Lies, lies and more lies

[Depression = 72% of members]

The parents of my uBPDw (separated 2 months) are appearing supportive of my efforts to work through our problems, but they are telling my wife behind my back that she should divorce me.

The mother has at least OCD, and I suspect BPD. One other daughter has BPD, another has bulimia and another cannot speak to people beyond greeting hello, so there is a lot of shame, lying and coverups of all this stuff. In fact through all the months dating my wife and for the first 6 months of our marriage this appeared outwardly as the perfect family. Then all the BPD traits started coming out, and (can you believe it) I wake up 14 years and three kids later like Rip van Winkel.

There is such a convolution of lies and family facades, that I don't know who to trust. I am trying to keep it amicable with them, and let them know what I am doing to help their daughter by using SET and validation etc.

They are a dysfunctional lot and when the family get together it is a bun fight of parading, invalidation, manipulation and mind games.

Besides how I got caught up in this, how do I handle a whole pile of emotionally disordered in laws and make a positive contribution to our marriage?

[Moselle]

The parents of my uBPDw (separated 2 months) are appearing supportive of my efforts to work through our problems, but they are telling my wife behind my back that she should divorce me.

The mother has at least OCD, and I suspect BPD. One other daughter has BPD, another has bulimia and another cannot speak to people beyond greeting hello, so there is a lot of shame, lying and coverups of all this stuff. In fact through all the months dating my wife and for the first 6 months of our marriage this appeared outwardly as the perfect family. Then all the BPD traits started coming out, and (can you believe it) I wake up 14 years and three kids later like Rip van Winkel.

There is such a convolution of lies and family facades, that I don't know who to trust. I am trying to keep it amicable with them, and let them know what I am doing to help their daughter by using SET and validation etc.

They are a dysfunctional lot and when the family get together it is a bun fight of parading, invalidation, manipulation and mind games.

Besides how I got caught up in this, how do I handle a whole pile of emotionally disordered in laws and make a positive contribution to our marriage?

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[an0ught]

Hi Moselle,

they are splitting - black and white - telling whoever they talk to whatever they are thinking gets them what they feel is right.

Besides how I got caught up in this, how do I handle a whole pile of emotionally disordered in laws and make a positive contribution to our marriage?

look at your avartar. It is a small figure. That is you. The world is bigger than you and frankly the picture you have chosen does not even come close to how humongous the world is. You will get squashed it you try to carry it. Don't handle in-laws - you can't outmaneuver them. Handle yourself.

Boundaries - don't trust them with stuff you would not trust enemies with. Be your own man. Focus on what you actually can control. The less you let your actions be reactions to crazy people acting the more straight your path becomes and the stronger you grow. In the end your path will be the sum of your steps.

They are a dysfunctional lot and when the family get together it is a bun fight of parading, invalidation, manipulation and mind games.

Strength is attractive. Validation is connecting. To strengthen the relationship with your wife you can only validate her and respect her even if you don't agree with all the choices she is making at this time.

[Moselle]

Thanks ! So much