Farewell, The Future is Forward, Forgiveness From Fallacies

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Well, Guys. 

I think this may be it for me. I don't want to say that I will be gone for good, but I can no longer hang around these boards much longer and expect to get myself in the right place spiritually. I can post, I can share, I can read and understand, but some events have developed recently, some truths discovered, and some light has been cast.  In AA, there is a saying, "more will be revealed."  And I can say, coming out of the FOG, there have been discoveries about myself that I need to work on, truths about myself and my relationship with her that I need to deal with, and that is what I need to move toward.  A truth about myself, a day-to-day plan of action that is going to relieve me from the pain that I am in.  I had my weekly Friday visit with my P today, and we both decided a break from the bpdfamily website may be in order.  Maybe, once a month, to check in with friends I have made, and let the ones I have grown to love know how I am doing, and give the newcomer some hope. 

She is no longer my exBPD or myBPD or pscyhopath, or looney bird.  She is my son's mother, a human being that I loved for a long long time, a woman that I am okay with loving until the day I die, but I can love from a distance... . and she has a name. And it's not three letters capitalized.

I learned that my replacement has been Triangulation with my son's mother, my fiancee, the woman I tried my best to take care of, the woman I would have laid down and died for, the woman that I damn near died for, he has been around for over a decade. Well, I cannot tell you the pain I am in from hearing that.  I cannot tell you the hurt, despair, the anger towards her family that knew, the deceit, the lies, how everything has come full circle for me the past few weeks.  How I can now comprehend, putting this on a timeline with my P, the past 14 years of our lives. But I forgive her.

It's unfortunate for our son, it's unfortunate for me, it's unfortunate for my son's mother.  A beautiful woman, no doubt.  A wonderfully funny woman, and boy could I make her laugh.  There wasn't a time I could remember that I couldn't do that with his mother.  Often, all it took, was a "james dean" and my blue eyes, or smirk, or tell her something funny to break the mood, and she would laugh hysterically.  She had a funny sounding laugh, and when I would make fun of it, it would make her laugh even harder.  And I was able to do that. That was me, and that was true. It pains me that I will never do that with her in the bed again... . but I forgive her.

It's not that way anymore... . it never will be.  I know that.  The day before Thanksgiving, I did something that triggered her abandonment.  I had no idea about this disorder than, and I certainly did not know about the consequences of what I was doing. She was living with her sister, she had moved out in September.  In October she calls to reconcile.  Catch her in a lie a week later about being at a concert, and I began to get irrational, jealous, and controlling. I tell her to come home before the holidays, I demand it actually, you see because I "needed" this relationship just as much as she did.  She didn't, she was scared, but I know she wanted to.  I gave up, I changed the locks on the door, I started texting with a woman to try and make her jealous.  Left my phone out on purpose at the coffee house while I went to the restroom, just so she could read it. Maybe, sub-consciously, I was done.  I forgive myself, and I still forgive her.

Three weeks later, I catch her in my replacement's SUV on x mas eve night.  She knew I would never take her back after this... . she knew I was done.  It had happened before long long ago, before my son was even born, and I told her if I ever found out about another guy, I was done.  And this time I meant it... . I forgive her.

But, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I was her first choice.  I know now, that there is no man on the face of this earth that knows more about her than me. And I know she knows this, as well.  I was and always will be her first choice.  My replacement has her now; but there is no doubt in my mind, who she knows she has lost.  I was her choice for as long as this disorder could let it be, you see?  If she wanted him... . truly wanted him, she would have been gone long ago.  Years and years and years ago.  Before our son was even born. 

You see, there is an eight year old little boy, sound asleep right now dreaming about the day he is going to have with his father tomorrow and the next day.  A day he is going to remember, a relationship he is going to have in the future. I AM his only hope. I want my boy to grow into a man that loves women, treats them with respect, and a man that doesn't hate anyone. Including his mother. He is going to learn that from me. I am going to start praying for her.  Everyday.  I am going to start praying for her happiness, inner peace, and joy.  I am going to start praying for everything I want... . I will start praying for her.  That she receives it.  I will no longer be a part of the problem.  I will no longer bash this disorder, I cannot.  Ya'll my son's mother suffers from a disorder, and if I bash her, then I bash half of him.  I am in tears now as I write this, not because I am sad, but because I see the truth, and I can see the truth in the way I handled this relationship, how I handled the breakup, how I, myself, did my own smear campaign towards her. I forgive myself and I still forgiv her. 

I see why in her world, she needed to lie about the false allegations of abuse, how she needed to tell the world about my drinking (because the drinking WAS INDEED true), how she needed to save face to keep up the facade of being a good mother.  I see it all, it is plain as day.  She needed to do all these things, ya'll... . she needed to do all of this, yes, in many ways, evil things to me.  Her son's father, she needed to file false restraining orders that get shot down when we go to court, she needs to tell people how crazy I am, her and her replacement need to continue to try and destroy me through any means necessary... . she needs to do this to survive.  And I already forgive her for the next time she tries.  It's already done.  My heart has changed, you see, ya'll.  It's mending.  It's growing and growing... . it's  getting rid of the layers and layers of scar tissue, and it's replacing it with new layers of goodness.  I don't hate her anymore ya'll... . I can no longer do that.  I no longer WILL do that. Who would I be today, if some old guy, smoking a cigarette, drinking a coffee at a church off the beaten path, didn't take a chance on this drunk?  Where would I be if the loving hand of God was there that night, through the action of another man... . when he said, "Welcome! My name's Charlie... . "

You see the war is over... . nobody wins.  I threw my guns down, ya'll.  Ain't picking them back up either.  Walking away, letting the dust settle, and from this day forward, I am going to quit fighting her or anything else on this earth for that matter.  Protect myself?  Yes!  Fight?  Nah!  I think we all have to remember that.  We can help each other, we can help these hurt people with this disorder, we can help the children of these failed relationships. We can all help one another, we can all be at peace. 

For the first time in my life, I want to love the world, its people including my son's mother.  I know I can never be with her again, but love is an action, and I must show it... . not feel it.

For the love of mankind, the people about us, one another, and all of those we have loved afflicted with this disorder, let us show compassion, grace, and service to one another always.

But dammit, nobody has EVER made her laugh like I do... . and she's right about that! 

  Love all of you, and thank you


Arn

[arn131arn]

Well, Guys. 

I think this may be it for me. I don't want to say that I will be gone for good, but I can no longer hang around these boards much longer and expect to get myself in the right place spiritually. I can post, I can share, I can read and understand, but some events have developed recently, some truths discovered, and some light has been cast.  In AA, there is a saying, "more will be revealed."  And I can say, coming out of the FOG, there have been discoveries about myself that I need to work on, truths about myself and my relationship with her that I need to deal with, and that is what I need to move toward.  A truth about myself, a day-to-day plan of action that is going to relieve me from the pain that I am in.  I had my weekly Friday visit with my P today, and we both decided a break from the bpdfamily website may be in order.  Maybe, once a month, to check in with friends I have made, and let the ones I have grown to love know how I am doing, and give the newcomer some hope. 

She is no longer my exBPD or myBPD or pscyhopath, or looney bird.  She is my son's mother, a human being that I loved for a long long time, a woman that I am okay with loving until the day I die, but I can love from a distance... . and she has a name. And it's not three letters capitalized.

I learned that my replacement has been Triangulation with my son's mother, my fiancee, the woman I tried my best to take care of, the woman I would have laid down and died for, the woman that I damn near died for, he has been around for over a decade. Well, I cannot tell you the pain I am in from hearing that.  I cannot tell you the hurt, despair, the anger towards her family that knew, the deceit, the lies, how everything has come full circle for me the past few weeks.  How I can now comprehend, putting this on a timeline with my P, the past 14 years of our lives. But I forgive her.

It's unfortunate for our son, it's unfortunate for me, it's unfortunate for my son's mother.  A beautiful woman, no doubt.  A wonderfully funny woman, and boy could I make her laugh.  There wasn't a time I could remember that I couldn't do that with his mother.  Often, all it took, was a "james dean" and my blue eyes, or smirk, or tell her something funny to break the mood, and she would laugh hysterically.  She had a funny sounding laugh, and when I would make fun of it, it would make her laugh even harder.  And I was able to do that. That was me, and that was true. It pains me that I will never do that with her in the bed again... . but I forgive her.

It's not that way anymore... . it never will be.  I know that.  The day before Thanksgiving, I did something that triggered her abandonment.  I had no idea about this disorder than, and I certainly did not know about the consequences of what I was doing. She was living with her sister, she had moved out in September.  In October she calls to reconcile.  Catch her in a lie a week later about being at a concert, and I began to get irrational, jealous, and controlling. I tell her to come home before the holidays, I demand it actually, you see because I "needed" this relationship just as much as she did.  She didn't, she was scared, but I know she wanted to.  I gave up, I changed the locks on the door, I started texting with a woman to try and make her jealous.  Left my phone out on purpose at the coffee house while I went to the restroom, just so she could read it. Maybe, sub-consciously, I was done.  I forgive myself, and I still forgive her.

Three weeks later, I catch her in my replacement's SUV on x mas eve night.  She knew I would never take her back after this... . she knew I was done.  It had happened before long long ago, before my son was even born, and I told her if I ever found out about another guy, I was done.  And this time I meant it... . I forgive her.

But, I know without a shadow of a doubt, that I was her first choice.  I know now, that there is no man on the face of this earth that knows more about her than me. And I know she knows this, as well.  I was and always will be her first choice.  My replacement has her now; but there is no doubt in my mind, who she knows she has lost.  I was her choice for as long as this disorder could let it be, you see?  If she wanted him... . truly wanted him, she would have been gone long ago.  Years and years and years ago.  Before our son was even born. 

You see, there is an eight year old little boy, sound asleep right now dreaming about the day he is going to have with his father tomorrow and the next day.  A day he is going to remember, a relationship he is going to have in the future. I AM his only hope. I want my boy to grow into a man that loves women, treats them with respect, and a man that doesn't hate anyone. Including his mother. He is going to learn that from me. I am going to start praying for her.  Everyday.  I am going to start praying for her happiness, inner peace, and joy.  I am going to start praying for everything I want... . I will start praying for her.  That she receives it.  I will no longer be a part of the problem.  I will no longer bash this disorder, I cannot.  Ya'll my son's mother suffers from a disorder, and if I bash her, then I bash half of him.  I am in tears now as I write this, not because I am sad, but because I see the truth, and I can see the truth in the way I handled this relationship, how I handled the breakup, how I, myself, did my own smear campaign towards her. I forgive myself and I still forgiv her. 

I see why in her world, she needed to lie about the false allegations of abuse, how she needed to tell the world about my drinking (because the drinking WAS INDEED true), how she needed to save face to keep up the facade of being a good mother.  I see it all, it is plain as day.  She needed to do all these things, ya'll... . she needed to do all of this, yes, in many ways, evil things to me.  Her son's father, she needed to file false restraining orders that get shot down when we go to court, she needs to tell people how crazy I am, her and her replacement need to continue to try and destroy me through any means necessary... . she needs to do this to survive.  And I already forgive her for the next time she tries.  It's already done.  My heart has changed, you see, ya'll.  It's mending.  It's growing and growing... . it's  getting rid of the layers and layers of scar tissue, and it's replacing it with new layers of goodness.  I don't hate her anymore ya'll... . I can no longer do that.  I no longer WILL do that. Who would I be today, if some old guy, smoking a cigarette, drinking a coffee at a church off the beaten path, didn't take a chance on this drunk?  Where would I be if the loving hand of God was there that night, through the action of another man... . when he said, "Welcome! My name's Charlie... . "

You see the war is over... . nobody wins.  I threw my guns down, ya'll.  Ain't picking them back up either.  Walking away, letting the dust settle, and from this day forward, I am going to quit fighting her or anything else on this earth for that matter.  Protect myself?  Yes!  Fight?  Nah!  I think we all have to remember that.  We can help each other, we can help these hurt people with this disorder, we can help the children of these failed relationships. We can all help one another, we can all be at peace. 

For the first time in my life, I want to love the world, its people including my son's mother.  I know I can never be with her again, but love is an action, and I must show it... . not feel it.

For the love of mankind, the people about us, one another, and all of those we have loved afflicted with this disorder, let us show compassion, grace, and service to one another always.

But dammit, nobody has EVER made her laugh like I do... . and she's right about that! 

  Love all of you, and thank you


Arn

[heartandwhole]

Arn,

Your post really touched my heart. What a beautiful expression of love and compassion. I understand your needing to take a break from the site, it happened to me, too.  Check in when you feel moved to, we'll be here with open arms.  

[Skip]

She is no longer my exBPD or myBPD or pscyhopath, or looney bird.  She is my son's mother, a human being that I loved for a long long time, a woman that I am okay with loving until the day I die, but I can love from a distance... . and she has a name. And it's not three letters capitalized.

arn131arn,

It's really great to read these words... . see you standing tall and strong.  She is a human being that you loved for a for over a decade.  She is your son's mother and you will be working with her for a lifetime raising your boy.  

It's been a long and hard 2 months.  We all stand firmly and proudly behind you.  

Skip

[DreamGirl]

You're a good dad, arn.

You're a good man.

Thank you so much for sharing this. It takes a lot of strength and courage to do what you're doing, in letting go - in forgiving both yourself and her of some of what just makes us human.

God speed, arn. 

 DreamGirl

[Tausk]

Arn:  

One of the most inspirational post, or many inspirational posts, that I have read on this board.  Everything I read is filled with recovery.  With honest, openminded, willingness, faith... . with also bring, humility, patience, hope.  I believe your will make it.

You are in my thoughts and prayers.  Find the support you need.  AA, Al-Anon, spornsors, HP, 90 in 90, and come back to the board if you need.  Each can provide insight, support, validation and opportunity for service.

You life has meaning.  Victor Fankl who survived the German Concentration Camps wrote a book that is filled with thoughts on meaning.   You have meaning in your life, including your son.  



“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.”

“Everything can be taken from a man but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.”

― Viktor E. Frankl, Man's Search for Meaning

[Cimbaruns]

Such a wonderfully written post Arn... .

I felt each and every word that you wrote and it was heart filled and touching.

Your son is very lucky to have you as a father...

I wish you peace going forward with all of these feelings you have expressed

You truly express the most love filled compassion anyone could feel...

You are definately on the path to which will bring you peace

Hugs to you and your son 

[Surnia]

A very touching and insightful post, arn.

Thank you so much for sharing it.

I really wish you well, for all your plans and ideas and and most of all for you and your son!

I can understand your decision - would great to hear from you from time to time.

[fromheeltoheal]

"how everything has come full circle for me the past few weeks."

Wow arn!  Yes it certainly has, and good for you man!  As recently as the holiday season you were in a very different place; major growth spurt these last couple of months, and recent events have allowed you to shift even further.  I'm very happy and proud of you man, and may things just keep getting better, it's been an honor knowing you.  Take care of you!

[myself]

Great post, Arn. Happy for you. Acceptance goes a long long way.

Remember that this will come in stages. There will be times when you reach a plateau, a step or twelve forwards, an occasional step back. Keep moving! Come back here when you need to. Keep talking with your T, your sister, friends. Keep the focus on how you are becoming a better person. How that improves your whole life from now on.

Knowing you will make your son laugh! One of the most healing sounds around.

[seeking balance]

Arn,

Thank you for sharing your shift in perspective.  Good stuff to work with moving forward.

Peace,

SB

[arn131arn]

Thank you, thank you, thank you. To everyone I have met on this site, I wish you all the best. I can never repay my debt to you all, and I WILL talk with you again. Sometimes we finally know the answer only when we quit having to ask the questions. I've read everything and anything about this disorder, asked you millions of questions, and I now seek my own questions, I turn inward for my own truth. It's a leap of faith, and I am scared to death, but faith makes things happy... . not easy. Until we meet again, what a long strange trip it's been... . Arn