Silent treatment

[Depression = 72% of members]

I know I "employed" the silent treatment a lot.  But not because I was trying to exert control or, in the case of hanging up the phone or even removing myself from the conversation - not to be a jerk... . but because nothing being said is being heard.

My diagnosed wife use to say that all the time.  That I would want to shut down and leave the conversation anytime it got uncomfortable for me and any truths she may be saying go against what vision I have of things.

BUT THEY DID.

I don't know how a person can sit and blatently lie about a situation, get called on it - refuse to listen to the facts - argue that what they did wasn't what it looks like... . only to then - later - come clean and say it was the truth... . but all the while say I'm the jerk because what is being said makes no sense.

That's a double FU!

But if it happens once, it surely can't happen again.  Right?  Nope.  Happened every single time.  So if I shut the conversation down and remove myself from the chaos, I'm somehow an abuser?  That's rich.

I'm replaying all the times I had hour long conversations and pulling metaphor after story to try and find a better way to explain what I'm trying to say so she gets it but what I really wanna say is "I'm out the door cause this is crazy" - but I don't go there.  The logic is sound if she can just hear it.

But it never happens.

So... . yeah - there were some shortened conversations ended with a click.  Yeah when the irrational arguments started and the anger is starting to well up and the BS is just flying left and right ... . here comes the click.

Am I a polite gentleman?  Yup.  Then why would I do this?  Because the conversation is moot.  you can't get past the lies, deceit, irrational BS... . proof in hand that something nefarious is going on but she still won't just come clean.  Click.  Only to find out later that what I thought was happening was happening because she is in a "I love you I'm sorry" phase and wants to come clean.

Click.

[woodsposse]

I know I "employed" the silent treatment a lot.  But not because I was trying to exert control or, in the case of hanging up the phone or even removing myself from the conversation - not to be a jerk... . but because nothing being said is being heard.

My diagnosed wife use to say that all the time.  That I would want to shut down and leave the conversation anytime it got uncomfortable for me and any truths she may be saying go against what vision I have of things.

BUT THEY DID.

I don't know how a person can sit and blatently lie about a situation, get called on it - refuse to listen to the facts - argue that what they did wasn't what it looks like... . only to then - later - come clean and say it was the truth... . but all the while say I'm the jerk because what is being said makes no sense.

That's a double FU!

But if it happens once, it surely can't happen again.  Right?  Nope.  Happened every single time.  So if I shut the conversation down and remove myself from the chaos, I'm somehow an abuser?  That's rich.

I'm replaying all the times I had hour long conversations and pulling metaphor after story to try and find a better way to explain what I'm trying to say so she gets it but what I really wanna say is "I'm out the door cause this is crazy" - but I don't go there.  The logic is sound if she can just hear it.

But it never happens.

So... . yeah - there were some shortened conversations ended with a click.  Yeah when the irrational arguments started and the anger is starting to well up and the BS is just flying left and right ... . here comes the click.

Am I a polite gentleman?  Yup.  Then why would I do this?  Because the conversation is moot.  you can't get past the lies, deceit, irrational BS... . proof in hand that something nefarious is going on but she still won't just come clean.  Click.  Only to find out later that what I thought was happening was happening because she is in a "I love you I'm sorry" phase and wants to come clean.

Click.

[woodsposse]

My uBPDh uses silence A LOT and just clams up - he won´t talk about anything that has ME in it: he´ll talk about the car, the kids, the dog that needs a bath, the food that isn´t quite tasty enough, but when it comes to my feelings, wants or dreams... . silence. Then if i push - WHAM! I get it bad. I get the whole - "you just had to bring it up, didn´t you!" As if talking about myself as some kind of taboo in our house.

WOW... . same thing here.  But I got hit from all sides.

First - I'm a pretty outgoing person, love to talk, love to be "out there".  I have been excited for a lot of years because of the music I do - or my comedy websites - or my interest in video production (and I'm pretty damn good at what I do).  But heaven forbid I want to focus any attention on me. 

If we are not talking about her... . her needs... . her ups... . her downs... . then anything else is selfish.  Everything else I did revolved around her and our children.  Of course I want to talk about all of them - and I thought for a time there was a very nice balance going on between all of us.

Boy was I wrong.

Let me get excited about something that happened at work and I don't hear the end of how selfish I am because I want to talk about me.  So, I put me on the back burner and talk about her... . and wait for my turn which never comes.  So I talk about me and BAMM... . shut down because I'm being selfish.

But if I shut down and don't talk about anything - BAAMMM - silent treatment verbal abuse.

No happy medium.  No one cares about what I did as long as their wants and needs are being met.

Yes there were tokens and it wsn't like living in a vacuum... . but come on.  This isn't right.

And of course it's not right - because it's not right.

[heartandwhole]

The logic is sound if she can just hear it.

But it never happens.

No, it doesn't.  Most likely because what is "logical" to you just isn't to her.  It's so frustrating, and I think many of us have trouble wrapping our heads around this.  You are definitely not alone, woods posse.  This is where radical acceptance can be very helpful.  

Let me get excited about something that happened at work and I don't hear the end of how selfish I am because I want to talk about me.  So, I put me on the back burner and talk about her... . and wait for my turn which never comes.  So I talk about me and BAMM... . shut down because I'm being selfish.

I'm with you woods, I remember that happening in my relationship, and it was very painful.  I just couldn't put myself on the back burner anymore, because it was hurting me – he had my consent, I volunteered to put his feelings first and mine second, so I had to leave and accept that that coping strategy that wasn't working anymore.

[woodsposse]

Thank you for the reply.  I keep coming back to here because I keep finding I need the reassurance that I'm not (and wasn't) going crazy.

Talk to me about Radical Acceptance

[heartandwhole]

Hi woods posse,

Radical acceptance is about accepting the reality of what is, and what you went through.  BPD is a serious mental disorder.  A person with BPD often doesn't see the world in the same way you and I do.  Maladaptive coping mechanisms are still running the emotional life of someone with BPD, and it takes a firm commitment and targeted therapy to help manage those patterns.  All that takes time and dedication.

We, as "nons," need to accept that we also have maladaptive coping skills that are not appropriate in our adult relationships.  We have wounds, too, and if we want fulfilling relationships, we need to look at those and compassionately assess our situation.  

We all have our stuff to work on, it's part of life.  I personally don't want to "eradicate" anything, I let the work do that for me, while practicing compassion and feeling what is there.  Things really do change when we accept our responsibility, though it's sometimes easier to throw it off onto the other person.  And absolutely, our partners are responsible for their actions, too.  

Ultimately, the quality of our emotional life rests in our hands.  

Radical Acceptance for family members

[Tolou]

WoodsPosse-

You are not crazy... . I went through the same thingds and feelings and still do sometimes because I have to see her at work everyday, I went complete N.C. for almost 8 months now... . Started to think to myself, I am crazy, mean etc... . people thought I was irrational and anti-social... . but nothing I said was getting threw to her, she just didnt get it, irrational behaviors and thoughts, unless of course I complied it was like I was talking to a kid.  Silent treatment is not abusive if you are doing it for your own health and emotional safety.

HeartHand... . thanks for making ratical acceptance more clear... . great post! from both... .