help me stop feeling powerless

[vanillabear]

Hey everyone. I'm deciding whether to stay or leave my BPD SO, but I was told this was a very helpful and supportive board. I'd like to see what you have to say.

I'll try to be brief and descriptive at the same time. I'm a university student and so is my bf, who I've been with for 2 years (in which time his issues with anger/accusations/controlling have gotten much worse). I care for him and we've been through a ton, but in doing so I'm beginning to see that my self-care is sort of going down the drain.

I've noticed that he is very controlling -- I don't feel like I can be separate from him doing my own thing for an hour or two without infuriating him. He makes snide remarks about my clothes/classes/interests, and tells me what to do with things that should be my decision. He also likes to put me down; telling friends embarrassing things about me, making mean remarks about things I'm sensitive about, speaks over me, etc. I have my own struggles with depression/OCD and once when I tried to tell him about it he said "Well, go to a mental hospital then. I don't know."

He's not this bad or unsupportive all the time, but individual episodes and quiet little trends really wear on me. I'm sure you all might be familiar with that. These two tendencies (controlling and putting down) leave me feeling very weak and powerless. How do I take some of that power back? How do I make sure to care for myself during all of this? How do I differentiate between BPD behavior and emotional abuse?

Thank you, let me know if you need clarification on anything.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[Chosen]

Hi vanillabear  ,

It can be really difficult to take power back when you're used to giving to all to a pwBPD.  Remember, this sort of person can be very controlling and manipulative, I don't believe it's on purpose, but they just do whatever they "need" to make them feel secure, because many pwBPDs are deeply insecure with themselves.

I felt powerless for a long time, and during that period things didn't improve.  First, I will encourage you to read the Lessons -------------> on your right, to understand more about being in a relationship with a pwBPD, as well as the cycles you can anticipate.  If you still choose to be in such a relationship (remember, it IS a choice, you're not stuck.  You can't expect that person to change but you can leave), you will have to learn how to deal with the cycle.

You mentioned that you have/ had depression.  I would imagine that to be very difficult being with a pwBPD, because they do then to put us down.  I would encourage you to seek validation for yourself elsewhere (friends? family?) and not rely on your pwBPD.  You have to have a healthy sense of self before you can tackle communication with a pwBPD, because they are NOT mature enough to handle themselves and you.  When you have a more solid sense of self, which is not based on what the pwBPD says about you, you will feel more empowered. 

The power is within you- you just have to be brave enough to enforce it.

Take care and hope you find the Lessons useful 

[MissTajo]

I think that what Chosen wrote is very helpfull.

I also strugle with OCD and depression and having a BPD bf is very challenging. (Its challeging even for a "normal" person) So with us, its even harder.

First of all: Do you have therapy for your OCD? Do you take medication for it? And for the depression also?

If you don't, please find a nice therapist because you need to talk about this stuff.

Try and be the bigger person when he has his "episodes", to be the mature one, because they do become mean babies. Talk calmly, slownly. Don't answer to it with rage too.

Take care of your mind first. You must be your priority, always. 

[vanillabear]

Thank you both. I just discovered this site a few days and I'll be sure to work through all the lessons.

I think you're both right that I need to work on my own sense of self if this has any chance of working. I do not take medication for either the OCD or the depression, but I saw a therapist weekly until this semester (little $$$ and time). I need to prioritize myself like MissTajo said and pick that back up.

I also have only begun to reach out to friends about our struggle, because for the past year or so I've been covering up that this has been happening. I need to use the support network that is out there waiting for me.

Thanks again.