I don't know the specifics of your situation, but it sounds like you really have a lot to think about, deal with, and worry/stress over right now.
Two things.
First, trust your gut.
You know your wife better than anyone here. You obviously love her very much, and are very concerned about how she's feeling, what she's thinking, what she's doing, and what she may decide to do in the future.
I'm not sure if she's been diagnosed with BPD or not, but you clearly feel she exhibits enough characteristics of that disorder to come here for support and advice.
What does seem clear, however, is that your therapist's understanding/grasp of how this disorder works is questionable at best. Your wife
told you she doesn't feel like you want her to come home and don't love her. To the extent that constitutes emotional bullying, in the case of pwBPD, it's largely unintentional. That it isn't true, or that there isn't any rational reason for her to feel that way is irrelevant. It
is how she feels. Chances are she knows it's irrational. Problem is, she still feels that way. A lot, and very intensely. Something triggered her fear of rejection/abandonment. She dysregulated and she can't stop which has got to be pretty darn terrifying. Not only do
both of you have to deal with this, she's come to expect/rely on you to deal with/fix it
for her in the way you always have
because she can't.
Going NC under the circumstances is not going to help anyone. In fact, predictably, it legitimized and intensified the feelings of rejection/abandonment she told you she was experiencing, and triggered the even more disordered/dysregulated/extreme reaction you've described.
It sounds like - best case scenario - what you really want is for her to realize you do love/want her, for her to come home, and for the two of you to continue to have the relationship you've invested so much of ourselves in.
If that's the case, then you're going to have to do something to help her in order for that to happen. You can't simply institute some kind of mandatory radio silence and hope she'll come to her senses. She won't. She's already tried that. She can't do it no matter how much time you give her to do it. You're at least going to have to recognize that she
is in crisis, and try to find a way she can meet you halfway in dealing with the problem she's having. SET and DEARMAN are two very good tools you can try to use to more effectively meet her needs and communicate with her ... . and, of course, you're going to have practice a lot of mindfulness so you don't simply revert to responding in the way you always have to her as well because she isn't going to change. And counseling. If not for both of you as a couple and individually, then at least for yourself with someone who actually does have a better understanding of this particular disorder and the unique characteristics of the relationships it spawns.
Second, try to reduce the stress/anxiety you're feeling right now as much as you possibly can because there's a lot of it and it's definitely taking its toll on you - physically as well as emotionally.
You're a caregiver. Right now you're taking care of her, your daughter, your house, finances probably, and whatever you need to do to make sure you have some finances to take care of. I know it's likely you feel you really don't have the time/energy to take care of anyone/anything else, but it's really important that you make time/find the energy to take care of the single most important person to you of all: yourself. Establish some kind of routine. Meals prepared/eaten at the same time. Work, homework, housework done in the same place at the same time. Time set aside to spend talking with, listening to, supporting, and appreciating your daughter. Time set aside to do the same (when/if you can) with your wife. Time set aside to sit alone and do the same thing with yourself.
Everyone's in crisis. Take a deep breath. Trust your gut. Don't discount her feelings or yours. Take care of yourself. Take care of your daughter. Do what you can. Be open to every possibility. Give everyone, including yourself, the time it takes to figure out what they really need/want.
It's a process. It took you a long time to get to this point. It's going to take a long time to move through and past it again.
In the meantime, big cyberhug to you and yours. Seems like y'all could use one and I have plenty to spare
.
Hope tomorrow is better day for everyone.
