Long Day

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

He is with his new family.  Her and her children and my children and him.  Celebrating a weekend trip that we had planned to take... . before he painted me black and bailed.  Now he has created a new family and a new present and a new future... . it only took a matter of days from walking out of here.  He kept her dangling I am sure.  Kept her slightly engaged while he was home and "working" on our marriage.

*sigh*

I was doing well... . now as I know the parade is about to start where they are I am a complete mess. 

Not fair is all I can think.  He gets to just move on, move forward... . I am left a huge, shaking, sobbing mess.  Oh, I have held it together when I needed to.  I just would love the pain and hurt to pass.  I just wish I was through it.  I suppose knowing he is undiagnosed BPD/NPD helps slightly this time.  As the past 10+ years I had no idea what the hell was going on.  I just knew my Love was not helping anything.

Even with the knowledge it still hurts... .

[NyGirl8]

He is with his new family.  Her and her children and my children and him.  Celebrating a weekend trip that we had planned to take... . before he painted me black and bailed.  Now he has created a new family and a new present and a new future... . it only took a matter of days from walking out of here.  He kept her dangling I am sure.  Kept her slightly engaged while he was home and "working" on our marriage.

*sigh*

I was doing well... . now as I know the parade is about to start where they are I am a complete mess. 

Not fair is all I can think.  He gets to just move on, move forward... . I am left a huge, shaking, sobbing mess.  Oh, I have held it together when I needed to.  I just would love the pain and hurt to pass.  I just wish I was through it.  I suppose knowing he is undiagnosed BPD/NPD helps slightly this time.  As the past 10+ years I had no idea what the hell was going on.  I just knew my Love was not helping anything.

Even with the knowledge it still hurts... .

[boatman]

Hi NYGirl-

I'm so sorry. I've been replaced out of the blue a few times and it's devastating. I know for myself that sometimes all the intellectual coping mechanisms in the world don't make me feel any better; sometimes it just hurts. I used to think that my love wasn't good enough and/or that I wasn't good enough, b/c if it/I was, she wouldn't have done so much to hurt me. I try to remember now that these are her issues and not mine. What do you do to handle to pain? 

[growing_wings]

Hello Nygirl

I am sorry you are going through this. I can relate to your pain.

Seeing them "moving" so fast, so indiferent to their lives with us is not just very painful, excrutiating ,but also hard to comprehend. Being painted black... .

I am painted black too. there is nothing i can do for that. Leaving and working in my detaching is all i can do.

there are no easy words to say in a situation like this other than hang in there. It will get better... . it will pass.

Is there a group of friends you can connect with?

being a mess is a necessary step towards healing.

[NyGirl8]

Thank you Growing Wings and boatman.  Coming here helps when I feel like the pain is too much.  It helps to hear from people who have felt this.  Unfortunately most of my friends are not so empathetic anymore.  I get it though... . they all thought I shouldn't have tried the past two times... .

But, I think I was pretty "shut down" even before meeting my ex.  So, I suppose it is progress that now when I am in pain, I actually cry.  I actually allow myself to feel it and cry... . so, I am crying and I am here... . among people who understand.  And it helps.

    Thanks again... .

[seeking balance]

But, I think I was pretty "shut down" even before meeting my ex.  So, I suppose it is progress that now when I am in pain, I actually cry.  I actually allow myself to feel it and cry... . so, I am crying and I am here... . among people who understand.  And it helps.

 

Just let those tears flow - gosh, I spent a lot of time doing that the first year here too.  I soo, understand when someone we love moves on so quickly with what looks like our dream - it is heart breaking.

It will not feel this way forever - this too shall pass... . honestly 

[myself]

NyGirl, I'm with SB. Cry when you feel to. Feel those feelings. It's a way to release the tension and pain. To come to a better understanding of where the tears come from. Some are from the current situation. Some from the past. I've been thinking of tears as cleaning a window that has years of accumulated dirt on it. Each one let go of helps us see more clearly. Who we were. Who we are. Who we will be.

[NyGirl8]

Very True myself and SB.  When I thought of why I never cried... . it was because I was "too strong"... . somehow I equated not crying with strength.  I now see it is just the opposite.  It takes such amazing strength to feel this pain, see clearly the reality of it all, and know the time has come to let go... . let go of him, let go of this marriage, let go of the vision I had for our family, let go of all my pain and hurt from the past (that I never let in), let it all go so I can move forward.  But, today, today I am here with my tears and my pain.  And tomorrow when my girls come walking through that door, I will be cleansed and be able to be present for them.

Big sigh... .

[Tausk]

Not fair is all I can think.  He gets to just move on, move forward... . I am left a huge, shaking, sobbing mess.  Oh, I have held it together when I needed to.  I just would love the pain and hurt to pass.  I just wish I was through it.  I suppose knowing he is undiagnosed BPD/NPD helps slightly this time.  As the past 10+ years I had no idea what the hell was going on.  I just knew my Love was not helping anything.

Even with the knowledge it still hurts... .

.

Oh NG:  

I'm so sorry for you and what you are going through.   I don't know your specific pain, but I know mine, and the pattern is so similar.  I understand.  We understand.

The confusion, disappointment, anger, shame, frustration, fatigue... .

Mine just moved on and married the guy she cultivated for a year and half while we were living together and I was devoting myself to her.  And she seems to be just fine and I've been "discarded."  I was doubled up in hurt with no place to vent and with my sweet dogs howling besides me while wailed in torturous pain.

And yes it doesn't ease the pain in the moment to understand that it's a DISORDER.  But it can help reduce the suffering and allows us to move forward and grow and become the people we want to be.  The people we dream we could be.  These potential realities simply weren't possible while I was with my ex, b/c of the FOG and because it would mean being independent, which would have triggered my ex to flee anyway.

So knowledge that although it feels like it was "discarded", the truth is that my ex ran away.  Ran away from feelings and a world which she did not understand... . that of a relationship with love and support and commitment.  These did not make sense to her in mind as consistent to what is correct.   She ran away because she has the Disorder.

And she isn't OK.  She's just the same, which is simply an ever deepening cycle of the Disorder, which is a world filled with the nightmare of the reality of her own existence.  It's not a life I would trade a second for.

So, that knowledge didn't ease the pain I needed to go through, but it did ease the suffering of the ruminations and frustrations and confusion.  And helped to lift the FOG.

You mention your children.  Are they both of yours?  Then perhaps focus on how to get better for them and you.  We on this side of the board need meaning in our lives.  It's a need. And having children can fill that need.  

Depersonalize him when you have processed and are able and focus how to make things as best as possible for the children.  Regardless, even if they are not both of yours, still focus on not causing them greater harm.

Prayer for the children and devotion to at least Doing No Harm and then devotion to bring them out of the fog.  

You're in the right place.  Vent, read, cry, post, see a Therapist.  Share.  We understand and can validate.

We can find recovery.

You and the children and your ex and his new object and her children are all in my prayers.  There is no one evil here.  There are innocent children.  We were innocent children.  

In support

T

[NyGirl8]

Thank you Tausk for your response.  I am sorry you had this pain as well.  And all your words were very wise and true.  Yes, the children are ours (mine and my ex).  I think part of the reason it is so hard when they are with him (he has court ordered visitation, and I have primary custody.  After HE took ME to court for sole custody saying I was emotionally unwell) is because I have no control... . at least before I felt I could shield them a little.  The only protection I have is that he is court ordered not to drink when he has them... . although, I am pretty confident he still does.  But, things will go bad with him and this new woman and I fear for the day the children really see him.  I do see a therapist, he has helped me and informed me about this disorder.  He says the children already know.  They may not be able to process it, but, they know and see the inconsistencies.  So, yes, I am getting healthy for me and my girls.  So that I may have a healthy relationship and they benefit from a healthy Mother.  Being a Mother is something I take very seriously and very much enjoy:-)  Watching these two lovely souls grow and become their own little people... . such an amazing gift that I get to be their Mom.  I am truly blessed.  Thank you for the prayers... .

[LettingGo14]

So, yes, I am getting healthy for me and my girls.  So that I may have a healthy relationship and they benefit from a healthy Mother.  Being a Mother is something I take very seriously and very much enjoy:-)  Watching these two lovely souls grow and become their own little people... . such an amazing gift that I get to be their Mom.  I am truly blessed.  Thank you for the prayers... .

NYGirl,

I just want to affirm the support you have here.  You and I have both learned -- through this site -- that we are NOT alone.   

We are detoxing while feeling abandoned and rejected.  That makes it very hard. It's definitely a process, with ups and downs emotionally.   You definitely have support here, and your kids are very lucky to have you.

I realize now that, no matter how much I wanted it to work with my ex, it was impossible.  My mind, which used to run wild with imagination about my replacement(s), has calmed a bit in recent days in part because of help from people like you.   

There's a zen cartoon that shows a prisoner grasping bars while the door is open behind him.  We are ready to leave the darkness of these relationships.

You are doing great.  You have friends here.

[NyGirl8]

Thank you LettingGo.  I like the imagery of that cartoon.  So, so true.  And your words about your ex are accurate with me as well.  This would've never worked.  It only would've worked had I not looked for more, not sought answers as to why I was feeling insane, stayed in the FOG... . that is the only way this marriage would've been successful. 

Thanks for the support LG :-)  And for the kind words about my children being lucky to have me... . very appreciated... .

[Tausk]

They may not be able to process it, but, they know and see the inconsistencies.  So, yes, I am getting healthy for me and my girls.  So that I may have a healthy relationship and they benefit from a healthy Mother.  Being a Mother is something I take very seriously and very much enjoy:-)  Watching these two lovely souls grow and become their own little people... . such an amazing gift that I get to be their Mom.  I am truly blessed.  Thank you for the prayers... .

Good for you.  Yes, I have a good friend.  She has learned about the Disorder, to also slowly let their children understand as well.  That way they can also depersonalize the effects of the disorder.  

I hope you are checking in with the split parenting board.  Getting a lawyer and documenting everything is the best advise that I can tell you.  :)ocument any interaction, the drinking, abuse, inconsistency... . You have children together, so you can not flee the Disorder.  Therefore, the best course of action is to try and defuse any emotional interaction, and depersonalize the conflict, and document everything as proof for the long run.  It's hard not to get triggered, but how you respond will be the role model for your children.  Also Al A Teen for the kids is a great place for them to understand.

You have resources and tools to help. And You are getting better.  Just the fact that you can express yourself in the first post on this thread and get to the second post is a tribute to your courage, strength, ability to learn, and willingness to find recovery.

It will happen.  Give it time and keep venting.  It doesn't make sense until we understand the sense is in the insanity and there's nothing we can do about it.  

Thanks for posting.

It inspires me to see you working.

T

[NyGirl8]

Thanks T.  It feels mice to inspire:-)