Fear keeps creeping in... Anyone else experience this?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I am posing this question for those here that are going through the "working on their own issues" stage of their moving forward.

I am in the process of working on this with my T and am wondering if others here can relate... .

I am experiencing issues with fear after having broken up for the final time with my exBPDw... .

This was an issue during previous recycles... . namely the fear of her contacting me and wanting to re engage... .

This time I have no second thoughts about ending this relationship... . yet the fear seems all the worse this time as compared to the others

I have had only one break in the NC (r/s ended early Jan)and that was because I felt the need to discuss divorce with her... . the conversation went somewhat badly and she used it to rage on me for not answering her emails(I had blocked her)... .

Everything about being in contact with her causes this fear to manifest itself... .

I have fear of going through with the whole process of divorcing her... .

I can't say that I have ever experienced this type of feeling in any r/s before... .

As I said... . I am delving into this with my T... . but anyone have a similar feeling after ending this type of r/s?

It's almost like what a true trauma victim might feel ... . or someone suffering from PTSD

Sometimes I feel like I'm STILL ... . "walking on eggshells"... . or waiting for the other shoe to drop... .

Trying to move ahead... . but gosh... . this makes me feel stuck !

[Cimbaruns]

I am posing this question for those here that are going through the "working on their own issues" stage of their moving forward.

I am in the process of working on this with my T and am wondering if others here can relate... .

I am experiencing issues with fear after having broken up for the final time with my exBPDw... .

This was an issue during previous recycles... . namely the fear of her contacting me and wanting to re engage... .

This time I have no second thoughts about ending this relationship... . yet the fear seems all the worse this time as compared to the others

I have had only one break in the NC (r/s ended early Jan)and that was because I felt the need to discuss divorce with her... . the conversation went somewhat badly and she used it to rage on me for not answering her emails(I had blocked her)... .

Everything about being in contact with her causes this fear to manifest itself... .

I have fear of going through with the whole process of divorcing her... .

I can't say that I have ever experienced this type of feeling in any r/s before... .

As I said... . I am delving into this with my T... . but anyone have a similar feeling after ending this type of r/s?

It's almost like what a true trauma victim might feel ... . or someone suffering from PTSD

Sometimes I feel like I'm STILL ... . "walking on eggshells"... . or waiting for the other shoe to drop... .

Trying to move ahead... . but gosh... . this makes me feel stuck !

[Allmessedup]

Cimbaruns,

I am going thru a similar experience. I find myself fiercely protective of myself like never before.

I feel vulnerable as hell.  I am not exactly certain why, but I am scared she will contact me, show up at my house, or I will run into her somewhere... . things like that.

I find I do not want her to know anything at all about me.  I am vulnerable and I know it.

My daughter is having a massive surgery next week and even though she is blocked from my fb I jumped thru a bunch of hoops to ensure the blog I write about her and her hospital stays is locked down as securely as I can make it. 

It irrational fear, but it is fear nonetheless.

I have begun looking at it and haven't come to any consensus yet but I do have a few thoughts on it.

1.  I am honestly pretty vulnerable right now with the grief work I am doing and with my daughters surgery.

2.  I do not trust my own emotions very well quite yet.  And I have made it 8.5 weeks now and I don't want to jeapordize that in my current emotional state.

3.  I think a lot of it is that I feel I was SO BETRAYED by her.  She didn't cheat but the fact is that I trusted her like I have never trusted anyone else and she used that power I gave her against me and I didn't even see it happening.  She took my past hurts, vulnerabilities, and admissions and used them against me.

4. I know there is a relationship here to my FOO stuff.  Looking back on it I see so much similarities to my relationship with my mother.  I spent so much of my childhood in trauma and turmoil and was constantly told in both relationships I was wrong for what I was feeling.  That it wasn't true, that I was wrong for seeing it the way I did.  In both cases I began to believe it.  I spent a whole lot of the time feeling terrified as I could not rationalize what I was feeling with what was being said in that regard.  Now that I see my feelings in both situations were correct I am terrified to doubt myself again.

I have no answers for you... . but perhaps may give you some things to consider... . I am glad you wrote this today... . I was just thinking about this!

[Cimbaruns]

Thanks for the reply AMU

Good things to ponder here... .

I can relate to the vulnerable part ... . and the grief work that I am going through also... .

It's not a fear of getting back or trusting my emotions however and that's why I seem to be relating it to a true "core" trauma if you will... .

I also feel very much betrayed... . mine cheated and lied for weeks... . and blamed her leaving on the notion that " I didn't do enough to sustain the r/s... .

I feel that ANY communication with her would negate ALL THE PROGRESS I MAY HAVE MADE UP UNTIL NOW

The fact that she still rages about me and what I should or could have done makes me fearful... .

What is this FEAR... . Trying to make sense of it all... .

Maybe I too have a lot of self doubt!

I still feel as if I am suffering from PTSD... . do you have any thoughts on that angle... . how about you?

Sending you postive thoughts and prayers for your daughters recovery

[LettingGo14]

As I said... . I am delving into this with my T... . but anyone have a similar feeling after ending this type of r/s?

It's almost like what a true trauma victim might feel ... . or someone suffering from PTSD

Sometimes I feel like I'm STILL ... . "walking on eggshells"... . or waiting for the other shoe to drop... .

Trying to move ahead... . but gosh... . this makes me feel stuck !

You are not alone.  I had a 4-year relationship, with many recycles, an abandonment 4 months ago, and an official "goodbye" from her two weeks ago.   I now, like you, stand alone.

"Fear" is a powerful emotion.  It's a primal emotion, that translates to flight, or fight, or freeze.  I read somewhere that trauma, or habit, can imprint "fear" on our amygdalas, the reptilian part of our brains -- which is our most primal response system to danger.

Here's what I've learned over the last four months, as I seek to "let go" and move on.  

1. Fear is just an emotion, most times, and unless we are in mortal danger, we don't need to react with flight, fight or freeze.  Yes, our bodies react to fear with tightened guts, headaches, and rushes of adrenaline.  But, if we can weather the intense storm (for example, by sitting still), it passes.

2. We can challenge our fears with our cognitive brains by questioning it:  Why am I afraid now, post r/s?   Does it relate to Family of Origin (FOO)?  Am I afraid I lost a part of myself?  Am I afraid of how I acted in the r/s?  Am I afraid of being alone?   I am trying to us an ABC technique from rational emotive behavioral therapy (REBT), which is a way to dispute irrational beliefs that lead to maladaptive behaviors.  

3. We can stand alone.  Everything I have read here suggests the only place to heal is within ourselves.  We need to believe we have the tools to do it, alone.   I am examining my fear to see what "false beliefs" are behind it.   I am trying to connect with the vulnerable part of myself that is scared.  It definitely goes back to my FOO, but I'm still trying to figure that out.

We're here for you.  I applaud your NC.  It's the only way.   As is often said, "The only way out is through."

[Cimbaruns]

Thank you LG14 for your thoughts as well... .

I believe that it is part of my FOO as well... .

Working on it... .

I'm finding that connecting here has been most helpful... . but agree as well that I have to work on these issues alone.

NC is truly the only way... .

I cannot say enough... . that it is the ONLY WAY for one to make it through this situation

I will look deeper into those questions you posed... .

[LettingGo14]

I'm finding that connecting here has been most helpful... . but agree as well that I have to work on these issues alone.

PS - "Alone" meant apart from BPDr.  In this community, you are never alone!   

PPS - I just read this today, and it's tangentially related, but really helps with perspective: 

www.lynneforrest.com/articles/2008/06/the-faces-of-victim/

[seeking balance]

I also feel very much betrayed... . mine cheated and lied for weeks... . and blamed her leaving on the notion that " I didn't do enough to sustain the r/s... .

This happened to me too

I feel that ANY communication with her would negate ALL THE PROGRESS I MAY HAVE MADE UP UNTIL NOW

We come up for air and don't want to go back under water - this is a normal way to feel considering the level of trauma you have experienced.  Mine lasted until I was out of the divorce...

Yes, it was ptsd - my T used EMDR therapy with me actually and it helped me manage the panic fear into a more reasonable, functional form.  I was in pretty bad shape myself... . for couple months after my ex left I puked almost every morning, and I pretty much only talked to people that I thought I could trust not to hurt me - I was raw.

A combination of core trauma with very real trauma inflicted when we were at our most vulnerable is very hard combination.  My ex exposed and used all my core shame that I had ever said against me - it gutted me.  For example, when I confronted about her affair - she said it wasn't true, that I was projecting my own issues since I had had a brief affair on a relationship 10 years prior... . I bought it, and found out later she was lying.  This is one of many examples that I didn't trust my gut and let someone use my shame against me - stuff I thought I had worked through in T years before. 

I share this so that you can see some hope.  You are in the worst of the storm right now Cimbaruns - but keep going with your T, keep posting here, rebuild yourself and it will be ok again - honestly.

Have you filed the divorce papers yet?

[Cimbaruns]

SB

Again... . much appreciated responses here.

How true... . Core Trauma vs Real Trauma. SB

I have hard proof that she cheated and has left for another... . but haven't confronted her on this issue as of yet... .

I have asked my T about whether or not this is important at this point... . especially with my trying to move forward. Part of me feels that there is no need to engage her on this... . and the other part wants to throw it at her!  Anger issues here?  Non closure issues over and above the obvious lack of EVER getting any closure.

Lots to work through here

I seem to go along fine with NC and it enables me to feel "safe" so to speak... . lessens my anxiety if you will!  Somewhat... .

However still causes me to be afraid of what may come...

I am in the process of filing but haven't done it yet.

Taking baby steps I guess... . or trying to move toward that direction...

This is so gut wrenching and hard... .

Thanks everyone for offering your import and support

[seeking balance]

I have hard proof that she cheated and has left for another... . but haven't confronted her on this issue as of yet... .

I have asked my T about whether or not this is important at this point... . especially with my trying to move forward. Part of me feels that there is no need to engage her on this... . and the other part wants to throw it at her!  Anger issues here?  Non closure issues over and above the obvious lack of EVER getting any closure.

I confronted eventually - was lied to, twisted, then eventually got this, "I did what I had to in order to survive an abusive marriage".  No closure only more pain and blame.

I am in the process of filing but haven't done it yet.

Taking baby steps I guess... . or trying to move toward that direction...

Try this baby step - fillout and file the separation papers to give yourself some legal protection.  IF she takes out loans or credit card spending now - you really are liable for it too - please protect yourself.

I didn't, waited until all financial hell broke loose and it costed me time and money... . sometimes we have to proactively protect ourselves... . I know it feels big, I was given the advice too but didn't listen... . oh, how I wish I would have.

You really will be ok Cimbaruns.