Discernment, critical thinking and judging.

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

I've known that I was lacking in these skills. I don't think I had the chance to learn them as a child and then with an early and long marriage to a pwBPD it was easier to accept things as I was told rather than think them through. If I had used discernment, critical thinking and judging during those years of circular conversations and half lies and deceit would I have stayed?

So, as part of my growth journey, I have been working on these skills and thought I was making progress... . until... . I read a recent post by Tausk. It is under the article review section on this site. The article was recently brought forward from 2007 and like most other posters on the article I thought this is great! Why, because I read without discernment, without critical thinking and without judging the article. There were some good points in the article and some traits of BPD noted that I could relate to and had not previously seen. When I came to parts of the article that I thought whacky my mind skipped over them, essentially erasing them from the article. When I came to parts of the article that made me feel uncomfortable I thought the author must be more informed than I am. I gave up my thinking in order to relate to those parts of the article that I believed. In other words I accepted the whole, which I did not believe, because of a small part that I connected to on an emotional level.

Tausk wrote a great post, he outlined the way he researched and obviously spent some time considering the ideas of the whole article. He used discernment, critical thinking and was then able to judge whether the article was appropriate to him or not. It was a great lesson for me.

[Cumulus]

I've known that I was lacking in these skills. I don't think I had the chance to learn them as a child and then with an early and long marriage to a pwBPD it was easier to accept things as I was told rather than think them through. If I had used discernment, critical thinking and judging during those years of circular conversations and half lies and deceit would I have stayed?

So, as part of my growth journey, I have been working on these skills and thought I was making progress... . until... . I read a recent post by Tausk. It is under the article review section on this site. The article was recently brought forward from 2007 and like most other posters on the article I thought this is great! Why, because I read without discernment, without critical thinking and without judging the article. There were some good points in the article and some traits of BPD noted that I could relate to and had not previously seen. When I came to parts of the article that I thought whacky my mind skipped over them, essentially erasing them from the article. When I came to parts of the article that made me feel uncomfortable I thought the author must be more informed than I am. I gave up my thinking in order to relate to those parts of the article that I believed. In other words I accepted the whole, which I did not believe, because of a small part that I connected to on an emotional level.

Tausk wrote a great post, he outlined the way he researched and obviously spent some time considering the ideas of the whole article. He used discernment, critical thinking and was then able to judge whether the article was appropriate to him or not. It was a great lesson for me.

[livednlearned]

I really identify with this, cumulus.

Same for me -- no chance to learn these as a child, and if I did exercise my judgement, my dad would dismiss my thoughts or feelings.

Critical thinking, judgment, and discernment grow out of a strong sense of self, a healthy emotional core, good boundaries, feeling validated that our beliefs and thoughts and feelings are true and real.

But in my experience with N/BPDx, there was no amount of critical thinking, judgement or discernment that would've stopped the circular arguments, gas lighting, or any of that. There were only two things that worked. Saying "stop" over and over, nothing else. And saying "no." If I said anything other than those two words, the circular arguments would go on for hours. I had to have a certain assertive tone when I said no or stop, too. I had to believe that's what I really wanted.

There are some good tools out there for people who struggle with this. I think it was Patricia Evans The Verbally Abusive Relationship where I found techniques to help me. I didn't find bpdfamily until I had left my ex, so didn't find the tools here until I was a year into my divorce. Some of the tools that helped me were things like, "I'll have to think about it." Or, "I'll get back to you after I've thought it over." I use these techniques at work, to give me time to process things at my own pace.

What really helps is learning to identify feelings -- when my body feels the fight or flight feeling (which I think I was in almost constantly in my FOO, and again with N/BPDx), I know it's a sign that I have to slow things down for myself.

My supervisor is a very reactive person, and she has been a great source of practice. I'm close enough to her that she is important, but she isn't family, so the stakes are a little lower. She's extremely competitive and likes to win, and I found myself getting caught up in these fast-paced arguments that I almost always lost. Now, I'll say, "I need to think about this more." Sometimes she'll say, "What is there to think about? There is x, and y, and nothing else." And when she tries to undermine me, that's a cue for me to repeat exactly what I just said. "I need to think about this more."

Once you start noticing these things, a whole world starts to open up. I can see manipulation much more easily now -- not always, but a lot of times. And I have a set of tools that help me navigate tricky conversations, and I'm better now at using my feelings and physical reactions to signal that I need to get my tool box out.

[Cumulus]

Hi LnL. You are right, it just takes practise. Over and over again working to make yourself question. I think a lot came from my father as well. It was the old do as I say type of upbringing. Voicing my own opinion was not acceptable. Tausk really seems a master of it. I do need to check out that book, thank you for the suggestion. Cumulus.

[livednlearned]

Hi LnL. You are right, it just takes practise. Over and over again working to make yourself question. I think a lot came from my father as well. It was the old do as I say type of upbringing. Voicing my own opinion was not acceptable. Tausk really seems a master of it. I do need to check out that book, thank you for the suggestion. Cumulus.

I've been thinking about this a lot lately.

One other thing I do is to see the positives. Or make excuses for people. Someone will be doing something that isn't good, and I'll see another side to it. It's like I'm being fair to a fault. Not sure if that's just my personality, or if it's connected to FOO (a survival mechanism?).

It seems connected to this thing about not having discernment.