Birthday Mayhem

[DB33]

I am in a mess of a situation.

Been with my GF for over 3 years, broken up a dozen times etc etc. We have been living together once again as of a couple of months ago. It has been a roller coaster to say the least. A few weeks ago she got into my phone and found my posts about her BPD on another forum. She raged calling me a liar and the crazy one and broke up with me again.

She was in financial trouble so I gave her enough money to pay the rent through Jun when I moved in. So here I am now, we are once again broken up... . and the following day she was on a dating site. She was making it a point on the first week to deliver as much hurt to me as she could. Making sure I heard about her first dates.

An odd occurrence then happened; when she went out of town last week for a concert she had scheduled with some girlfriends she ate pot brownies while there. Up to this point she was very anti drug and hasnt smoked in 15 years since high school. Since she has been home she has smoked a little pot morning noon and night. She said it "calms her brain and allows her to focus on a single thought instead of being all over the place and worrying about stupid hit"

This past week she is indifferent and uncaring but at least not angry. She wants to just be roommates and friends (she has been sleeping on her couch for the past eight months, a full six months before I moved in-but that is another story)

A couple of days ago we went for a twenty mile hike in the woods (we hike alot), when we came out we sat on the couch watching a movie and she asked if I would rub her sore feet. So she layed there with her legs on my lap. I sat with one hand between her thighs and the other on her foot. It felt good to touch her, to just feel close again. But my heart was just breaking. I cant help but wonder if it was just another form of torment.

Today is my birthday and she has always made a huge deal out of it. But today she left without a word and of all days lined up a new date with a guy for today. Yes I know it is a jab, but it still hurts. Through all the craziness and problems we have had I always held out hope that we could make this work out. I still love her. And its hard to let go of that dream. I dont see us recovering from this one and the close proximity to her is pure hell. On the bright side I guess I am getting that closure some people seem to miss out on, but I need to get out.  I just dont know how I am going to manage it financially or emotionally. The realization that when I close that door behind me there will be no us anymore is a killer.

[tinkerbell09]

Hello, I'm still very new here, so I don't know what advice I can give you... but I am so very sorry that things have become so bad for you. It's so hard to close the door... . so, so hard... . especially when you know you have to do it.

I can't tell you what to do... . but... do you want your whole life to be this way?... . it will go on and on and on like this as long as you recycle. Please don't do this to yourself... . you deserve better.

It's your birthday... a new year in your life... . a new beginning. Make it special for you!... . (I've read that BPDs seem to act out badly on special days, birthdays seem to be a favorite... . I'm so sorry for that.)

Your next birthday can be wonderful... . one of the things that helps me is something I read... "Think about a year from now, where do you want to be then, head towards that and don't look back." I hope that helps.

[heartandwhole]

DB33,

I'm sorry you are going through this, it is very hard to deal with such a change in the relationship while living together.   No wonder you are feeling sad and conflicted, I would be, too.

At the risk of being blunt, I don't think "hope" is going to cut it for you and your girlfriend.  If she has BPD, she will need committed long term therapy to manage her behaviors, and you will need to spend time learning new ways to cope, and likely undergo therapy yourself.  There are success stories, but it takes hard work and time.  Are you both ready and willing to commit to taking that road?  If so, we have resources to help you. 

If not, I encourage you to start thinking about what you want and need in your life, and in relationships.  Focusing on her and what she is doing won't help you heal, won't help you move forward.  You can't control her behavior, no matter how kind and caring you are.  I know, I've tried. 

Keep writing DB33.  I know it hurts. I didn't want to let go of the dream, either. We are here for you, and we care. 

heart 

[growing_wings]

hi DB33

sorry to hear the pain you are going through.

In my experience, pwBPD tend to "target" days that are special for us when they seek to hurt. Birthday's are definitely one. For me, it was anything that matter for me... . once in devaluation phase, an important meeting, a day where i would celebrate or a day where i would host a dinner/party, all of them became target for her to make me lose balance. Picking late night fights, intense push/pull cycles, big big dramas from old situations, etc... you name it.

i didnt stay long, as soon as i saw this pattern long enough i left.  leaving was incredibly painful, but staying was mayhem... .

as heartandwhole explained, you need to understand and decide when enough is enough. if she has BPD, these patterns wont change... push pull dynamics might let you continue the relationship, but by now, you know the pattern if is there. that will only change if there is very very strong commitment to therapy, and even so, it wont happen overnight