Had to stop in to give an update on the restraining order case that was scheduled for today.
The injunction for a protective order for my son and his mother was overruled today.
There was no evidence that ANY abuse towards my son or his mother was evident, the judge made it clear she would be residing over the custody hearing, as well, and any further accusations or stalls towards an amicable resolution to custody will not be tolerated. I was scared to death of a woman judge, but I have grown to like this woman.
They brought up my alcoholism, and the judge asked me IF I could promise the court I would never drink again:
Judge: "Mr Arn, could you promise this court, for your son's sake, for his future, that you will never drink alcohol again?"
Me: "No, mam, I cannot. I cannot promise anyone I will never drink again. What I can promise you is that I will do everything in my power, today, not to drink. And tomorrow, tomorrow I will get up and I will do the same exact thing I did today." My lawyer's jaw dropped... . hell with him, hell with her, I am no longer going to hide behind myself, no longer lying to the world, no longer being a victim of anything... . I am what I am, like it or not. But I am seeking my own truth, and the facts are facts.
Judge: "I do not find any evidence that domestic abuse has occurred towards Arn's son nor his mother, and deny the injunction for protection filed by my son's mother, and Arn, this court will be watching you and your drinking... . don't slip up."
I also picked up an extra day during the week to see my boy.
My dad died 3 years ago today. It was on a Monday. The Monday before Mardi Gras Day (Fat Tuesday). We call it Lundi Gras down here. The past few carnival seasons have been sad for me, and maybe from now on they always will be. But I feel like I need to share this with you. Maybe give some of you a little hope. Maybe those of you who are currently in the darkest hour can take some hope out of my situation and see some light.
I have been consumed with stress the past 3 months. From having my child withheld from me by his mother for 5 months, to school, to working two jobs, to putting my house on the market, to going to court, and dealing with false allegations from my son's mother. Sometimes I didn't even think I had enough time to shower, get a haircut, and take care of myself.
I forgot. I forgot about my dad's death 3 years ago. I forgot about the season, went along to the parades, threw the football with my son, had a blast; but I forgot that the anniversary of my father's death was right around the corner. The same exact day as my court hearing for this restraining order.
I believe there is a God. I have said this before, and I will swear by it now, that I believe God works on us through the people around us. My dad died a Jew. He was a practicing Jew, and he went to temple every week. There is a member (Tausk) on this site, that shared with me a Victor Frankl quote last week, "When we are unable to change the outcome of a situation, we are forced to look within and change ourselves." Victor was a holocaust survivor, and I believe that my dad wanted me to read that quote. Because reading it and taking other actions in my life is letting me come to my own truth about myself as a man, and as a father. So today is about remembrance, mourning, new beginnings, and redemption.
Dad,
You taught me so much. You taught me to never give up, and you taught me to be tenacious. You taught me how to be okay with who I am and where I am today. One of your favorite lines was, "I ain't got everything I want; but I got everything I need." You taught me to love like today would be my last. You taught me that poetry and reading were cool. You nurtured my creativity and artistic nature. You taught me how to hit a curve ball. You taught me to fish and hunt and crab. Even when my fingers were to small to get any of the knots right, you smiled and helped me anyway. Waiting all damn day for a buck or a bird, you taught me to be patient. You taught me how to run trotlines to snag catfish. You taught me to sail. You taught me that outlaw country music was SOO MUCH cooler than the bubble gum country on the radio today. You taught me that there was nothing more beautiful than the mountains. You taught me how to be a friend. You taught me to play Texas Hold em, and NOT to play every damn hand. You were a Vietnam veteran, and you taught me to be patriotic and love my country, and if I ever see a soldier in a bar, buy him a drink. You taught me to be kind in the face of adversity. After you divorced my mother, you were respectful, and you always greeted her with a smile and a kiss hello. You were nice to her until the day you died, and I know you still loved her and so does she. You had the same problem as me, and you took me to my first AA meeting. You taught me what it was like to die sober with dignity, your self-respect, and after making all of your amends... . shameless.
You told me if she called the cops on me once, she'd do it again. I failed to heed that advice, ole man. But I see it now, and you put a stop to it all today, didn't you?
When I swam everyday of my life from 6 years old to thirteen, miles upon miles every week, I was burned out. I no longer enjoyed it. You didn't get upset or try to live out your own dreams through me, you let me quit, and on the way home from practice with red chlorinated eyes, you told me how proud of me you were, and asked me what I wanted to do now. When I got run over on the goal line in the State Playoffs or missed a game winner or struck out in the bottom of the ninth with 2 outs and the bases loaded, you always did the same thing... . You would walk right over to me smiling that goofy smile, and kiss me on the lips and tell me how great I played, and how proud of me you were.
I thank you for being there for me today, dad. I thank you for looking down on me and watching me walk through all of this pain and fear today. I want you to know that without you, I would have never learned to "suit up and show up". I would have ran, ran ran ran until I found a rock big enough to hide under. I want you to know that I am a strong boy today, and it is because of you. You see everything you have ever taught me, I am going to teach your grandson. I promise you today, that I will not leave one single thing out. Including the most important lesson... . that it's okay for a son to kiss his dad on the lips and no amount of shame should ever be felt in the expression of that love between a father and his son. If it wasn't for you; I wouldn't be me.
So, here's to you, dad... . I'll be playing one of your favorites all day today:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=a30R_drH2GA
