Setting Boundaries

[Depression = 72% of members]

I really struggle with setting/keeping appropriate boundaries with my BPD spouse.  Does anyone have advice on how I go about doing that?

[Kalidjah]

I really struggle with setting/keeping appropriate boundaries with my BPD spouse.  Does anyone have advice on how I go about doing that?

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RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

I wish I could tell you! We tried having her set up the boundaries, and having her log them on an online journal, so she would be less likely to break them because she built them (using kid logic sometimes works for BPDs), also we had written proof, etc.



Yeaaaaah she just broke them all as soon as she possibly could. :/

[formflier]

So after breaking them... . and calming down... . what did she say about that... . how did that go?

I wish I could tell you! We tried having her set up the boundaries, and having her log them on an online journal, so she would be less likely to break them because she built them (using kid logic sometimes works for BPDs), also we had written proof, etc.



Yeaaaaah she just broke them all as soon as she possibly could. :/

[allibaba]

Kalidjah,

There are articles about boundaries in the lessons on the right (section 3 tools).

My personal experience with boundaries is that I started with small stuff and worked my way into the bigger stuff as I got stronger. 

Maybe give an example of something that you are struggling with and people can weigh in on effective boundary setting.

I started with verbal abuse and here is the post that got me started:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=200881.0

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

So after breaking them... . and calming down... . what did she say about that... . how did that go?

I wish I could tell you! We tried having her set up the boundaries, and having her log them on an online journal, so she would be less likely to break them because she built them (using kid logic sometimes works for BPDs), also we had written proof, etc.



Yeaaaaah she just broke them all as soon as she possibly could. :/

Hahahahah she said "I didnt even realize I did anything wrong until you told me"

When her boundaries were no getting physical with other people, check in with me while at this hotel party via text, no getting too drunk. I went too, she left our shared room at 11pm "for an hour" to hang with friends, promised to come back in an hour. Stayed out till 6 am, got wasted, cuddled in bed with another girl, not a freaking single text keeping me updated. She broke EVERY. SINGLE. THING. SHE. SAID. AND SHE IS THE ONE WHO MADE THESE BOUNDARIES UP FOR HERSELF! If you cant be accountable to yourself, you cant be accountable to another person. She was so fking emotionally STUPID that she didnt even realize she screwed up until I confronted her. Its absolutely unbelievable. There was absolutely NO making this girl attach meaning to her actions and words. Emotionally retarded. Amazing.

Sorry for the anger contained in this post, it was one of the more upsetting things that happened, and Im a super rational, logical, reasonable person, so if someone promises something to me, I have no reason to assume they wouldnt keep it, I tried rationalizing her actions when there was nothing to rationalize, so stupid.

[an0ught]

Hi Kalidjah,

I really struggle with setting/keeping appropriate boundaries with my BPD spouse.  Does anyone have advice on how I go about doing that?

can you give examples where you struggle the most?