how to handle a NO-functioning BPD ?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

hello,

I have been posting here before as "triskina". officially I should post in the leaving section since I'm no longer involved in a romantic relationship with my ex muBPd, but I'm still very much involved "practically" and emotionally... .  

it would be of great help to me to hear some advice of you as "experienced" partners on how you handle a low-functioning BPD who is actually NOT functioning at all... .

a few examples:

- during the last years my ex got himself totally out of any social or security system whatsoever: he has no income allready for more than six months (he is using his last savings but they will soon be gone), he has no house (he lives everywhere and nowhere, paying so-called friends for a room, but usely after a couple of months he gets kicked-out) , he has no official adress, he has no job (he is too depressed and addicted to even think about it, the only thing he does is playing computergames, watching movies and blowing), he is struggling very hard with an alcohol- and weed addiction (he went to the hospital to become sober, and it worked but after 10 days they let him go, with no aftercare at all), etc.

- emotionally he is a wreck: he can't get over me, he's angry at his stephmother, although it's the only person who really cares for him, he's got strong issues with his brothers and friends, whom he hates and loves at the same time (I cannot tell with certainty, but I suspect BPD or BPD -traits in both his twin brother and his older brother as well)

THE PROBLEM IS THIS: HE DOES NOT COÔPERATE IN ANY WAY TO GET HIS PRACTICAL PROBLEMS SOLVED, he's like paralised   :'(

both me and his stephmom work together to try to make him "move", to look for a house, to go to the social security office, to go to the doctor,...

sometimes we can convince him to make an appointment, but when it comes to the point, he doesn't show up, he doesn't answer the phone, he's still asleep when he should be showing up,... . it's utterly frustrating: he's got people who want to help, there are social security organisations who could help, but he just let it all slip away!

how can we motivate him, what can we say or do to stimulate him ?

[lemon flower]

hello,

I have been posting here before as "triskina". officially I should post in the leaving section since I'm no longer involved in a romantic relationship with my ex muBPd, but I'm still very much involved "practically" and emotionally... .  

it would be of great help to me to hear some advice of you as "experienced" partners on how you handle a low-functioning BPD who is actually NOT functioning at all... .

a few examples:

- during the last years my ex got himself totally out of any social or security system whatsoever: he has no income allready for more than six months (he is using his last savings but they will soon be gone), he has no house (he lives everywhere and nowhere, paying so-called friends for a room, but usely after a couple of months he gets kicked-out) , he has no official adress, he has no job (he is too depressed and addicted to even think about it, the only thing he does is playing computergames, watching movies and blowing), he is struggling very hard with an alcohol- and weed addiction (he went to the hospital to become sober, and it worked but after 10 days they let him go, with no aftercare at all), etc.

- emotionally he is a wreck: he can't get over me, he's angry at his stephmother, although it's the only person who really cares for him, he's got strong issues with his brothers and friends, whom he hates and loves at the same time (I cannot tell with certainty, but I suspect BPD or BPD -traits in both his twin brother and his older brother as well)

THE PROBLEM IS THIS: HE DOES NOT COÔPERATE IN ANY WAY TO GET HIS PRACTICAL PROBLEMS SOLVED, he's like paralised   :'(

both me and his stephmom work together to try to make him "move", to look for a house, to go to the social security office, to go to the doctor,...

sometimes we can convince him to make an appointment, but when it comes to the point, he doesn't show up, he doesn't answer the phone, he's still asleep when he should be showing up,... . it's utterly frustrating: he's got people who want to help, there are social security organisations who could help, but he just let it all slip away!

how can we motivate him, what can we say or do to stimulate him ?

[lemon flower]

noone ?  

I was thinking these things would sound familiar  to other SO's... . but now I'm thinking maybe this is more a question for the parental boards ? maybe I should move this topic ?

[maxsterling]

I wish I could give you an answer, but it's a tough situation.  My GF I would consider low-functioning, even though her doctors think she is high functioning.  Her therapists suggested she ask me to motivate her by giving her chores, tasks, consequences.  They suggested she may feel more motivated if she felt she was doing something for me.

That idea scares me.  She's the same age as me, and I already feel like a parent in this relationship.  I already feel like her emotions are my responsibility.  Telling her to clean the floor for me while I am at work just feels so wrong like it making the problem worse.  I would feel more comfortable if she was able to motivate herself. 

I wonder if you would have the same fears?  If you successfully motivate him, would you feel okay knowing he is only motivated because of you?  Its obvious you care for him and are concerned for him.  The best suggestions I can offer are to start small, like trying to get him to make the bed.  Take him out to lunch just to get him out of the house.  Maybe ask him to help you with something, even if you really don't need help.  Hopefully if you can just get him doing a few things with others, he may start doing a few things on his own.  And try to not be too judgmental.  I know it's tough sometimes to not play the "tough love" angle. 

Regarding the addictions - he's using them as a crutch.  The substances aren't causing his problems, but they are a symptom of it.  Part of him snapping out of this will require sobriety and re-directing this addiction to something more positive.  It would be nice if you could get him to visit an AA or NA meeting, but in the mean time, have you or your step mom considered Al-Anon or Nar-Anon for yourselves?  Many folks there are dealing with the same problems.

Hang in there, it's tough.

[lemon flower]

Her therapists suggested she ask me to motivate her by giving her chores, tasks, consequences.  They suggested she may feel more motivated if she felt she was doing something for me.

That idea scares me. 

exactly! I'm struggling with this allready since the beginning of our relationship and it became worse since we splitted!

It is scary and unnatural to me and he puts the weight on my shoulders (again) just as he did when we were together.

In this moment I'm the only one who can motivate him a little bit in taking action but only when he sees advantage in it and only because it means he can spend some time with me in that way. 

When he's alone he comes to nothing.

But I have to stay tough and keep to LC: we see each other once or twice a week, and it can't always be around him and his problems, we try to do nice things together and he helps me with some practical things in my home, so far this works :-)

But when the time comes (soon!) that he will run completely out of money he will be on the street and than the real trouble will start again  :'(

He can't stay at his stephmom's place because her husband doesn't tolerate him so I will be his first target, no doubt... . But it is absolutely out of the question that he comes to live with me again, I simply can't handle that, and the situation will escalate in no time !

[Haye]

Triss, is your ex in therapy? Does he have any medical help, or er any kind of help outside you, his stepmom and couple of friends? Is it  possible to get him into some sort of "half-way-house" ie a place for people recovering from mental illness or an addiction (i'm sorry i'm not familiar with the terms)? I don't konw what kind of services are available to you, but it sounds he is not able to take care of himself? I find it sad that his stepmom's new spouse doesn't tolerate him. Yes it's understandable, BPDs can be so difficult, I wish he could see the non-functioning BPD like he would be considering someone very sick with a hot fever – and then rethink if he really wants this person to be out on his own. It would be humane for your stepmom and her family to try to see your ex is getting help as you, still having emotions with him and having had an intimate relationship, are in a risk of being pulled down along with him.

I took my SO back basically to see he is not out on the streets on his own (in a very non-functioning condition) when what he had planned and worked for after we split fell apart. I knew that he is likely to fall in the pitch soon, unable to see any other solution except suicide. My intention was not to get back with him relationshipwise... . But, staying in the same house with still being emotionally very much hooked, doing stuff together, me comforting him... . Well yeah it soon lead into a new ride at the roller coaster.

[KateCat]

THE PROBLEM IS THIS: HE DOES NOT COÔPERATE IN ANY WAY TO GET HIS PRACTICAL PROBLEMS SOLVED

Greetings, Triskina:

Much reading on this forum has helped me to see situations like this differently. Channeling the wisdom of this community, I would now say that right now your friend seems to have all his needs met and few practical problems. He has food, clothing, shelter, alcohol, entertainment, access to drugs, and the benevolent attention of at least two women.

Things may need to become more challenging for him in order for him to wish to change.

[lemon flower]

THE PROBLEM IS THIS: HE DOES NOT COÔPERATE IN ANY WAY TO GET HIS PRACTICAL PROBLEMS SOLVED

Greetings, Triskina:

Much reading on this forum has helped me to see situations like this differently. Channeling the wisdom of this community, I would now say that right now your friend seems to have all his needs met and few practical problems. He has food, clothing, shelter, alcohol, entertainment, access to drugs, and the benevolent attention of at least two women.

Things may need to become more challenging for him in order for him to wish to change.

hi KateCat,

yes , that is a very accurate point of view  , RIGHT NOW he has what he needs, the moment he'll be out of money, nothing will be left except his two women... .  

so maybe we should just wait until things go worse and hope that he will go looking for help then ? unfortunately by then it'll be allready too late and guess who will be the (unwilling) shelter in the storm... .

[lemon flower]

Haye,

it looks like you know what I meant: you took your SO back because he was homeless and now you've been recycled ? is that what you said ?

well, that is one of the things i wish to avoid, and secundly I really can't have him in my house longer than a couple days, after all we've been through I don't trust him anymore and he completely takes over my life when he lives with me: I simply can't relax when he's around all the time :-(

about him: he is undiagnosed (?) (actually he does have a psychiatric file allready a couple of years but he doesn't know what's in it and he prefers to think that he's bipolar) and he is not in therapy.

he went to the hospital one month ago to stop drinking and until now he's sober from alcohol but he smokes tons of weed and I know that he's on the point of drinking again because he recently moved to his brothers place and they're all heavy drinkers there... .

i really don't get it that he doesn't get medical and psychological aid, he really needs it. that's why his mom and I try to get him to look for help, not very succesfully, until now  :'(

but yeah, as mentioned here above maybe we should wait until things get that bad that there's no other option left  

oh yeah , and did I mention allready that above all the problems mentioned he also has a list of police files against him, for causing accidents, driving drunk, not coming to court,... . how long until he ends up in prison ?

[Haye]

WOW Triss, all that sounds so much to deal with 

Haye,

it looks like you know what I meant: you took your SO back because he was homeless and now you've been recycled ? is that what you said ?

Weeeellll, yes. Basically that's what happenend. Though there are differences - him being aware of his condition, motivated to get into therapy etc, and very imporatantly everyday life with my SO is actually very easy. Things are mostly very smooth... . up until _something_ happens, usually me being recycled. (I wrote about this on another, problem is that he doesn't really understand why i would feel dumped when he cuts all physical levels with and starts a monogamous relationship with someone else. As he still has emotions towards me and doesn't want me to disappear from his life).

I know this might sounds harsh, but for some people like your ex sounds, ending up in prison might be the best thing to happen. It depends on so many things, but sometimes it is the first place where he both has access to help and is also willing to take it.

[rollercoaster24]

Hi triss

So sorry to hear you are dealing with this as well, as if life with a BP isn't hard enough, add this all to the mix and its another recipe for disaster.

I could go on, and just did, writing out this long post, but decided to scrap it, and just tell you that I empathise greatly.

My (as of yesterday ex again) BP is homeless, unemployed 5 years, with a history of relying and expecting his parents help, yet at the same time incredibly intelligent, with a degree in his profession, and I am just thinking, WTH?

If you wanna hear some more similarities, let me know, I could go on forever!

Just know that there are a few here who are (really) in the same boat...

[lemon flower]

If you wanna hear some more similarities, let me know, I could go on forever!

Just know that there are a few here who are (really) in the same boat...

  yes, tell me more, it's always comforting to know that there are others who get the picture... .

obviously, the BPD is the cause of this extreme-lowfunctioning and all the additional problems, but in case of my SO I'm sure it's also about his environment... . how to expect someone to do something constructive with his life when he's surrounded with "friends" and family-members who are only dragging him deeper down, yet on the other hand are the only ones who actually can stand to be around him all the time 

and what can I say or do if I can't be the one who gets him out, it's easy for us "sane" persons to come with advises and "help" when we don't have to deal with them 24/24 (anymore)... .

I must say this "adventure" I began sure has learned me a lot about human interactions and the incredible situations that people can get themselves in, half of his family is utterly crazy, last night I spend a night there because I missed my last train home when his brother suddenly started to shouting out loud, and terrorising everyone with some hardcore on volume 20 and fighting with his gf half of the night, for no reason at all