Spoke to exBDgf

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Hey all, I was interested in getting you opinion on this.

My ex and I broke up July 2013. She was a mess our entire relationship. She is the typical borderline waif... . Anyways

We spoke like 2 months ago and then nothing else until I called her on sunday and left a voicemail... .

She texted me at 3 AM this morning saying is everything ok. Of course I was asleep so i texted her today saying I was just seeing how she was doing etc... .

she responded with this :

"The last month has been so so good for me and I want to keep holding to it for a while longer... . is it ok if we touch base at a time when it would be a healthy positive thing for both of us... . ? I'm not there yet I hope you understand." 

Firstly, why does she seem so happy? I don't get it she was never happy... . Secondly by her saying that it makes me feel like I was a bad person to her... . It was a very kind message from her which makes me have anxiety, like is she finally better... .

[magichat101]

Hey all, I was interested in getting you opinion on this.

My ex and I broke up July 2013. She was a mess our entire relationship. She is the typical borderline waif... . Anyways

We spoke like 2 months ago and then nothing else until I called her on sunday and left a voicemail... .

She texted me at 3 AM this morning saying is everything ok. Of course I was asleep so i texted her today saying I was just seeing how she was doing etc... .

she responded with this :

"The last month has been so so good for me and I want to keep holding to it for a while longer... . is it ok if we touch base at a time when it would be a healthy positive thing for both of us... . ? I'm not there yet I hope you understand." 

Firstly, why does she seem so happy? I don't get it she was never happy... . Secondly by her saying that it makes me feel like I was a bad person to her... . It was a very kind message from her which makes me have anxiety, like is she finally better... .

[fromheeltoheal]

It's said that only 7% of the whole 'message' we get from someone is the words, the rest is tone of voice and body language; the phone adds tone of voice, but you need to see her in person to get the whole story.  Bottom line: anyone can type anything hiding behind a smartphone, and parsing the words is futile.

If she's truly disordered she will never be 'fixed', but maybe she was having a good day?  It seems to be an obsession with us that after we split our borderlines suddenly get healthy, get in a relationship that is 'right' and it fixes them, whatever, and the core of that, since we couldn't fix it, is a feeling of less than, not good enough, blah, blah, the same stuff the borderline used to control us in the relationship.  The best thing we can do is take the actions that bolster our self esteem, and not take seriously what a disordered person thinks.  At all.

[Allmessedup]

Just my $.02... .

She isn't better.  She is trying to keep you engaged as her fall back.

[Turkish]

Hey all, I was interested in getting you opinion on this.

My ex and I broke up July 2013. She was a mess our entire relationship. She is the typical borderline waif... . Anyways

We spoke like 2 months ago and then nothing else until I called her on sunday and left a voicemail... .

She texted me at 3 AM this morning saying is everything ok. Of course I was asleep so i texted her today saying I was just seeing how she was doing etc... .

she responded with this :

"The last month has been so so good for me and I want to keep holding to it for a while longer... . is it ok if we touch base at a time when it would be a healthy positive thing for both of us... . ? I'm not there yet I hope you understand." 

I think that says it all right there. She's telegraphing her instability. She probably is happy right now. On the surface... .

[drxap]

First thing to keep in mind is that a pwBPD will do whatever it takes to gain control over you. You gave up control by calling her and she cemented it by rejecting you and acting happy without you.

I just like to think of everything from them as a con.

[cosmonaut]

I think she's being incredibly honest with you.  She's saying that you trigger her.  She may not understand why, but she knows that you do.  I don't see malice or manipulation in her words at all.  I think she's telling you she's currently not able to deal with the emotional maelstrom that she knows talking to you will provoke.  She's still very, very sick.  She probably always will be.

The important thing is not to insert yourself into it, magichat.  She's got profound issues, but it's not your fault.  Seriously, it is NOT your fault.  You didn't make her unhappy, but you can't make her happy either.  She's broken in a very fundamental way.  Don't read anything into her statements about happiness.  They don't have anything to do with you.  All she's saying is that the storm in her head has been quieter lately.  She, and she alone, is really responsible for that.  Believe me, she is not better.  She is not cured.  She probably never will be, although for her sake we can hope the best for her.

[findingmyselfagain]

Who knows? Mine was also mostly waif/hermit, and I trusted her too much. She ended things abruptly just after our wedding shower. I had to find out what happened, and everyone I ever heard from recognized she had a very stormy past. Those who are still friends with her still see the drama in the often short-lived new relationships. I haven't heard from mine in 2 years. I don't think she has the nerve or the ability to rise above the daily struggle. She's very hurt and broken. I didn't realize it at the time. I wanted to comfort her and give her a nice life. Little did I know what I was in for. I no longer hold out on any hope of a romantic relationship or even a friendship. It's sad, in a way, but also peaceful to give it up. It's highly unlikely the dynamic of their relationships will ever change.