he emailed today he thinks he is with someone else

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi, I am quite new here. In my intro I mentioned that my apparently now xBPDbf was diagnosed as bipolar some 6 months ago,  although I recognise traits of having BPD even with narcisstic tendencies.

After an on/off relationship for nearly 3 years, just before christmas he had another huge rage after which I said don't bother coming back (the first time I said that).    I was emotionally and mentally drained and really not myself (ha... wasn't allowed to be myself for soo long).

In February after finding this site, realised maybe it was just an illness and that my responses to his abuse could have been different.  So met him to let him know in a kind way, but not putting anything on him. And at the end of it all, I said no-one was really to blame. We had an emotional parting.  He has always said that no-one has tried to help him like me, I am the only one he has really loved etc. etc. Then had another meeting he asked for, and said that he didn't realise what he had done to me but does now.  Also that he has grown up.  And was giving me three months space.

But today he mailed me to say he 'thinks' he is with someone else.  He loves me and always will, and thinks of me every day.  He thinks he is with someone else now. and a lame excuse about different bodyclocks (!) as why we can't be together.  Help! and sorry, this is such a mess.

[fuzz]

Hi, I am quite new here. In my intro I mentioned that my apparently now xBPDbf was diagnosed as bipolar some 6 months ago,  although I recognise traits of having BPD even with narcisstic tendencies.

After an on/off relationship for nearly 3 years, just before christmas he had another huge rage after which I said don't bother coming back (the first time I said that).    I was emotionally and mentally drained and really not myself (ha... wasn't allowed to be myself for soo long).

In February after finding this site, realised maybe it was just an illness and that my responses to his abuse could have been different.  So met him to let him know in a kind way, but not putting anything on him. And at the end of it all, I said no-one was really to blame. We had an emotional parting.  He has always said that no-one has tried to help him like me, I am the only one he has really loved etc. etc. Then had another meeting he asked for, and said that he didn't realise what he had done to me but does now.  Also that he has grown up.  And was giving me three months space.

But today he mailed me to say he 'thinks' he is with someone else.  He loves me and always will, and thinks of me every day.  He thinks he is with someone else now. and a lame excuse about different bodyclocks (!) as why we can't be together.  Help! and sorry, this is such a mess.

[Turkish]

Hi, I am quite new here. In my intro I mentioned that my apparently now xBPDbf was diagnosed as bipolar some 6 months ago,  although I recognise traits of having BPD even with narcisstic tendencies.

After an on/off relationship for nearly 3 years, just before christmas he had another huge rage after which I said don't bother coming back (the first time I said that).    I was emotionally and mentally drained and really not myself (ha... wasn't allowed to be myself for soo long).

In February after finding this site, realised maybe it was just an illness and that my responses to his abuse could have been different.  So met him to let him know in a kind way, but not putting anything on him. And at the end of it all, I said no-one was really to blame. We had an emotional parting.  He has always said that no-one has tried to help him like me, I am the only one he has really loved etc. etc. Then had another meeting he asked for, and said that he didn't realise what he had done to me but does now.  Also that he has grown up.  And was giving me three months space.

But today he mailed me to say he 'thinks' he is with someone else.  He loves me and always will, and thinks of me every day.  He thinks he is with someone else now. and a lame excuse about different bodyclocks (!) as why we can't be together.  Help! and sorry, this is such a mess.

Hello fuzz, I'm sorry you feel like that. Do you see the pattern with him, and the pattern in the chaos of the things he says?

Even after I caught the paramour of my uBPDx calling her phone in the middle of dinner with the kids, she still kind of denied it. It was at the very least heavy petting and kissing to that point, as well as clandestine (so she thought, I but I knew) meetings. When I called him her boyfriend, she replied, "I don't know what I have with him!" I think they really don't know. Neither do we. The only thing we  can know for certain is ourselves. What you can be certain of is that is hasn't "grown up." His behavior belies the notion.

[fuzz]

Thank you Turkish.

I replied to his mail.  I would have loved to have said it is because of his abuse but didn't,  this bodyclock thing is absolute rubbish, a cop out.  I said I am glad he is happy and that things would never work out with us 2, and good luck (that took some doing I can tell you) He replied straight away saying he wishes I would have told him sooner as it would have saved him some cigarettes!  To which I replied that I think it was him that knew well before his meeting with me two weeks ago, or he would not have been looking elsewhere.  Damn me.  I had an inkling he was doing the usual looking for someone else.  I remember one of our 'breaks' I found out that he had only asked (by email at 5am the very next morning) his counsellor to meet him in an 'unprofessional manner as Fuzz and I are over'.  What the heck? Red flag.  He has not responded to my further email saying it was him that knew we owould never work or he wouldn't have been LOOKING!  And I am glad he thinks it is funny.  Of course I am not glad.  As usual I look stupid. 

[fuzz]

Sorry - was rambling a bit last night, just needed to vent. The same patterns - and patterns of speech, no he has not grown up, but I bit after yet another mail last night.  I had been doing quite well with no contact - while he was meant to be sorting himself out. Well at least I know now that nothing will change with him, he was always all talk with no or short lived action . 

I am so glad I found this site, it has helped immensely over the last month or so. I actually am starting to be able to be me again.  It has been a hard road so far, and coming here has helped me see things clearer and somehow too this last bit of contact has only reinforced all I have learnt here, and my gut instincts. This may have even pushed me a few steps further forward. So, back to no contact, with a less heavy heart.

Thanks

[HealingForMe]

Hey Fuzz,

Yes it is a painful road with many bumps that we are on. Don't apologise, I think everyone on here has vented, I certainly have  

You don't look stupid. You look like someone struggling with a very difficult mental illness. I think you're actually doing really well, seeing through his lies & feeling you're a few steps further down the road. Well done! 

[fuzz]

Thanks NachaLuva.  But am feeling not quite so good right now. He left voicemail this morning. She has a name now and they are together - not he thinks they are together like he mailed yesterday. He loves me to bits and has told her how he feels about me.  It isn't that that is getting to me - it is that he was meant to be sorting himself out for us - but straight away looked for someone else ( he even said in voicemail he wishes it was us!) what the heck?  I kind of thought that would happen as that is the easy route.  I am more gutted that he knows how he treated me - hiding and lying about other women, even if only emotionally involved, and damaging my trust, Besides all the other stuff I tried to help him with, and he must have learnt from it. So is obviously open with her from the start.  So now she is reaping the benefits?  That is what hurts at the mo. He sounded different - or maybe just not in the depressive state. The honeymoon period I guess .  Can he really have changed so much and all the rages, walk/outs and jealousy gone, just because I let him know what he was like - in order to help him?

I really don't feel great about this.  But at the same time am not pining for him back. It stinks.   I have not sunk too far - just don't understand -with all this love and telling her. Aaagh - a changed man?

[winston72]

Hello Fuzz... . what a mass of anguish.  I am so sorry that you are experiencing this right now.

Just a few observations from my perch... . he has not changed; there are no benefits to be reaped by the other woman.  People just do not change this rapidly in the best of circumstances, let alone someone with this pattern of behavior (BPD traits, at the least).

I experienced many interactions such as you described in this thread.  It was torturous to sense and feel an emerging awareness and openness, and then to sense and feel its withdrawal.  It was disturbing and disruptive as well as painful.  Very confusing. 

I imagine your ex has a greater awareness of relationship dynamics after being with you, but this is not the determining factor in how relationships evolve for him.  His emotional needs are driving him to seek connection or validation from whatever source is available.  Whatever he learned from you will likely make him a more dangerous partner for the next woman/women as he might have a shinier veneer coated with a more sophisticated language of relationships.    Think about it for a moment, he is entering a new relationship while telling her that he has such strong feelings for you.  It sounds like a set-up for him to be able to withdraw from her in the future because of his feelings for you, or someone else, and justify it as having been "open" about it from the beginning. 

Disordered thinking... . a disordered personality... . disordered personality organization... . these are some terms used to describe some of these dynamics.  As I read your post, I think of your ex as having a variety of needs, wants, feelings and he goes about identifying and addressing them in a convoluted, confused, disordered manner.  His personality lacks the structure to be able to conduct a relationship with boundaries, reciprocity, empathy, care... . a kind of emotional and practical "order."

The grief and anguish grows as we try to apply a sense of order to that disorder.  It slowly shifts our focus from self to other, which initially sounds like the basis of a loving dynamic, but when that shift is seeking to solve or understand or adapt to the feelings and behaviors that cannot be fixed in this way, than we are heading down a path of agony.

[fuzz]

Thank you so much for your views Winston, what you say makes so much sense.  I really appreciate everything you said, and so grateful you took the time to cover all bases.   

My last post here does show the anguish brought about by the last couple of days and it was hard to remember all that I had learnt here (it was there somewhere I knew, but hard to grasp it).  He had a string of short-lived relationships and ours was the longest, nearly making 3 years and today I was at a loss what else to think or feel... . It was only easy for me to think of the nice, good side of him, using his charm to win somebody over.  But I now remind myself of the reality: that these good times we had were very short-lived, we managed a record three weeks once, before it was all blown apart again. Of course, coming back from that with each episode got harder and harder.  Something like rinse/repeat I have read about here?

Your post Winston, I shall read whenever I have another blip or doubt.   I am just so sorry we are all here for the same reason and that you yourself have been through what I have been and am going through.  A cloud has lifted already - not because his new relationship may be doomed, (she may be able to cope with it... for whatever reason) - but because you "reminded" me about his disorder, the reality of our relationship.  Thank you for kicking me into gear again. 

BPD Family, thank you for being here for me.

[HealingForMe]

So now she is reaping the benefits?  That is what hurts at the mo. He sounded different - or maybe just not in the depressive state. The honeymoon period I guess .  Can he really have changed so much and all the rages, walk/outs and jealousy gone, just because I let him know what he was like - in order to help him?

he has not changed; there are no benefits to be reaped by the other woman.  People just do not change this rapidly in the best of circumstances, let alone someone with this pattern of behavior (BPD traits, at the least)

Exactly, he hasn't changed. he may have learnt a little about himself & be a step or two closer to changing, thanks to you, but he hasnt changed, not yet. The fact that he was stringing you along while chasing this other woman is proof... . he's manipulating both of you. She is doomed to be in the same position as you are now.

He had a string of short-lived relationships and ours was the longest, nearly making 3 years and today I was at a loss what else to think or feel... . It was only easy for me to think of the nice, good side of him, using his charm to win somebody over.  But I now remind myself of the reality: that these good times we had were very short-lived, we managed a record three weeks once, before it was all blown apart again

Be proud of yourself that you have helped him. You lasted nearly 3yrs, his longest. That is an achievement in itself that you should be proud of, you obviously have a huge amount of empathy, patience, tolerance & a lot of love to give. You will be a great catch for some lucky guy who really deserves you! 

A cloud has lifted already - not because his new relationship may be doomed, (she may be able to cope with it... for whatever reason) - but because you "reminded" me about his disorder, the reality of our relationship.  Thank you for kicking me into gear again. 

He has a serious mental illness that is dooming him to a lifetime of repeated failures. You have helped him a step or two along his journey, the rest is up to him!

Be proud of the great person you are 

[fuzz]

Thanks.  And today not so good - hardly slept last night .  He was mailing a bit yesterday and asking how we would be when we went out with 'our group' of mutual friends.  Then said i could  come out with the group at the weekend. My neutral yet considerate responses turned.  How can I deal with him/her/the group, even myself, after him just rolling over after everything. - I would be there as  'what?' .  It is too soon for me to mix even with these friends, I have had to distance myself from the group although one is a true friend i still see regularly.

I did reply to him, concisely, letting him know what i thought,  then saying Goodbye til we bump into eachother.  Part of me wanted to say something worse but there was no point, that was as  good as I could be. 

All that Contact the last couple of days, and having expressed his eternal love but not one response today. Only to be expected.  But I had to attempt to stop this ongoing contact for his sake as well as mine.  (it is not about his words of eternal love - just the whole situation of the usual disordered thinking)

So, today I am not feeling so great. And that must only be expected too after this last flurry of contact.  I said earlier here that I have taken further steps moving forwards, and I still Feel i have.  to keep reading here has and will continue to make for an easier path, although a bit bumpy still.  But I am getting stronger . 

Another vent . And having vented feel slightly better!

[Dolly rocker]

Hi Fuzz,

Listen hun, he hasn't changed at all. My XpwBPD has done exactly the same to me. In one night alone he told me that:

1) he loved me

2) there was no one like me

3) wanted me to tell him if I still loved him!

I told him we were over

Then he told me:

1) that he was in love with someone else

2) he was happy

I wished him well and blocked him

He then:

Rang me up desperately and started texting saying he was lost and playing games. To which I didn't even bothered replying.

He is like a parasite that comes bugging me from time to time.

I'm soo relieved it's finaly over!

Hugs 2 u

[fuzz]

Hi Dolly rocker , Thanks for your words.  Much appreciate you taking the time to reply. It's been a bumpy few days and a very odd wkend.  My head all over the place as you might imagine after the latest contact & replacement news, and yet, the stronger impact of, as yourself, feeling like I have been released, a relief that I know it is definitely over now. Hugs2 you too,  and hope you are staying strong

And on reading another post on this board just now, totally agree with some other posters that  there is absolutely no way on earth I would ever consider being recycled  (should the attempt even ever be made) now that he has replaced me . 

There is so much written on this board that hits home, pushing forward the healing process, reaffirming, confirming, reminding, encouraging, validating. 

So glad I found the site

[Dolly rocker]

I can only imagine what you are feeling right now.

But it will pass. You are strong and you are intelligent enough to realise you don't need a vile cheater in your life. Why would you?

No one needs unstable relationships. No one needs a guy who dumps them every other day cos he's insecure.

They've replaced us so quickly without a second thought. Do you think they ever loved us? They don't even know what love is. As long as they find the attention they so much crave for from somewhere, it's good enough for them.

Imagine what it would be like if we were married to them. Think of it ( the b/u) as a blessing in disguise. A lucky escape.

Stay well hun!

[HealingForMe]

Imagine what it would be like if we were married to them. Think of it ( the b/u) as a blessing in disguise. A lucky escape.

This is exactly how I felt when the father of my exBPDgf threatened my life because of some minor lies she told about me... . I saw it as a wake up call & it really changed the way I saw her, esp when she started defending him. I'm so glad now it happened, otherwise I would have moved in with her in her fathers house. Then where would I be now? Either dead or out on the street!

I'm glad you're making your way through the healing process  

[fuzz]

Dolly rocker - Indeed a lucky escape.  The healing Process is made so much easier when armed with the facts.  These have been particularly helpful:

They can not love

They can not bond

NachaLuva - that is so scary. Hope you too are doing well having escaped the unthinkable .