I need help, Im not dealing with the situation as good as I though Id be...

[Depression = 72% of members]

Hi guys.

After months of reading on BPD NPD and HPD, I thought I was handling "my" uPDs in a healthier way.

But yesterday it went VERY wrong. Long story short, I have an apt rented and once a year I go to the meeting to discuss things concerning repairs, extra fees, procedures and general problems that are going on there.

For the past 3 years, this old lady, president of the building, is harrassing me. Giving me warnings, sending me letters demanding things or fines that Im supposed to pay cause I broke the rules. The thing is, I re-read all the building rules and didnt break a single one. No need to say she looks BPD all over.

But they are not happy with my explanations and keep trying to find more "mistakes" so they can keep demanding more and more... . To the point that I wrote a letter saying I demand this stops or Ill sue them for harrasment and false complaints.

Then the annual meeting came. They ganged up against me for 1,5 hours (5 people, the lady and her flying monkeys). Yelling, not letting me answer back, etc. I was paralized, although I knew it was coming, but I didnt imagine it would be verbal abuse to that extent. At some point I though this man was going to punch me.

I tried to defend myself (big mistake). After some time I just raised my voice (not to their level, though). The thing is, nothing was resolved, nothing was written down (the president didnt put it on paper!). So, they know they are wrong but they tried to intimidate me "unofficially".

I couldnt sleep last night and today morning had a nervous breakdown cause I felt so invalidated at my own home ("do whatever they demand and they will stop" that I got hysterical and cried and yelled.

Its hard to feel that people had everything pre-arranged just to gang up on you and then at home you get the famous PD enabler´s behaviour. I feel completely alone.

Obviously I didnt deal with it well. I shouldnt had engaged, I should had been more objective, especially cause they were very irrational and no matter what I said about the law, they didnt care, they even mocked me or ignored me as if I have no right to vote as them. Im the black sheep.

I need better coping skills and I wonder if anybody can give me any advice or suggest some article that I can read. I cant simply leave them cause Im part of the building and I need to protect my property. In a few months a new meeting will be set. I REALLY need to cope with them in a better way. I will tape it so they wont abuse me, the lawyer advised me to do it but I forgot... . But I MUST not let them affect me SO MUCH!

Not sure I made sense at all, but any help is welcomed. Thank you very much for reading!

[Louise7777]

Hi guys.

After months of reading on BPD NPD and HPD, I thought I was handling "my" uPDs in a healthier way.

But yesterday it went VERY wrong. Long story short, I have an apt rented and once a year I go to the meeting to discuss things concerning repairs, extra fees, procedures and general problems that are going on there.

For the past 3 years, this old lady, president of the building, is harrassing me. Giving me warnings, sending me letters demanding things or fines that Im supposed to pay cause I broke the rules. The thing is, I re-read all the building rules and didnt break a single one. No need to say she looks BPD all over.

But they are not happy with my explanations and keep trying to find more "mistakes" so they can keep demanding more and more... . To the point that I wrote a letter saying I demand this stops or Ill sue them for harrasment and false complaints.

Then the annual meeting came. They ganged up against me for 1,5 hours (5 people, the lady and her flying monkeys). Yelling, not letting me answer back, etc. I was paralized, although I knew it was coming, but I didnt imagine it would be verbal abuse to that extent. At some point I though this man was going to punch me.

I tried to defend myself (big mistake). After some time I just raised my voice (not to their level, though). The thing is, nothing was resolved, nothing was written down (the president didnt put it on paper!). So, they know they are wrong but they tried to intimidate me "unofficially".

I couldnt sleep last night and today morning had a nervous breakdown cause I felt so invalidated at my own home ("do whatever they demand and they will stop" that I got hysterical and cried and yelled.

Its hard to feel that people had everything pre-arranged just to gang up on you and then at home you get the famous PD enabler´s behaviour. I feel completely alone.

Obviously I didnt deal with it well. I shouldnt had engaged, I should had been more objective, especially cause they were very irrational and no matter what I said about the law, they didnt care, they even mocked me or ignored me as if I have no right to vote as them. Im the black sheep.

I need better coping skills and I wonder if anybody can give me any advice or suggest some article that I can read. I cant simply leave them cause Im part of the building and I need to protect my property. In a few months a new meeting will be set. I REALLY need to cope with them in a better way. I will tape it so they wont abuse me, the lawyer advised me to do it but I forgot... . But I MUST not let them affect me SO MUCH!

Not sure I made sense at all, but any help is welcomed. Thank you very much for reading!

[LettingGo14]

Louise,  I'm sorry you are dealing with this.  It is very human -- and very normal -- to feel badly when faced with negative criticism, no matter how unfounded it may be.   In the past, I would withdraw from any sort of criticism, and feel shamed, whether it was my mother, or my ex-wife, or my xBPDgf.   Here are some things that have helped me:

1.  The concept of "differentiation" -- The renowned family systems therapist, Murray Bowen, had a theory that people with a grounded sense of solid self could withstand criticism, and maintain self, even in the face of highly stressful situations.   Here's a good starting point with the concept:  https://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/conceptds.html

2.  Radical acceptance -- Tara Brach is a psychologist and Buddhist teacher.  She has a technique called, RAIN.  Link here:  www.tarabrach.com/articles/RAIN-WorkingWithDifficulties.html

I am working to integrate both approaches in my life.  I hope these help in some way.

[dontknow2]

Hello Louise,

I know you asked for suggestions on coping skills. Although this doesn't exactly fit the bill, I find writing down my thoughts using the DEARMAN communication technique is very useful when I am going into a conflict situation where my emotions are charged. The more prepared I am and clear on where I stand  (what is negotiable and what is not, how far am I willing to go, etc.), the more self-confidence I tend to have. 

Anything threatening my home or home life would make me very anxious. I wish you strength while you go through this.

[Louise7777]

Thank you so much! I just needed help and validation. Not only Im alone and have to deal with all by myself but I cant get validation from anybody except the great people at this website. My heart-felt thank you!

I will read all now and then comment.

[Louise7777]

LettingGo, I read the articles, thank you! Yes, they are very helpful not only in my current situation but also when dealing with uPD relatives.

This paragraph was particularly helpful in my situation: "People with a poorly differentiated "self" depend so heavily on the acceptance and approval of others that either they quickly adjust what they think, say, and do to please others or they dogmatically proclaim what others should be like and pressure them to conform. Bullies depend on approval and acceptance as much as chameleons, but bullies push others to agree with them rather than their agreeing with others. Disagreement threatens a bully as much as it threatens a chameleon. An extreme rebel is a poorly differentiated person too, but he pretends to be a "self" by routinely opposing the positions of others."

The Buddhist approach is helpful too, but definetly more difficult for me to perform. Specially when you are being ganged up. If it was me dealing with 1 BPD only Id be able to use it. But its almost impossible for me to remain focused and calm while under attack for so long by so many. I was phisycally tired when I got home, it was unbeliavable.

DontKnow, DEARMAN is helpful too. Thank you for it. I used the D E A topics instinctively, to no avail with them in the past. I still have to implement the M and A.

I guess in my case DEARMAN doesnt apply much since I cant give in at all. When I did give in, the situation just escalated and their illegal demands just became more bizarre. But obviously in a romantic or family relationship you have to give in. Its good anyway to analize how far I want to go when Im being charged.

Im very grateful for your help and I hope you are healing and finding better ways to deal with stressfull situations.