One week NC and I get a phone call...

[Jb2003]

So I get a text... . From my ex BPD of a week that I was NC with and I don't answer it so I get a phone call... . I know I know... . Call me weak whatever but... . So she is asking how my dog is and how I am and shooting the breez like it's all good, so I ask her how things are and she said she has stopped taking her anti depr and she sounds lethargic so she is down to taking only her ambien and Ativan, but I know she has to be taking the addirol too cause she has gotten out of bed and went out now that she is back at home... . But we have a 12 min conversation like ole times me nice she nice and she says that the reason she is back home not that she doesn't want to be here but that her dog is at the end of its life span(which is true) and the best place for her is there... . With the vet she has had for 14 years. Which is all true and you would have to know her but she is very very sensitive to animals... . And this dog is her baby and child... . So she say after a bit that she is tired and wants to get off the phone and we hang up... . Any idea what this could be about? Anyone wanna field this one? Before you answer bear in mind that she has changed her last name on FB to her new boyfriends last name and has posted pictures of them kissing TODAY... . But I didn't break down and call and while we talked I was upbeat... . Now I am not going to lie I did tell her that I loved her and whatever she needed to do to be happy is what I wanted for her... . she of course said "nothing makes me happy" but she looked pretty happy in the pictures she posted on FB... . What is going on PLEASE HELP... .

[NoCRV]

Hi Jb2003,

Sorry you are going through this.  It sounds like she used you to soothe one of her needs and not much else.

I don't use FB but I can't imagine people posting anything but good/happy pictures.  You know what goes on behind closed doors.

Be well

[Jb2003]

Thanks nocrv it is just frustrating... .

[NoCRV]

No problem JB2003.  You may want to stop checking her FB and give yourself time to heal. 

[woodsposse]

 

You already know what is going on - because it is the same thing that has gone on time and time again.  If you look at this objectively you know you already know the answer.  But to help illustrate, re-read the link on the right "what is BPD".  In it, I'm sure you will see that reach outs and recycles are common.

Even after my split with my ex... . she would get to the point where she reached out to me - and during those times I was available (hadn't started dating)... . and this was prior to learning about the disorder... . so we would chat - and it felt good.  Things were said which both made me feel good, and made me endearing myself to her more easy (such as "I never feel happy".  

I'm not saying she is lying, but - she's not being fully honest, because she can't.

After she lined me back up to come back, things were "great" for a while... . then slipped back into hell.  Then back to heaven... . then back to hell... . and so on and so on and so on.

After our marriage ruptured beyond repair and she wanted to bail again... . I said "okay".  She already had a foot out the door - then left - then turns on me for not stopping her - then things got kicked into high gear when I did finally move on and start dating someone.  First person I dated since I met her 21 years ago.  That is a very long time to be with one person.  

Althouh she didn't really want to come back, she didn't want me to not be there for her - well, not at least until she got knee deep in with a full replacement (and heaven knows who she has on the side).

But I kept the link alive and the detatchment was slow and prolonged because I just couldn't make the final cut.  Not until I ended up here, read others stories (which sounded EXACTLY like mine) and backtracked in my own life to help show me why I would and could get so deep into this chaos.

It wasn't the fact that I didn't like what was going on... . that part is obvious.  It was the fact that I stayed.  I needed to know why I stayed.  Yes, there was love.  Yes there was care and concern - but the obviousness of it was staring me in the face so why didn't I cut it.

Well that was my journey and mine alone.  I took it and made the final cut.  Not just NC because I was angry and it seemed the right thing to do - but made the cut and NC... . because I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to not have the chaos that r/s brought.

Oh, after 20 years I think I know her as well as anyone can - but... . in the end - that isn't saying much.

That is the hard part to digest.  After 20 years, I don't really know who she is... . but I know what she has done.  She may have this disorder, but she isn't insane.  She knows right from wrong - and she is very intelligent.  A lie is a lie is a lie.  

In your case, what does it mean?  What is going on?

In my opinion - nothing.  Nothing at all.

You, however, should know... . your happiness starts and ends with you.

What is going on with you?

[Jb2003]

Wood posse, thanks for the slap, but Christ it is hard... . I know that our relationship is toxic and I know that we didn't have a give and take relationship it was a take and take and take relationship but... . I feel stupid for the FACT that I don't no why I want her... . I literally got sick today when I thought about it... . SICK... . And dizzy and it was all I could do to not pass out... . Idk why I want her in my life ... . but I do. And that in it self must have some fancy abbreviation or nomenclature to describe it. I feel like a crackhead... . strung out on stupidity... .

[woodsposse]

There is a fancy abbreviation or term for what you are going through.  it's called:

Being Human.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=135116.0

[heartandwhole]

Jb2003,

I'm sorry you are feeling so torn, detaching is very hard.    Try not to beat yourself up for wanting her in your life – so many of us have felt that, too, even knowing that it wasn't a healthy thing.

These relationships can be addictive, and withdrawal symptoms can be similar to stopping heavy drugs.  It hurts like hell, but if you can, allow yourself to feel the wanting and the sadness of not having what you want. From stage 1 of detachment (on the right sidebar----------------->


Acknowledgment doesn't just mean recognizing that we want something badly or that we're feeling loss. When you want something, feel how you want it—find the wanting feeling in your body.

Rather than pushing away the anxiety and fear of losing what you care about, let it come up and breathe into it the same way. And when you're experiencing the hopelessness of actual loss, allow it in.

Can you spend time with supportive friends, exercise, do a hobby that engages you?  Be good to yourself during this difficult time. 

[corraline]

jb

i agree with what heart says above

im doing some of this too

i get serious waves of depression...   i allow myself that.  then i notice i have moved through it

i try not to get too attached to anything even the moments of peace(finally)i am just being with them

the hobby thing i recommend  too

i actually made myself go to a very cool jewellery making workshop tonite

hung out with some amazing people.  forged a copper ring

i was tired but it was good for me.

just saying cause i think it does help.

[coolioqq]

Wood posse, thanks for the slap, but Christ it is hard... . I know that our relationship is toxic and I know that we didn't have a give and take relationship it was a take and take and take relationship but... . I feel stupid for the FACT that I don't no why I want her... . I literally got sick today when I thought about it... . SICK... . And dizzy and it was all I could do to not pass out... . Idk why I want her in my life ... . but I do. And that in it self must have some fancy abbreviation or nomenclature to describe it. I feel like a crackhead... . strung out on stupidity... .

Boy, don't I (and probably everyone else here) know that feeling... . I broke it off with mine 3 weeks ago and went full NC. She contacted me apologetically a couple of times during the first week. I do experience everything that you are describing. I was literally crying yesterday night, severely depressed and anxious, heads between my knees. I am going through a MAJOR withdrawal, even though as I said, I broke it off. But, I am trying so hard not to allow myself to be sucked back into something that will 99.9% end up like horror stories from this board. My heart says one thing, my mind another. I am not vilifying; it's just the nature of BPD... . My heart is so torn apart, and I am in so much emotional pain, that I'd actually want to have BPD myself and be able to dissociate and turn off my feelings.

As for her, she probably already painted me black for not answering. I'm sure it's no big deal for her to turn off whatever feelings she had for me. She was very cold and dissociated in person which was completely different from her communication after I went NC. That led me to the decision which, although it hurts like hell now and WAY more than it did the first week, will probably be the best one I ever made.

The point here, as I see it, is that we need to forgive ourselves and accept the fact that we love them, or whatever "good" side they have shown us. It's OK to love her. It's OK to miss her. Withdrawal is a natural reaction because love is a complex feeling in our brain, very addictive. Especially with borderlines, and I speculate it is because of their ability to mirror and act out exactly what we always wanted. But then we have to realize that they construct that ad-hoc, and it's all imaginary. And it's kind of crazy that we love imaginary people, don't you think?

Unfortunately, their true face is when they are at their worst. They seem to go by Marilyn Monroe's (who most likely had BPD and HPD herself) famous quote:

“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

The way I read it is: "The only thing that you can absolutely be sure of is that I won't change and you, my slave, have to put up with the hell I create for you for the rest of your miserable life. If you are a good boy, I'll give you a candy here and there, and I don't have too many in my bag."

THAT is not something that our love for them can solve. As soon as that "sinks" into our brains, we will be able to move on.

Don't be hard on yourself, dude. Smile! Even though you can't; fake it until you make it!

[woodsposse]

The only thing that you can absolutely be sure of is that I won't change and you, my slave, have to put up with the hell I create for you for the rest of your miserable life. If you are a good boy, I'll give you a candy here and there, and I don't have too many in my bag.

Sounds about right.

[newc1992]

Coolioqq has made a brilliant point here. It would appear that nobody sees their true personality until the devaluation stage. My ex was kind, caring and considerate to me and her friends, but as time went on it became less about others and more about her. You will find that they contact you. Initially, I was contacted during the devaluation stage, before I was painted fully black. She asked for space but became angry and upset when I didn't keep her updated. The typical lose/lose situation.

I cannot see my ex ever initiating contact with me now, I am hated and I know too much. However, they do seen to make contact when they feel they need attention, even if they have another source of attention. They like to know that you're still there (they don't want to be abandoned, but they will abandon you if they want to). I am only going off what I have seen on here and experienced myself, but during my relationship, she reached out to her ex on several occasions whilst still "in love" with me. Triangulation is common in these relationships, and I think that the "candy" analogy pretty much sums that up.

[Jb2003]

Thanks to all! I read a post on here last night that really opened my eyes.

To sum it up, I am a protector,a pleaser and a fixer... . I have to come to terms with the fact that my obsession with here may actually be harming her by allowing her to recycle. So as her "protector" I am in fact doing her more harm that good... . and I can't change her... . so I have to give up this selfishness of need for her so she can try to find help or finally realize that she needs help... . if in fact that will happen... . meh who knows. But in the struggle to keep "us" I lost "me" and "I" need to focus on "me" so I can have a functional happy "we" relationship and be free to give all of the really great qualities I do posses to some who can and indeed will appreciate "me" in the "we"... . you see?

[Samsara121]

Well that was my journey and mine alone.  I took it and made the final cut.  Not just NC because I was angry and it seemed the right thing to do - but made the cut and NC... . because I deserve to be happy.  I deserve to not have the chaos that r/s brought.

Hi Jb2003!

I'm feeling for your sadness of realizing how contradictory the situation is. It takes a bit of time to step back and have the big picture, I found out it was the most positive thing to help my out in the detaching process.

I'm happy you've got to know you better with the last night post, it's a great step forward!

I fully relate to woods quote: when I find myself bargaining with the relationship I come to realize that it's because I feel that I don't deserve better and that chaos has always been in my life with my FOO.

This strong belief is now eroding thanks to my short r/s with a pwBPD and all the knowledge I'm experiencing on this website. Strangely, the r/s gave me hope that something better is there for me, as long as I work on myself to understand what a healthy r/s really is and how I can contribute the best way.

Today I'm thankful for this experience as it gives me a clearer vision of what I wish for myself and what I wish to offer.

Stepping back I realize that I would never accept those very challenging behaviors from my best friends and that this standard should be even more up for an intimate r/s.

I deserve to blossom into a healthy r/s, with positive and supportive behaviors.

I like what woods says: "Your happiness starts and ends with you".