dd17 refusing to go to her dbt therapy

[sadandscared]

  I know how lucky we are to have our daughter in adolescent dbt therapy. But after going twice a week an hour away to the sessions since Oct. she is now refusing to go. If we don't go this Sat. she will be kicked out. I was told this is the "gold standard" of treatment for people suffering from BPD. So now what? Just hope and pray for the best? I'm so tired, defeated, helpless, hopeless, ect.

  I'm not looking for anyone to fix me. I just needed to write it down. :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

This must be so frustrating and upsetting.

Do you ever get to speak to her therapist? I wonder if the therapist will try to re-engage her and could also advise you on the best way to respond.

I think sometimes rather than trying to persuade the young person to participate the therapist appears to shut the door in their face, which has the opposite effect and brings them back.

There is also sometimes a 3 misses and you're out rule for groups but they are given the option to return to a future group.

[griz]

Hi:  I haven't been positing for a while but when I saw your post I wanted to reply.  My daughter at the age of 16 also did DBT 2X a week.  We did this for 6 months, some days she went willingly and other times it was a struggle.  At the end of the first 6 month cycle she told me she was never going back again.  I spoke with her therapist at the time and she felt that she was really not engaging the way she should and maybe we should give it a break... . and that is how we presented it.  She knew that the door was open for her to go back at any time.  After about 4 months of not going she came to me and asked me if she could go back.  She had decided that she was ready to "do the work".  Our DBT center does two 6 month cycles of DBT skills group and they feel that it doesn't really sink in until the second time around.

We completed the second cycle and she was ready.  After the second cycle she actually considered signing up for group again and her therapist told her that she could or if she wanted to just work on certain skills she could join in on a group cycle whenever she wanted.  She still sees her individual therapist at DBT once a week and not only goes willingly but makes sure that this is a priority. 

When I ask her why she gave us such a hard time the first go round she honestly tells me that "she was not ready to get help".  She has also vocalized that she wish she would have been willing to accept help earlier.  I think part of it was just naturally becoming more mature.  Her life is not perfect by any means now but she does use her skills regularly and I see an individual DBT therapist seperately and it helps me and my dh. 

I know what it feels like to feel tired, defeated and helpless but PLEASE do not feel hopeless.  Things can get better.  Can you go to DBT therapy yourself?  I found the things that my DBT therapist helped me with made such a huge difference and it also gives me a safe place to talk about me.

Griz

[theplotthickens]

How frustrating.  I have had my daughter refuse to see more therapists than not.  She will ether "click" with a therapist, or she will not.  I think a therapeutic relationship is the MOST important thing, even more important than the therapists orientation.  Do you think your daughter is clicking with this therapist?  Would trying a new DBT therapist be worth a try?

[sadandscared]

She is saying that she wants to go back to the therapist she had before. The one that referred her to dbt. I am fine with that, I guess. I'm just frustrated that she can't stick with anything. Her dbt therapist is good, I feel like he listens but also calls her out on stuff. I think she wants to go to someone that will agree with her at all times. The way the dbt program goes here is that you have 4 missed sessions and you are out of the program. You can't join up again for 1 year. I don't know how strict they are on that.

I talk to her therapist quite often. We go together for at least 15 mins. and then she finishes the hour with just him. When we go to group it is with parent and child. Plus he wants all of us to call him anytime things are going bad for advice or just a heads up on what's going on. I use the coaching phone at least once a week but she never does. This is the only dbt group in our area.

It's Fri. and I know she'll be taking off to spend the weekend with the druggie boyfriend. Makes me sick. I told her that in no way do we approve of her spending time with him. She'll leave anyway. We had a decent talk yesterday about why she wants to be with him and her response was " because they were going to have a baby together"(she was pregnant last summer and had an abortion). I know that was and still is a hard and horrible thing for her. I wish she could move on from that,  hopefully someday.  She told me that he talks about "needing to get their baby back" even in front of other people. Weird and sick! Right?   UGH!

[Being Mindful]

Hi sadandscared,

How old is your daughter? Is she a teen? If she is a minor, you might want to check your local laws for her being gone for the weekend and the implications for you and your husband. Regarding the DBT, they will be strict on missing 4 times... . if they are truly following DBT which it sounds like they are.

[sadandscared]

Our daughter is 17, she'll be 18 next month. She did take off on Fri. to go to the boyfriends house. What a deal that turned into. I woke up on Sat. to find her home. She was crying and told us how in the middle of the night the boyfriend started accusing her of cheating on him and went into a terrible rage. He threw her down and started throwing things at her. I guess he busted up his mothers house pretty good. The stepfather got our daughter out of the house and in the car. The boyfriend threw himself onto the hood of the car, fell off and the stepfather ran over his leg. The boyfriends twin brother called the police and he was arrested. He is currently in jail and I'm hoping he will be there awhile. He had a warrant for his arrest for drugs before this even happened. The stepfather gave our daughter a ride home and told her that she needs to stay away from his stepson because he's bad. She was very upset over the whole thing. But I'm hoping that this will truly be it. We went to her therapy session yesterday. But she did tell the therapist that she didn't want to continue with dbt and wants to go back to her other therapist. I'm going to have to be okay with decision.