Breakup lands bf in the hospital

[chillamom]

Hi, folks,

I posted my introduction a few days ago…briefly, broke up with BPD partner of 5 years last week, after recycling many times.  Trying very hard to go NC….done pretty darn well except for a few brief email/text responses.  This morning I get a call from him…he is hospitalized, and from what I could make out, very delusional.  His mother blames me for this latest psychotic break.  My ex and I had a very volatile relationship (hey, who on here doesn't right?) but it was complicated by the fact that I am significantly older than him and everyone thought it was ridiculous in the first place.  Needless to say, I am beside myself with pain and incredible GUILT over what happened.  I guess I'm looking to see if anyone else has had a similar experience…... have you ever broken up with your SO and had that result in a hospitalization?  I am legitimately sitting here thinking I have ruined another human being and I am overcome with the thought….should I have stayed with him and sacrificed my own sanity?  Should I try to talk to him?  What is the right thing to do here?  Please help!  Thanks.

[fromheeltoheal]

Hi, folks,

I posted my introduction a few days ago…briefly, broke up with BPD partner of 5 years last week, after recycling many times.  Trying very hard to go NC….done pretty darn well except for a few brief email/text responses.  This morning I get a call from him…he is hospitalized, and from what I could make out, very delusional.  His mother blames me for this latest psychotic break.  My ex and I had a very volatile relationship (hey, who on here doesn't right?) but it was complicated by the fact that I am significantly older than him and everyone thought it was ridiculous in the first place.  Needless to say, I am beside myself with pain and incredible GUILT over what happened.  I guess I'm looking to see if anyone else has had a similar experience…... have you ever broken up with your SO and had that result in a hospitalization?  I am legitimately sitting here thinking I have ruined another human being and I am overcome with the thought….should I have stayed with him and sacrificed my own sanity?  Should I try to talk to him?  What is the right thing to do here?  Please help!  Thanks.

Sacrificing your own sanity for someone else doesn't make rational sense, you know that, and digging to see why you'd consider it may result in a lot of personally growth, the gift of the relationship.  I left my ex because I thought I was literally going insane, I get the feeling exactly.

Guilt is popular around here, it's even the G in FOG, it's been elevated to acronym status.  I've always been a people pleaser type, putting other people's needs ahead of my own, and combine that with the project that is a borderline, and the 'skills' a borderline uses to systematically attack your self esteem, to control you so you won't leave, and we're predisposed to go to guilt whenever something happens with the ex.

My ex was a huge burden on the medical community, panic attacks, endless ailments, systolic blood pressure consistently over 200.  Although I was never sure, since she'd use medical catastrophes as an excuse to disappear for a few days so she could go screw someone; that 'heart attack' she said she had was just another tryst.

Anyway, the right thing to do is leave him in the hands of professionals; if he really is having some kind of medical or mental emergency, he's in the right place.  Plus, you're a negative trigger now, so you will hurt more than help just by being you, which really has nothing to do with you.

Time to focus on you, as hard as that seems right now.  These relationships are unbalanced, and you may have been playing rescuer and caretaker for a while, shifting the focus to you and your needs may seem unnatural and selfish, but if you don't take care of you, who will?  Really, answer that.

[Tolou]

I went threw similar feelings... . But if you left, there was a reason, a rational adult reason.  Unfortunately, some people can handle that rejection and they end up hospitalized.  I ended up changing my number shortly after because my attempts to communicate to the person I knew, were done.  She became unstable, and then it was followed by mulitiple hospitalizations, with the mom balming me as well... . I felt guilt, shame, embarrassment, anger. etcc... .

Luckily, when I called her own brother for help one day, he said to me... . "my sister is crazy, if you don't leave her be, she might really kill herself, file a restraining order if you have to, get away"... .

Almost like a guardian Angel for me, because after that I took heed, comng from her own brother, he seemed like the most rational one that I spoke with in the famiy.

What mess your life can become if you CHOOSE to get tangled in that web.  If your done, be done.  Let someone else help them move forward and clod as it sounds they need be take responsibility for their own actions.

[Surnia]

Hi chillamon

I am really sorry to hear about your ex being psychotic and hospitalized.

As someone with 2 family members bipolar and with psychotic episodes I know how difficult this is! 

Its just stronger than us. Our behavior may be sometimes the catalysator for a psychotic break - there is a mental illness like schizophrenia or Bipolar which is the cause.

So I am with fromheeltoehal here about focusing on yourself. You cannot heal this. Good psychiatrists can do however a lot today.

What you can do is work through your feelings in your situation. That you preserve to be happy and that his mental issues is not in your control.

Does this make sense?

[DiamondSW]

I think i'll try to post as factually as possible and you can make your own mind/thought process up.

I was a very successful teacher and loved my job and the ability to freelance before I met my BPDexgf.  Our relationship started like heaven, then spirally out of (anyone's) control, despite her weekly T sessions.

As she got poorlier, so I 'lost'' clients and became depressed.  I was shouted at, blamed, made to feel unsuccessful and worthless, and lied to.  I had her quoting passages from the bible -which confused me, publically humiliated me, and I was silent treatmented for so long that I began to feel that I was a horrible, awful, disgusting person.  Over time I self harmed and then ended up in hosptal myself.  For me it was a total meltdown.

Was she there for me?  No.  Not one call.  She knew where I was, she 'knew' the words and actions that had put me there, but when I really needed her -she was nowhere.  6mths on, she's still nowhere and doing nothing with her life other than relying on other people's money and preaching the bible. 

Put yourself first.  Your life, your happiness and your health matters to others.  My PWBPD made me feel that I didn't matter... . yes, her words were (sometimes) sweet (not always!)  "your special"... . "you're so talented", "I love you"... . but her actions were awful... .  

Don't feel bad.  You have made a RATIONAL decision based upon healthy evaluation.  I wwas so caught up with her stories of sexual abuse, her disgusting mother's words, her loneliness, indeed sheer confusion -that I stayed TOO long and mistakenly believed that she 'loved me' truthfully.  SHE DIDN'T.  She NEEDED me, but didn't love anyone or anything. 

Ignore the family blackmail and colld words too.  I was expected to buy my exGF a house/home and support her because 'that's what men do'... .   really?  we weren't married, no children, nothing... .

She wasn't my responsibility.

My health was/is my responsibility.  Thankfully, I got through it.  But only just. 

Where is she now?  Goodness knows... .   she didn't care about anyone other than herself though and it won't change ever... .  

[Lucky Jim]

Hey chillamom, I echo those above.  Your BPD Ex is an adult who is responsible for taking care of himself.  You did your best for a long time -- five years -- and now it's time to let the professionals take over.  There's really nothing you can do to help in this situation and the preferred course, as fromheeltoheal suggests, is to take care of yourself.  I understand the guilt.  My BPDxW threatened suicide something like 15 times and I carried a lot of guilt, which wasn't healthy for me.  The right thing to do is to continue to detach, in my view.  Lucky Jim

[2010]

You’re worried about saving him, but who is going to save you? Who is there for you?

The answer is: You.

He’s in good hands, in fact, for the most part, Borderlines do better in hospital settings because they perceive hospital care as concern and this lessens their abandonment woes. It’s after the hospital discharge that the real drama begins, so let’s talk about that.

but it was complicated by the fact that I am significantly older than him and everyone thought it was ridiculous in the first place. 

Did it ever occur to you that you have replaced his Mother? You are older, presentably wiser and therefore parentifying him. He has basically traded in one parent-child relationship for another (that’s you.) This is something very common on these boards and you must understand your part in it. Why do you feel guilty? It’s probably because you’ve been placed in a one-up position and if you don’t try your best at all times you feel like a failure. But guess what? This isn’t about his failure, it’s about your perceived lack of success.

Before you get sucked back into this maelstrom of perceived responsibility for a disorder, stop yourself and challenge your belief that you have to do anything other than take care of your own well being. Your personal wellness is now being forced through a churning caldron of family dysfunction that was in play long before you came onto the scene. You might have asked them what part you were meant to play in the beginning, but they couldn’t tell you- that interplay is so deeply ingrained that it only surfaces with a third party (that's you) to offset blame.

You had to find out this on your own. I'm sorry, I know it's painful, but this is a tremendous opportunity for personal growth.

Step back, listen to yourself. Face your fears of being irresponsible about another human being's happiness. You do not have that power. Let that idea of reference about yourself go. Your happiness is mistakenly intertwined to his for a reason. Find out what that reason is. Find a trusted counselor and tell them how this makes you feel. Only then will you start to understand a few things about yourself and why this person (and their family dysfunction,) is attractive to you while defending your own sense of self worth. 

[chillamom]

I've only been on this board for a day or so, but already you folks who have responded to my message (and the many, many others whose messages I have read) have done so much to help me put things in a better and more rational perspective, and I shall try very hard to stay there!  I really appreciate your sharing your ideas; I know I am in for a rough ride but I'm very glad I found this board.  Thank you for helping me to feel a tad more "normal" in the midst of this tsunami!

[Carter]

Yes,

As I was moving out at the start of my first separation from dBPWw, she OD'd and ended up in ICU then the pyjama room at the sanitorium,

Very difficult indeed, as others have said way beyond your ability to fix, keep reading stuff here, it helps

[Promises]

Yes.  He sent me a picture of himself with a gun to his head.  I called his mother even though it was about his 5th suicide threat with me.  She called the sheriffs office, he lives in the country.  They took him to a nearby hospital but released him a few hours later because he showed he wasn't a danger to himself.  he wasn't.  It was one of his top 5 manipulation tactics.  I got blamed for calling his mother and causing him embarrassment because I should have known he was just doing it to get my attention according to him.  He also claimed to have not ate for 6days because of what I did to him which was trying to save my own sanity by trying for the 20th time to free myself from his torture.

Promises

[chillamom]

Oh, Promises, I am so sorry to hear about this awful situation …... I guess one of the hardest parts is knowing when things like this are "real" and when we are being manipulated yet again….from what I am learning by reading this board, manipulation is the more common basis.  My ex called from the hospital last night begging me to pick him up (he had obviously tried to check himself out) but when he called this morning it was from the hospital again (and from a different # so I couldn't NOT answer, so I guess he's still in there).  I probably should have hung up right away, but instead I tried to speak calmly to him , told him I wished him well and he should focus on nothing but getting well  (ha!), etc.  This is not the first time he's taken this trip, and certainly not the first time I have tried to extricate myself.  Let's hope for both of us (ALL of us on here!)  that we stay strong and centered and do the right thing, although sometimes I don't know what that is….

[Lucky Jim]

Hi chillamom, Well, you didn't pick him up from the hospital so that's a step in the right direction.

Yes.  He sent me a picture of himself with a gun to his head.  I called his mother even though it was about his 5th suicide threat with me.  She called the sheriffs office, he lives in the country.  They took him to a nearby hospital but released him a few hours later because he showed he wasn't a danger to himself.  he wasn't.  It was one of his top 5 manipulation tactics.  I got blamed for calling his mother and causing him embarrassment because I should have known he was just doing it to get my attention according to him.  

Promises, I had a similar experience when I called my BPDxW's T after one of her many suicide threats.  T said I shouldn't have contacted her.  (what should I have done?)  Anyway, as you say, it was all a big manipulation tactic and she wasn't really a danger to herself, either.  Maybe it was just a ploy for attention, but it was extremely stressful on me.  Lucky Jim

[Calm Waters]

Hi yes this is all too familiar and it seems common. When I broke up with my exBPDgf she took an overdose and nearly died. I was blamed by her family, luckily she recovered but I stupidly through guilt got drawn in again only to be replaced dumped and abused once she had recovered. We / you are not responsible for the actions of others, I left in the kindest most caring way I could after weeks of crazy behaviour, the suicide attempt in a fit of narcissistic rage was an attempt to say ' I will show you ' and you will live with it forever! it would have destroyed me I have no doubt, a lucky escape. Keep away and work hard to recover your equilibrium.

[chillamom]

Thanks, Calm Waters….I'm glad you can be proud of yourself for leaving in the most sane and kind way….unfortunately, I can't comfort myself with that….our "final scene" last week was a nightmare.  I'm ashamed to admit it, but after 3 hours of bizarre accusations and delusions on his part I finally broke and started screaming at him as much as he was screaming at me….I am so embarrassed because I'm usually very calm and centered (on the outside!) but I really let him have it and he left about 3 a.m……... i feel awful about this, as well as a zillion other things.  I had often rehearsed my exit prior to the real event happening, and always thought I was capable of a rational, loving conversation, but alas I was not (I honestly don't think he would have been either). One more point of guilt that I have to someday let go.  It makes me think all the horrible things he has said over the years are true…., I wonder if BPD by contact is possible?

Anyway, I appreciate everyone who has taken the time to offer their insights so very much!  Thank you!

[ShakinMyHead]

Hi Chilla, I'm so sorry you are going through this. But, You've already sacrificed yourself, as your depression has effected the people you would've touched already, but didn't because of your own depression. Why is his self involved existence more important than a person as yourself that can actually feel Compassion and Empathy. Sometimes, it's our own Narcissism that thinks we are enough to carry yet another being, when we have not yet cleaned up our own side of the street. I cannot tell you exactly where it is, I will look but don't have time this moment, but during one of my recycles I discovered a reading in the new testament, Jew that I am, that says, that Christ said, (don't quote me) but, try to help someone once, twice, and then you let go, never go down with a ship that is sinking if you can save your life. It's not what G-d wants for us. It's a sin. That helped me a lot when I thought I was being so altruistic. If you read more you will also find that us going back to them is enabling their sickness, not helping them. We trigger their BPD symptoms now and the cycle is no good for them either. This is your exBPDbf's reaction to stress, his coping mechanism's. Let him hit bottom. He's being taken care of, his family is around him, and he's going to be ok. Of course his mom is pissed off. Wouldn't you be if your son was coming back home to live with you in this condition, at this age. This is not cancer, where the patient is a passive victim, this is a miserable personality disorder, yes an illness, but it's "The bites the hand that feeds them disorder". God speed, keep coming back… SMH

[chillamom]

Thank you, SMH (and others).  SMH, I especially liked your comment about "cleaning up your own side of the street".  Several others have mentioned that the gift, as it were, in these relationships is the ability to get your head clear about your own stuff…... something I should have done years ago because ironically enough, I'm a psychologist (although thankfully not a clinical one…I would be awful!)  I am going to be doing a lot of sweeping and reflecting in the weeks and months to come, and I know that it will be good and long overdue.  But still, now he is calling me and leaving voicemail messages to come visit him in the hospital and he's crying and my heart is breaking……this is just awful….thank you!

[Lucky Jim]

Hello again, chilla, You may need to set some boundaries here.  Those w/BPD are experts at breaking boundaries and we Nons tend to have weak ones.  You don't need to pick up every time he calls, nor do you need to respond to every voicemail.  And visiting him in the hospital may be a bad idea.  So take a deep breath and think about what boundaries are right for you.  LJ

[chillamom]

Hi, Lucky Jim, You're right, I have had pretty penetrable boundaries in the past and am trying to develop stronger ones.  I am definitely NOT going to visit him, I think that it be pretty much the worst thing for both of us right now, plus I would completely lose the respect of my teen daughters, who have been imploring me to leave for YEARS and are breathing a sigh of relief now that I've made a decision.  My exBPDbf is just so damn GOOD with the guilt, and I feel like a total bhit for not buying into it.

[pinkparchment]

Chilla, I am so sorry you are going through this. It's such a confusing, helpless situation.

Yes, I have been there. I didn't even break up with my exBPDgf, just scared her by having an honest conversation about my fears for our future. I did feel guilty, and I know her best friend and probably her family blame me, but it was her sixth hospitalization. So I know it's the breakup (?) and not me personally putting her there. And she's told me before that she loves being in the hospital, the attention and the calm and the quiet etc. I was (am) still in love with her, but she met someone in the hospital (yea, seriously... . that should go well) that she's seeing now so she completely cut me out of her life in a way I could never have imagined.

Many, many borderlines crave the hospital setting and almost look for reasons to go. She also gets more attention from her family and friends for awhile after she gets out.

[Samsara121]

Hi, Lucky Jim, You're right, I have had pretty penetrable boundaries in the past and am trying to develop stronger ones.  I am definitely NOT going to visit him, I think that it be pretty much the worst thing for both of us right now, plus I would completely lose the respect of my teen daughters, who have been imploring me to leave for YEARS and are breathing a sigh of relief now that I've made a decision.  My exBPDbf is just so damn GOOD with the guilt, and I feel like a total bhit for not buying into it.

I can feel for you in that heavy situation and emotional blackmail. Guilt feelings are so exhausting. I share the same weak point and thank you Lucky Jim for this helper: Developing healthy boundaries to protect our inner strength, yet a challenge when emotions are strong.

I'm happy to know that you have your daughters around to remind you about how GOOD they feel about your decision to leave. Those kids are the ones who need you to be strong. Let them guide you with their gifted ability to live the present moment.

I wish you courage and determination in this mission. Take very good care of you 3.

[Tolou]

Calm water, I can realte to post and so many others.

When my ex attemtped suicide after I told I think it be better for us not to see eachother, she came to my house an hour later, knocked, threw a half bottle of sleeping pills inmy face and tried to overdose, 1st of three attemtps and multiple gestures and threats.  I took her back the first time, then gradually watched a 35 y/o woman turn into a 3-5 y/o child before my eyes.  It was the most heart wrenching experience I have been threw, never had a break-up go this way.  I still can't believe all that transpired but I am happy I had the stength to leave because I came to the realization, nothing I did got threw, or was enough... . Most irrational person I have come across, the tantrums, accusations, manipulations, lies, lack responsibility, just all out obsurdity... . I thank the heavens above that I did have children with her and got out when I did.

Everyone posting here in this thread has so many things in common in terms of the experiences and it has 100% been a huge part of helping move knowing that

1> I am not alone

2> I am not crazy

3> I am rational

4> I deserve better

5> I did what I could

6> NO regrets

7> It is not my fault there is no way I could have known what lied ahead. Thank you all!

[HealingForMe]

Hi, Lucky Jim, You're right, I have had pretty penetrable boundaries in the past and am trying to develop stronger ones.  

You're not the only one who has trouble setting & enforcing boundaries. Its a skill we have to learn, I know I do!

My exBPDbf is just so damn GOOD with the guilt, and I feel like a total bhit for not buying into it.

pwBPD are brilliant at FOG. They are so good at it because its their defense mechanism to avoid abandonment.

She has put a knife to her own throat a few times & drawn blood. I worry that she may accidentally kill herself doing this (Fear for her safety... . also mine as her smear campaign has made friends/family make threats against me)

She has also said that I'm ugly, will never find another woman to love me & I'll die alone. I know this is projection. thats the way she's feeling about herself... . & that makes me sad (Obligation to help her)

I still feel so guilty for leaving me BPDexgf. She ended up in the hospital that night after cutting & needed surgery. It wasn't the first time & I know it wont be the last. That makes me sad too (Guilt for causing this)

So thats FOG. I'm aware of this but I still cant help it. Thats how good they are at FOG.

Stay strong & remember its NOT your fault & its NOT your responsibility. As others have said you would just be a trigger for her right now. Your responsibility is to yourself & your daughters.

Good luck, stay strong & I'll pray for us both (plus everyone else on here)

[Waddams]

When we keep getting sucked back in, in a certain fashion, we actually block a pwPD's chances for recovery.  As long as they have us, they will continue in their destructive behaviors.  They won't grow until they have no other options.

So it's okay to feel bad for them when we have to break up, and it's okay to feel bad for them when they act out and hurt themselves in the aftermath.  But realize that you're really doing the best thing for you, and for them.  Try to separate feelings so that you can have empathy and sympathy but not feel guilty.

I think all of us on here tend to think with our hearts very strongly without engaging thinking with our heads.  Learning to better blend the two together is essential for our own growth.  We know it's for the best for all parties, doesn't make it easy, but you can dip into that knowledge to ward off the guilt.

[fromheeltoheal]

They won't grow until they have no other options.

That applies to me too.  I spent time in denial, then lots of blame, a bunch of anger, justification, lots more anger, depression, fueled by alcohol, sleeping pills, isolation, throw in self criticism and plenty of disempowering beliefs, blah, blah... .

That sht will wear you out.  And it did.  Then and some point I decided to get real, face the facts, adjust my beliefs, live healthfully, stop running, live in my emotions, feel instead of think.  It's been a process, it continues to be a process.  Life is better, and at times worse, but I am feeling it all today, living all the way because I ran out of options.  Long time coming.

[Lucky Jim]

Well said, fromheeltoheal.  That "stuff" did wear me out, until there was nothing left in my tank.  After all the drama, craziness, abuse and panoply of life with a pwBPD came to an end after our b/u and subsequent divorce, I made a vow to be authentic w/myself and my feelings, which wasn't so easy after years of ignoring my gut feelings, covering for my BPDxW and pretending things were OK when they weren't.  As you note fromhtoh, life is better, and sometimes worse, but it's all OK and at times beautiful to be living in a way that corresponds with my true self again.  I know that sounds "new age-y" but maybe some of you can relate.  Lucky Jim

[chillamom]

I can certainly relate to feeling "FOGged in" and worn down, as all of us can.  I have made the mistake of picking up the phone a few times over the past day when my ex called (from the hospital) and it's just heart wrenching.  No one is coming to visit him, he blames me for alienating his  (very few) friends, they want to do ECT, he is begin restrained…... I am standing resolute in NOT going to see him of course, but I just feel so awful.  I know I would be even more of a trigger, and I know staying away is the only way he will detach, but honestly, I didn't think it would be quite so hard. And now, of course, I'm worried about what will happen when he gets out….there have been some (vaguely threatening) messages that sound of course delusional, but I'm still scared.  And my clinician friends tell me getting a restraining order would only enrage him more.  So I feel like a sitting duck….I feel so incredibly sorry for him, but I am trying hard to believe that the folks at the hospital will at least get his immediate behaviors under control…when he gets out he will blame me for failing his graduate class this semester, losing his online business, everything….and then I will be in the crosshairs.  Sorry to use this as a venting place, but there's no one else who could understand this weird and disturbing mixture of love, empathy, hatred and fear that I am feeling.  It's exhausting to be at work and teaching my classes and just trying to be somewhat normal for my students and kids. I just pray that ALL of us will be able to look back on these days and know that it was not for naught.

[HealingForMe]

Sorry to use this as a venting place, but there's no one else who could understand this weird and disturbing mixture of love, empathy, hatred and fear that I am feeling.

Thats what we're here for, to vent our own feelings, to describe our journey & to support others in theirs. So don't feel guilty about venting on here... . you're feeling enough guilt as it is, you really don't need to feel guilt for anything you say here!

You certainly are going through a very difficult time. But I'm glad you're seeing clearly & know that you are just a trigger for him.

When he does get out, if there is any threatening behaviour, I would reconsider the RO. Your safety is the most important thing here.

Good luck chillamom, my heart really goes out to you