Okay, enough (for now) about our BPD ex's -- what about me?

[Sunny Side]

I've been thinking more about my own role in the r/s, why I entered it, why I stayed for so long (14 mos) when I knew it was so full of 's.  Even the writing of my story (what I've written so far) has helped.

What I'm learning:

Though I became quite a faithful codependent in our r/s (trying more to fix, fix fix, fix!), I had never sought out this type of r/s before -- the hero/rescuer/fixer of the helpless damsel.  In fact, I'd never been remotely attracted to the notion of "rescuing" any adult from anything, especially an SO in a romantic r/s.  But make no mistake, my r/s was a rescue operation from the start.  

1. The first attempted rescue was me (I was coming out of a depression, had isolated myself socially, was newly open to emotional connection).

2. Next was my ex's H (who was a close friend to me and was becoming sick).  

3&4.  Then their two children (I feared that neither my sick, detached friend nor his wife -- my uBPDexgf -- had the ability to safely parent them.  I mistakenly volunteered to do this.)

5.  And finally my ex.  What started out as a prickly friendship devolved into an attempt to change/rescue/control her.

It was a 5 person rescue operation but the first person lost at sea was me.  

My question for anyone is what have you learned about yourself and your role in your r/s with your pwBPD?  What may have led you to them?  :)id you volunteer?  Allow yourself to be "lured"?  :)o you seek out pwBPD's regularly? (some actually do).  Curious to know your thoughts and experiences.

[Clearmind]

SS, good idea delving deeper.

Where do you think your co-dependent traits originate from?

[Reforming]

Even if it's not habitual I think rescuing can fill a vacuum in your life and give you the illusion of being strong, worthy, good.

I think it's much easier to rescue someone else than rescue yourself. Just like it's easier to give good advice than take it.


Other people's problems or weaknesses can be a very appealing - even addictive - distraction from our own problems.

Facing up to your own personal issues is painful and takes sustained, hard work.

It so much easier to focus on another person and their problems.

And as some astute posters her have pointed out. Ultimately rescuing someone else isn't actually altruistic.

We rescue because we enjoy the power and control that it gives us

We rescue because we want to feel needed and loved but not in relationship of real equality.

We rescue because we want someone to rescue us. Yet we often become terribly hurt and disappointed when they don't reciprocate and end up resenting us

Focussing on yourself and taking real responsibility for your life and your choices is hard

[DB33]

When I first learned about BPD from my xGF mother (who happens to also be a therapist) I went into overdrive asking learning and trying to repair.

I came to the conclusion that she had BPD /NPD/psychosis traits and possibly more. But I am not a psychologist and while it would be easy for me to slap a label on this and say; Yeah that's her problem, look at her, that's why we are going through this... .

But the reality of it is it takes two to make a relationship, two to make it work, and it's in most instances two that make it fail.

So to be fair I had to look in the mirror. And what I saw was far from perfect:

I had a traumatic childhood with an abusive alcoholic father. He was abandoned by his parents , raised by his grandmother for a short while then sent off to military school. He had no parenting skills , was very NPD and violent. Rages, beatings, gun to my moms head threatening to pull the trigger etc. etc. The world revolved around him and his needs, to hell with everyone else.

I very rarely think about that, and have deluded myself that I came out of it unscathed. I don't drink, I am not violent, I don't even argue... . But something is amiss.

I talked to a therapist about this BPD thing with my xGF when I first learned about it, looking for insight. His first question was if I am codependent. I immediately answered no- though at the time I wasn't sure what it even meant. I just didn't want to admit that there maybe could be something wrong with me. (The same thing she does) So instead I focused on her and the issues I perceived. But it finally became apparent that I needed to also turn the microscope back around onto myself.

It has been a road of discovery. I am codependent. I also have fears of abandonment. And sometimes I do stupid things because of it. During my childhood I gained the ability to block out things in my head that were bad. That has been both a blessing and a curse. As I said on a previous post, I don't think about the bad parts of my r/s I tend to remember the good stuff. I read here a while back to keep a journal. I did that and it was painful; all the memories that went onto paper were bad. When I talked about my r/s the same thing happened. I am hurt and disappointed. I am seeing signs of depression in myself as well. I am obsessing over getting something back that isn't obtainable. And I find it all to easy to live in a delusion and be in denial. Yes I know I need to get mentally healthier and can see where I need to go with this. But there is this little voice in the back of my head that doesn't want to listen to reason.

[Sunny Side]

SS, good idea delving deeper.

Where do you think your co-dependent traits originate from?

Good question, clearmind, it's something I plan to explore in therapy.  I do know that many of Reforming's thoughts ring true for me.  I think the struggle in my own life the last fews years leading up to my BPD r/s was a place where I didn't feel personally healthy/worthy enough (my career had gotten off-track and become unstable) to pursue r/s's, and my enmeshment with my friend's family (though benign at first) later became an enabling distraction, and one that appealed to my sense of worth.  

I'm curious about my FOO as well.  Both my parents are successful achievers but their child-rearing process with me and my two siblings was one of detachment.  My dad, though present was not involved in active daily support -- he just wanted results -- and my mom I always viewed as a "professional parent".  Everything on the surface was there, both parents worked, we ate meals together, had friends over, attended church, did all the surface things and were thought of as a model family in many ways.  I'm sure there are some issues there worth exploring and that is part of my plan going forward.

[Madison66]

The key to healing and detaching for me has been to see that I made the choice to participate in the r/s and allowed myself to endure 3+ years of abuse.  The focus changed from her to me, which was very liberating and empowering.  "I chose" and "I allowed" are how I start many sentences when I reflect back on the r/s.  That has led to self love and acceptance, along with self forgiveness.  This has also helped me take the energy out of the connection to my ex gf, ultimately helping me to move on to live, love, laugh and grow.  I look back now on some of the crazy things I allowed myself to endure with indifference.  It is like a memory of a memory. 

I know that my drive to make the r/s work in the face of the abuse and craziness goes back to attempting to connect with my alcoholic father when I was young.  I know that I put up with the dysfunctional communication and verbal abuse because that is what I dealt with as a kid and deep inside felt I deserved.  As a child in a alcoholic household, I would withdraw and internalize the confusing emotions, words and actions around me.  I could go on and on with this, but I now look at life differently.  Many sessions with my T have helped me deal with and find peace from these things.  I recently started a new r/s with a special someone.  I can't tell you how good it feels to live in the present and not worry about having to interpret, defend or take on someone elses emotions, words or actions.  Even the hungover feeling that something crazy is about to happen is starting to pass, although I still have some work to do on that one... .    

[Sunny Side]

Thanks clearmind, madison, reforming & DB for your responses.  It makes the journey back less lonesome.  I was reading through some of 2010's posts earlier.  There is some Jedi-level info the posts.  This particular one struck as relevant for me:

"There comes a time when we all have to realize that the relationship we are struggling with is due to our own wishful thinking for childhood acceptance. Just like in BPD, thoughts can become beliefs. When our beliefs are so strong- yet, unsuited to personal happiness, we must discard them and replace them with new beliefs. This is the bulk of your work in the aftermath of a failed relationship, especially with someone who cuts so deeply into your core wound. We must understand the reasons why we became involved with a dramatic and erratic person who had as many ideas about who we were as we had about them. Maybe who we were has changed in the aftermath and now we can see clearly what needs to mature.  The repressed pain is at the surface and hurts, but rather than repress it again- you've got to delve into it. You can't delve into pain while simultaneously searching for the good reflection from your Borderline partner. Borderline personality disorder is a persecution complex. All you are going to find is a professional victim. Let go.

... . Your partner only mirrored your false self.  Your sadness needs to be allowed as you let go of outdated beliefs about who you are and turn your focus to your true persona, the one who is scared and alone. That child has a need to be understood and deserves a pat on the back. Stop being distracted by trying to fix a broken mirror. Help that child.

It all begins with letting go of trying to control others and turning the focus to ourselves."  

[tinkerbell09]

*nods*... . looking inward is hard... . very worth it though. Still in the early days myself, but trying to look at me... not the ex. I support you in this way of thinking Sunnyside.

[Sunny Side]

*nods*... . looking inward is hard... . very worth it though. Still in the early days myself, but trying to look at me... not the ex. I support you in this way of thinking Sunnyside.

I read your history tinkerbell, you have my empathy and keep working  !  It sounds like you know where you want to be as opposed to what you came out of.  Give yourself a pat on the back.

It's really helped me to read more of the scientific/psyhcological info regarding BPD.  2010's post here (Who is this warlock?  His/Her articulation and knowledge of the disorder, its causes & effects is frighteningly accurate!) have been very enlightening for me.  There are some 38 pages of 2010's posts but if you're interested in the psych side I recommend them.

All in all, imo, it starts with me (& you & other potentially codependent "nons" seeking and rebirthing my authentic self, that self that in the past few years of personal struggle I allowed to be seduced then progressively intertwined with the my BPD's perpetually attachment-seeking self.  The ensuing bond was intoxicating on many levels though realistically broken and caustic from the start.

I look forward to hearing how your detachment goes!

[Reforming]

That are some fantastic members on this board who offer really great information and insight into BPD.

When I first came here one of the posters recommended 2010 so I read all of her posts (a couple of times)

She helps you see beyond your pain and confusion, acknowledge the disorder for what it is and challenge your own behaviour and choices.

And she manages to strike a balance between compassion and self awareness

interesting and inspiring to see someone else's journey through the pain and confusion to a healthier place.

But there are others here whose knowledge and understanding can really help. It's such a great site

[goldylamont]

hi Sunny Side, my perspective tends to differ from the majority of nons but i like to share perhaps how a minority of us may feel... .

My question for anyone is what have you learned about yourself and your role in your r/s with your pwBPD?

i learned i have a tremendous amount of patience and strength. i learned that i'm not codependent. i learned that i had no idea what it was like to know someone with a PD like this and now have an understanding and empathy that only others that have experienced first-hand could understand. i learned that i'm not a cheater despite repeatedly being accused of being one. learned i really love being in love (i can be a bit aloof at times). that i actually enjoy living with the woman i love. that i can fully enjoy long term monogamous r/s, and can work through hard times. i learned to trust my gut instincts and to act on them.

What may have led you to them?  

well, nothing led me to her... . in a sense that i don't think i send out i-want-to-be-with-crazy-women vibes. i've met a few though. i was simply attracted to her from the moment we met. i was never attracted to her "dark" side, per say, but was aware that there was something there. i was pretty ignorant at the time of who she truly was... . took me years to see it all

Did you volunteer?  Allow yourself to be "lured"?  :)o you seek out pwBPD's regularly? (some actually do).

no. no. and, no.

I read this quote today and kind of had to laugh:

"The law of attraction is no “secret” and it is profoundly misinterpreted. Sometimes we attract exactly what we need to grow, and sometimes a sociopath walks through the door, one who can fool anyone... . " -Jeff Brown

I'm one of the rare nons who kind of identifies with this

[Sunny Side]

hi Sunny Side, my perspective tends to differ from the majority of nons but i like to share perhaps how a minority of us may feel... .

i learned i have a tremendous amount of patience and strength. i learned that i'm not codependent. i learned that i had no idea what it was like to know someone with a PD like this and now have an understanding and empathy that only others that have experienced first-hand could understand. i learned that i'm not a cheater despite repeatedly being accused of being one. learned i really love being in love (i can be a bit aloof at times). that i actually enjoy living with the woman i love. that i can fully enjoy long term monogamous r/s, and can work through hard times. i learned to trust my gut instincts and to act on them.

I read this quote today and kind of had to laugh:

"The law of attraction is no “secret” and it is profoundly misinterpreted. Sometimes we attract exactly what we need to grow, and sometimes a sociopath walks through the door, one who can fool anyone... . " -Jeff Brown

I'm one of the rare nons who kind of identifies with this

Good stuff goldy!  Thanks for the comment.  I agree in the sense my BPD r/s became a great teacher to me about some of the very same things you mentioned.  It's weird but I felt similarly in the sense that the r/s forced me to grow to see what I've wanted all along from a r/s and also what I was willing to give but perhaps wasn't fully connected/aware of how to enact in a mutually healthy way.

I really do feel that after all the pain and dust settles from this r/s that you emerge with a PhD level understanding of intimacy (false intimacy as well) .  It's quite a journey and lesson.

What may have led you to them?  

well, nothing led me to her... . in a sense that i don't think i send out i-want-to-be-with-crazy-women vibes. i've met a few though. i was simply attracted to her from the moment we met. i was never attracted to her "dark" side, per say, but was aware that there was something there. i was pretty ignorant at the time of who she truly was... . took me years to see it all

Funny, I was not attracted to mine it seems until I felt the 'crazy' had died down a bit and when I finally allowed an interaction/attraction to develop it may have been partially a result of her mirroring me (becoming attracted to myself -- yikes).  Even now who she "truly was" is still a question I cannot answer b/c I think she's just now (at 45 after 10 years of marriage and two young kids) trying to forge a core identity for herself. 

Thanks for your post.