Is anyone afraid they might turn out like their BPD parent ?

[Our abuse recovery guide]

I'm in my early twenties still constantly trying to learn how to cope wity

Mother having BPD. I am also trying to be successful with my life as I am still in college. Sometimes I look back on my life weather it's how I handled fights with friends or boyfriends and I start to cry. I think did I have all these failed friendships and relationships because I was acting like my mom I felt brainwashed into thinking the way she does. I am fill of regret with how I acted. Being a little older and in therapy I recognize how I don't wanna be like my

Mom and how to cope with things but I am still afraid I am still stuck in a rut of her way of thinking.

For example when I was younger she was never happy unless I was the BEST. If I got an A on an exam and my friend got an A plus I disapointed her. If my team

Won in soccer but I didn't score the goal I disapointed her. I used to have to hide the news papers so my mom wouldn't see what of my friendssss honor roll. How pathetic is that? I was constantly scared and put so much pressure on myself. I played soccer in college but I didn't feel like I was playing for myself. I began to be upset when we would win games and I didn't score or do something significant ... Shouldn't I be a good teammate at be happy. I ended up quitting this year and it's saddens be I quit only because I couldn't handle the pressure my mom put on me and it ruined the fun. I am all for competiveness but she made me dislike people for doing better then me.

I am relieved I do recognize how it's wrong but I'm scared everyday that I'm going to be like her and treat my kids this way. I will even yell my little brother sometimes and be replies " your just like mom" I love my mom I really do but it breaks me

To here him say that.

It's so difficult I know I should focus on me but with so many other factors like my

Siblings happiness and my dad and trying to help my mom I feel like it's impossible to focus on me .  Will there always be some of my mom in me? I'm scared

[Shelbypup4141]

I'm in my early twenties still constantly trying to learn how to cope wity

Mother having BPD. I am also trying to be successful with my life as I am still in college. Sometimes I look back on my life weather it's how I handled fights with friends or boyfriends and I start to cry. I think did I have all these failed friendships and relationships because I was acting like my mom I felt brainwashed into thinking the way she does. I am fill of regret with how I acted. Being a little older and in therapy I recognize how I don't wanna be like my

Mom and how to cope with things but I am still afraid I am still stuck in a rut of her way of thinking.

For example when I was younger she was never happy unless I was the BEST. If I got an A on an exam and my friend got an A plus I disapointed her. If my team

Won in soccer but I didn't score the goal I disapointed her. I used to have to hide the news papers so my mom wouldn't see what of my friendssss honor roll. How pathetic is that? I was constantly scared and put so much pressure on myself. I played soccer in college but I didn't feel like I was playing for myself. I began to be upset when we would win games and I didn't score or do something significant ... Shouldn't I be a good teammate at be happy. I ended up quitting this year and it's saddens be I quit only because I couldn't handle the pressure my mom put on me and it ruined the fun. I am all for competiveness but she made me dislike people for doing better then me.

I am relieved I do recognize how it's wrong but I'm scared everyday that I'm going to be like her and treat my kids this way. I will even yell my little brother sometimes and be replies " your just like mom" I love my mom I really do but it breaks me

To here him say that.

It's so difficult I know I should focus on me but with so many other factors like my

Siblings happiness and my dad and trying to help my mom I feel like it's impossible to focus on me .  Will there always be some of my mom in me? I'm scared

[PrettyPlease]

I think did I have all these failed friendships and relationships because I was acting like my mom I felt brainwashed into thinking the way she does. I am fill of regret with how I acted. Being a little older and in therapy I recognize how I don't wanna be like my

Mom

[snip]... .

Will there always be some of my mom in me? I'm scared

Hi Shelbypup,

It's tough growing up in a house with PD parents (mine were undiagnosed, but I think I had two, an NPD and a BPD). In my opinion it's highly likely that your personality is affected in some way, but it doesn't mean that you're like her or that you'll turn out to be like her later. Many children of BPDs or other abusive parents develop various sorts of compensations -- enabling, co-dependence, perfectionism, covert narcissism, etc. -- but many of these traits are very different from BPD itself. It's good to understand yourself anyway, though, and I'm glad you're seeing a T.

Of course it's also possible that you've learned some BPD traits. You mentioned ways you were "acting like" your mother. What sorts of things were these? Were they core BPD traits, like in the list of 9 criteria in the DSM IV?

PP

[Kwamina]

Hello Shelbypup4141,

The fear you're talking about is something I've often experienced too. Being raised by a BPD parent unfortunately means that they learn us a whole lot of dysfunctional behaviors and coping skills. However, that doesn't have to mean that you've got BPD too. These dysfunctional behaviors and coping skills can also be unlearned and the therapy you're in can help you do so.

Reading your post I strongly get the sense that there's a big difference between you and your BPD mother. It's very clear that you have the ability to reflect on your own behavior and are willing to work on being a better person. To me that's a big difference between people with BPD and people without it. I too just like you was brainwashed into thinking and behaving like my BPD mother but I have been able to unlearn certain things and grow into a better person. But when I look at my uBPD mom and sis I've seen absolutely no growth at all. They don't take any responsibility for their behavior and are totally unwilling or unable to acknowledge that there's something seriously wrong with them.

Being raised by a BPD parent is something that will always be a part of us so in that sense there will always be 'some of your mom in you' but that isn't the same as having BPD yourself. Take care and good luck on your continued journey for healing.

[P.F.Change]

Dear shelbypup4141,

You have a lot on your plate right now. I remember being your age and all the pressures of college, pressures from home, pressures from myself, and I felt overwhelmed. I had a mother with BPD and had not learned many skills for coping with these stressors because my parents were not able to model any for me. It is wonderful that you are able to help yourself at this age by seeking support from a therapist.

I think most of us have been afraid of becoming like our parent with BPD. It can be very scary to think that could happen, as you said. The truth is, there are some things about ourselves we can't change (such as our genes), and things that we can change (such as our thoughts and behaviors). The things you seem most afraid of right now are things you have the power to change. You are in charge!  And you have a therapist who can help you when you notice a behavior that you want to work on. This gives you an advantage. 

Please be gentle with yourself about your relationships. We are all human and we all make mistakes--this does not mean we are bad or don't deserve to enjoy life.  What matters is what we learn from them. We do our best with the tools we have, and when we need a tool we don't have we can ask for help. It sounds like you are on this path. Stay on it and things will get better for you.

Have you had a look at any of the LESSONS here on this board? If you would like some suggestions for places to start, we would be happy to share some.

Wishing you peace,

PF

[sarielle]

Hi Shelby

I totally understand where you are coming from.

Before I was aware of the BPD diagnosis I would say the following things:

"I will never be a single mum, because the children grow up thinking there is only one way to see the world. If a child has 2 parents at least they are aware that there is a plurality of ways to see the world and think"

"When I have kids I am not ever going to let them be exposed to her energy, I do not want them to know that there can be so much darkness"

"There is no point in talking to her, because she is a black hole of energy. Any compassion or positive energies I have get sucked into her vortex of negativity ALWAYS"

As a result of the above I never wanted children per se, but I did want to be part of a warm and loving family home. I am 41 now and at 38 I fell pregnant, and the overpowering thought in my mind, is that I would never want to make someone else feel the way I felt. Also she made me feel so bad, that I was the burden around her neck, that I could not imagine anything pleasant for the parent in a parent/child relationship. I would see friends with their kids and just be shocked at the tenderness, joy and entertainment they got from their children. I could not relate.

My mother was clinically depressed for the last 25years and so according to her and her psychologists this was the illness which made her so dark. I didn't fully accept it - but if the doctors say so, it must be true.

Only about a month ago did I discover the BPD diagnosis, and saw so many of her traits and understood so many of my "failed relationships" whether friendships or loves most of which fell apart on my feeling betrayed and loosing all respect and cutting ties completely.

Now I know that she was BPD - and that many of the constructs in me are her pre-programming, I have no doubt we can get beyond this. By recognising the patterns so early in life, you have plenty of time to re-programme yourself healthily. It is true it is a heavy load but the rewards are true freedom.

Personally, I can say that I have been running from being hunted for the last 22 years and only now did I realise why I felt that way and the wasted years are what I mourn most. The years of subliminal anxiety, of which I was not aware and thought I was normal. Your ability to self reflect, the plasticity of your brain will help you press the refresh button. My advice would be not overload yourself with competitive activities rather open new horizons of places which make you feel safe and secure.

I found small waterfalls that I could stand under, made me feel refreshed, renewed even though I was constantly running. Now I understand how this all fits in to the larger pattern - I am determined "the bhit" won't win anymore of my life. She died just over a year ago, and I went mostly nc at 18 when she threw me out of the house, but never faced what happened there. You are doing well. Many posts that I have read made me feel like I caught it young too. Think of it this way, when you cut yourself you can clean the wound immediately and there will be little scaring, if you leave it a while it will get infected and there will be an ugly scar, if you leave it longer the infection might spread to your blood and you could die. You have caught it young, you are aware, you have the power now. You will not be like you Mum, it is not possible anymore because of your awareness. Well done

[GeekyGirl]

Hi Shelbypup,

To answer your question, I agree with the others that just about everyone who comes here has some fear of being like his/her BPD parent, so know that you're not alone.   Since our parents are our first teachers, we learn a lot from them, and can sometimes pick up some of their traits (we call them "fleas" here). The good news is that you can be your own person and not repeat the behavior that you grew up with.

It's so difficult I know I should focus on me but with so many other factors like my

Siblings happiness and my dad and trying to help my mom I feel like it's impossible to focus on me .

It's ok to focus on yourself and your needs. Your biggest responsibility is to take care of yourself right now. Your father's responsibility is to take care of your younger siblings.

Reading your post I strongly get the sense that there's a big difference between you and your BPD mother. It's very clear that you have the ability to reflect on your own behavior and are willing to work on being a better person. To me that's a big difference between people with BPD and people without it.

I agree with Kwamina 100%.

[kitsch]

Hi Shelbypup,

I think I understand some of your fears of becoming like your BPD parent. I went through tremendous anxiety, depression and intense emotions in my 20's mostly because I didn't have good coping skills or a good support system as I left home because I was raised by a BPD parent. Especially know that in your 20's you're very much forming your identity separate from your parents so this is just the time that you would be seeing that this could be an issue... . or the emotional support that you did not get in your family could be really starting to affect your life now through a flood of emotions and loss as you are detaching a bit.

I went through a period where I thought that I was bi polar and manipulative because my moods were fluctuating so much. The way I have learned to understand it now - I am 38... . is that children who have had to emotionally care for themselves have a bit of a different emotional road ahead. It might be bumpy now, but it doesn't mean it always will be. It's awesome that you are in therapy. Try and remember this is a process.

I think too that the fact that you are examining the possibility that you could be like your parent is a sign of self reflection- a way of healing and self knowledge. We all are a bit like our parents, but we don't ever have to be like them. We for sure have the power to heal and see where we can improve where they could not... . and I think this can be way more powerful than genetics.

Take Care!

[Tightrope walker]

Like the others, I was afraid that I had BPD.  I had a hormone unbalance that really made my moods peak and dip at a moments notice.  I was afraid that I was like my UBPD/NPD father.  Now that the hormones have been addressed and several years have passed, I am able to reflect on those days.

   First of all, none of us are perfect and each of us have our own personalities.  My husband is an introvert, so I am used to someone "bottling" up their feelings.  Eventually these feelings spill out someone.

   I think with the parents we have had, it is hard to trust someone.  After all in various ways, our feelings were not validated. I have to say validate your feelings, but don't use them for an excuse.

   Example, "My husband is not listening to me.  I have a right to feel shut out."

   Does that mean I can get angry and yell at him, no.

   Shellypup4141, no one is a perfect parent and we have all made mistakes.  It is how you learn from your mistakes that makes a better parent and not repeating the same actions.  Also, if you need help, you must be smart enough to get it.

    I think you are not exactly like your mother, since you recognize what some of her actions did to you.  My father never stopped his behavior, admitted any wrong and continued to harm others until the day he died.  If you are willing not to repeat what she did, you are already on the right path.

                                                                                                                                       Tightrope Walker

[cheerio99]

If you're this insightful about it in your early twenties, then it seems to me that chances are you'll do a lot better than your mother did.

For example, I have a friend whose mother I think is SEVERELY BPD and her father I think has NPD--a winning combo. She struggled immensely in college (as did I to some extent--that's part of why we became friends, ), dating people who were terrible for her and who treated her like garbage. But you know what? She used every tool in the book to get herself better. Church, yoga, therapy, massage, friendship, you name it, she's tried it.

And you know what? She's in her early forties now and she's a lot better. It took an incredible amount of effort because I think she honestly didn't know what it felt like to be loved until she was like 30. She thought it felt f**ed up and bad to be loved and that it was supposed to feel that way. But over the years she's managed to weed out the toxic people in her life and surround her self with helpful supportive people, to learn to set boundaries, manage her INTENSE emotions, etc. Which isn't to say that she's perfect -- nobody is -- but she doesn't have BPD. And I think she could have had it.

In my own life, I was also pretty messed up in my late teens and early twenties. Most notable were some issues with eating disorders and just gruelingly bad relationships, emotional outbursts, etc. But now I'm actually pretty happy and people are shocked if I tell them about what a disaster I was when I was younger.

The point is, things can get better, especially if you work at it. It's really important to forgive yourself. You're going to do some sh**y things--everybody does, especially when they're young, and even if they don't have mental health issues. But you have a lot to overcome and unlearn as well, so you might need to give yourself a little extra leeway for the learning process. Destructive mental habits don't just disappear overnight, it's more of a two steps forward one step back kind of process. Just try to compare yourself not to some ideal of how you should be, but to how you were five years ago.

Good luck!

[AnnieSurvivor]

I think awareness, which you definitely have, is the key.  You are not your mother, as much as she might try and make you think that way. 

When I was around your age into my middle 20s or so, I did act like her in the sense I would be just as verbally and emotionally abusive to her as she was to me.  By my teen years I had had enough and fought back HARD, matching every sniping remark, judgment and criticism with the same or worse - I would cut to the core about her weight issues, failed relationships, anything to make her pay for making me live in such a miserable environment.  Finally we had a huge blowout when I was about 25 and since then I am still in contact but mostly withdrawn (I am 43 now).  I realized treating her horribly was exhausting (and not natural for me) and unhealthy for me, and while I am not necessarily nice and friendly, I am polite and try to be as pleasant as possible for the times when we do talk or see each other, as I would be to any other human.  Luckily I have never felt the need to treat anyone else badly in the same manner.

I would also suggest that as sad as it is, you limit telling her about what is going on in your life, then you will be able to enjoy yourself and your successes better without her judgmental lens.  If she bothers to ask what you're up to (which in my case doesn't happen all that much), you can choose something trivial or just say "not much" as you choose.  I have not told my mom about anything that I do that involves money (vacations, entertainment activities, etc) or how I use my vacation time in about 10 years, as these are huge triggers for her.  Living far away helps as she is not likely to find out by mistake.

Good luck and keep working - it is a lifelong project but much happiness is out there once you start accepting her BPD issues and work on living your life as you see fit.

[AsianSon]

This topic just came up again for me following some interactions with my uBPD mother this weekend. 

Maybe a key component of the question is "persistence" (pervasive pattern) in the BPD traits.  There are discussions of how some pwBPD only seem to display the traits to some people or in some circumstances (especially for high functioning pwBPD).  So "persistence" or "pervasiveness" seems to be the reliable repetition of the traits in those situations.

For my aging mother, I've noticed how the traits have spread to, and become persistent and pervasive in, more and more situations in recent years.  This is part of how I came to be convinced about her condition. 

So for those of us asking the question, maybe we should consider how persistent or pervasive are our behaviors that might be common with BPD?  Also, are those behaviors spreading to more people or circumstances in our lives? 

On the flip side, if the behaviors are not reliably repeated, maybe we are more concerned than we need to be. 

Hopefully this makes sense to others.