is there life after parental alienation?

[questioncentral]

short story - - - exH I'm fairly certain has BPD or something very close to, judging from what I've read here. Separated 4 yrs, divorced 2 yrs.

4 kids - sd26 (n/c - has similar characteristics of BPD as exH), s22, d20 (live w/ exH), d17 (lives with me and my bf). Bf and I together 3 yrs., and sig. other has d13 who is shared custody with no problems.

I've been researching Parental Alienation - and I think everything written about it has been based on what's been going on both while we were married and since I left. everything could have been taken from our lives

sad... .

I'm not going to go into the while we were married part - it's not where we're at now and tbh too many painful memories. But now there is very definite parental alienation going on and has been getting progressively worse since I left. Some of the damage will never be repaired (friendships, family r/ships my youngest d and I have lost entirely because of this need he has for revenge... . ) and I've come to accept that, as hurtful as that is; but now that I realize what's been going on, at least I can work toward repairing some of the damage done to the r/ship with the kids that live with him... . not immediately, but slowly. 

I'm just wondering if there is life, love and normal child/parent relationships between the targeted parent and the alienated children - without the ex interfering - down the road? Has anyone here come out the other side of all this and had a r/ship with an alienated child?

Some of the stuff I've read sends me into despair thinking there is no hope of ever repairing the damage that's been done, but then some of it gives me hope knowing that the 2 children that live with him and I are not the only ppl who have ever had this happen.

[Mexgal]

I completely understand and can relate to how you are feeling.

It took me nearly 10 years of trying to get a divorce and settle custody with an obsessed and psychologically disturbed ex. All through those years, I suffered profoundly because I was constantly on a roller coaster ride of being accused of all kinds of things I was either going to do or did, but did not. (ex: taken to court for wanting to take my kids to Disneyland... . I was supposedly going to kidnap them). If I was able to go a month without being taken to court for something, it was nothing short of a miracle. All the while I really started to believe that I was slowly going insane. My child, then 10 & 12, literally over the course of 6-8 weeks, behaviours changed radically. They came home from a weekend with their dad, and hated everything from their friends, schools, activities, to me. Within that time period, they went once more to his home for the weekend, this time they never came back. Every attempt was made to see them, even to the point that their psychologist called trying to see them, and when she eventually she did get through, I was informed by her that in her opinion, I'd never see my kids again, and told me that she believed that they were being alienated from me and had had a disturbing conversation with one of them, that led her to believe that it was parental alienation. Back then, I had absolutely no idea what she was talking about and was in a great deal of distress myself, from what he had done.

That was 8.5 years ago. I eventually had to let go, after my legal council, and therapists softly convinced me I was fighting a losing battle. They told me that it was more important to take care of myself, so that if ever my children did try to reconnect with me, I'd be a healthy version of myself, instead of the sick one I was becoming over the strange loss of my children. I had no understanding at all what was happening, the court systems were not set up or able to handle such strange cases or even know that parental alienation was the diagnosis, family and friends were so scared of my ex, that most of them abandoned me, etc. Earlier this year my youngest, who is now 19, found me and we met for the first time after 8.5 years. It was bittersweet as she is now a diagnosed BP, and in the two weeks that I spent with her, I experienced it all. Her father to this day, is still psychologically sick and was up to all his games on my visit with her, so unfortunately, our visit did not end on a good note.

What I have learnt from this experience is to educate yourself on everything! Empower yourself so that you do not feel helpless! Find legal council that is very experienced with parental alienation, and psychologists as well. Do not leave anything to chance. I so wish that back then I'd had these resources and books that are available today. My story so far, doesn't have the best of endings, but I cling everyday to the hopes that she will come around again. And everyday I learn a little more so that I will be better equipped to have a relationship with her.

[PinkieV]

My DH saw his sons probably 2 - 3 times in 10+ years.  Their uBPD mom would only allow contact when she wanted something, usually money.

Last June she texted DH that he'd have to move up closer to them (we live two states away) to take care of the boys for a little while.  He told her he was coming up to visit and miraculously she let them see him over the weekend.

When he was leaving, she let it slip that she may be going to jail for a month or two.  He came home, we got on the computer, and found out she had been charged with two counts of first degree theft and was facing a year in jail.  DH casually asked whether the boys could come to visit, and she allowed them to come down for close to three weeks in the summer.

While they were with us, getting to know DH, me, and my two kids, DH filed for emergency custody.  She was served two days before the boys would fly home.  We did not keep them, as we wanted to do it legally and above board.  We just wanted to spare them the initial raging that did happen.

We went up two weeks later.  Our hearing was before she was sentenced, and the judge ruled in our favor should she go to jail.  She did four days later, and we picked up the boys that afternoon.  The older boy has since turned 18 and lives with his aunt and uncle.  We have a really good relationship with him, now that he sees we mean what we say, and follow through.  He's even said he will testify for us at our upcoming custody hearing for the younger boy, who has written to his mom that he wants to stay with us.

I'm sure my DH never thought he'd see his sons on a regular basis, let alone have custody of them.  I'm sure you know how hard it is to fight against alienation, especially with a BPD.  He gave up.  But a combination of the right circumstances and me by his side and having his back made him strong enough to start fighting again.  So please don't give up hope.  It's exhausting and horrible, but you never know when you might get the chance.

[livednlearned]

These are such heart-breaking stories to hear.

I'm wondering if you could talk to a reunification therapist about how to go about repairing the relationships with your adult children? Each child will probably have a different journey to go through, and a therapist may be able to help you identify how to communicate with them, specific to your circumstances.

You might also want to email Richard Warshak, who wrote Divorce Poison. He offers workshops called Family Bridges for alienated kids and the target parents. I'm not sure if those workshops are offered for adult children, but at the very least, Warshak is the leading expert on alienation and might be able to point you to some helpful resources.