How responsible are they?

[fresh_hell]

My situation is a bit different than most of you. I met my husband when he was 20, he was 21 when we married. At the time his symptoms were mild. He was physically clingy and emotionally insecure. He seemed genuinely afraid that I would figure out my mistake and walk out on him. I had a young son at the time and this sweet sensitive man became the perfect husband to me and father to my son.

At some point over the last 20 years, the facade he was maintaining began to crack. I don't know when he started cheating, but I now know it's been going on at least 2.5 years. His addictive impulses had seemed to be all about food and body image. His weight went up and down by 150 pounds, once before I met him and twice during our marriage. I  never suspected him of infidelity until last year.

He blew up our marriage, leaving me for a stripper he barely knew. We've been living separately ever since, dancing around the idea of reconciliation for a year. I thought he'd hit mid-life and lost his freaking mind. Two months ago I found out I'd contracted an STD. Since then the truth has been leaking out bit by bit. Thousands of dollars paid to sex workers, starting well before the separation.

Since I've learned the truth, he's completely fallen apart. He seems to meet 8 of the 9 criteria for BPD. He's been cutting. Threatening suicide and making one serious attempt (wound up in the hospital). Drinking to excess. Riding a motorcycle he doesn't know how to ride. He alternates between abject apologies and self-loathing to accusations of me trying to control his every move. We had to quit couples therapy because he thought our therapist and I were conspiring against him. He made the same accusation about one of our oldest friends. He's told me repeatedly he doesn't know who he is anymore. He begs me to reconcile, then sends me texts about how he can't trust me anymore. At times he behaves like a 5 year old child.

This guy was the most stable, trustworthy, dependable person you can imagine. He was loving and generous, he showed me how much he loved me every day until the day he left. I knew he had problems with depression and anxiety, but he always blamed it on work or a transient mood.

He's in therapy, he's seeing a psychiatrist. He's on anti-depressant and anti-anxiety medication. He's got no diagnosis (that seems to be common) He's been meditating (a lot). Drinking continues to be an issue (both his parents alcoholic). When he fails he lashes out at me. I know this stuff is old news to you guys, but it's all new to me.

I'm getting help too, therapy and psychiatry. I keep whiplashing between wanting to be there for this obviously damaged man, being furious at his betrayal of me, blaming the illness and absolving him, weeping for the loss of the man he was. Am I unhealthily enmeshed, codependent or a committed spouse? Is it even reasonable to consider forgiving his past behavior? We have one teenager still at home. I hate to see her dragged into this mess. Advice?

[Want2know]

I'm getting help too, therapy and psychiatry. I keep whiplashing between wanting to be there for this obviously damaged man, being furious at his betrayal of me, blaming the illness and absolving him, weeping for the loss of the man he was. Am I unhealthily enmeshed, codependent or a committed spouse? Is it even reasonable to consider forgiving his past behavior? We have one teenager still at home. I hate to see her dragged into this mess. Advice?

It's good you are working through this in therapy.  What sense are you getting from your therapist/psychiatrist about next steps for you regarding your marriage?

If you are considering some kind of reconciliation, the infidelity is going to be difficult, but not impossible to work with.  A lot of it depends on if he has really resolved the reasons for his behaviors (ie. drinking and cheating).  If those issues are still there, the possibility for the behavior to continue is still there.

Hang in there - we're here to help. 

[maxsterling]

Personally, infidelity would probably be the deal breaker for me because I would never be able to forgive that.  And part of my lack of forgiveness would be tied to not being able to trust that my partner ever successfully solved her issues.  So on that note, I agree with Want2know.

The age-old saying that "people never change" is mostly true.  People can change with a lot of work.  If your husband is putting in a lot of work for an extended period of time, you may regain trust that he won't cheat again.  If he isn't doing a lot of work on himself, chances are high that some day his behavior will repeat.