How am I going to stay stong until he moves out?

[kay62105]

I cracked or caved. It wasn't even that big of a thing this time but just the straw that broke my back.  So many things piled up.  It was the other night and I just lost it a little, he tried playing off his little lie by saying he misunderstood what I was talking about and I got so angry that I got out of bed and said, "Yeah right, you lie all the time! About everything to everyone. I don't know why I block it or pass it off most times and I held this gem in for a while now because I just kept telling myself it wasn't the right time but when your friend was over for new years I had to play stupid when he asked me if you were able to sell your moms house because you had apparently told him and everyone else at your old work crew that your mom was dead and that you and your brother were working on selling her house.  Who can lie about their mom being dead? WHO?"

I told him I was done, that I had asked him for no more lies no matter how big or small.  He's been playing it off that he didn't hear what I said right and therefor didn't lie because he thought I was talking about something else.  He is making me feel very unjustified.  He is from another state and I told him I would buy him a plane ticket directly into his home town but he says he wants to stay here because of his job.  I asked him when he could be out and he said, "I don't know maybe in a few weeks at the earliest." So yesterday, we are talking and talking and he's coming at me with new angles for old offenses and his new "reasons" actually kind of make sense.  Now I'm rethinking everything.  I just want to be able to hold onto my anger and keep this on the ending so I don't have to live in fear and worry anymore.  I get so weak when he's so sad and being sweet, part of me wants him to want to leave and then another part of me is hanging on to the hope that these new "reasons" are really how it is and we can actually come up with some solutions.  

I just need to remember that he's always going to seem so perfect when we are seperating because he is finally doing what he should have been all along but it wont last.  It would probably only last a week if I said we could try again.

AHHH! How am I going to stay stong and keep us broken up for a few weeks until he is out? How?

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm sorry you're in the middle of that; I've been there and it is truly crazymaking.

You're right, if he feels abandoned, or about to be abandoned, he'll turn on the sugar as bait, and it's important to remember how bad it gets when he knows he has you.  It's a fiction that won't last, and you sound like you know that.

Of course it would be best to get him out sooner, it would be much less stressful, but is there anywhere you can go, at least for part of it?  And of course it's hard to get a commitment out of these types, but can you get him to commit to a date to be out, and come up with some consequences if he isn't?  Otherwise I could see the couple of weeks slipping, with him seeing what he can get away with.

Stay strong, stay here and talk, and take care of you!

[kay62105]

Thank you fromheeltoheal! I am definitely feeling a little insane  

I do know, I've been in this position quite a few times now and it is bait.  I think something that makes it harder for me and I'm sure most is that I'm starving. I've gone so long without the sustenance I need that when that wonderful bait is dangled right in front of my face I tend to bite, hard.  Sometimes without even thinking and then that's it, I'm hooked again.

I agree and think it would be best for him to be out sooner which is why I offered the plane ticket.  There is no way that I could leave but I could spend less time at home.  I would love to be able to be the one to go somewhere else until this is truly over. It strains my heart so much more to go through all the different emotions and levels of a break up many more times than is necessary.  I will think of a way to set a date with consequences. That is a good idea!

Thank you again! I'm going to try my best!

[Turkish]

Thank you fromheeltoheal! I am definitely feeling a little insane  

I do know, I've been in this position quite a few times now and it is bait.  I think something that makes it harder for me and I'm sure most is that I'm starving. I've gone so long without the sustenance I need that when that wonderful bait is dangled right in front of my face I tend to bite, hard.  Sometimes without even thinking and then that's it, I'm hooked again.

I agree and think it would be best for him to be out sooner which is why I offered the plane ticket.  There is no way that I could leave but I could spend less time at home.  I would love to be able to be the one to go somewhere else until this is truly over. It strains my heart so much more to go through all the different emotions and levels of a break up many more times than is necessary.  I will think of a way to set a date with consequences. That is a good idea!

Thank you again! I'm going to try my best!

Hi kay62105, that is a tremendous amount of stress to live in a house with a person and your r/s is done. My uBPDx got me to gift her a $3K severance package or she refused to leave (conducting her affair the whole time). Even so, it took over 4 months for her to finally move out, and she conducted the affair anyway, barely hiding it from me. Continuing to pathologically lie again and again when it came up.

How did I survive? I initiated NT/NC (No Talking (about our r/s)/No Contact) as much as we were able to do living under the same room and having our two little kids in the house.

She also tried the sugary sweet thing with me, asking me for a few week if I wanted to sit down with her at night and watch tv or movies. I refused. She finally got that I flat out didn't want to spend time with her. It was nothing short of an emotional hell on my side, but I finally made it to the end. We had all of about one conversation/argument per month during this period, the last one being triggered by a burglary and the stress surrounding that. No talking about anything other than the logistics of dealing with the kids or her moving out. Period.

[Skip]

I just want to be able to hold onto my anger and keep this on the ending so I don't have to live in fear and worry anymore.  I get so weak when he's so sad and being sweet, part of me wants him to want to leave and then another part of me is hanging on to the hope that these new "reasons" are really how it is and we can actually come up with some solutions.  

You have a few things to overcome, I think.

1. This was an emotional breakup.  He will (as anyone) assume that when you cool off you will be more rational.

2. You've been down this road before so it is reasonable to to think this will mend.

3. It's you that is thinking end it as a solution - not him.

So, I think the hard question, is do you really want this over or are you in the upswing of frustration that will likely subside.  Your comments hint that you may be.

One reason they tell DV victims not to just up and leave as it often makes matters much worse.  They tell them that leaving needs to be carefully planned.  A poorly planned ending will often hit snags that the parties resolve by getting back together.

So maybe the best thing here is to open two threads -

1. To discuss whether you really are ready to end the relationship - the Staying Board is good for that.  You're upset - but are you done?  Are you both in a cycle of conflict and triggering / over reacting?  Or is it fundamentally flawed relationship with no love.

2. To make an exit plan.  The Family Law Board folks are good at that. My approach might be to schedule the mover, have his mailed forwarded to a PO box, , move him to the guest room and bath, temporarily cancel the cable and phone, empty the fridge, do overnights with friends - all signals this is for real.

One thing for sure, you current path is high risk.

[kay62105]

Hi Turkish, thank you and I'm sorry you went through that! I often think about what I'm going and have gone through and how horrible it feels but when I see others who have gone through similar, harder and/or worse situations my heart goes out imagining what that must of felt like. 

You also make some very good points.  Shutting down all conversations about our relationship and as minimal contact as possible given that we live together is definitely the route I'll need to take.

Skip,

You make some excellent points, I thought posting here [L3] Leaving: Detaching from the Wounds of a failed BPD Relationship

Support for those in a failed or failing romantic relationship  - would be best because I would really like some support in the deciscion I made to end the relationship.  The deciscion I made to do what I have been wanting to do for a while whether it be emotional or not, over reacting or not, whether I know if it's truly what I want or not, etc. It is where I am at now. I wish things could be done in such black and white with an exit plan and the strongest of wills for a premeditated strike like that.  I see so many people on here months and years after it truly ended and they were gone, still questioning if it's what they truly wanted or not.  If I end up back in the relationship then I will keep what you listed in mind for a less poorly planned break up. I know my path right now is high risk and that's another reason I'm seeking support/thoughts/opinions to stay strong in the deciscion I made and make it less high risk.

[fromheeltoheal]

Another reason for going away, at least for a few days, is to get your head straight.  If you're susceptible to his wiles and starving, like you mention, the only way to stay out might be to create physical distance.  I told my ex I was going to visit a relative, a lie but screw her at the time, and I went on an 800 mile road trip.  The adventure really helped me get my head straight and make some real decisions about what I wanted, without the input from crazywoman, and it strengthened my resolve enough to break free when I got back.  Whether you stay or go, time and distance away will help you decide.

[Skip]

The deciscion I made to do what I have been wanting to do for a while whether it be emotional or not, over reacting or not, whether I know if it's truly what I want or not, etc..

If that is what you are looking for, then this is absolutely the place. 

[kay62105]

If that is what you are looking for, then this is absolutely the place. 

Wonderful! Thank you!  I'm very glad to be in the right place.