Hi All!
I have been lurking but not posting much ;lately. To catch you all up on my situation, I took my BPDex back thinking we could work on the relationship. We have all been there, thinking for some reason OUR love is different, they will work on themselves to save what a special relationship we have together. Of course, we crashed and burned in stellar style not two weeks later. We had a great weekend, a CLOSE weekend followed by a meltdown on his end where he couldn't go to work, then pushed me away, then allowed me back in and THAT is what I wish to discuss here, and hopefully, help some of you get where I am now, just two weeks later... . DONE, DONE, and DONE for real this time.
Since his diagnosis of Bi Polar last November, they have been trying various drugs on him, so his moods are all over the place from wanting to hurt himself to being so HIGH on himself I could barely be around him. Never saw an ego maniac in him before but this was the latest personality to emerge and it was not a good look on him. I will also say I merely self diagnosed him BPD though I am unsure what the doc has said as I haven't been to his appointments and have found out quickly my ex is quite the compulsive liar. My ex has said though, when I mentioned BPD that he feels he exhibits many of the traits.
Anyway, the final night, I go over after he shut down and shut me out for several days. We talk, he apologizes for doing so, things are GREAT. Then he says without a second beat that he made plans to go out with "a friend" Saturday night. I am a bit miffed as we don't see one another much if at all during the week, the weekend is all we have. I said he could have told me or ASKED me prior to making the plans. At this point, my intuition said he was seeing someone else, he was just acting different and we fought about the situation. Suddenly, like shifting gears in a car, he changes personality and says, "you know what, you are right, that was rude of me to plan without consulting you first, I am going to call him and say I can't go or can we double date or something. I am amazed and surprised thinking maybe FINALLY he is getting it, and we might have a shot at this. We make up and it becomes obvious he is aroused...
THE REST OF THIS WILL BE A LITTLE GRAPHIC, WARNING NOW>> >I mention it and say should we have a go before I head home and he says yes. I went to the restroom and come out and he is already butt naked and sitting with his back against the headboard.
Let me stop here and explain that sexually, we were always emotional and intimate, rarely dirty or anything. It was one of the sweetest, closest sexual relationships of my life and the thing that kept me stuck for a long time.
I come out and he is stroking himself, more erect and hard than I have EVER seen and he LOOKS like my guy but the facial expression and body language are as if he is NOT my guy, it's like a different personality. And he says to me, Ok, I am only gonna say this ONCE, if you want this every time you have to do (I want say but you get the picture) and he is talking to me VERY graphic and almost insinuating that all this time I had no clue what I was doing in bed. I was in shock. We start to have sex and his face is different and he is talking VERY graphic. It was scary actually and I even said, "can you do me a favor and tell me you love me? cause I am feeling uncomfortable... ". He does but it doesn't feel the same. When it was over, I even asked "what the hell WAS that?" And he says he was just VERY aroused, that's all.
Afterward, we would normally be very close and loving. But on this occasion, he says to me, "text me you made it home, though I will probably be alseep and won't knw anyway, handed me my clothes and practically rushed me out the door like some whore he picked up in a bar. I was stunned and heartbroken. So much so, I called a close friend who's Ex wife had been bi polar to recount what happened and talk to someone, I was really hurt.
He took away the last sweet thing we had, our intimacy. Now everything was tainted, and I felt dirty and disrespected.
He ignored all calls and texts after this for four days straight. That was it, I was done. I sent one text that said I was disgusted and had enough, we were OVER. He never responded, and I am glad he didn't.
In the end he did me a favor. Something snapped in me after that night. I was repulsed by him and I actually felt I saw the REAL GUY that night. I have not looked back since. I feel he would never be the kind of man I seek or partner that I offer myself to be. I sleep great, not sadness, no crying, no drinking, all behaviors I took on after the initial break. It's different now, I'm different now.
I believe in God. I asked him when I went to bed the night this happened to release me from me Exes grip. To remove him from my heart. I believe he answered that prayer because this was NOT my normal response to my Ex. I was SEVERELY co dependent and obsessed. And now, SNAP, I am simply not. If that isn't a miracle, I don't know what IS?
I also think God was waiting and watching to see if I would ask or let go on my own before he brought anything good to my life. Because, not 48 hours later, I was offered my dream job, a job I didn't even apply for because I had lost faith in myself lately and didn't feel up to the challenge. The company heard of my reputation in the community and SOUGHT ME OUT. Gave me the job on the spot, gave me the salary I just threw out for the hell of it, again, these things don't just "happen".
Yesterday, I was bored and waiting in a lobby and I picked up the latest copy of Men's Health magazine. There is an article in there on the lurking dangers of anti depressants and the ability to connect emotionally and sexually with one another. I saw a lot of what it was saying in my guy. It was saying that the effects these drugs have on the brain are not being completely revealed and that it is creating a culture of people who can't bond with a mate because they are sexually and emotionally blunted. I believe this to be 100% true. And it further helped me feel good about walking away. I feel sorry for his situation, but I now feel I am completely free. He will do this over and over again, never bond, always have meaningless relationships and empty sex. That is a sad life.
As for me, this job will require a lot from me in the next year. And I want to put all of me into it to make it a great success. This will set me up well. So, I am taking a year off from men altogether. And it already feels good to be away from all the pressure and drama.
Hope some of this helps those of you that find yourself in a very dark place. I was there over the holidays, drinking a whole in my gut while he was out and about attempting to bang a whole in anything with a vagina. I was heartbroken and defeated. But, I made it through to the other side and you will too. Just believe that you deserve better than this. And that doesn't mean another partner, sometimes it means creating a better life as just you!
