My revelation this week: I'm in control of me...

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It has been an up and down week!  It included my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years breaking n/c after nearly 75 days to make a ridiculous request and the surprising amount of anger and frustration it triggered in me.  I had a call session yesterday with my T.  We will meet in person next week, but it was a critical time for me to process what went down and why I responded the way I did.  Here is what I've learned:

1. I'm still working on radical acceptance that no matter what my rational mind wants to think or my heart of heart feels, my ex gf doesn't have the capacity to think or feel that her actions may be irrational or hurt those around her.  She's going to keep doing this sh!t and I need to keep working on acceptance that she is mentally ill.  Getting angry or frustrated is only going to keep me controlled by her actions and prevent me from fully healing.  This was a needed "recheck" point for me this week and I will pursue this more with my T.

2. There was a reason that I got upset and acted on it.  I may not understand it, but my drive to process and grow from it shows how far I've come in my recovery and self awareness.  I believe I still have a fear that she can hurt me or try to hurt me.  What I'm working on is that I ultimately have control of me and I have control of how to deal with people who could hurt me.  No one else has that control.  Simple and stupid, but this is a HUGE learning for me.   

3. I dealt with 3+ years of emotional abuse, FOG, and ultimately physical abuse.  Although I had some moments of anger in responding to the craziness during the r/s, I am not surprised that I had some anger remaining in me that came out this week.  I forgive myself for it and have learned from it.  It is done.

4. N/c means n/c!  I have been good about not responding to texts or calls.  Living on the same block opens me up for unwanted meetings.  I will work with my T to rewrite and "re-craft" my emotional and physical boundaries.  My response to any situation in the future with regards to unwanted run-ins will simply be to state with no emotion to her "n/c means n/c" and walk away.  That is it.

5. I think my other fear of any contact with her was that it would set me back in my recovery.  I now see that was not true of what happened this week and won't be true in the future.  I may have needed to take a "timeout" to process and rethink my boundaries, but really that has only made me stronger and more self aware.  It will only help in my recover.

So, this was a big week for me.  I'm in control of me.  That feels good!

   

[Madison66]

It has been an up and down week!  It included my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years breaking n/c after nearly 75 days to make a ridiculous request and the surprising amount of anger and frustration it triggered in me.  I had a call session yesterday with my T.  We will meet in person next week, but it was a critical time for me to process what went down and why I responded the way I did.  Here is what I've learned:

1. I'm still working on radical acceptance that no matter what my rational mind wants to think or my heart of heart feels, my ex gf doesn't have the capacity to think or feel that her actions may be irrational or hurt those around her.  She's going to keep doing this sh!t and I need to keep working on acceptance that she is mentally ill.  Getting angry or frustrated is only going to keep me controlled by her actions and prevent me from fully healing.  This was a needed "recheck" point for me this week and I will pursue this more with my T.

2. There was a reason that I got upset and acted on it.  I may not understand it, but my drive to process and grow from it shows how far I've come in my recovery and self awareness.  I believe I still have a fear that she can hurt me or try to hurt me.  What I'm working on is that I ultimately have control of me and I have control of how to deal with people who could hurt me.  No one else has that control.  Simple and stupid, but this is a HUGE learning for me.   

3. I dealt with 3+ years of emotional abuse, FOG, and ultimately physical abuse.  Although I had some moments of anger in responding to the craziness during the r/s, I am not surprised that I had some anger remaining in me that came out this week.  I forgive myself for it and have learned from it.  It is done.

4. N/c means n/c!  I have been good about not responding to texts or calls.  Living on the same block opens me up for unwanted meetings.  I will work with my T to rewrite and "re-craft" my emotional and physical boundaries.  My response to any situation in the future with regards to unwanted run-ins will simply be to state with no emotion to her "n/c means n/c" and walk away.  That is it.

5. I think my other fear of any contact with her was that it would set me back in my recovery.  I now see that was not true of what happened this week and won't be true in the future.  I may have needed to take a "timeout" to process and rethink my boundaries, but really that has only made me stronger and more self aware.  It will only help in my recover.

So, this was a big week for me.  I'm in control of me.  That feels good!

   

[seeking balance]

So, this was a big week for me.  I'm in control of me.  That feels good!

   

Madison, the ex contacting you and you being triggered - honestly, be kind to yourself for the intense emotions you have been feeling from that contact.  Of course it pushed buttons - the thing is, now you know those buttons whereas during the relationship, you didn't.

FEAR - false, expectations, appearing, real

Good job in reaching out to your T - you are doing the work... . doing the work is not always pretty and we may feel crazy ourselves at times... . but it will get better.  Honestly.

Peace,

SB

[NyGirl8]

Very inspirational Madison!  Go you!  That is all very awesome and I am happy to hear it is possible and it does happen... . with LOTS of hard work.  Thanks for sharing!

[myself]

NC doesn't mean they don't exist. It's a way for us to get enough balance to not be knocked down by memories or encounters. To regain a sense of self that isn't depending on their input or influence. You sound well on your way to accepting the whole situation, not just parts of it. Keep going!