the replacement is actually a blessing.

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to share a major breakthrough with some of you… especially those who are still struggling.

Broke up with my ex 9 months ago and haven't seen her since. We kept in contact and the drama occasionally continued. She begged me not to find someone else. A month ago she told me she wished we'd gotten engaged.

Then she posted a message on Facebook. A love message about her new girlfriend. On what would have been our anniversary.

I was devastated. I spent two days in bed crying. It hurt more than our breakup. The worst part is I KNOW she did it for my benefit. The 'love message' wasn't even all that romantic. It was apparent that they barely knew each other. But that she posted it on a day she KNEW I'd be thinking about her. That she didn't give me a heads up. We were 'friends' and I had to read this, along with our mutual friends and my family members? I was mortified.

I composed a letter to send her but then I didn't do it. I didn't give her that satisfaction. I deleted her from Facebook instead. At first it felt childish and I didn't want her to know how much it hurt, I felt this would make it apparent... . but a) i knew I couldn't risk looking at her profile and being hurt and b) it felt good to know that she'd have to realize that she couldn't 'get to me' that way anymore and c) I WAS hurt, why should I pretend not to be? If I'd done that to her, all hell would break loose.

There are of course those irrational "what if the problem was me and not her" and "what if this relationship works out for her, what does that say about me" fears. But I've realized over the last couple of days that I don't care, even if it does work out with the new gf. I needed this push to cut her out of my life completely, and I did it without a word.

I wish it hadn't taken this to make me see how fake all of it was. How much I should have left years before I did. How ashamed I am of myself for staying and taking it. But now I see how necessary NC is. And I FINALLY feel like that chapter is closed, I can move on, and maybe one day even date someone normal.

[purpleavocado]

Hi everyone. Just wanted to share a major breakthrough with some of you… especially those who are still struggling.

Broke up with my ex 9 months ago and haven't seen her since. We kept in contact and the drama occasionally continued. She begged me not to find someone else. A month ago she told me she wished we'd gotten engaged.

Then she posted a message on Facebook. A love message about her new girlfriend. On what would have been our anniversary.

I was devastated. I spent two days in bed crying. It hurt more than our breakup. The worst part is I KNOW she did it for my benefit. The 'love message' wasn't even all that romantic. It was apparent that they barely knew each other. But that she posted it on a day she KNEW I'd be thinking about her. That she didn't give me a heads up. We were 'friends' and I had to read this, along with our mutual friends and my family members? I was mortified.

I composed a letter to send her but then I didn't do it. I didn't give her that satisfaction. I deleted her from Facebook instead. At first it felt childish and I didn't want her to know how much it hurt, I felt this would make it apparent... . but a) i knew I couldn't risk looking at her profile and being hurt and b) it felt good to know that she'd have to realize that she couldn't 'get to me' that way anymore and c) I WAS hurt, why should I pretend not to be? If I'd done that to her, all hell would break loose.

There are of course those irrational "what if the problem was me and not her" and "what if this relationship works out for her, what does that say about me" fears. But I've realized over the last couple of days that I don't care, even if it does work out with the new gf. I needed this push to cut her out of my life completely, and I did it without a word.

I wish it hadn't taken this to make me see how fake all of it was. How much I should have left years before I did. How ashamed I am of myself for staying and taking it. But now I see how necessary NC is. And I FINALLY feel like that chapter is closed, I can move on, and maybe one day even date someone normal.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

Youre so brave! Im so scared of engaging in behavior that will give her the satisfaction of knowing how bad she has hurt me. I wish I was brave enough to delete her from facebook, I only just hid all updates from her instead. I KNOW Im leaving the door open for me to go and look later and hurt myself in the process. Its so hard to consider no contact as the best option when its someone I texted and talked to every hour of every day... . I know it might mostly be just habit but still.

[heartandwhole]

anad4747,

I'm so sorry that you had to learn that through Facebook – that is so hurtful.  I would have been a mess.   

I think it's a good idea you have, to spend some time without looking at FB, or anything connected with her.  The mind and body need a time-out to rebalance. 

You deserve a fulfilling and loving relationship, and you can have that.  Keep focusing on you and your detachment, and let her find her way.  That's how you'll set yourself free.  We're here for you. 

[purpleavocado]

Youre so brave! Im so scared of engaging in behavior that will give her the satisfaction of knowing how bad she has hurt me. I wish I was brave enough to delete her from facebook, I only just hid all updates from her instead. I KNOW Im leaving the door open for me to go and look later and hurt myself in the process. Its so hard to consider no contact as the best option when its someone I texted and talked to every hour of every day... . I know it might mostly be just habit but still.

Hi there- I read some of your posts and you're only a few days out! So of course you're not ready yet. I wanted to be best friends with my ex but I knew it wouldn't happen. I was vehemently against going NC until the other day when I saw the garbage she posted for my benefit.

The truth is, it's driving me crazy to not be able to see her profile. But after digging deep I realized I would REALLY rather not know about their relationship. Especially after I figured out who (I think) it is and find her 10000x more attractive than me.

So I am still obsessed with looking up their profiles, but I can't see anything. I'm sure I'll be really upset the day I see pictures of them together, but at last I can't read their lovey dovey crap.

I am SHOCKED that she hasn't started a fight with me over this yet, but I guess she's very busy pretending to be loving and attentive to a new person.

Don't worry, you'll get there. It takes time, and the most random thing will end up being a deal breaker for you.

[purpleavocado]

anad4747,

I'm so sorry that you had to learn that through Facebook – that is so hurtful.  I would have been a mess.   

I think it's a good idea you have, to spend some time without looking at FB, or anything connected with her.  The mind and body need a time-out to rebalance. 

You deserve a fulfilling and loving relationship, and you can have that.  Keep focusing on you and your detachment, and let her find her way.  That's how you'll set yourself free.  We're here for you. 

Thank you so much! That really helps. I know it'll be much easier to get over her when I don't have to worry about checking in with her and feel these baseless obligations to her. She has broken my heart for the last time and I'm so happy to be free, even though I still feel devastated by it.

[sirensong65]

I immediately blocked my Ex when I chose to walk away from this final recycle and I am glad I did.  Originally, I did it so I wouldn't tempt myself to look at his FB page, but now it's so he can't ever look at mine.  My life is none of his business anymore and I could really care less what he is doing with her or anyone else.  But, like someone above said, you find your breaking point, and the last time I saw him was mine.  I realized of this is who he is, I don't want him anymore.  And believe me, a few months ago no one would guess I would be here.  I was a mess over him, but his true colors had not been revealed yet.  I'm so glad he let me see how truly evil and callous he can be... . good riddance.

[bossanover]

I can totally relate to this. Once I found out that I had been "replaced" and that the replacement had received the exact same treatment I had, it was like a huge weight had been lifted. The "what if she'll be ok this time", "I hope she's getting better" was shattered as I realised, no. This is a disorder, I wasn't some bizarre, one off effed up relationship. This is going to keep happening over, and over, and I am NOT the problem here.

anad4747, I can totally understand how you feel, wanting to check up on social media profiles and stuff. I occasionally want to do it to, and did for quite a while after my awful breakup. But over time, I realised that it really isn't healthy, and doesn't help anything. Maybe get someone else to check them for you? I know whenever I checked them, I would feel physically ill... . Ah, so many emotions we all deal with here... . !

Keep on keepin on anad4747, and remember: everyone on facebook isn't having as good a time as they say they are. (more so if you have BPD) 

[HostNoMore]

I used to work with my replacement at the same place where I worked with my exBPD and knew him well. He's a very good guy who does not deserve what he's getting.  I know he's getting it full bore now as it's been 2.5 years of freedom for me.  Even though I had poor boundaries, I am the type that even when you hit my poorly defined boundary I defended.  In fact, it's what saved me from that relationship, as when I set a hard boundary(Bartender pickup incident), she dropped me and replaced me within 2 weeks and possibly 1 week.  Now, with better boundary skills, I've learned I can be much more polite as I exert my natural rights.  Yet, another paradox.

The fact that they are still together does not bother me at all.   Knowing that my ex is the vaunted Queen tells me a lot about his personality.  Which is no a boundaries doormat, and he's probably her White Knight too as she loves to use that tactic to draw in victims.  Then you add in the fact that she's into chronic serial cheating, he's in a pickle as he has to know it by now.  However, we get trapped into these relationships through our own devices.  

I don't know if BPDs have a knack of finding us intuitively, or do they just do it like a fisherman throw out a baited hook and wait for us to take it.  Well, I'm an educated bass now as that lure will no longer work.  As others above have stated, once you cross that line and turn your back there is no going back to them.  Yes, it drives them crazy too when they realize it as you are no longer in the Rolodex.

Anyway, thanks replacement for diverting her from me.  Hopefully, when it's over for you, you will quickly find this board.  Just google a few of the aberrant behaviors you remember from her, and you'll get here.

[purpleavocado]

Sirensong… that is so awesome that you saw through him the last time you saw him.  And bonus that you've made so much progress in the last few months! Incredible. These relationships are so hard to move on from. The last time I saw mine, she was being very sweet and sad. It was another manipulation, I suppose. She was sad because she knew once I was gone I wouldn't be in her clutches anymore, so she guilt tripped me as much as she could. Good riddance to her.

Bossanover, YES, I can totally relate to every single thing you wrote. I'm now thinking about all the crummy things she said about her exes and how horrible they were.  TBH I don't believe she was lying, but she definitely left out her role in the scenario... and I could SEE how someone would be horrible to her after being treated horribly and brainwashed by her. And you are exactly right. If she were even remotely that happy, she wouldn't be worried about running to Facebook to post it. She is in her thirties, not a teenager.

Hostsomore, it must be so strange to know her replacement. I also don't know if they have a knack for finding people who will put up with their BS, or if they just use trial and error. I know that if my ex is dating who I think she's dating, she'll be dumped pretty quickly. She has to be SUPER charming to hook someone in and I know she absolutely cannot keep that up. It doesn't matter though. All that matters is they're not in our lives anymore and they're someone else's problem. We are FREE!

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

Youre so brave! Im so scared of engaging in behavior that will give her the satisfaction of knowing how bad she has hurt me. I wish I was brave enough to delete her from facebook, I only just hid all updates from her instead. I KNOW Im leaving the door open for me to go and look later and hurt myself in the process. Its so hard to consider no contact as the best option when its someone I texted and talked to every hour of every day... . I know it might mostly be just habit but still.

Hi there- I read some of your posts and you're only a few days out! So of course you're not ready yet. I wanted to be best friends with my ex but I knew it wouldn't happen. I was vehemently against going NC until the other day when I saw the garbage she posted for my benefit.

The truth is, it's driving me crazy to not be able to see her profile. But after digging deep I realized I would REALLY rather not know about their relationship. Especially after I figured out who (I think) it is and find her 10000x more attractive than me.

So I am still obsessed with looking up their profiles, but I can't see anything. I'm sure I'll be really upset the day I see pictures of them together, but at last I can't read their lovey dovey crap.

I am SHOCKED that she hasn't started a fight with me over this yet, but I guess she's very busy pretending to be loving and attentive to a new person.

Don't worry, you'll get there. It takes time, and the most random thing will end up being a deal breaker for you.

Im worried about seeing that kind of thing, I know I couldnt handle it, or wouldnt very well, I wonder if I should block all her stuff proactively, so I cant see her social network presence, and just do the occasional awkward texting thing we have been doing... .

[purpleavocado]

Youre so brave! Im so scared of engaging in behavior that will give her the satisfaction of knowing how bad she has hurt me. I wish I was brave enough to delete her from facebook, I only just hid all updates from her instead. I KNOW Im leaving the door open for me to go and look later and hurt myself in the process. Its so hard to consider no contact as the best option when its someone I texted and talked to every hour of every day... . I know it might mostly be just habit but still.

Hi there- I read some of your posts and you're only a few days out! So of course you're not ready yet. I wanted to be best friends with my ex but I knew it wouldn't happen. I was vehemently against going NC until the other day when I saw the garbage she posted for my benefit.

The truth is, it's driving me crazy to not be able to see her profile. But after digging deep I realized I would REALLY rather not know about their relationship. Especially after I figured out who (I think) it is and find her 10000x more attractive than me.

So I am still obsessed with looking up their profiles, but I can't see anything. I'm sure I'll be really upset the day I see pictures of them together, but at last I can't read their lovey dovey crap.

I am SHOCKED that she hasn't started a fight with me over this yet, but I guess she's very busy pretending to be loving and attentive to a new person.

Don't worry, you'll get there. It takes time, and the most random thing will end up being a deal breaker for you.

Im worried about seeing that kind of thing, I know I couldnt handle it, or wouldnt very well, I wonder if I should block all her stuff proactively, so I cant see her social network presence, and just do the occasional awkward texting thing we have been doing... .

I would highly recommend doing that, because even 9 months later it really gut me. Even though I'm mostly okay with it and needed this to move on with my life for good, I still feel panic rising within me at least every hour. If you can figure out a way to avoid seeing it, I really think you will be able to move on faster with fewer setbacks. But only do what you're ready for.

[myself]

a) i knew I couldn't risk looking at her profile and being hurt and b) it felt good to know that she'd have to realize that she couldn't 'get to me' that way anymore and c) I WAS hurt, why should I pretend not to be?

Good for you! Those are very valid reasons for deleting her. You're protecting yourself, now and in the future. As well as speaking up about what you've gone through. Making changes that are beneficial.

Please remember, if comparing yourself to whoever she may be with, that appearance is on the outside. It's the inside that really counts. External beauty does not guarantee a healthy relationship.

It's best to keep the focus on your own life as it blooms anew and flourishes.

[tinkerbell09]

I'm gaining hope! Two days out from the VERY LAST NC! I broke it, won't do it again!

When I blocked my exBPDbf from FB... he went BALLISTIC. I had to close two email accounts too and open a new one. I too finally saw his true colors... . he lured me back to an MMO we both played at... which I also left six months ago... . only to show me he had a "replacement"... . he was sweetness personified... . tears, begging, heartrending stuff... only to lure me back so the "replacement" could belittle me and accuse me of "treating him so badly"... . immediately blocked him from everything... . and won't be baited again in any way!

I feel for her... . but I'm moving on. Being here is helping me already... . your posts are helping me already.

[love4meNOTu]

I just wanted to say this... .

If I could pay that woman for what she has done for me, I would.

I don't know who she is, never will, but she stopped him from hurting me and my boys. For that I will forever be grateful.

I really do hope she makes him happy... for however long she does. And I hope that she does not get hurt as I did. But now, I'm so very happy myself and in love with a wonderful man, so I have truly moved on.

God bless... .

Lyn

[purpleavocado]

Myself- thank you SO much for your kind words and reminders. Of course I know nothing about this woman judging from what she looks like. It shocked me that my ex could 'hook' someone who looked like her, but we all know how charming BPDs can be when they want to be (and how horrible they can be when they don't care).

And you're absolutely right, I am so much better off living my own life and focusing on my own fulfillment. I couldn't do that when we were in contact- even texting her took up too much of my energy.

I will admit, though, that it hurts that she hasn't gotten in touch with me in almost 2 weeks. It was really her who cut things off. I've promised myself I won't reach out to her but I can't help feeling like I want to let off steam. The way she would if the tables were turned. But I know that wouldn't help me.

Tinkerbell- congratulations! Stick to your guns here. Admittedly for me some moments are weaker than others, but it's so much better to keep out of the rabbit hole. There's no value my ex was adding to my life, only drama, and from what it sounds like, the same was true for you.

Love4meNOTu, I totally agree.  I feel sorry for my replacement but it has given me the courage I needed to stay away. Congratulations on moving on!



I am quite ready to date just yet, but I've registered on a dating website and started talking to people. And it's dawned on me… I have the rest of my life ahead of me. I will find someone who treats me well and I can have a real relationship with. My ex thinks she's hurt me through this, and the truth is that she has. But in a way it's the best thing she ever did, because I've spent so much time focusing on her when I should have been focusing on ME. And now I can do that and not worry about how she'll react or what she'll say or do. GOOD RIDDANCE.

[bossanover]

Bossanover, YES, I can totally relate to every single thing you wrote. I'm now thinking about all the crummy things she said about her exes and how horrible they were.  TBH I don't believe she was lying, but she definitely left out her role in the scenario... and I could SEE how someone would be horrible to her after being treated horribly and brainwashed by her. And you are exactly right. If she were even remotely that happy, she wouldn't be worried about running to Facebook to post it. She is in her thirties, not a teenager.

yeah mine gave her exes a bad rap too. So many stories of how she was abused blah blah blah... . (Now I am the most recent abuser of course  )

And yet they continued to text each other, and she hung onto photos of them together. I said "shouldn't you delete those photos?" and she was like "yeah I should" but didn't. Just lies. Bulk lies.

I realise now that even if her ex did do all this bad stuff to her, the fact that he was available and willing to talk to her despite all their supposed "awful" history, is all she wanted. If this ex is available to give care and fulfill her needs, he is no longer an abuser- he's an option. A possible source of caregiving.

When we go NC and deny them anything like a spoilt brat in a candy store, they can't handle it and we are painted black... . What an illness...

I think Social media is a real problem for my ex- it just enables and encourages her behaviour on a whole new level. Not to mention, it gives her a platform to broadcast her lies (including those about me, which are hard to remain indifferent about... ) As I read somewhere once, "Facebook gives a lonely person someone to tell their day to"

When you are BPD and incapable of having close friends, I guess it's even more so.

So sad...

[Madison66]

I'm 100 days out of my 3+ year r/s with my uBPD/NPD ex gf.  I was actually a replacement for her ex H and he was a replacement for her college bf.  She trashed her ex H pretty bad to me and others, and I'm sure she is trashing me to the new replacement.  The new replacement isn't actually a new replacement.  She met him prior to our two week b/u in Oct 2012, admitted to having feelings for him and had a r/s with him during our short break.  Then, he was back within a month of our final b/u in early Dec.  I'm aware of another poor sap who she used and disposed of within a couple weeks of the b/u.  I can't fully escape being exposed to this stuff cuz she lives on my street.  Aside from her breaking n/c for a ridiculous reason about four weeks ago, I've managed to maintain the distance and peace I've needed to heal and move forward with my life.  She attempted to set the terms for our r/s post breakup by stating she wanted to remain friends.  I made it clear that I was not interested in any kind of r/s due to the emotional and then physical abuse she doled out to me.  N/c means n/c.  That also includes n/c from her three young kids who I had r/s with.  I see it as one disordered and troubled "pod"/household, and it would perpetuate the unhealthiness for me to continue any kind of r/s with any of them.  Sad but true.

The replacement is actually a blessing is 100% true for me.  As long as it lasts, he is now the object of her unhealthy attachment and lack of boundaries.  He is the source for her narc supply need.  He is or will be the recipient of her emotional dysregulated fits and rages.  He is or will be awarded for his love and support with emotional abuse/blackmail and eventual physical abuse.  Poor, poor, poor sap!  On the other hand, I am living, laughing, loving and growing.  I've started (slowly) a r/s with a fabulous and healthy non PD lady.  I am moving forward and living my life thanks to my own strength, the flipping outstanding support from those around me, and due to the replacement helping to keep the unhealthiness from my end of the block.  I am so grateful for this poor sap!

[expos]

anad4747

You are going to be so much better off once you are another few months removed from this individual.  Trust me.

What I’m going to say here might come off brash and maybe controversial, but it should give you some perspective on the nightmare you went through.

In the eyes of your ex…...

You are nothing special.

Your replacement is someone special.

Now…bare with me.

Your replacement will be nobody special in another 3 months, 6 months, 4 years, etc.  We don’t know for sure.  But their relationship will never be good.   

And…you ARE special…it’s just that a person with a disorder can’t see that.

What is for certain is that people with BPD are users.  She is the beginning of a brand new relationship, and of course, things are going to be “amazing".  Your replacement is just an object she can hang onto because she is so empty inside that she literally can’t spend goddddammnn minute on her own. 

Her telling you not to date is a defense mechanism so that SHE will never feel like she had been abandoned.  You, being a good person, honored those wishes.  But she would never do that for you because she is heartless, selfish, and doesn’t feel love the same way you do.



With her new relationship cracks will appear, fights will ensue, boundaries will be crossed, and more tears will be shed.  I don’t care how strong you are, everyone has their own insecurities and people with BPD are incredibly good at saying the right things to destroy you and seduce you.  "Alpha” males are even victims of these emotional vampires.  I guarantee your replacement has no idea what she is in for and there is no way she possesses the tools to make it fulfilling a relationship. 

They are highly emotional, high conflict, and they live off that energy.  This is not normal or healthy behavior by any means.

Every time you look at your ex, you need to realize that she is basically mental.  This helped me get a grasp on my situation and will help you to.  Regardless of what you think, your relationship never would have lasted.  It might have lasted 5 more years, but I GUARANTEE it would have come to an end and it would have been REALLY ugly. 

Count your blessings that you eliminated this toxic waste from your life.   

Once you enter a new, healthy relationship, you’ll see just how bad she was in comparison. 

[tinkerbell09]

I meant to write this the other day, but my brain was still in panic mode... . ohhh yes, I understand panic mode... . I didn't mean to just blather on about myself. Anyhoo... . I meant to say that I support you in what you're going through and that "the replacement", though hard to take, can be a good thing. It helps put the final nail in the coffin of the image we had of them in our hearts and minds... . it helps us truly move on.

Stay N/C, for yourself... . I'm 6 days out from very last N/C and I'm already sleeping better. N/C is a blessing for us.

I also read and reread,(and wrote down on a Post-It and stuck it on my laptop) this from the "Surviving... . " article here. (Not a direct quote, but close)... . "they survived before you came along, they'll survive without you, you survived before you met them, you'll survive too"... . we will, and we'll have better lives.

It doesn't mean we don't have empathy for them... it means we know they have a PD and accept that we can't help them... . we can have empathy for them, but the main responsibility we have is to take care of ourselves.

[willtimeheal]

anad4747

I haven't been replaced yet by my gf yet... . That I know of. She replaced me over the summer and then came crawling back and I took her back. We have been together for six years. Have you figured out why you stayed?  That is what I am working on in therapy.  I am not a priority in her life. I feel like I give my all and get minimal in return. We spend no time together and she is perfectly fine with it. She spends all her time at her family's house and they are just as crazy as she is.