Is it possible to have a conversation with them about leaving

[Cloudy Days]

Me and my husband are at sort of a crossroads. He was approved this week for his disability that he has been fighting 4 years to get. Before now, he had no way of supporting himself because he really cannot work around people. In the past this is one of the reasons I would never leave, because if I did leave he would have nothing but his stuff and nowhere to go because he could not support himself. I didn't want him hitting rock bottom and attacking me or taking his own life. We have been through our ups and mostly downs. He tells me almost every day that he thinks I am cheating on him and that he wants a divorce. He always says something along the lines of, If you are cheating on me then I want nothing to do with you. I know you are cheating on me so I'm done. He always makes it out to be that I am cheating on him and that is his supposed reason for a divorce. The problem for me is that when we try to sit down and have an honest conversation with each other, if I say anything about agreeing with him on getting a divorce he almost instantly turns it around on me and says that I am cheating and I will get nothing in the house because I am a cheating whore and cheaters don't deserve to get anything. He will explain to me in great detail about how he is tired of living how we do ( I am too) and that the fighting is destroying both of us slowly and making both of us miserable. That he actually loves me but doesn't want this life anymore. Then like I said, I will agree with him because everything he is saying is true. Then he turns on me, even will tell me I will never see the dogs again or that he's going to destroy things. It makes me believe that he is playing mind games with me just to see what I will say if he stays calm long enough for me to respond to him. Most of the time when he is asking for a divorce it is him telling me to pack a bag and leave, it's never thought out and it's usually at 11:00 at night or even 3:00 in the morning. He tells me so frequently that he wants a divorce but he also turns around and will threaten me with all kinds of things if I act like I am going to leave, death threats, destroying things, you name the abusive behavior and he is probably doing it. Anyways, the cross road that we are at is that he is going to get a large chunk of money for his back pay. The plans for it are to buy a house in the country because he is highly triggered by neighbors and we will keep trying to make things work. Or he is going to take his money and figure out where to go by himself, he has been wanting to move out of state and I refuse to do so. He's said so many times though that he doesn't want to spend a dime on me to give me anything because he doesn't trust me, he thinks I am cheating on him and if he did spend money on me he would regret it and whatever it is, it wouldn't be mine if I left so why bother buying it. You can see how this is hurtful to me. He seems to think I am going to try and take his money and his belongings. I don't want anything from him, just my sanity and what actually belongs to me. I just am so confused as to what to do. I don't want to buy a house with him and absolutely nothing change. 

[TwoCents]

My first thought from reading your post is that you need a safety plan.  A simple search on the web can lead you to some details about what you need to do and how to go about it.  Figure out in advance where you can stay, how you will get there and so forth BEFORE you need to react or when things escalate beyond what you can manage.  Hopefully you will never need to enact your safety plan but as I'm fond of telling my kids, "better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it."

[seeking balance]

There is no simple answer to this and twocents is right about having a safety plan.

Fundamentally, when we are in relation (romantic or other) the staying board communication tools are golden - I do hope you continue to use those tools now more than ever.

Bill Eddy - the book Splitting - is really a great resource for understanding how the process can trigger pwBPD. 

Have you spoken to a few attorneys to get a sense of how the divorce process will work in your state?  Many do a free consult.

Do you have outlets for your own mental health besides these boards?  Right now, that is really important also.

Peace,

SB

[Cloudy Days]

Me and my husband actually see the same therapist. He sees her 4 times a month and I see her 2 times a month. I have been wanting to talk to her about it but something has been holding me back. Like if I discuss this with her then it means I am going to leave. It's like I don't want to make the decision and admitting that leaving is ok, means that leaving is probably the only answer. But I still don't necessarily want to leave. I really wish he wouldn't make the death threats because it has caused me to lie to myself about whether or not I want to be in the relationship so I really don't know what I want. I don't know if he is serious about the threats, he says a lot of things to manipulate me and he has admitted to that himself on occasion.

I can go and live with my parents at any moment they would take me in a heartbeat. I could actually even live in their house alone because they just inherited my grandmothers house. I wouldn't feel comfortable living alone though for at least a little while. One of the problems is that we only have one car and his mom is the one paying the payments on it. So it is not my car, this may change soon because of the money. One thing I know is that I do not want to call the cops on him, it's a trigger that will make him come after me and I want to try and keep things as peaceful as possible. Obviously if it comes down to it and I feel my life is in danger I will do it. I was thinking about trying to separate from him without getting an immediate divorce, just to see how things go. He's also said many times that he would just like to have a break. He doesn't trust my parents though so if we do something like that it really would just make him not trust me more so to him it is not an actual option. Also he is always at home, I have packed my stuff many times because he has forced me to in the past and it is an obvious trigger for him. It's a giant mind game to me because he tells me to pack my stuff and leave but when I try to he just gets worse because I am going through with it.

I think ultimately I am still in the BPD fog. I want to get out of it but I don't really know how and I read a lot on here. My confidence is very low at this point, I have not been able to place boundaries because I am honestly afraid of him and his extreme reactions. I've lost so much at this point, I am afraid to make any kind of decisions that would make things worse so I just don't make a decision, but it's really not a way to live.

[Chunk Palumbo]

You're attempting to trust the prison warden with the blue-print of your escape from the very prison he wants to keep you in. Likely a bad idea.

Such talks are usually met with feigned indifference, suicide threats, or extreme withdrawl and/or vengeance. It's best to just have a secret pland and follow through. That's just my experience, though.

[Cloudy Days]

I get the warden reference, I actually do feel like I am in a prison. I guess what is bothering me is that he will want to talk about it. He will be calm, completely calm and tell me he wants me to leave because he can't take this life anymore and it's better for both of us (I agree). He wants to sit down and have an honest conversation about us divorcing. However, when any of my responses hurt him or when the weight of what is actually happening sinks in, he turns on me. He usually wants me to pack my stuff right then, in front of him and then he wants to drive me to my parents house. First of all, when I pack my stuff, he gets angry that I am actually packing. And second, I don't really want to be in a moving vehicle with him if he has it in his mind that I am leaving. He is home at all times, if I am at home he is there so I don't see any way of leaving without him seeing it. 

I think I have my mind made up, things have been so very hard, I just don't know how to go about doing this without it destroying my life more. One thing I know that is holding me back is that I don't want him to hate me. I know that if I leave he will hate me. Why does that bother me so much?  I am also afraid that he's not going to let go of me. I don't want to be stalked and it could seriously happen. I was told by one of his doctors that If I ever left he would probably kill himself (thanks doc). All I know is that he is emotionally unstable as it is, and me leaving is going to rip a hole in him. I am afraid of what it will bring out in him. Yes Fear, it's an obvious reason why I have stayed. How do I leave when there is still so much fear that I can't seem to get over. It's paralyzing fear.

This feels like it is too hard to do. How does anyone get through this? I haven't even left the house yet, how am I suppose to be successful with No Contact when I can't even leave him in the first place.

[KateCat]

I was told by one of his doctors that If I ever left he would probably kill himself (thanks doc).

I was told something very similar, by a psychiatrist, no less.   I guess sometimes they just don't realize the impact they can have by saying this.

Congratulations to your husband for securing his disability status.  Congratulations to you for having had the strength to carry him this far.  And biggest congratulations for knowing that this is a turning point in your road. (Because I strongly believe from reading your posts here that you do know.)

From all the stories I've read here on bpdfamily.com, it seems that the safest, kindest, cleanest way to make these breaks is not to discuss it while the two of you are still under the same roof.

This is a tough time, though, and you may want to ask for additional tips and suggestions (and cautions) on the Separating and Divorcing board.

Wouldn't it be funny if your husband eventually found all this a great liberation too?

[Cloudy Days]

Actually I think what drives me most insane is that he does have moments of clarity. He was so calm yesterday when he was telling me to leave. It was a little frightening because I didn't know what his game was. I feel manipulated even when he may not be trying to manipulate me. I actually called a Domestic Violence Hotline today, I've put it off for a very long time.

I keep wanting to think of him as a sane human being. I want to give him the benefit of the doubt and give him everything to make this easier on him. It's just insane that I feel this way and he does none of the above. He tries to make everything harder for me, makes me second guess everything about myself and then turns around and tells me he loves me.

[KateCat]

Cloudy,

Have you followed this discussion from the Staying board? It might help to ease your mind a bit:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=221077.0  (Note especially the comments by Gopher Agent. They ring very true.)