Why does he keep returning saying I love you and then running?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I developed many theories about why my walked out on a 12 year relationship and two kids. Greener grass, early midlife crisis, stress . . . What i still struggle with as we move into 9 months of separation is why he kept coming back as if he'd "seen the light". He left for a young girl and broke up with her about 5 times. He moved her in, introduced her to the kids, kicked her out 4 months later and ran right back. Each time he did this he was telling me he loved me, that he wanted to come home etc. Etc.  I thought maybe he kept me as a back up plan, or for intimate things in his impulsive ways. The last time was exactly one month ago and he said he wanted to let his wall down and be close and be best friends. He asked where his wedding rings were. He even happily told mutual friends he had gotten rid of the other girl. Four days later they were watching a movie together and he has acted mad at me ever since and barely communicates about the kids. Why does it seem so genuine and real in the moment? Is it impulsive thoughts and he misses me for a minute . . . Does he really believe it in the moment but then changes his mind? This last time I actually felt sad for him cause the girl went crazy texting him that she was going to ruin his life, his job and he left my place to go "give her ___" and I never saw him again. Then he said goodbye in a text and I bawled. For months as he bounced back and forth he would never say goodbye, I thought he was lost. What is this recycling business about. How do u let go of that small wish that they still want you (even though its wrong on so many levels). The back and forth really killed me!

[elmyem]

I developed many theories about why my walked out on a 12 year relationship and two kids. Greener grass, early midlife crisis, stress . . . What i still struggle with as we move into 9 months of separation is why he kept coming back as if he'd "seen the light". He left for a young girl and broke up with her about 5 times. He moved her in, introduced her to the kids, kicked her out 4 months later and ran right back. Each time he did this he was telling me he loved me, that he wanted to come home etc. Etc.  I thought maybe he kept me as a back up plan, or for intimate things in his impulsive ways. The last time was exactly one month ago and he said he wanted to let his wall down and be close and be best friends. He asked where his wedding rings were. He even happily told mutual friends he had gotten rid of the other girl. Four days later they were watching a movie together and he has acted mad at me ever since and barely communicates about the kids. Why does it seem so genuine and real in the moment? Is it impulsive thoughts and he misses me for a minute . . . Does he really believe it in the moment but then changes his mind? This last time I actually felt sad for him cause the girl went crazy texting him that she was going to ruin his life, his job and he left my place to go "give her ___" and I never saw him again. Then he said goodbye in a text and I bawled. For months as he bounced back and forth he would never say goodbye, I thought he was lost. What is this recycling business about. How do u let go of that small wish that they still want you (even though its wrong on so many levels). The back and forth really killed me!

[elmyem]

First sentence should say my ex uBPD

[Waifed]

So sorry you are going through this. He may feel it when he says it. He is likely using you to soothe himself when he is down. Unfortunately you are probably a trigger to him and once this happens actions by both of you are amped up more during each recycle until things are totally dysfunctional.  Read,read, read as it will help you process things. You have a lot invested with him. That must be so difficult. Hang in there and try to stay active on here. It really does help.

[Turkish]

I developed many theories about why my walked out on a 12 year relationship and two kids. Greener grass, early midlife crisis, stress . . . What i still struggle with as we move into 9 months of separation is why he kept coming back as if he'd "seen the light". He left for a young girl and broke up with her about 5 times. He moved her in, introduced her to the kids, kicked her out 4 months later and ran right back. Each time he did this he was telling me he loved me, that he wanted to come home etc. Etc.  I thought maybe he kept me as a back up plan, or for intimate things in his impulsive ways. The last time was exactly one month ago and he said he wanted to let his wall down and be close and be best friends. He asked where his wedding rings were. He even happily told mutual friends he had gotten rid of the other girl. Four days later they were watching a movie together and he has acted mad at me ever since and barely communicates about the kids. Why does it seem so genuine and real in the moment? Is it impulsive thoughts and he misses me for a minute . . . Does he really believe it in the moment but then changes his mind? This last time I actually felt sad for him cause the girl went crazy texting him that she was going to ruin his life, his job and he left my place to go "give her ___" and I never saw him again. Then he said goodbye in a text and I bawled. For months as he bounced back and forth he would never say goodbye, I thought he was lost. What is this recycling business about. How do u let go of that small wish that they still want you (even though its wrong on so many levels). The back and forth really killed me!

Hi elyem, of course it killed you inside. It's being abandoned again and again. Tearing the old wounds afresh. I'm sorry that happened to you. Here is a perspective piece on recycling. Maybe it can help you:

US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

"It is hard for us to understand why our partner is expressing an interest after they left in a torrent of bad behavior (e.g., cheating, raging and telling us that we are a horrible people).  "If they don't love me, why this?"  The answer is much of the same reasons as we have... . plus a few others that are related to the disorder.

    Inability to deal with acute loneliness

    Severe insecurity / needing validation (from someone that highly values them)

    Shame / wanting to prove they are a good person (to us or themselves)

    Immaturity/Manipulation/Control - the break-up was just a way to get their way.

[seeking balance]

  to Leaving Board

Fundamental to the disorder, "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me" mindset. 

Article 9 - https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

10 False Beliefs that keep us stuck - this is actually one of them.

10) Belief that they have seen the light

Your partner may suddenly be on their best behavior or appearing very needy and trying to entice you back into the relationship. You, hoping that they are finally seeing things your way or really needing you, may venture back in – or you may struggle mightily to stay away.

What is this all about?

Well, at the end of any relationship there can be a series of breakups and make-ups – disengaging is often a process, not an event.

However when this process becomes protracted, it becomes toxic. At the end of a “BPD” relationship, this can happen. The emotional needs that fueled the relationship bond initially, are now fueling a convoluted disengagement as one or both partners struggle against their deep enmeshment with the other and their internal conflicts about the break up.

Once we get into the push/pull dynamic, extracting ourselves is quite challenging... . do you happen to have a T for yourself to help process all the emotions?

Peace,

SB

[elmyem]

So helpful, thank you for the responses. At Turkish: some of the other characteristics of the disorder listed in your reply really hit home. Some of the same reasons he left seem to be the same things that stood in his way of coming back. He has said a million times that he hates being alone, that he doesn't trust women cause he thinks they will leave him like his mother did, and that when he would come back around me he would get scared of being hurt and he felt ashamed and didn't want to face what he had done, and he admitted to calling me when he had the kids cause he was worried I was moving on (control).

its been hard for me to accept that I can't help him and I'm grieving that dream of a family life with him and the kids. I should probably talk with a counselor. Reading these boards has helped me understand I tried my best but that this is about his struggles and lack of skills/emotion regulation. I always wonder if he'll ever regret this or ever appreciate what he had. I keep reminding myself that he is just one person. He doesn't determine my worth. Maybe he will never regret anything and I will hopefully be ok with that some day.

[Turkish]

So helpful, thank you for the responses. At Turkish: some of the other characteristics of the disorder listed in your reply really hit home. Some of the same reasons he left seem to be the same things that stood in his way of coming back. He has said a million times that he hates being alone, that he doesn't trust women cause he thinks they will leave him like his mother did, and that when he would come back around me he would get scared of being hurt and he felt ashamed and didn't want to face what he had done, and he admitted to calling me when he had the kids cause he was worried I was moving on (control).

its been hard for me to accept that I can't help him and I'm grieving that dream of a family life with him and the kids.

Hi,yes, mine needed constant validation (especially during rages, which triggered my own FOO issues), and hates being alone. What you said is what I am still having the most trouble with... it was my one dream, and it was ripped from my heart, horribly.

I keep reminding myself that he is just one person. He doesn't determine my worth.

No he doesn't. You do. Remember that.

[love4meNOTu]

its been hard for me to accept that I can't help him and I'm grieving that dream of a family life with him and the kids. I should probably talk with a counselor. Reading these boards has helped me understand I tried my best but that this is about his struggles and lack of skills/emotion regulation. I always wonder if he'll ever regret this or ever appreciate what he had. I keep reminding myself that he is just one person. He doesn't determine my worth. Maybe he will never regret anything and I will hopefully be ok with that some day.

Elmyem... you really hit the nail on the head with this sentence. You are waayyy further along than I was when I first came here. Accepting that our loved one is disordered is tough. Accepting that they do not feel the same way that we do, well that's the toughest thing I've ever done.

Maybe our exes will never regret anything, we will never know one way or the other. And maybe that's for the best.

All I know is that you have a wonderful family, so do I, and we have a lot to look forward to. Stay strong, forgive him if you can someday. He's really pathetic.

L

[elmyem]

Thanks for this. I always knew something was off with him but it wasn't until his last recycle and discovering these boards that I accepted he has a disorder. I can read articles, understand his behavior in my head, but my heart is lagging way behind my brain. Thanks for reminding me I have a great family. I do! And wonderful friends and extended family. I've got everything I need and hopefully the future holds some exciting new love when I'm ready. I didn't want this to be our story, but I'm an optimist at heart and i have the skills, love, ability and smarts to write the next chapter of my own story. I plan to write a good one

[love4meNOTu]

Yes, I know this isn't what you had planned. It isn't what I had planned either.

I love that you realize this isn't the end. Because it isn't. Are we dead yet? I don't think so. I feel sorry that he has lost a wonderful woman like you, and the opportunity to watch his children grow up and become their own people.

He's lost so much because of this disorder.

You however, will get better. He won't.

L

[Octoberfest]

These things are very hard to understand and accept.  When you love someone, you are bound to them... . I ceased to feel like an individual.  It was my BPDex and I, not just I, when I was making decisions, planning, contemplating, worrying, stressing, being happy, etc... . and that was in a relationship only 9 months long! I can't imagine a marriage of many years.  When our partners engage in these behaviors, I think it is very easy to forget that it is THEM making these choices.  I think the attachment I mentioned earlier goes both ways; because I felt that my BPDex was so linked to my thoughts and my decisions, I assumed that I must be to hers as well.  So when she went and lied, or cheated, or did whatever other destructive things, I took that as a reflection of myself as well, not just her.  

As you detach it gets easier and easier to see that your BPDex's behavior is just that; your BPDex's.  It is not a reflection of you, of your worth, or of what you are worthy of.  It is a sad, scared, disordered individual who cannot stand to be alone doing whatever they must to ensure that AT THAT VERY MOMENT, they are not alone. What will they do in the next moment? Who knows... . whatever they must, given the circumstances they find themselves in (and this can be as simple as where they are geographically) to not feel alone.

[elmyem]

You guys really have no idea how helpful your responses and encouragement are. Its a huge loss for me but in a weird way I am glad that i was able to give him 12 of probably the most stable years of his life. I really did love him to his bones, faults and all (no ones perfect). As for me I'm 31 years young and some day soon some guy is going to want to shake my exes hand and thank him for letting me go

[love4meNOTu]

You know, it's funny you said that. That you provided him with the 12 most stable years of his life.

I did the same. I gave my exhusband all the love I had to give for two years. I got him to go to the doctor for the first time in eight years. Never got him to go to the dentist though...

My dad told me the other day that I should be proud of myself, that I did my best with my exhusband. And you know what, he's right, I did. My ex's behavior I can't say that I will ever understand that, especially the projection, but I accept it. It's his behavior. His disorder. He can't regulate his emotions, and to him, feelings are facts. So if he felt I was betraying him or cheating on him, it was true. Because he felt it was so.

That's the kind of logic I wil not miss. That I do not ever want in my life again.

Phew. Thanks for letting me vent.

[Ironmanrises]

I hate you, dont leave me. That is why.

[elmyem]

Love4meNOT: I got mine to the dentist for the first time in 11 years haha . . .  And my mom said to me once that my ex has no idea that he got to where he was because of my stability, support and love. She felt angry that he didn't appreciate what he had. I told her that I knew the worth of what he had and that we give our love because it comes from our heart and not for recognition. I am trying to let go of the the idea that he will some day say sorry or thank you. I'm trying hard to remind myself of this quote: " a setback is only a setup for a comeback".  When I figure out how to get my mind off him I look forward to spreading my wings and feeling free. I think I always felt like he was holding me back from the life and love I wanted. Good luck to you on your journey. We are awesome!

[GreenMango]

some day soon some guy is going to want to shake my exes hand and thank him for letting me go  

This is a really beautiful statement.