I feel as if life is over again.. not worth living (continued)

[hurthusband]

she called to make more arrangements... terms for surrender i would call them... how she will be happy with somebody else.

somebody at worked asked for me while on the phone... i snapped nasty at them about being on the phone and hold on...

she realized i think the jeopardy she putting me in at my job... hung up called back crying apologizing for damaging my job.  still that we are done... . but apologizing

She has no clue what is in store for her as far as life when I leave.  She is used to eating out every night not eating at just chain restaurants, but nicer places.  She has no income, no job, no insurance, no friends, no family... she has family but when I have told them about suicide attempts or that she wanted us to have a suicide pact, they DID NOTHING... they did not even see if she was okay

She cannot handle people at all right now.  She cannot deal with the kids right now...

if I leave, there is a good chance something very bad might happen.  Might happen to her or the kids.  There is a chance she will do somethinga nd be angry and vengeful and do something very bad to me or people I care about

[maxsterling]

this is quite intense.  I certainly feel for you right now, and can empathize with what you are going through, although this is a level to which I have not experienced yet.  And I feel for her, too - it sounds like she has nothing at all to hold onto.  And for you to be in a situation to have to deal with that has to be crippling. 

The suicide thing and the fear she may do something serious is real, and real scary.  I still live in fear that if my girlfriend and I broke up, she is 90% likely to attempt suicide or start taking drugs again.  I can't live with that fear.  My friends, my online support, and my T all tell me over and over that if she does want to hurt herself, she will do that anyway no matter what I do, and whatever she does is not my fault.  I can rationally agree, but emotionally?  It's just so very hard to detach. 

Please, try and find some kind of space for yourself today.  Turn off your phone, go see a movie, go to church, anything.  Those moments I have found for myself the last few months have been real lifesavers.

[an0ught]

Hurthusband,

The suicide thing and the fear she may do something serious is real, and real scary.  I still live in fear that if my girlfriend and I broke up, she is 90% likely to attempt suicide or start taking drugs again.  I can't live with that fear.  My friends, my online support, and my T all tell me over and over that if she does want to hurt herself, she will do that anyway no matter what I do, and whatever she does is not my fault.  I can rationally agree, but emotionally?  It's just so very hard to detach. 

Please, try and find some kind of space for yourself today.  Turn off your phone, go see a movie, go to church, anything.  Those moments I have found for myself the last few months have been real lifesavers.

in these angry exchanges emotions on both sides bounce back on each other and get amplified. You can not control her emotions but you have some control over yours. She is dysregulated and will be saying and maybe even doing stuff that makes no sense and will be regretted later. Do not react too much, too extreme or too often. Displaying some anger on your side is perfectly ok and even expected - nobody stays calm in these situations. But avoid overreacting! She has not infinite energy to keep this going. You strategy has take a slightly longer view so save your energy and get your side cooled down. Maxsterling has given some ideas - consider taking them up.

[hurthusband]

Yea... im not allowed in house... so just sitting in office now...

I am sure I must be getting a bit annoying.  I mean I hear what everyone is saying, and I know rationally she seems wrong, but like MasterSterling said... I still FEEL responsible to a degree.  To a large degree.  I feel incredible guilt.

Right now I am so distraught over the relationship I cannot even really face the reality that even if we do get back together, the situation I am in with her has my life decimated and after today, even my family is talking about maybe its time for me to quit my job because I am a hindrance

I suppose I am a bit angry.  At this point, I have literally allowed her to destroy every relationship I have, my finances, my family ties, myself worth, and now my future/job/business.  I have nothing left to give, but she still thinks I have done nothing for her and I am horrible.

At same time, I am not angry at her.  I miss her.  I miss my family.  I never asked for any of this and I never did anything in a selfish way.  She thinks I hate her and want to leave her because of the pain I said she caused me... it is almost like she is confusing her own shame with my hate.  Or that her feeling shame means I hurt her and am mean

I could get a lawyer, force the divorce... and move on.  I just do not want to.  I do not have the will.  I honestly wish I had the option of simply giving my life and curing her and being done with this all.  I am just tired. I never imagined a relationship could be this way.  I honestly never want to be in another if this one fails.  Not just because my heart is broken, but I never want to take a chance of hurting like this again.

I remember being alone... Being sad and going to sleep.  Spent years doing that.  I thought that was bad, it was easy.  Sadly, she thinks I do not hurt or feel anything.  Talking about hurting just makes her act like its a competition and she goes into how I know nothing of hurt... . I don't know anymore

[momtara]

I am glad that you are realizing you didn't cause this and it's not your fault.

Don't give up your job.  You'd be surprised how understanding people are when you tell them what's been happening.  (Esp. your family).

Do you think there is a real chance she could hurt the kids?  People who talk of suicide tend to lose custody.  Even though you may not think you have rights, it is possible (I don't know the law where you are) that you could get some rights to help be their guardians or something if they're not safe with her.  On the other hand, that would of course hurt her emotionally... . you are in a tough position because you don't want to hurt her, I know.

Maybe Google some lawyers in the area who have a psych background.  There are a few around.  Of course, if you have $200 to your name, you may need to get some free first consultations.  There's always avvo.com too if you can stay anonymous - you can post for free and find out what to do about her kids etc.

The things she says about you and accuses you of are really things she thinks of herself.  It makes her feel better to blame you.  Part of the illness.

You are a good person.  :)on't worry about future relationships.  Just be strong and firm, try to set boundaries.  This is an awful time you are going though, but it won't be this way forever.  You just have to get through it, one way or another.

You are in a bind, because things taht some people might do (restraining orders, lawyer letters etc.) to stop her from harassing you at work, are things you'd perceive as hurting or alienating her from you.  I understand that.  You may just have to keep walking through this until the solution presents itself.  You are getting closer I think.

If you don't have the energy to file for divorce, don't.  Let her do it if she wants to.

Where are you sleeping tonight?  Wherever it is, look up at the stars and know they are shining on you no matter how bad things are, and things can only get better.

[Surnia]

Hi HH

For me you are not annoying - I have some deep concerns about your situation however. There is so much negative talking / thinking in your life. All the blaming and insults of your wife and your thoughts on yourself too.

I would like to underline the words of your T:

He said she is ill and that I am a good person and from his perspective doing all I can.  That I should not buy into what she is saying about me.

The 3 Cs: You didn't cause it, you cannot cure it, you cannot control it, the behavior of your wife.

What you can control is your side. Making a good job, thinking about cut her expenses and so on. Each step counts, HH! 

[momtara]

HH, how are you this morning?  Did you get any sleep?

[hurthusband]

HH, how are you this morning?  Did you get any sleep?

bit out of it.  Havent eaten in a few days... slept on the floor of office in a sleeping bag.  family is getting fed up with it all... jeapordizing their livelihoods too.  Getting to point where I either do away with her or I am out of a job

she apologized this morning for harm done to job.  said she has a good amount of work.  time away maybe good and may heal things.  of course, it could also be that, time away and no wounds healing... more damage done, and i am stuck sleeping on the floor of an office paying everything for her to stay in a house.

Not sure if I mentioned but she not wanting to go on trip with her parents to Europe to begin with and now she so depressed she going to cancel.  Of course, that means paying them back for a trip that

a. they didnt consult me on at all before they booked it, made me pay half AFTER they booked it, and left me with kids

b. she doesnt trust me to watch kids now.  I think her real fear is i will manipulate them against her since she already thinks the oldest thinks she is crazy

she says she not going back to therapy neither, probably cause i encouraged it so much... i guess she also figures without me she cannot afford it.  Maybe I still pay it... i dont know

[momtara]

Any chance she will change her mind and go on the trip?  Maybe her parents can convince her to take a break?

Now she has manipulated you into probably paying for the therapist.  She is getting away with everything she can.  What kind of silly business is it for her family to book a trip and tell you to pay half?  You really shouldn't, but you know that.  It's easier to just do what she says; I realize that.  Eventually, though, it ends up with you broke.

Glad she apologized, but she keeps having these moments of clarity and then going back to her old ways, typical of BPD.  Is there a way to put some kind of a wall between you and her at work - turn off the ringer on your phone and only pick up if you see another number?  I don't know.  My life at work greatly improved when I turned off the text alert noise, so when my H was texting me I didn't know it. 

You need to set boundaries, I think, although like everything else, there is the risk of her blaming you. 

You could always pay for a few therapy sessions, just because you need that for yourself right now. 

Hang in there.  You are doing more than anyone in their right mind can do.  I don't know you so all I can do is offer a ((hug)).

I hope she takes the trip.  You should ask for your money back if she DOESN'T go, not have to pay for it. 

[hurthusband]

Yea... she graduated college and then her parents to both our surprise say "guess what, for graduation we got you a ticket to go WITH US and your sister on a European tour.  Now you will have to pay the airfare though.  also its going to be the week after Spring break for the kids"

a. my wife hates doing crap with her parents.  Their invalidating and angry behavior contributed to her being how she is

b. way to let me know on things.  I mean I guess they just assumed i could make arrangements to handle kids at drop of a hat.  Also thanks for asking me if i could go.  Also, thanks for asking me if we could afford it.  I mean they know I spent $25k on her therapy last year and tens of thousands on her home remodel. 

Just last week we are sitting in my kids Boy Scouts crap.  The kids are not that enthusiastic about it, but her father LOVES IT.  I am sitting there with him and one of the boy's father.  Suddenly he gives me a bill for a few hundred bucks for scouts and says "here you go, I paid half, but here is other half" did he even ask the biological father?  nope.  did bio dad hear? yup. did bio dad offer help? nope.  Has bio dad made a raise in past 10 years and get an increase on his child support?  he is a unionized worker who just got a mechanics license.  you know he did.  I mean based on union rules his pay has doubled, but nope... I can just support his kid.

o yea, apparantly graddad signed up kids for some trip to Maine or something that is a few grand.  never even asked us as parents.  Wonder how that is getting paid for...

[momtara]

That is ridiculous.  Well, don't pay that! 

Hang in there.  Sleeping at the office tonight?  Hope you get to rest.

[OnceConfused]

Hurthusband:

Allow me to throw in another perspective.

1. You should be elated, not depressed. Why -- Because you will soon be free. Free from all those negativism, from being the doormat to her, to her parents. The future might unknown and thus scary, but embrace the uncertainty of the new future, my friend. How many people on this board have expressed the pain they suffer from YEARS and YEARS  of abuse and unhappiness? A lot, I might say. They cannot find the way out because they are stuck by the push and pull of BPD and most of all by the fear of the unknown future ( like you).

2. Remember, you are abused not because there are abusers out there, but because YOU LET THEM ABUSE YOU. You have to stand up for your happiness otherwise you will bury the next 40 or 50 years of your life in sorrow and regrets. One day, on your death bed you will wonder what have happened to all those lost years? Surely, ask yourself how do you want people describe you on  your tombstone - A man of courage, a man of integrity, or a man who was depressed and was a doormat ?.

3. I know how you feel about the unknown future. One day 8 years ago, I lost my wife of 22 years to a tragic accident who left me w 3 young children. Talking about a nuclear bomb that all of a sudden destroyed everything I worked or hoped for. Instead of letting the grief burying me, I decided to LIVE and LIVE FULLY. Then I ran into XBPD, who within 4 weeks caused me to seek psychological help because of all the craziness. It took me almost 4 weeks of meditating and listening to the inner voice about BPD, then I mustered enough courage to look her in the eyes and said , "GOOD BYE".

Guess what, that was the best word I have said in all my life.

By letting her go, I found my now wife who is what the xBPD was NOT. So, my friend, don't be afraid of the unknown future. God has a lots of good things for you in the days ahead. You have to empty your cup so the new fresh tea can be poured in.

[hurthusband]

I went back home again last night... I know that might have not been the best decision, just starting cycle over again...

Talked some about her actually moving in with her friend for a bit.  She hates the house anyways.  That might work

all and all, even though I keep moving through this cycle, I feel myself getting closer to finally just giving up and putting a stop to it.  I suppose that one way or another, I am getting closer to ending it, she is getting closer to ending it, or things will somehow get better.  There seems to be some end coming, I am just not sure what.  I suppose an end is better than the grind of it all. 

I have to give her some credit though.  This week she really ramped up some of the work she has been doing.  She has had a cleaning business all through college and now that she has her Art degree and seems to be unwilling to do anything with it, at least she just took on a ton of clients from somebody she trained who injured themselves.  Pretty much full time, and its around $900 a week so its decent pay that can help.  Being occupied I think is good for her...

Who knows... if can make to her trip... thats 10 days gone... that might be good too

Something is going to be forced decision wise though.  I guess that is good even if I am crawling towards it

[an0ught]

Hi hurthusband,

I really feel for you, this is a deep crisis for you and your family  , so forgive me some straight talk.

I went back home again last night... I know that might have not been the best decision, just starting cycle over again...

You made a decision! You reap the consequences - whether good or bad. Good decision reap good consequences and you are happy. Bad decisions reap bad consequences and you suffer. But daring to make a decision and doubting it immediately - what are you getting out of this? You can be proud of yourself! Nobody can tell you what to do - choices simply lead to different outcomes and you have to deal with them - good or bad - and move on to the next choice. Learning by doing - you are changing course - there is a lot to learn - new behavioral choices - new mistakes - new successes! Believe in yourself - we believe in you

This is not a trivial matter! You and your family have been suffering from emotional abuse for some time and in such a case second-guessing will become your modus operandi. To move away from that you have to re-align you actions with your believes. Choices are neither good nor bad they are choices. There will be alway an upside you reap and a downside you pay. Not making a choice or making a choice "others (whoever)" expect is also making a choice. There is no getting away from it. But if you are acting in line with your believes then there is an additional upside that you will feel more whole and your self esteem grows over time.

A lot of us co-dependent folks tend to avoid choices we own. We prefer coming to commonly discussed and agreed solutions. Often this is the best. However you are stuck in a conflict, communication lines are clogged and attempts to discuss are taken as a pretext to attack you. You have little choice but to act unilateral. This may be uncomfortable but it is not wrong - it is just a different way doing things that need to be done. You decided to stay at work and that took guts. As a result the situation is better. You own that all 

Talked some about her actually moving in with her friend for a bit.  She hates the house anyways.  That might work

Ok, she is not mad at you but now it is the house. The problem is between her ears.

all and all, even though I keep moving through this cycle, I feel myself getting closer to finally just giving up and putting a stop to it.  I suppose that one way or another, I am getting closer to ending it, she is getting closer to ending it, or things will somehow get better.  There seems to be some end coming, I am just not sure what.  I suppose an end is better than the grind of it all. 

I have to give her some credit though.  This week she really ramped up some of the work she has been doing.  She has had a cleaning business all through college and now that she has her Art degree and seems to be unwilling to do anything with it, at least she just took on a ton of clients from somebody she trained who injured themselves.  Pretty much full time, and its around $900 a week so its decent pay that can help.  Being occupied I think is good for her...

Yeah, when you were away she seemed to be able to calm down more. This is normal and consistent enforcement of boundaries can help on that front. Check out this currently ongoing story on the staying board where another member did a short break as the situation became unbearable: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=220903.0 . It is somewhat similar to yours.

Something is going to be forced decision wise though.  I guess that is good even if I am crawling towards it

You are quite stressed by the last days. You have kids that need taking care of. You are just learning to understand your situation better - your situation, your wifes situation and the influence of her parents on both of you. You are just starting to exploring your options. One option clearly is deciding for separation - that needs planing. Another option is deciding to stop allowing abuse - a first step taken but more are needed - may lead to separation or continuation.

If you feel level headed enough to make a decision for a divorce - do it.

If not please continue asking yourself this question - what path should I take here on undecided but also start posting on the staying board- as you will be staying de-facto and need support on that front as well. Posting on staying is not a commitment to staying but a commitment to learn to do better while staying.

[momtara]

Hurt Husband, I read something you wrote on another board about your son, and responded there, but I want to make sure you see the post.  I am wondering if you are in a situation in which you DO have some rights to him.  There are common law issues about those sorts of things. 

You wrote:

"I have been in this child's life since he was 1.  I am who he knows as his father.  He knows i am not biological, but he loves me as his dad.  he cut his arms when I left last time cause he missed me... I feel horrible about that."

Courts care about what's in the best interest of the child.  To take away someone he calls Daddy and has known since he was 1, and the only stable parent, would be cruel.  It's already hurting him emotionally.  Also, if you agree to give child support for a child you are not allowed to see or have a hand in raising anymore, you give up your leverage.  You should tell your wife you can give child support if you have some visitation.  Act as if you have that right.  Obviously this child needs you.  I wonder if there is something like common law custody if you have been in this child's life for a while. 

If you talk to a few lawyers (not just inexperienced onces), you may find precedents to support you.  You can even post the question on avvo.com for free.

[hurthusband]

I suppose for now I need to post in the staying rather than here.  Sorry

  I will need to speak with lawyer on the custody.  From all the legal sites in Texas I have read, and lawyer sites... its is close to impossible to get any sort of custody unless the child was in your sole custody for 6 months or more or the child is in actual danger.  Although, the danger one does not mean that the step parent gets custody, could be grandparents or somebody else

I cannot honestly say I feel the child is in danger

[momtara]

That really is a shame.  Well, if he's cutting himself, he has some sort of emotional danger... . I had another thought... . if you and your wife end up doing a settlement, you can still ask for some visitation.  You may not be entitled by law, but she may do it if she wants a break, wants you to pay child support, or something else.  Just something to think about.  If you have no rights to him, you also owe $0.00 in child support.  If she wants the money, she is going to have to give you some visitation.

Glad you are staying, but if you do leave, just be aware of this. 

[hurthusband]

That really is a shame.  Well, if he's cutting himself, he has some sort of emotional danger... . I had another thought... . if you and your wife end up doing a settlement, you can still ask for some visitation.  You may not be entitled by law, but she may do it if she wants a break, wants you to pay child support, or something else.  Just something to think about.  If you have no rights to him, you also owe $0.00 in child support.  If she wants the money, she is going to have to give you some visitation.

Glad you are staying, but if you do leave, just be aware of this. 

Staying is about like saying standing on quicksand...   I mean last night she wanted a divorce again, quitting therapy, etc... then apologized to me this morning.  I really do not like her actualy psychiatrist.  She has a psychiatrist and a psychologist she goes to.  The psychologist is treating her for BPD while the psychiatrist basically prescribed her meds and lots of them... .

80 mg of Vyvanse a day, adderoll to use also during day, and ambien for sleep...

I am sorry... that is a ton of stimulants and giving to a BPD just seems ridiculous, but what do you do. She has an MD and I have nothing.  I cannot really say I am more qualified.  Last night she was all on ambien when she said those things.

Her doctor said I need to stand up more and make boundaries.  so when she said, she is not going to share custody i told her "then I will not pay child support"

I seriously think though that alot of this is from the meds.  Before she was on the stimulants she was still a bit erratic, but it was faarrrr better and not angry like it is now

O, and she went to see the gyno today and was told she has a lump.  Off to get a mamogram now

When it rains it pours

[momtara]

Lumps usually turn out to be nothing.

Maybe the meds are making her worse, if she was better 2 years ago.  I know you are trying to do everything you can to hold out and see if she will recover.  You love her.  It's ok.  Just don't put yourself in a bad situation, and prepare for the worst.  Hope for the best.

If these meds are not helping, maybe she just shouldn't be on them.  Or should be on diff ones.  Maybe you can suggest to her therapist, without offending him, that she has changed a lot in 2 years and you think maybe her medication is making it worse.  They don't see what you see, and they should know this.  They only see her every week or two.  You could email both of her docs at the same time.

[hurthusband]

Lumps usually turn out to be nothing.

Maybe the meds are making her worse, if she was better 2 years ago.  I know you are trying to do everything you can to hold out and see if she will recover.  You love her.  It's ok.  Just don't put yourself in a bad situation, and prepare for the worst.  Hope for the best.

If these meds are not helping, maybe she just shouldn't be on them.  Or should be on diff ones.  Maybe you can suggest to her therapist, without offending him, that she has changed a lot in 2 years and you think maybe her medication is making it worse.  They don't see what you see, and they should know this.  They only see her every week or two.  You could email both of her docs at the same time.

I have told her this and told her psychologist about it.  She does not want me communicating with her doctors.  Woke me again at 3:45 am to ask if we are going to make it then say everything is a mess and she doesnt see how.  She wants a plan on how we can improve things.  I tell her its hard to make a long term plan when I know nothing of her future and what she wants to do.  She says she cannot determine what she wants to do with her life unless she knows what my future is.

I have built a small business, I have close to a 6 figure job.  Its not great, the hours are long... 6 days a week 10 hours most days...  She says she feels alone, she says she needs help.  I understand where she is coming from.  I just do not know what else or more I can do.  I cannot see a way to make more money... . if I stay in my career and also my family business I will eventually inherit it.  Its a guaranteed $250k+ a year.  I just do not know for sure when.  If I leave, I do not know what might happen.  

I do not know how to make more money so she can do what she wants, have more time off, etc.

at same time, my wife is very good at destroying boundaries.  For instance, doctor told me that next time she demands I leave for the night, I just refuse.

I did this the other night, and she then said "if you do not leave, I am going to leave with the kids and you will never see nor hear from us again until court"

I feel like I am at that point in the movie where the partner of somebody is dying... they are injured and in bad shape.  The other person knows there is not much hope and not much they can do and that trying to get them out will probably end up with them dead too, but the guilt and pressure of abandoning them and not taking the chance weighs on them...

I know what happens without me.  My wife cannot earn the money she needs, she has no mental support left, she cannot get the mental help then cause she cannot afford it.  I do not see how it does not end up in suicide... .

all cause i tried to save myself...  and I know she is right to a degree.  a relationship even if one has BPD is two sided and each contributes.  I just cannot tell what I am doing wrong and what is the BPD making unreasonable demands

[maxsterling]

Woke me again at 3:45 am to ask if we are going to make it then say everything is a mess and she doesnt see how.  She wants a plan on how we can improve things.  I tell her its hard to make a long term plan when I know nothing of her future and what she wants to do.  She says she cannot determine what she wants to do with her life unless she knows what my future is.

HA!  I got the same thing last night as she was laying in bed. Her: "What is going to happen to me?"  Me:  "Whatever you want to happen to you." 

She does this constantly, and it's very telling about the core of this illness.  A pwBPD HAS NO INTERNAL IDENTITY.  Myself and probably most humans recognize that they have a role in shaping their own future, and that if we want something or need something there are actions we can take to try and achieve that.  My GF, on the other hand, thinks that what happens to her is all up to other people, society, the universe, whatever.  She may ask, "will I always be poor?"  Well, most people know there are things they can do to change that, such as getting a job.  Not her.

I know what happens without me.  My wife cannot earn the money she needs, she has no mental support left, she cannot get the mental help then cause she cannot afford it.  I do not see how it does not end up in suicide... .

My GF says I saved her life.  She says she would be on the street without me.  And I have little doubt, very bad things would happen if I just told her tonight, "I am no longer happy in this relationship, I think we should break up."  I would expect cutting, suicide attempt, or drug use.  I'm 99% certain of that.  And while there are many reasons I haven't proposed marriage to her, a very real reason is what you mentioned above.  I'm worried that if we got married she will lose her social services, and should the marriage not last, that's one less thing she can fall back on.  As of now, she is getting mental health services, disability money, and Medicaid.  That's at least some means she has of taking care of herself.  If we were married, it's all on me. 

[Surnia]

at same time, my wife is very good at destroying boundaries.  For instance, doctor told me that next time she demands I leave for the night, I just refuse.

I did this the other night, and she then said "if you do not leave, I am going to leave with the kids and you will never see nor hear from us again until court"

HH

yes, boundaries - some of our SOs are really boundary challenging. I think this is one of the most important things when you are decided to stay. Working on boundaries. My guess is that your wife is good in speaking about consequences, not sure if action will follow.

Anyway - work on boundaries. Many of us are or were struggling with it. Its something we can learn.

Hang in there, HH.

[hurthusband]

my wife is quite determined.  She sets her mind to something and she does follow through

she had a professor in school who was her mentor and friend. He was a bit of a jerk.  He was up for tenure and was supposedly not letting her move on because he wanted free work.  She ended up costing him his tenure.  I am not exactly sure if it was all his fault or if she went off on him, but my wife will go down in flames when she goes down.  She is spectacularly gifted and particularly good at getting her way no matter what the cost... .   not just with me but with everyone

She has made threats about saying things to get me thrown in jail and denying other things I have covered up for her to protect her from jail.  She has threatened to do things to harm the careers of those I care about just to get at me

The problem is the threats bear such consequences it is not worth the risk.  She is not one to be trifled with. 

Her own therapist told her once that she felt a bit overpowered by her and fearful while I was sitting there.  She would make a fantastic leader if she was not hindered by anger, rage, and the inability to empathize with anyone.  She has incredible compassion and sympathy, for those hurt, but she cannot see things from others viewpoint

[momtara]

Your therapist should be helping you to realize you are probably not doing anything wrong.

You are not a miracle worker who can know exactly how to tiptoe exactly right so as not to offend her.   You are doing such a good job and still she is upset half the time.

"I did this the other night, and she then said "if you do not leave, I am going to leave with the kids and you will never see nor hear from us again until court"

Well, that's part of the problem.  She is making threats and one day they may come true.  It's common with BPD, but how long can you live controlled by threats?

That said, you love her and the kids and you are trying your best to make sure things stay together.  I just wish there was some way to cure her.  I know you wish that too.

Just do not give up the job.  You NEED this job.  It's your one ounce of security, and the thing that may save you some day, may give you the money you need to defend herself if she ever makes a false accusation or anthing else.

You really should get a tape recorder just in case.

[hurthusband]

therapist really hammers home that I am not at fault and so does her therapist when we go as a couple...

I just cannot get it through my head, much I guess the same way she cannot get through her head some of the things the therapist says.

I am guessing overtime it slowly creeps in and sticks or just suddenly hits, but its not there yet