Ongoing Rage

[Take2]

I think I probably should know the answer to this question, but I feel incredibly cloudy in my thinking right now... .   why is my exuBPD-bf constantly sending me raging texts even though he has moved on into a new r/s?  Yes he has multiple times inthe past week been kind - keeps that intermittent reinforcement going to make sure I stay put.  And if you've read anything about me on these boards, you'll know that I've had a very very difficult time detaching.  Each time I have truly thought it was over, it wasn't.  I allowed myself to get sucked back in - I allowed all boundaries to be run over. 

I can't even tell you how many times inthe past 2 days he's told me that he's blocking me (he says this as I'm not texting AT ALL - bc he knows it's incredibly hurtful to me to be shut out) - and then he goes on to text 100 more texts about disrespectful I was for whatever the last thought in his head is... .    I can't even read half the texts - it's so hurtful. 

I am trying to just focus on the thought that it's a toddler that is mad at me and I am trying to not give it attention. 

We are not NC because we work together.  I am moving forward in therapy and a 12step program now to try and break this wildly unhealthy addiction/bond that I have with him. 

Why does he keep spewing hatred at me?  How long does it last?

I guess I'm exhausted enough that I can't think it thru... .

thanks for any input... .

[heartandwhole]

Hi Take2,

Detaching can be so hard, it's understandable that you are struggling.  I'm concerned, though, that you are subjecting yourself to messages that are harmful not only for your detachment, but for your self-esteem.

Why does he keep spewing hatred at me?  How long does it last?

I guess I'm exhausted enough that I can't think it thru... .

thanks for any input... .

I can't answer why he keeps spewing, but I'd like to ask why you are still taking it?  Why are you reading these texts?  I don't mean that as a challenge, but as a deep question.  Do you hope that he will do an about face and want you back?  Do you feel you deserve this anger directed at you?  Is any contact better than none?

The answers will help you move forward.  Please be gentle with yourself.  You deserve to be loved and respected and cared for. 

[Tausk]

Take2:  I'm sorry for your pain. I know it's been very hard for you.

What is stopping you from blocking him?

I understand that it might be hard.  I would go back and forth about blocking, because I used think that maybe she might see the light, come back to me, apologize, take responsibility, acknowledge that we were soulmates, and that somehow between the two of us, the fact that she cheated on me would be reversed in the space-time continuum.    

But I had to surrender to the fact that all of the above was fantasy.  It wasn't going to ever happen.  It's a Disorder.  My ex is Bat Sh't Crazy and I wasn't far behind.

But I could do something.   So, you're writing on here is evidence that you are doing something helpful for yourself. Keep it up.  Keep sharing and reading and writing.

That's what is took for me to finally become sick and tired of being sick and tired and deciding to detach and move on.   Detaching includes blocking text to protect myself.  And allowing such texts is just harming my your ex as well.  It sinks him deeper into the Disorder.  No one wins when the Disorder is leading the participation.

Hang in there.  Keep at it, and keep hope alive.  Do you have any ideas on how to take care of yourself today?

[Take2]

Thanks for the responses Heartandwhole and Tausk... .   that is the question I guess... what is stopping me from blocking him... .   I don't know.  This might be an excuse but I think it will torture me more to wonder if he texted than to read the text rages.  His shutting me out seems to trigger me more than anything else.  His lying, his cheating, his raging, his doing a few things that are so bat-sh't-crazy - I've stayed thru all of it... .   his shutting me, I don't know what exactly it does to me other than causes me such intense pain.  I am trying to hard - and no, I absolutely do not deserve his rage or the things he has done "to teach me a lesson" (in his eyes) for whatever the transgression was at the time (again in his eyes). Usually things like he felt I didn't show proper respect with an action (talking to a male at work) or a comment.

Yes - it has made ME bat sh crazy.  No doubt.  I've taken steps to get thru it - therapy, being here, going to a 12 step program (just started) to get myself sane again.  And yet I struggle daily to let go of him in my heart.  It makes me so sad to think it isn't real.  Because he has been the love of my life.  And I've dated amazing men in my life - successful, handsome, healthy men - but it took this one, the off the charts abusive one - to stop me in my tracks.  I'm trying to work thru the book Betrayal Bonds by Patrick Carnes - to try and work thru my past trauma's and attempt to move thru this one.  I don't know. I know it's the intermittent reinforcement that my ex STILL gives me that keeps me hooked - another reason that I SHOULD block him.   As he texts me from his new gf's home as she is putting her 2 year old to bed so he can tell me he's thinking of me... .   wow... .    

Believe it or not, I am stronger than I was before.  But yet at the same time, I do still find myself teetering on the edge of severe depression.  Realizing that at some point, the point where I AM feeling stronger and better about myself, is when he'll some how get me again.  It's happened so many times - when I thought I was absolutely done. 

I'm almost afraid to try again - if it's just going to happen again to me.

[Take2]

And allowing such texts is just harming your ex as well.  It sinks him deeper into the Disorder.  No one wins when the Disorder is leading the participation.

Tausk... . can I ask what you mean by this?  how is allowing his texts harming my ex?  How does it sink him deeper into the disorder? 

At this point, I sit here and wonder if when things were beginning with me and ending with his prior r/s (as far as I knew they were already over but now I realize they likely were not - and by "they" - I do mean his other TWO r/s)... .   I wonder if as he was nice to me in the beginnning was he being a monster to one or both of those girls ?  Does he NEED to take his rage out on someone ?   When he stops being able to take it out on the ex, is that when he turns on the current GF?

I honestly wonder if my ex is not only borderline but also antisocial personality - I know that doesn't matter.  I just cannot wrap my head around truly grasping how someone can really be this way... .   he is a dangerous person and I know that.  He has threatened me many times and he has followed thru on one severe threat (nonviolent).  I do believe he himself has no idea how far he can take it. 

But I digress... .  

[patientandclear]

Take2, when things changed for me was when I had similar information about my ex's activities (he was seeing someone new, spending time w/her kids when my own child was the ostensible reason for leaving me), and yet he was still intensely cultivating me, just w/subtle shifts (no more texts b/c I guess it's a buzz kill to get texts from your standby/ex when courting the new woman) ... . and all of a sudden I saw all the fawning admiring comments as a strategy, a manipulation.  All of a sudden they ceased to give me that flood of happiness they used to provide.

I think your challenge is more to critically examine the good feelings you get when he praises and fawns, than to register that the bad stuff is bad. The good stuff is largely what he knows you need to hear to keep withstanding and rationalizing the indignities and betrayals.

[Tausk]

And allowing such texts is just harming your ex as well.  It sinks him deeper into the Disorder.  No one wins when the Disorder is leading the participation.

Tausk... . can I ask what you mean by this?  how is allowing his texts harming my ex?  How does it sink him deeper into the disorder?  

At this point, I sit here and wonder if when things were beginning with me and ending with his prior r/s (as far as I knew they were already over but now I realize they likely were not - and by "they" - I do mean his other TWO r/s)... .  I wonder if as he was nice to me in the beginnning was he being a monster to one or both of those girls ?  :)oes he NEED to take his rage out on someone ?   When he stops being able to take it out on the ex, is that when he turns on the current GF?

I honestly wonder if my ex is not only borderline but also antisocial personality - I know that doesn't matter.  I just cannot wrap my head around truly grasping how someone can really be this way... .  he is a dangerous person and I know that.  He has threatened me many times and he has followed thru on one severe threat (nonviolent).  I do believe he himself has no idea how far he can take it.  

But I digress... .  

It's the same as if you allowed a child to physically hit you when he was angry.  You teach him that hitting is an appropriate way to responds to his anger.  

You are enabling bad behavior by allowing him project his inappropriate behavior onto you.  Why should he ever change about the cheating when you allow him to cheat on his new GF and text you.  You encourage his cheating, by being the other woman.  You and him are cheating on his new GF.

How can this be helpful to his GF, his GF's daughter, Him or you?  It's not helpful.  It's not supportive.  It's destructive.  It's the Disorder.  

When his GF looks at his phone one day and reads all the texts to you, what is she going to feel about you?  How would you feel about finding those kinds of texts from your boyfriend while he was supposedly putting your child to bed?

I understand how hard it is. But I had to accept that the best I could do for both of us was to detach.

But it took me a long time to be able to block.  I did and then I'd want connection and unblock... . It was like I was recycling with the blocking and unblocking   

Maybe try blocking for an hour.  Or an evening.  And then maybe at night. Or a day... . small steps to detach.  

I hope you can do it.

[Take2]

Patientandclear. ... .   If I could see his kind words as manipulation I might have an easier time detaching... . problem has been that I find myself believing that it's ME he truly loves and always wanted to be with.  And I immediately allow myself to forget the horrendous names he just called and threats he's made to "destroy" my life... .   you'd think this was the only man on earth.

I will try to see it as manipulation but it's so hard.

I struggle as a freaking child would in feeling like I need to be loved by him.

And I struggle with letting go of wanting to help him get better... . so hard

[Take2]

Tausk... . well I obviously hadn't even looked at this from a view point of being the other woman when it was me being lied to and cheated on with this new gf.  I suppose you are right at this point though.  I would not want to hurt some unsuspecting girl nor her child. .

I am certain she has no idea she was the other woman originally.

I was pretty successful in not texting him this weekend.  I am struggling with anxiety as I will be back at the office shortly after being out for a week.

I'm scared and sad... .

[Tausk]

Tausk... . well I obviously hadn't even looked at this from a view point of being the other woman when it was me being lied to and cheated on with this new gf.  I suppose you are right at this point though.  I would not want to hurt some unsuspecting girl nor her child. .

I am certain she has no idea she was the other woman originally.

I was pretty successful in not texting him this weekend.  I am struggling with anxiety as I will be back at the office shortly after being out for a week.

I'm scared and sad... .

I hope your day is going ok.   Sending good thoughts your way.

[Take2]

Thanks Tausk... . it was terrible.   It was my fault too.  My resolve to not text him crumbled early.   And I pretty much turned into the pathetic begging ex gf... . uuujigh.

Of course that made him meaner than usual and me a crying mess.

I admit defeat today.  My abandonment issues kicked in full swing. ... . I feel like I've cried out all the despair ... . I wish that was the end of it.

Tomorrow is another day... . I will try again. ...

[corraline]

I changed my phone number because the abusive texts and loving texts that were  alternating were crazy making for me

I felt some peace when I did it.

I remember thinking though that when I was getting those texts when he was drunk calling me all sorts of nasty things and projecting like mad that I had the option to turn off my phone but i didnt

i realized that my self worth was so small that i would have rather kept my phone on and get crap than nothing.  ugh... . that was hard for me to accept.  i kept using the excuse to myself and my friends that i needed to keep the phone on just in case my kids needed to contact me.  now thats crazy since i just could have told them to use the landline to call instead

i knew the timing of the calls would usually be around 11 pm or so after he got home from the pub  but it was almost like i waited for them... . sometimes they were full of love and adoration or  how terrible this wounded world is or that i was a stupid (^%#( or man manipulator or seducer or blah blah blah

I did get some emails after i shut the phone number down but they were all about what i thought i should do about my problems... . ugh... . maddening... always the counselor and teacher... . that was his profession previous to retirement.

i feel alot of angst that i do not hear from him at all as he usually recycles by now but im trying to deal with it.

at least i don't jump when the text sound goes off anymore.

that is a small sense of peace in a crazy time for me.

[Tausk]

Thanks Tausk... . it was terrible.   It was my fault too.  My resolve to not text him crumbled early.   And I pretty much turned into the pathetic begging ex gf... . uuujigh.

Of course that made him meaner than usual and me a crying mess.

I admit defeat today.  My abandonment issues kicked in full swing. ... . I feel like I've cried out all the despair ... . I wish that was the end of it.

Tomorrow is another day... . I will try again. ...

Chin up.  Yes, tomorrow is another day.  At least you are aware of some of the behaviors in which you would prefer not to engage.   That is the first step.  You will find a way to do it.  You will find the techniques to distract you. And you will learn to depersonalize the Disorder. 

I had to learn that I wasn't special to my ex.  I was just willing to be a participant in the Disorder. 

I was just the next person waiting in line at the dance.  And the moment I step off the floor, my ex forgot about me.

Hang in there.  Focus on work if you can 

[Take2]

i realized that my self worth was so small that i would have rather kept my phone on and get crap than nothing.  ugh... . that was hard for me to accept.

Right there with you Corraline... . I have felt the panic disappear when the terrible texts would return because the silent treatment is often far worse than the horrible raging... . depending of course on how far he takes those rages... .   accepting this is hard.  I know this isn't me.

And I KNOW I am in here. 

Again... . tomorrow is another day... .    today was better than yesterday... . tomorrow will be better than today... .    

[Take2]

And again, thank you Tausk... .   facing the reality that I'm nothing to my ex is so hard to swallow.   I just can't truly believe someone could feel this way - but then again, this "someone" treated me like a second rate hooker toward the end... .    I don't know why it's hard for me to accept that I mean nothing to him... . it's so obvious. 

[Split black]

i realized that my self worth was so small that i would have rather kept my phone on and get crap than nothing.  ugh... . that was hard for me to accept. 

i feel alot of angst that i do not hear from him at all as he usually recycles by now but im trying to deal with it.

These two sentences are so hard to read. So true... . agonizing.

I took garbage and behavior that my former self would never tolerate for an instant. I have walked from relationships, and red flags many many times for far far less... .   what happened to me? How did this happen?