer, several other men at the gym ( who's name he could never mention) as well as my ex husband and my ex boyfriend from HIGH SCHOOL, some 30 years ago ! There was nothing I could do to convince him that I did not sleep with any of this people, and in fact had never ever cheated on him. He would become even more enraged if I tried to point out all this was false. He would say that " people" had told him I slept with all these various men and he knew it for a fact. If I would attempt to speak he would just Rage at me until I gave up... . He said such horrible, vile and 100% untrue things. He even stayed home from work a couple of days during this period, I believe , for the sole purpose of continuing the Rage.  It was one if the scariest and most frightening episodes we had. And then, just as it came in outta the blue... . He just dropped it. And the issue has not been mentioned since then... . Very, very strange behavior.  That's my experience.

[Dolly rocker]

WOW, 24/07/30!

My heart goes out to you!

I lived hell on earth with a Bp

[Dolly rocker]

WOW, 24/07/30

My heart goes out to you! I only lived 7 months with my BPD. But it was so intense that it felt like 7 years. I can only imagine what u went thru in 15 years!

[Dolly rocker]

And yes growing wings, I had to leave my hobbies as well.

I did a makeup course years ago and specialised in vintage looks. I'm well into the sixties so I used to collect makeup and clothes and pretty much everything 60's related.

So I used to wear my hair in a beehive like 60's style and put fake lashes on to achieve that lovely "Twiggy look". Playing around with make up was one of my passions!

ExBpd used to say I looked like a freak and that he didn't want to have a freaky gf like me.

[winston72]

Hey Ready4Change... . the unwarranted jealousy and raging are damaging in and of themselves, the full-on/full-off aspect is just about as crazy making.  That irregular pattern of relating is really difficult.

Beehive and fake lashes!  Sounds like fun, Dolly Rocker. 

Better days ahead for all of us.

[24/7/30]

Thank you to all of you and your support. 

I am now doing whatever I want inside my OWN home, hobbies, not making the bed just so, nor hanging the clothes exactly perfect, or leaving the dishes in the sink until morning... . heaven forbid... .

I just have to work on getting outside and enjoying the world and those in it. 

I still live in the same small town and own my own business here... . so as usual I guess there are those who can not believe what happened behind our closed doors and choose to believe my ex.  And what has been shared about me is vile as you can imagine.

I am also exploring why I stayed so long with my T.  What I have learned is that my mom was a Witch-Queen, so I have learned that what I put up with was "normal" for me... . I feel better to learn why... . helps to reframe and move on... . bit by bit.

Again, thanks for your support.  I am so thankful for finding this board. 

[16YearBetrayal]

Hi 24/7/30,

It sounds like you live in a small town and this might not be available to you, but you should look into meetup groups online and you could expand your social circle a bit. It also sounds like you have some nice hobbies, so you could use those to do those hobbies with other people to meet new friends.

I think that many of us just felt very isolated in our r/s with our pwBPD.  I know my stbxBPDh isolated me in many ways.  I fought hard against this during the years, and I know I could be in a much worse situation than what I am.  But I still have lost many good friends over the years and many times feel very isolated.  I am really working hard to not let my world shrink even more around me.  That takes some dedication and desire to put yourself out there and meet new people.  I know that is not easy, especially when you have little extra emotional capacity.  But I do think it is worth trying to grow your world.

[16YearBetrayal]

What is up with all these pwBPD accusing everyone of cheating?  I lived 16 years with these accusations.  God I wish I knew for those years that these accusations were his problems and didn't have anything to do with me.  They always made me feel like a was a bad person with bad character, and I never did anything wrong.  In fact I took it to extremes to ensure no human on earth would ever think I was even remotely inappropriate with anyone. 

I am in the process of getting a divorce, and my stbxBPDh still won’t let it go.  He just told me that he knows I am a very dishonest and deceitful person and after our divorce he knows the truth will finally come out about how often I cheated on him.  Jesus.  This is coming from the man who is cheating on me.  I guess this is how he justifies his cheating as I think he truly believes I am a cheater. 

You can’t help but have the desire to defend yourself against these accusations, but I have spent 16 years defending myself, and I give up now.  Just like winston72, I always felt responsible for making my stbxBPDh feel insecure and continued to try to do more and more to make him not feel that way.  But nothing ever changed.   

I am not perfect.  And I have many issues.  But cheating is just not one of them.   

[whirlpoollife]

I had 27 years of it. I  relate to everything you say.  I appeased xtbh so much I didn't have eye contact with anyone. I didn't realize I was doing that.  It was my norm.  A counselor had me do exercises to start having eye contact by just looking at the name tag of the cashier at the store.  I am much better than before but it's still very hard.   I kept silent and had the isolation till kids had activities and through that I met angels on earth people who said a few words to make me realize I wasn't as bad as h made me out to be.

I filed for divorce. One of his many rumors in town was that he had to leave the marriage because I was cheating on him.  I am still afraid to be seen talking to a man for fear for him to accused for the marriage breakup.

I have flashbacks, I have weak days and I have strong days now.  It's  like waking up from a coma and starting where before I met him.  it is a surreal feeling. 

[growing_wings]

Thank you to all of you and your support. 

I am now doing whatever I want inside my OWN home, hobbies, not making the bed just so, nor hanging the clothes exactly perfect, or leaving the dishes in the sink until morning... . heaven forbid... .

I just have to work on getting outside and enjoying the world and those in it. 

I still live in the same small town and own my own business here... . so as usual I guess there are those who can not believe what happened behind our closed doors and choose to believe my ex.  And what has been shared about me is vile as you can imagine.

I am also exploring why I stayed so long with my T.  What I have learned is that my mom was a Witch-Queen, so I have learned that what I put up with was "normal" for me... . I feel better to learn why... . helps to reframe and move on... . bit by bit.

Again, thanks for your support.  I am so thankful for finding this board. 

This is great work 24/7/30.

Gaining an understanding of the past, and how this can impact our relationships is critical to heal. has been for me. It does not make it any easy, it is still very hard to get through, but in my view, and in my case, it is a part of my healing.

Keep being yourself!

[growing_wings]

And yes growing wings, I had to leave my hobbies as well.

I did a makeup course years ago and specialised in vintage looks. I'm well into the sixties so I used to collect makeup and clothes and pretty much everything 60's related.

So I used to wear my hair in a beehive like 60's style and put fake lashes on to achieve that lovely "Twiggy look". Playing around with make up was one of my passions!

ExBpd used to say I looked like a freak and that he didn't want to have a freaky gf like me.

Hey Dolly rocker... indeed, same for me... . . well time to take those hobbies back!

[slimmiller]

24/7/30,

I have been/am where you are. Its getting much better.

I read 'Safe People' which helped me immensly. Its a little 'preachy' but over all really good and helped me a lot.

It helped me to understand how badly she had isolated me and it validated my loneliness. We are relational creatures by nature. Healthy relationships and friendships are badly needed for us to function as we are designed to. As God intended.

BPDs steal that from us because of their unhealthiness. They squash it and attempt to take it away from us because they themselves cant have it.

Kind of like a little kid that cant have a toy so they throw it away so that no one else can have it either

Hang in there. Take good care of you! When you love yourself unconditionally, others will want to love you too

[24/7/30]

I had 27 years of it. I  relate to everything you say.  I appeased xtbh so much I didn't have eye contact with anyone. I didn't realize I was doing that.  It was my norm.  A counselor had me do exercises to start having eye contact by just looking at the name tag of the cashier at the store. 

One of his many rumors in town was that he had to leave the marriage because I was cheating on him.  I am still afraid to be seen talking to a man for fear for him to accused for the marriage breakup.

I have flashbacks, I have weak days and I have strong days now.  It's  like waking up from a coma and starting where before I met him.  it is a surreal feeling. 

Thanks for this post.  I really appreciate all that you said here.  I live with the rumor in town that I had an affair with a person who is happily married and doesn't even know that this wacky way of thinking is being shared with so many people.  I have had a hard time facing the community because I don't know what anyone knows.  I try to tell myself that it doesn't matter but I have a business here and it is so very hard.  I think one reason I spend so much time at home is that facing not knowing what people are thinking of me is so hard.  Rationally I know I should not care, but emotionally it is so hard.  I get to feeling so paranoid. 

Anyway again thanks for all the great replies.  I am so much better than I was 3 years ago.  The longer you are in a relationship with a BPD, the longer it takes to heal.  I tell myself that all the time when I think it is taking too long.  You are all helping me so much. 

Thank you so much.

[Cumulus]

Hi 24/7/30. I am glad that you are able to look back and see the growth that has occurred for you over the last three years. I too am now three years out of a 35 year marriage. Looking back I can see I've travelled a good ways but there are still circumstances that arise to remind me I've growing yet to do. I do know I was emotionally abused, that I didn't know three years ago. Realizing that helped me understand much more clearly the reasons I stayed. I was victimized, I had no control over that. If I had stayed I would have become a victim, that I had control over. Knowing that led to my departure. Thank you for your insights. Cumulus

[Lucky Jim]

Hey 24/7, Slowly but surely, inch by inch, I lost myself in a 16-year marriage to a pwBPD, so I know exactly what you are talking about.  Lost touch with friends and family, gave up hobbies that made me happy, missed out on college and high school reunions, ignored my gut feelings, and pretended things were OK in my marriage when they weren't.  At the end, there wasn't much left of my former happy-go-lucky self and I was like a prisoner in my own home.

Now divorced, I'm slowly reconnecting with friends and family with whom I lost touch.  I think you will be surprised by how many people are willing to give you another chance.  Many have said that they knew something was wrong with me and that I wasn't myself.  They are glad to see me regaining my true self again.  The only suggestion I have for you is to reach out, and keep reaching out.  Doesn't have to be a big thing -- just a phone call or an email to a friend or relative is a start.

Hang in there and keep posting,

Lucky Jim

[toomanytears]

I'm just out of a 31 year marriage.

Over the years I've had to defend myself many times against his accusations that I'd had an affair. Some were downright preposterous: on one occasion I supposedly had a fling a week before we got married; another time, when I was six months pregnant. In August last year, after a failed attempt to have sex, he blurted out that he no longer loved me, that it was all my fault that the relationship had gone wrong and that he wanted a new start. He then began waxing lyrical about a little cottage in the country. We had a blazing row lasting several days and I asked him to leave. Off he went with alot of noise and protestations that I threw him out 'onto the street'. Talk about gaslighting! It left me so confused and bemused. Perhaps I had been a bit hasty? Had we moved on too fast? I asked him to come home so we could work things out - he point blank refused 'to be put in that humiliating position ever again'.

He agreed we should go though couples therapy - only once we'd sold out house! He wants me to put it on the market as soon as possible so he can take his share of the money and run off into the sunset in his little cottage. All this without going through the tedious process of divorce. Apparently lawyers are too expensive. Surprise, surprise.

Finally, this weekend, sixth months down the line, the penny has dropped - he was the one having the affairs! How on earth did I not see it? I've supported him through thick and thin, invested alot of my time in our family unit, taken a full time job because he insisted on it, brought up our two wonderufl children while he flitted around the world... .

If it wasn't so patheic it would be hilarious.

This site is the best tonic.Thank you for your patience fellow boarders.

[whirlpoollife]

Besides the accusations, did the pwPD feel entitled to sex however and as many times they pleased.  And degrade you afterwards ?   

Was there passive aggressive  traits with power and control, 

Like to play mind games, (gaslighting), competitive in anything that would you do, they  could do better?  Or jealously of kids enjoying time with you?