Looking in my own mirror

[Tolou]

You know... . I looked at this board taking personal inventory... .

The truth... . That's what I have been doing... .

Personal inverntory started, when I stopped googling BPD this, BPD that... . and stopped trying to figure this other person who I decided to cut off from my life... . Why? I left because it was unhealthy, I left early and with not as much damage as others.

I really started to look at myself, my own problems and learning to better myself and feel better about myself because though it was hard I made the right choice.  I see from the boards and the posts, that though many people have similar experiences with people with BPD, there are many of us that have different expereinces.  We are also at different stages of moving forward, grieving, staying or living with family members and spouses etc...

Most important:

I am so associating bad feeling with negative actions.  However... . Sometimes, when we do the right thing, it hurts, it just feels wrong because were taught when we do right it should feel good.  But that not always the case, sometimes when we do the right thing, it has some negativity attached to it, that doesn't mean it wasn't right.

Personal Inverntory:

[heartandwhole]

Hi Tolou,

Yes, sometimes doing the right thing hurts, I can relate to that. I think it's great that you have stopped googling and have been looking deeply at your own stuff.  Lots of gold to be mined in there.

It looks like your post is unfinished?  Tell us more when you can. 

[growing_wings]

Y

I am so associating bad feeling with negative actions.  However... . Sometimes, when we do the right thing, it hurts, it just feels wrong because were taught when we do right it should feel good.  But that not always the case, sometimes when we do the right thing, it has some negativity attached to it, that doesn't mean it wasn't right.

hi Tolou,

i soo relate to what you write above. Doing the right thing is not always easy, nor the simple option, it tends to be the hardest choice we can take and it hurts, but this is consistent with having and building integrity and self respect, and in the long run, this is what matters.

be well

[Tolou]

thank you for your replies.

[fromheeltoheal]

Yes.  It's a natural progression to focus on the ex and all her 'issues' to begin with, learn about the disorder, which was important for me to do and explained a whole lot, gave me validation, and helped me believe I'm not the crazy one.  Well, at least not the only one.

And then there's a time to get off that, let it go, and shift the focus to us, started for me by asking the question What the hell was I doing?  Good intentions, heart in the right place, surprise, disillusionment, and eventually defensiveness and hurt.  Big hurt.

And doing the right thing always feels good in the long run.  Sure, some decisions are difficult, doing the right thing in the moment isn't always easy or pleasant, but later, once the dust has settled, we get to look in the mirror and know we acted with integrity, have no regrets, and have probably gained some people's respect, the more difficult doing the right thing is, the better.

[growing_wings]

thank you for your replies.

Tolou, i had the impression you were going to share more in your original message?

[seeking balance]

Sometimes, when we do the right thing, it hurts, it just feels wrong because were taught when we do right it should feel good.  But that not always the case, sometimes when we do the right thing, it has some negativity attached to it, that doesn't mean it wasn't right.

This is concept is essential for real emotional maturity and love as a verb (action).  Very impressive & wise statement that I hope everyone on this board gets a chance to read and think about.     

[Tolou]

A little more for those who asked:

I have to take personal inverntory.  I have been no-contact now for almost 8 months. But my NC has been very difficult because I see her at work every day.  Luckily, I are jobs do not interfear but I had to weather a strong storm when she was just out-of control and making me seem like a monster to almost anyone who would listen.  When I tried to respond and communicate with her, it was right back to scare one, suicidal gestures... . My personal inventory began then:

I said goodbye and let her know, I was done and would not speak to her anymore.  This wasn't real love:

People who love you DON'T:

Lie about having cancer

Take money from you and never return it

Spread rumors and lie about you at work

Tell people intimate details of your life that you shared in confidence

Black Mail you... . etc, the list could go on:  These things are so sad to remember but I was dealing with someone who was truning into a child before my eyes even knew what my mind already knew.  Something wasn't right and as much as I wantd things to be what I once thought and even fooled myself to think they could be, I had to move forward so that this person could grow and I could heal and learn.  It's just more difficult when you have to see them every day and it is made to look like I am the anti-social one or irrational one, but I KNOW MY TRUTH and the REAL TRUTH... . Im content with that.