Making Amends with the xILs but Still Leery and Untrusting

[FreedomReigns]

I have not been on these boards for a very, very long time, largely in part because my xMIL passed away in April 2012, thereby freeing me of her uBPD shenanigans and miserable life. It is only now, two years later that I am slowly mending my relationship with xSIL and xFIL. I never had a problem, really, with xFIL, who just did as he was told to appease his wife. Even though xSIL talk, I am still guarded around her. She still tries to undermine my authority with my girls, although not as much as before when we lived near them.

Anyway, I have a great opportunity to go to Seattle for a conference next week. I've already bought my plane and event tickets, so I am definitely going.

I haven't been anywhere like this in a long time. I was banking on my oldest daughter, who is 20, to come home from spring break and stay here while I was gone to watch after her three sisters. However, she got the great opportunity to do some environmental volunteer work during spring break and has opted for that instead. So, I had no other choice but to ask xSIL to stay with my other three girls, ages 15, 14, and 12. So, we met last night and discussed plans. I laid out the ground rules, explaining that the girls did their own laundry, dishes, etc., etc. I do NOT want xSIL cleaning my house and going through my things. In fact, I find myself thinking about things I need to hide before they are here and I am not around to safeguard my belongings. Before we left to go out to dinner, we went through the garage and took xSIL's new truck. Coming back, we went through the garage again (this is customary for my girls and I and we didn't think anything of it). As we were entering the house, I turned to see xFIL glancing around the garage, looking down at some tools that had belonged to my husband (deceased). I knew then that I would have to hide those tools, among other thing that belonged to my husband. I found myself thinking of ways I can “bait” him to see if anything has been touched in my garage (he will be home alone during the day while everyone is at work or school, so there’s no telling what he’ll do). He can’t be left alone at their house, either. He’s always had his wife or daughter fix meals for him and when they don’t, he simply won’t eat. 

Anyway, another thing that xSIl said to my D15 was that "perhaps I'll let you drive my new truck." She didn’t ask my permission or anything and, of course, D15 was all over that. I didn't say anything because then the evening would have been ruined, but it still frustrates me! 

Oh, and another thing is that they got an offer on their house and when it sells, xSIL said they wanted to get a house with about 1/4 acre "somewhere out in this area" (where I live). I KNOW what she's getting at. D15 has oftentimes requested a horse. So, I wouldn't put it past xSIL to buy a horse!

Ugh! I want to go to Seattle but I am so scared of leaving my kids alone with her. I am afraid of what I’ll find when I come back, i.e., brainwashed kids who will look at me as the “bad” person. Her mother was good at that!  She really is like her mother. I thought she'd changed (or at least there'd be more hope in that she would change), but I was wrong.

Unfortunately, I don’t really have anyone else to watch the kids, and I cannot leave them home alone.  The oldest living at home is only 15.

Advice?

[Lights]

I think it comes down to a simple ratio:  does the actual/potential enjoyment from the trip outweigh the actual/potential worry of leaving the girls with this person (who will be in your house)? 

Also, what is the risk of not going on the trip vs. the risk of letting this person be in your life?

Is there anyone else you could call on for this kind of big favor?  You really don't sound comfortable with the situation.

[FreedomReigns]

I think it comes down to a simple ratio:  does the actual/potential enjoyment from the trip outweigh the actual/potential worry of leaving the girls with this person (who will be in your house)? 

Also, what is the risk of not going on the trip vs. the risk of letting this person be in your life?

Yes, actually, it does. I really want to go on this trip. I haven't done a whole lot for myself since my DH died, and this is one time that I can. As far as xSIL being in my house, let's just say I am "somewhat" comfortable with it, but not 100% comfortable with it. I have already hid DH's tools and some other things and am ensuring my daughter puts my mail in my room while I am gone (they used to go through my mail when xMIL was alive). So, I still take precautions. I do think xSIL will do okay, though. She knows me well enough now that if she does something I won't like, I won't hesitate to speak up. I used to bottle it up inside me until I unleashed on her one day. I had had enough and I let her have it with both barrels. I don't like to say I started making HER walk on eggshells around me then, but it did open her eyes to the fact that I was no longer going to lay down like a carpet for them to walk all over). 

Is there anyone else you could call on for this kind of big favor?  You really don't sound comfortable with the situation.

No. No one. Everyone else works. And, like I mentioned, my daughter was unable to come due to her volunteer opportunity. xSIL will work, too, but xFIL will be here round-the-clock.