i still give his words soo much power

[corraline]

So its been over one month no contact.  Im working on myself and doing my best to detach and i get emails the other night out of the blue.  He calls me a coward and tells me i need a skilled therapist.

He has been telling me this all along altho i see someone who i think is working for me.  He called her a little girl. (of course)

I keep ruminating over the coward thing and i struggle because as much as i think it didn't affect me, it did. It brings me back to the constant statements he made that i didnt accept my part in the relationship. I did look at my contribution and in my therapy I am... Of course I am still looking at what he did. Its part of me trying to sort out why I behaved the way i did too. I understand too that its me still being the victim too.

He used to always say that he couldn't tell me specifically what was wrong with me because it wouldnt help me.  It was something that I needed to figure out for myself .  (he was a counselor)

This makes sense to some degree but it felt manipulative.  To point out all of the time that I am wrong but when i wanted him to express what he means by that i got the same story. I thought if we could talk about what he saw as far as my part maybe we could sort thru it and find a way to deal with it. I wasnt asking him to fix it but was interested in his perspective since he was the one in relationship with me after all. I also did value his opinion .  I still feel frustrated. It felt like a power game.  He always acted like he held the key but wasn't going to ever let me have it and that my weakness or good girl narc traits prevented me from seeing it.

[Turkish]

I still feel frustrated. It felt like a power game.  He always acted like he held the key but wasn't going to ever let me have it and that my weakness or good girl narc traits prevented me from seeing it.

It is. The fact that he is a counselor is not surprising. We've had members here who also had partners who were mental health professionals. My uBPDx wanted to be a psychologist (not as a power game, but to fix others without looking at herself, I surmise). Physician, heal thyself?

A mature adult, much less a professional, does not call a colleague a "little girl." This telegraphs the lack of emotional maturity he exhibits. I know it's hard and you want to beat up on ourself over you role in the r/s (I did, most of us did or are), but the power is yours to take back. His words, though hurtful, are words. Courage is not the absence of fear, it's action in spite of fear. You are taking action. He is not. Take that to the bank.

[corraline]

Thanks Turkish

I initially went to see a psychiatrist because my anxiety etc was getting the best of me .  This guy was very reputable. My ex told me before I went that I would probably seduce him with my good girl victim stories because i was so good at that.  I told the psychiatrist this on my first visit.  Mostly cause if thats what was going on, i did not want to do this.  I wanted to take responsibility for my part. My ex also wanted to come to the session.  I did not allow this to happen.  It did not feel right to me.  He threw that in my face.  I became so concerned that I was missing something about myself that was wrong i started looking at everything i did . It was really crazy. Constantly analyzing myself to see if I really was a manipulator, a good girl victim, etc. I am so embarrassed to admit this and i feel sick even thinking about it again.

[Turkish]

Thanks Turkish

I initially went to see a psychiatrist because my anxiety etc was getting the best of me .  This guy was very reputable. My ex told me before I went that I would probably seduce him with my good girl victim stories because i was so good at that.  I told the psychiatrist this on my first visit.  Mostly cause if thats what was going on, i did not want to do this.  I wanted to take responsibility for my part. My ex also wanted to come to the session.  I did not allow this to happen.  It did not feel right to me.  He threw that in my face.  I became so concerned that I was missing something about myself that was wrong i started looking at everything i did . It was really crazy. Constantly analyzing myself to see if I really was a manipulator, a good girl victim, etc. I am so embarrassed to admit this and i feel sick even thinking about it again.

Hi corraline, I went through the same feelings of anxiety for months. Just talking to my T helped immensely, even if it was just feeling better for a few hours after a session. It sounds like your P is helping you with this, no? Sick? Yes. I lost 26 lbs in 3 months after everything first blew up between me and my uBPDx. Sometimes I would get heart palpitations in the middle of the day when reading something here that would trigger it. These things are not healthy, but they are natural physiological reactions to trauma. I'm glad you had the courage to share how you are feeling.

I just came across a quote in an article about PDs by Dr. Joe Carver (he's the author of the article on this site about Traumatic Bonding,Intermittent Reinforcement,Stockholm Syndrome)

"Loving sharks doesn’t protect us if we find ourselves dripping blood in a shark tank."

Though we played a role in our relationships, its a hard thing to step out of the tank and realize that diagnosed or not, our partners exhibited behaviors consistent with some kind of PD. Does it seem like your P has you on a good path to get some clarity on your r/s, apart from your Ex's words echoing in the background?

[growing_wings]

So its been over one month no contact.  Im working on myself and doing my best to detach and i get emails the other night out of the blue.  He calls me a coward and tells me i need a skilled therapist.

hey Corraline,

the pwBPD in my life kept telling me i was very severely mental ill when i went NC... .  she kept telling me to seek a very good therapist too... .

i felt very provoked to respond... i felt hurt, i felt like i wanted to tell her she also needed a therapist! oh well

i did go to therapy and worked my stuff... .  but i didnt fall on the provocation she did so i could respond. she needed to see me as the mental one so her sense of self would not be affected... . she behaved like a kid, only young kids or immature people can continue doing accusations like that... . so i chose to  behave like the adult and just kept her wishing her well... . while i went and work on my stuff (like you are doing). i didnt bite the bait to defend, i just let it go... .

whatever she is saying, she is saying it without thinking and trying to hurt you where she knows it will hurt. her calling you a coward does NOT mean you are one. let it go... . you know is not true.

stay there

[bpdspell]

Corraline,

I think it would be a great idea to explore with your therapist why the words of someone who treated you poorly hold such significant importance to how you define yourself. I understand that words have the power to hurt but it's not what they call you but what you respond to so there must be some part of you that believes in what your ex is saying.

I think many on here would agree that you are not a coward. A coward doesn't see a therapist and sign on to BPD Family to better understand the nature of person who treated them like crap.

Don't get caught up in your ex's "title" or his job position because it really doesn't carry any weight in terms of his character. Grimy characters come in all shades, degreed and non-degreed so it really doesn't matter that he's a counselor. He's still not a nice person and that's all that matters. There are many mentally ill people who hide behind their accomplishments, accolades and achievements but do not be fooled. A jerk is a jerk is a jerk.

There is a deeper issue of your worth being connected to his words that you should explore and I can relate. My ex called me fat and old and there was a part of me that believed him because I was ten years older but in reality he was just a reckless borderline intent on saying whatever hurtful thing he could muster to keep me connected to him. Borderlines are emotional children so saying & doing childish hurtful things are simply a part of who they are.

Spell

[myself]

Corraline, how much projection does your ex do? It could be he's seeing himself, not you, when he says those things. He can't put a name (admit) to his own problems, because then he'd have to face himself for real (use his own key).

The better you take care of yourself now, including letting go of the hurtful words that were inflicted, the less you will be his scapegoat.

Your posts are brave, thank you.

[corraline]

thank you for everyone's posts here

I am in therapy still and my therapist is helping me clear through my distorted thoughts, the trauma and my Family issues.I have been doing emdr. I quit part way through because my ex was telling me he thought my therapist wasn't skilled enough to do this just because she had messed up an appt and has some methods  in her practice that are unconventional. I feel fine with how she works but started questioning her myself when he kept trying to tell me i needed to see a real therapist like he does.  I went back to her after we broke up. Starting emdr again next time.

  I grew up fighting for myself and what i knew and saw with my own eyes that were truth and being told i was imagining things and punished for speaking up. Working on this .

I still have this weird disbelief that someone could be so manipulative and cruel, then loving and supportive. I just can't get that. Thats what i get stuck on. Very stuck. There were some things that i can't even talk about that i dismissed because if i didn't then i would have to go. I obviously was so desperate for his love that i would pretend they didn't happen and believe the weak story he gave me  and carry on.  I betrayed myself.  I abandoned myself.

[Dutched]

  I grew up fighting for myself and what i knew and saw with my own eyes that were truth

I still have this weird disbelief that someone could be so manipulative and cruel, then loving and supportive. I just can't get that. Thats what i get stuck on. Very stuck.

It indicates me that you are fact are so strong(!), however you are again under attack and believe that your are vulnerable, no, you are not! Do hold on to your own believes, for what you stand for!

Every happening (positive/negative) I repeated “the movie” again for self-reflection (although I wasn’t aware of that in my younger days…). It helped me to see and to act (in my mind) as if I could have reacted different.

It helped me to create distance, distance as so much needed to be able to confirm and criticizes my believes, actions, responses.

In our cases, please create a certain distance in order keep a clear view and to stick to yourself.

My ex couldn’t take my spirit, she tried so hard an almost succeeded.… 

One day I said loudly to myself: “never, I am who I am, always was and now back again”!

   

I can’t add anything to the wisdom of our other members but hope you gain something of my words and experience.

[corraline]

Thanks Dutched for your wisdom !

Sounds like you reclaimed your power !

[HappyNihilist]

There were some things that i can't even talk about that i dismissed because if i didn't then i would have to go. I obviously was so desperate for his love that i would pretend they didn't happen and believe the weak story he gave me  and carry on.  I betrayed myself.  I abandoned myself.

This is the Big Issue right here. It's always hardest to face what we do to ourselves.

But it's OK. We're not perfect. Sometimes we do lose sight of ourselves. Sometimes we do betray our own values. What you have to work on is forgiving yourself. The mere fact that you recognize that you betrayed and abandoned yourself for this person shows that you have a sense of self, that you're functional and strong. Are there things to work on? Of course, and you know what those are better than anyone else ever could. But to truly learn and move forward, you need to go easier on yourself first.